Does someone know how to set up a trust fund for this kid, so people could donate for his education, or living expenses, or something? I know things like that have been posted on Slog before...

I can only add that your nephew is one lucky kid, who has been blessed with a second chance that you are gracing him with. I can't begin to sort this out for you, but one thing I know is that as you create your life with him, the wounds and bruises do heal. And Babe, you are changing both his past and his future. You will be all the family he'll ever need, and funny enough, now you have a family again. Those assholes did you both a favor. You make me so proud.

It's rare to see genuine pathos.

I'm sorry that I have nothing terribly supportive to say. Detail oriented.

Don't give up. Don't let them win.

I too took in my nephew. I was a challenge in ways I wasn't expecting, but it was the right thing to do. Kudos to you and good luck to both of you on this new adventure.

Do you wonder why you were smart enough to be prepared to leave? Do you wonder why you were able to survive and be healthy? Do you wonder what moved your sister to have your number, let alone call you? Maybe God is using you. Do you feel like Samuel or Eli? Micah 6:8.

First time commenter here. You are a hero, oh writer-of-letter. A total hero. You're hero to your nephew, a hero to everyone decent who has read about your experience, and a hero to me. I know its dreadful how your family has treated you but, you know, the truth is they don't deserve to have a wonderful person like you in their lives. You're with better people and I love you so much, even though you're a complete stranger, for what you've done for your nephew.

You are a good person -- whole where your parents and siblings are broken. You are true to yourself, as you proved when you rejected a diploma from an institution that preaches hatred and exclusion. You are true to your heritage, proved when you chose to pack family photos and a gift from your father as your most precious possessions. You are true to the message of the founder of your birth religion, which is at the core and despite centuries of twisting about turning the other cheek. And you are true to your family, whether they reject you or whether one of them needs your help.

That 15-year-old boy may be relying on you, but you're allowed to lean on him for support, too. He's family, after all, and you've reclaimed him from a morass of hateful superstition. Treat him well and he'll do the same, because that's what love is about.

You are amazing. I wish you and your nephew a lifetime of (much deserved) happiness.

1) It's been said, but I'm going to say it again: You are an incredible human being. That nephew of yours is SO lucky to have you in his life.
2)I'm with 202....how can we as a big, gay-loving community help you help this kid be what the rest of his worthless family will never be: kind, loving, successful and open-minded?
3) Keep your head up and remember: TO everyone who reads this, to your new(er) family and especially to your nephew, YOU ARE A HERO.
4) In a couple days, print this page out with all the comments. Put it somewhere safe. When things get hard, when you're feeling down, if your shithead family members decide to intrude into your life again, pull out these pages and remind yourself that you have hard evidence that you are so amazing that people you don't even know love and admire you for who you are.

You are a good person -- whole where your parents and siblings are broken. You are true to yourself, as you proved when you rejected a diploma from an institution that preaches hatred and exclusion. You are true to your heritage, proved when you chose to pack family photos and a gift from your father as your most precious possessions. You are true to the message of the founder of your birth religion, which is at the core and despite centuries of twisting about turning the other cheek. And you are true to your family, whether they reject you or whether one of them needs your help.

That 15-year-old boy may be relying on you, but you're allowed to lean on him for support, too. He's family, after all. As often happens, a morass of blind hateful superstition inadvertantly tosses out a gift of love. And that's how love wins.

Another virtual hug--I'm sure anything else I might say to the LW has already been said better by others.

But I want to say this: she doesn't give details, but with 15 siblings, it's likely that LW's family belongs to one of the most virulent christianist cults, the "quiverfull" movement, which wants to outbreed everyone else and believes in the absolute authority of the patriarch and in corporal punishment and obedience by virtually any means necessary.

It shouldn't take such an extreme example, but to all the trolls out there, who the FUCK would "choose to be gay" in such a completely crushing and isolating environment? That so many gays survive and hold themselves together long enough to gain freedom is testament to the human spirit, yet all too many slip beneath the waves forever.

On a positive note, Dr. Robert Spitzer, a psychiatrist who was actually one of the leaders of the movement to remove homosexuality from the list of disorders in the DSM, just apologized for the 2001 release of a misconceived study that was one of the few shaken from podiums by bigots to rationalize "reparative therapy." Dr. Spitzer affirmed that both methods and conclusions were deeply flawed, and expressed his deep remorse to the gay community.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/19/health…

In a weird and twisted way, your sister did the best possible thing for your nephew under the circumstances: she got him out of that hateful environment, and straight into the arms of a loving aunt. Can you imagine what it would be like for him if he stayed there? It was hard and painful getting to this point for you, VABG, but now you can both heal and flourish together.

Following up on @19, while the number one most important thing to do right now is love and accept that kid until he says "gross" and pushes you away, you need to do some hard thinking about your circumstances. Are you financially stable with a job that will provide health insurance for any kids you have? Would your sister and her (I assume) husband consent to you adopting your nephew? If the answer to both of these is yes, consider adopting him so that you may give him the things he needs (you'll also get assistance and tax breaks for adopting a child, so if you're borderline on being able to afford it, look into what your ultimate situation would be). If the answer to either is no, then you'll need to secure a family law attorney to get child support and health insurance for your nephew from your sister and (I assume) brother-in-law. I mean, if I thought they would do it, you could just ask them for an insurance card, a legal agreement that you'll be the child's caregiver, and some off-the-books support, but somehow I don't think that will happen. You're not being vindictive or punishing them by seeking the assistance you need to raise *their* child. What I wouldn't do is push for an adoption if they won't consent. In such a case, the courts will drag your nephew in and make him tell them over and over again how he was abandoned. I can't imagine that would be good for him right now. You can get caregiver's rights without formally adopting him, if need be.

The timing on this really sucks. The second thing he'll need is school, but that's probably going to be too hard to get done before the end of the current school year in a few weeks. You have a couple of options here. If you live close enough to where he was going to school to get him to that school, make sure he finishes the year out there (lean on your real family - the friends and supporters around you - for help with this). If not, then look into summer school as an option to get him the credits he needs to keep himself on track. That option is not ideal, but you sound like the kind of person who could explain to your nephew that, yeah, it sucks that he's going to school in the summer, but you're just trying to make sure that this tragedy doesn't harm any part of his life. A family law attorney can also help with the paperwork needed to get him into the local school district.

Finally, I would say, have a real grown up talk with your nephew. He's 15, he's old enough for you to tell him that you never expected this and aren't entirely sure what you're doing as a parental figure. Tell him you love and accept him, that he's welcome in your home and you want him there, but that there's going to be a learning curve and you just need to keep talking to each other to make it work. Tell him that, while unlike your family, you accept him and want him in your life, you are now the equivalent of his parent, and he needs to respect you in that role. Tell him you'll be fair, and listen to him, but that this is going to be a traditional home situation for a kid, with rules, boundaries, and expectations. If he was self-confident, brave, and smart enough to come out to a family he knew would reject him, he'll understand this and understand that you just want the best for him. Make sure you make those rules crystal-clear quickly, to mitigate the acting out that is sure to be a result of this situation.

I truly wish you all the best. Hopefully we can be of whatever help you need and can't find closer to home. You're a brave and loving woman for taking your nephew in. When things get bad or hard (and they will), just remember that you're giving this kiddo the chance you never had, and there are a whole lot of people out there who are moved and impressed by your courage and commitment. Even strangers on the internets.

In the fullness of time, VABG, your self-knowledge and compassion--love for self, love for others--will be all that matters.

Dear VABG and Nephew,
My God, I'm so sorry for the hate and ugliness you have experienced.

Your nephew is a very lucky young man, because he has you to love and support him!! If not for you, he might have been subjected to that terrible conversion therapy bullshit, and definitely would have been bombarded with Bible-hatred. If you hadn't come out years ago, your nephew might very well have been put out on the street (which would have been kinder than the conversion therapy and bible-hatred). He is better off with you. And you will be better off for having this precious child in your life.

You will be the one cheering him on at his graduation. You will be the one helping him decide his future. You will be the one helping him to learn to manage money and fill out job applications and learn to drive. You will be the one smiling and supporting his first new relationship, and the one to hold his hand through a breakup. You will be the one he comes to in good times and bad; you will share sorrow and joy. You will share many meals and conversations and leaky faucets and rock concerts and all the other great and small events that make up our lives.

I know you both feel broken now; but your love for your nephew will heal both of you.

Along with the love and support that you and your nephew will give to each other, please try to remember that you and your nephew have not lost anything - it's your blood family who have lost.

"Family" is about love, not blood. It's about respect for each other, and unconditional support and acceptance.

I hope that both of you are able to get to a place where, when you think of your blood family, you can wish for them the good things that you want for yourselves. That doesn't mean forgiveness (I can't imagine being able to forgive the abandonment of children), it just means accepting that they are who they are, and being strong enough to wish the best for them even when they so look down on you. That is healthy, and healthy people show kindness and tolerance. Even for the people who are intolerant. Even when those intolerant people have harmed you so greatly.

I hope you and your nephew have the best life brings - love, hope, and happiness. You have each other - you are EVERYTHING to each other now, and that is powerful. It's much more powerful than the hate and intolerance that you have been shown.

I'm sending you both a psychic jolt of love tonight. I hope and pray that you both come away from this terrible experience strong and happy in your lives.

I will go to gratefulness.org and light a candle for the two of you - it will have the tag VABG, from CA Mom. Here is the link for those inclined to do the same:
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/ente…

Take a deep breath, and do the next right thing. A lot of people are sending love and support to you - breathe that in.

Peace and blessings on both of you!

Everyone is saying wonderful things! I hope this brings your spirits up! The first thing I though when I read your letter is "What can *I* do personally to help this situation?" I feel helpless as a distant stranger. You are a strong person. I am sending you every good thought I have.

One thing I think everyone is forgetting- you are allowed to feel sad. You have experienced a great loss, a death in a way, and you should allow yourself to mourn. Don't beat yourself up about being sad. Have a funeral, a wake, or just a nice long hike to say goodbye to your family and find some closure. I would even recommend some grief counseling. Your family does not deserve any of your grief, but you DO. You are allowed to be sad. As you let go of this relationship, and help your nephew to do the same, you will heal, much like anyone else who suffers from loss.

@202, if the LW sees this and is willing, we could do a Chipin. I'd be on board.

Yikes, this is why I steer clear of Lynchburg. Bring him into Charlottesville if you're still in central VA--this city trips over itself rushing to be tolerant of others. There's even a pro-gay church with a big rainbow banner hanging over the front!

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I makes me angry, it makes me upset, but it also makes me hopeful. Because things will get better, they are already getting better because you have rescued your nephew. You know how toxic your family's influence is, they've already hurt you and had years to do it. He was able to get out earlier and can receive support from someone who will love as he deserves to be loved.
I'm sorry for your family, I'm sorry they haven't learned the lessons of Christ and learned to love and forgive and to not judge. These are values you can help nurture in your nephew and show him there are others in the world who do try to hold to those values.
I know it must be hard, harder than I can imagine. Like Dan said above, thank God for you. Thank God for you being there for your nephew.

If you get this far along the list - I hope my support can give you strength.
YOU showed strength by going there and facing them, they showed weakness by shunning you and your nephew.
YOU are the example of loving family, they are only misers with love, a mafia of obedience.
YOU are awesome!
I have a friend whose nephew also just came out last month and he was sent by his father from the USA to australia to live with his gay uncle. I am so glad he did. Fuck him. He'll miss out on seeing a truly beautiful loving man bloom.

I've also experienced parental rejection. It is unreasonably hurtful, even when you are an adult and have built a fulfilling and productive life for yourself.

It will always hurt, but it will not always hurt this badly. You are wounded, not broken, and you will come back to a better place sooner than you think.

It's not you. It's them. Take care of your nephew and turn to the people who love you. Take comfort. You are not alone, and neither is he.

I'm sending you some love from San Francisco, in fact. Just hang in there and let the healing process work.

Note to self: read more carefully. LW, if you're reading this, and you need help with a family law attorney, just say so. I'm in DC and happen to know more lawyers than I care to, in the entirety of the DMV. With a little networking, I'm sure I could find you the right person to help you out (say so in the comments and I'll ask around and email Dan directly). Also, bring your nephew to DC Pride. It'll be good for both of you.

You deserve a medal for the bravery it took to come out to your family, and a second one for going back and rescuing your nephew. It sucks to be estranged from your family. I know - been there, done that. Yes, there will be times when you feel really, really down. But those pass. You just have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and keep going. Remember that for every one of us who has left a comment here, there are 100 more who didn't write, but we are all rooting for you! I do have one request. Please drop Dan a line every now and then so that he can let us all know how you and the young man are doing. You are an awesome young woman and the world is a much better place because of your being here.

Hey there.
I hear you.
It's going to be fine with your nephew, that's clear, but it seems to me that the reason your wrote is because of how seeing your family again made you feel?
I'm estranged from my family too. It's not nearly such a horrible situation as yours, in fact it was partly my choice. That was about ten years ago too. I have had contact now and then, and every time its horrible. It's a horrible horrible incredibly emotionally charged situation. I don't think i can imagine anything worse than to be confronted with evidence that the people who are supposed to love you don't. They brought you into the world, it's encumbant upon them to love you. And they don't. There is nothing worse.

You've had a completely correct reaction to a hideous event. If it ever happens again it'll be just as awful. There's nothing you can do to deal with it except accept it, acknowledge the very legitimate pain and be glad that you can react the way a human being should.

You are denied your parents unconditional love. But you *are* beloved.

Hugs.

I have two nephews whose parents are stupidly religious, just like most of my family, who I left on the other side of the country.

I hope hope hope if either of them is gay and needs an escape, I can be the kind of aunt you are, LW.

You went back to the dragon's den to rescue you nephew from God only knows what. Suicide doesn't seem unlikely, when his own mother calls him "filth".

You saved his life, that's for damn sure. And I hope if something similar happens, I can be the same kind of aunt.

You are a good person and amazingly strong. There are not a lot of people who could handle the situation that life has dealt you. You are a saving grace to your nephew, because I can't (or rather don't want) to imagine now where he would be if he didn't have you. I'm sorry, and frankly angry, that your (bio) family can not see that as well, but family doesn't have to be the people you are related to. Family is the people you choose to include in your life. This is also a lot for one person to take on and so I hope that you and your nephew an LGBT positive therapist to help you deal with this new situation.

You are both so lucky to have each other. I think one of the many blessings is that now you DO have some blood family back in your life. And he needs you. And you need him. And like Dan said, thank fucking God for you. You've probably saved his life. Have definitely saved his heart.

Hey there. I hear you. It's going to be fine with your nephew, that's clear, but it seems to me that the reason your wrote is because of how seeing your family again made you feel?I'm estranged from my family too. It's not nearly such a horrible situation as yours, in fact it was partly my choice. That was about ten years ago too. I have had contact now and then,and every time its horrible. It's a horrible horrible incredibly emotionally charged situation.I don't think i can imagine anything worse than to be confronted with evidence that the people who are supposed to love you don't. They brought you into the world, it's encumbant upon themto love you. And they don't. There is nothing worse.

You've had a completely correct reaction to a hideous event. If it ever happens again it'll be just as awful. There's nothing you can do to deal with it except accept it, acknowledge the very legitimate pain and be glad that you can react the way a human being should.

You are denied your parents unconditional love. But you *are* beloved.

You are all class and you're going to save that kid's life. We need about 29289393 more of you in this world.

Can't add anything to what's already been said, except for my support, and admiration, and belief that you can do this--for you and for your nephew and for a future, someday, with fewer miserable human beings like the ones who rejected you both. Think about that: as bad as it's been for you both to be on the receiving end of their ignorance and hate, it could be worse. You could BE them.

Your family are the ones who are fucked up and broken, not you. They have been poisoned in ways I can't comprehend, nothing short of a serious crime like murder would make me turn my back on anyone in my family no matter how much some of them frustrate me and make decision I don't like. Your nephew is really lucky to have you be there to be the sane person he needs when his parents are unwilling to do it. Good luck to the both of you.

Stick with the family you created. Make sure your nephew knows he is loved. You are a beautiful human being.

VABG: you're my hero of the day.

VBAG: You are an incredible person. Since your family of origin has abandoned your nephew, you have (with no warning) become a mother overnight without the benefit of the lead time that people who give birth or adopt usually have. And as devastating as it was to revisit the hate, I know that the kind of person you are — the kind who would drop everything to visit her nephew in that den of ignorance and bring him into her home without any forewarning — is the kind of person who will find the strength from her community, family (the one you've made), and her own heart to push through just like you did all of those years ago. You are going to be an awesome mom. Good luck. Take care of yourself.

if you or your nephew are looking for support from a church, the united church of christ is very progressive. my church, old first reformed ucc in philadelphia, is an historic, majority-straight congregation with a super super progressive gay man as our pastor. if you need that sort of support, google us and email or Facebook michael. he's great.

I'm 29 years old and just came out to my Christian family this year. I'm not invited to birthdays, Mother's Day celebrations, or family get-togethers. I found out my sister had cancer in a mass email my mother sent. It's hard. It hurts. You feel shame but you don't know what you've done to deserve that feeling. You feel anger because even how loving you act back towards them, the love is not shown in return.
As I read Dan's response I was cheering when he said fuck them! fuck all of them! Fuck the bigotry, the ignorance, the hatred, the abandonment. All of it. Rid that evil from your life and concentrate on the family of your choice and the love joins you. I'm so grateful you reached out for advice. I hope you find solace here.

You're going to make that boy's life about a million percent happier.
Good job.

VABG:

I'm willing to bet that in the eyes of your nephew, your act of kindness and acceptance will outshine all of the ugliness of your extended family combined. Good luck- although I doubt you'll need much of it, since you've got the right idea and you know how to take care of your own.

It is because of loving people like you that this world has changed. Do we still have a long way to go? Fuck yeah we do. Have we gone a long way already? Fuck yeah we have. And it is all because of people like you who are courageous enough to stand up for yourself and loving enough to help those who can't help themselves.

Your nephew now has a new mom. Love him as if you had birthed him and he will be ok

It is because of loving people like you that this world has changed. Do we still have a long way to go? Fuck yeah we do. Have we gone a long way already? Fuck yeah we have. And it is all because of people like you who are courageous enough to stand up for yourself and loving enough to help those who can't help themselves.

Your nephew now has a new mom. Love him as if you had birthed him and he will be ok

The greatest familial relationships are the ones we choose not the ones that happened upon us accidentally. Some accidents leave painful scars. Some, like your relationship with your nephew, lead to higher ground. I have so much personal gratitude for you, for the work you are doing, for staying who you are and for making the world a better place for our children but I’m so very sorry for the hurt you’re taking on to pave the way. Remember, it isn’t about you. They are brainwashed and they may die that way. But the family you choose will treasure you every moment of every day for the rest of your life. Be well.

I haven't seen nor spoken to my family in almost 4 years. Being gay is only the tip of the iceberg. My chosen family is INFINITELY more important to me than the family I grew up with. (SIDE NOTE: I am lucky in that they are my adopted family and I'm FORTUNATELY not biologically related to them! Oh, and I found my bio family and they are amazing and love me unconditionally. NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS!!).

I received help from a therapist who specialized in Religious Trauma Syndrome. I was not a severe case since I had left fundy religion in my youth, but it helped me tremendously by understanding its impact on me, even into my early 40s. Whether you believe in god or not is unimportant. Believing in yourself is INFINITELY more important. Check out http://marlenewinell.net/recovery-religi….

Thank yourself for rescuing your nephew. He will be eternally grateful.

The greatest familial relationships are the ones we choose not the ones that happened upon us accidentally. Some accidents leave painful scars. Some, like your relationship with your nephew, lead to higher ground. I have so much personal gratitude for you, for the work you are doing, for staying who you are and for making the world a better place for our children but I’m so very sorry for the hurt you’re taking on to pave the way. Remember, it isn’t about you. They are brainwashed and they may die that way. But the family you choose will treasure you every moment of every day for the rest of your life. Be well.

I'd also be willing to chip in money to help out her and her nephew.

Their hate knocked you on your ass - of course it did. What you experienced hurt you badly - how could it not? But being hurt, being wounded, is not the same as being broken. A little time with people who love you and you'll be good as new, because there's nothing wrong with you.

The sorry-assed excuse for the "family" you were born into SUCKS. But you, VABG? YOU ROCK!

Please DO get your legal house in order - get guardianship of your nephew so you can enroll him in school, get him on your insurance, can consent to medical care for him. And in the in-between? Just know that there are people out here who are so grateful that you have taken him in, so grateful that this child so callously discarded by his worthless sperm donor and incubator, will know real love. It may hurt now, and will probably vaguely hurt forever, but in the long run, this boy will be able to stand proudly and say that he got where he did because someone really loved him.

Oh my god. I read this letter, and it almost broke my heart. I read Dan's reply, and it put it most of the way back together. Then I saw, at the bottom of this less-than-6-hour-old post, "COMMENTS (242)" and I very nearly cried. In the time it took me to read the post and click the link for comments, it was up to 250. I know a lot of words, but I'm having trouble right now putting together any that fully encompass how happy I am to be a part of such an incredible community.

VABG, you're not broken. By some miracle, you are somehow fixed, when everyone and everything that you came from is broken. You are the diamond in the rough. You are the beginning of something new and beautiful; the happier you are, and the better your life is, the stronger the pull you'll have on whatever latent goodness is too scared to show itself in the rest of your family.

That you were hurt by their hate only shows how whole you are. If you had any hate in you, you'd just hate them back. You wouldn't care. But you don't hate, you love. You can't help loving them, and so you feel broken. Know this: they don't hate you because you're broken. They hate you because they are.

So ignore their hate. They will come around, or they won't. If they do, fantastic. More love for everyone. If they do not, no matter. You have found love without them. You are whole. The rest is on them.

You are amazing, VAGB, and I do thank God/Divine/Source/etc. for your existence on this earth.

I lost most of my family over the last year myself, including my beloved mother to cancer, but I have good friends and two really great counselors to help me along the way. Also, I had Emotional Freeing Technique. Go to www.eftuniverse.com and read up on it. It's an energy technique that seems totally implausible but it's just been accepted by the American Psychological Association as a real, working therapy. It is free to learn and you can do it yourself in the privacy of your own home.

I've been using EFT since about 2005 and it has healed more things than I can list here but I'll give you three biggies: PTSD due to childhood sexual abuse by my Dad, paralyzing stage fright (I'm a professional musician) and a sudden onset of fear of heights. All gone. Cured. Finis. EFT works for war veterans' PTSD, too. Just imagine what it can do for you and your nephew. All that pain and angst and fury and misery can be very, very gently laid to rest. You can be free of the effects of that terrible abuse you both have suffered, be free of any power they might try to have over you... and even better, show others just how happy, contented and beautiful life can be! You are already a tremendous example of tenacity and strength and I am in awe of you and your survival. I doubt I could ever have overcome that kind of abuse on my own as you have. I only suggest EFT to give you yet another tool to use.

I wish you all the very best that life has to offer. You are an extraordinarily brave woman and the world is a better place for you being in it.

So proud of the SLOGers who have posted here, especially the Christians like me who are ashamed of VABG's family.

But to VABG: you are the protector of your nephew and he is your blood. That will be your focus and will keep you strong.

Also, you have the power to forgive your family - not for them but for YOU. It will liberate you and let you move on. We all love you, and God loves you, just as you are. Bask.

The nature of real trauma is that we humans deal with it in bits. If all goes well, after a traumatic event we process enough of it to cope and move on with our lives, but it remerges throughout life and must be addressed again - where and when you are now, as opposed to where you were then.

You've just witnessed the ugly abuse you once suffered being dished-out on a kid who is not yet able to defend himself. I should think this would give anyone occasion to view her past abuse though a different lens. Coupled with the difficulty of seeing your nephew's pain, your plate looks pretty full. For me, it would be far easier to take a literal beating than to wacht a defenseless kid take that same beating. My preference would not change were the violence the emotional beatings your family dishes out. They seem to have a real tast for it, in fact (why else show up for the show?).

So first, realize you've been the victim of a violent attack. Second Realize you've witnessed a violent attack on a member of your family. Third, realize that you've been thrown into the shitstorm of suddenly being responsible for your nephew's wellbeing and care. Again, that's a full plate.

Next, get you and your nephew to a GLBTQ-friendly shrink forthwith. The healthiest person in the world would benefit from some counsel given what you two have been thrown into.

While it may sound harsh, you need to figure out if you want and are able to step in as your nephew's guardian and caretaker. Is that in his best interest (certainly being away from his nuclear family is at this point)? And yours? Finally, once you've had a chance to digest a bit of the trauma through this new lens and figure out how you and your nephew are going to deal with this situation, you may indeed want to talk to a lawyer about sorting out custody, support, and that sort of thing.

Seems to me that you, m'dear, are MUCH more a child of God than any of your family is. That kind of hate has no place in ANY family, much less one whose members profess to be religious people.
As Ben just said, ignore their hate. I know it's difficult- but take heart in the fact that you have support, from all over the world, and WE are more of a family to you than they have ever been. I do hope they come around, but I ain't holdin' me breath.

Seems to me that you, m'dear, are MUCH more a child of God than any of your family is. That kind of hate has no place in ANY family, much less one whose members profess to be religious people.
As Ben just said, ignore their hate. I know it's difficult- but take heart in the fact that you have support, from all over the world, and WE are more of a family to you than they have ever been. I do hope they come around, but I ain't holdin' me breath.

Listen to my brother and do the best for your nephew. You are the solution to so many problems.

That your first thought was that your family needed help, or that your nephew needed help, means you're more complete than anyone in your entire goddamn family. Kudos to you for surviving the indoctrination of Pentecostalism, 15-kidism, and Liberty Bullshit-ass University. Seriously, you rock my socks. The finest muffins and bagels in all the land shall be yours.

I'm crying too, such a pain in my heart for you right now.
So, you did an amazing thing 10 years ago - you saved a life: your own. How many people get to save a life? Not many.
Now you get the chance to do a mitzvah, you get to save another life - the life of your nephew. What an honor for you.
Loving you from afar, for what it's worth. Can this community/family help you in some way? Please let us know.

@251, I would be damn well glad to as well

As for VABG, I too have seen families torn asunder by villainous, hate-filled immorality of those who profess to have god in their hearts. My great nephew, my great nephew who is black, native, and gay living in a Mormon household, would have been down a dark path had it not been for my brother, his step grandfather, and his grandmother keeping a leg in the door to his life. Had they not been able to tell him he was perfect the way he is, had they not instilled the great, terrible liberal bias, he wouldn't have been the kid he is today. And that kid is open and happy with his sexuality, completely comfortable in his skin despite his other, Mormon, grandmother because he knows he has grandparents who love him. That's all it takes, showing love, to allow your nephew to be comfortable in his own skin and be a free, happy person.

Apologies if someone has mentioned this before--but, if you're in central VA (Charlottesville or Richmond), ROSMY (Richmond Organization for Sexual Minority Youth) runs really valuable support groups for kids exactly his age--my girlfriend volunteers for the Charlottesville group. After he has some time to take in what's happened, that might help him out a lot.

We're all pulling for you. What everyone else said, sending good thoughts your way.

What a beautiful human being you are! You amaze me. You are truly walking the walk that your "Christian" family members can't seem to do. Please. Please. Don't lose faith in yourself and this world. We need you. We need your love and compassion.

For what it's worth, I belong to a Christian community that loves us gays. And THIS community will be praying for you/sending you good vibes/whatever we can do from afar.

You inspire me, and I'm sure the rest of us, to do the good work - love our neighbor. Thank you for showing us what that looks like.

Late to the party, but: you have done as Christ commands. You aren't broken. You are strong.

That said, lean on your chosen family--someone will know someone with clothing, furniture, and so on if you need it. Give your nephew a hug. And then call a lawyer in the morning to start getting your rights and his child support in place.

Short term? Listen to I Will Survive and/or Fuck You if you think it'll help. Eat some ice cream, and share with your nephew. Make sure that both your and his social networks are still in place (with as many siblings and cousins as you seem to have, as well as school friends, someone will want to know where he is and how he's doing). And breathe. Good luck.

You will get through their hate. You have already risen above. Your nephew, too.

In the meanwhile, I also am going to nag about the same things already brought up in several comments above, especially #113 and scarytylermoore's at I think #164:

Family Court
Custody
Child Support
Adoption
AND

DO YOU HAVE A WILL? Rewrite it now. If you don't have one, write it now. Get an in-state lawyer or go to nolo.com. This is necessary. Shit can happen any time. Be prepared.

In the state I live, for money to go to a minor, there has to be a trustee. See if you need a trustee. You would need to name a guardian. Make sure that is SET. Make sure it will STICK in probate/surrogates' court.

And, I'd suggest term life insurance on you for the length of time he'll be a minor or whatever date you think is best. It is cheaper than regular life insurance and if you don't have a lot of savings, it is a way to hedge bets.

Also, Durable Power of Atty, usually for medical things for you, but it can also help smooth other legal stuff if you are temporarily incapacitated or disabled.

Build as much of a legal wall around the two of you with your real, built family. They are your rock. And you are his rock.

Also, forgive yourself...that history is a lot to carry. You are doing great. If there is a Pride march or event in your area, get both of you to it. June 24th is a beautiful day.

You are a child of God, made in her perfect image. No person on earth is above you or stands between you and God.

Your family are lost and miserable creatures who've turned their backs on God by rejecting yourself and your nephew and have only the pain of this rejection to share. You and your precious nephew were entrusted to them that they might emulate God's unconditional love for them and you, and they failed.

Bless you and your nephew, you will be in my prayers.

Someone else may have said this but:

1. Get to a family attorney and get legal custody of your nephew so they can't drag him back into a violent/abusive situation.

2. Get your nephew into counseling or at least reading some JohnShore.com.

3. Set up a paypal donation account to pay for the above 2 expenses. There are many of us out here who can kick in a few bucks and that will help.

4. You rock. I would have given anything to have had a family member take me in when my parents booted my queer ass out in high school. You are saving a life.

VABG, you've demonstrated a level of bravery and compassion that I've never had to demonstrate myself, and that I doubt I could pull off if the occasion for it ever arose. It's entirely possible that you've saved your nephew's life. Words are cheap, I know, but when times feel rocky (and they will for a while yet), console yourself in the knowledge that you're not "broken": you're an inspiration, and there's at least family here in Omaha that would be proud to count you one of us.

Do you want a new older sister? I'll volunteer. The rest of the family sounds great, too. This way you and your nephew will have relatives to visit in San Francisco.

Thank you. You are not broken, your family is. I wish I'd had an Auntie like you 19 years ago. Give that wonderful nephew of yours a great big hug. I'd be proud to have you in my family.

VABG, I think that the hatred you saw on the faces of your bio-relatives was rage that you have not, in fact, been struck down by their deity. Instead, you are flourishing enough that you are prepared to take on a new burden. This threatens their worldview.
Take as much care of yourself as you can; even seeing a counselor once a month for a status check can be helpful, if you can manage it.

Steven W. is wrong. It isn't RELIGION per se that makes people do bad things. Any set of us/them identities or arbitrary value systems can do that.

No, getting rid of religion will NOT solve society's problems. Doing stupid stuff like this is the uglier part of human nature. VABG's family didn't treat her like crud because they're Pentecostal; they treated her like crud because they ascribe to a value system that detests homosexuality. Military value systems have done the same. Secular value systems have done the same.

This is like just before Prohibition when people thought that alcohol caused crime and domestic violence. It didn't help, but it wasn't the underlying cause.

Poster @1 is right. VABG is the one who's acting like a real Christian, though I don't claim to know if she considers herself one.

Lots of Christians do good things like this. It's only that one cannot say "I'm doing this because I'm a Christian" without sounding like a dick or a nut, so no one says it.

Maybe it sucks for you, and no doubt it does, but your sister called you, and you came. And you rescued that boy. And the next gay kid to come out in your family or even their church will be met with (disgustingly and unfortunately) hate, but also a precedent of being immediately rescued. And hopefully, one fag at a time, one dyke at a time, they will all be rescued. Not shipped off to ex-gay camp, not guilted and hated into suicide, but rescued. You were strong enough to rescue yourself, and hopefully no one in your family after you will have to go it alone. I don't know your current religious leanings but if you believe in a god, maybe (s)he put you there, first in line to catch the hate and start the tradition, to save the rest. Maybe you're the martyr who made it, the one who got away, the light the next kid to come out sees at the end of the tunnel. For your nephew, you and your new self-made family are the proof that "It gets better", and it got better pretty quick thanks to you and your sister. Yes, your awful hideous sister. She threw him away, but she threw him to his salvation. She did him a very big favor, and maybe she knew it while she did it? I mean, she picked a loving and supportive home to kick him out into, not the streets or some Michelle Bachman camp, or a religious psych ward. She did make a choice to call you. If I were an optimist I'd say she's more on your side than she's likely to admit.

I'm gonna have to go back to read comments because it's bringing up so much pain. I have been there. I was rejected by my conservative Christian family, not for being gay, but for "putting the crown on my own head" in other ways. It hurts like hell, even when you know they're wrong, even when you know you had to get out. I was out of touch for years before we made an uneasy peace, and if I *had* been a lesbian, I don't know if that would even have happened.

Now, I bite my tongue when I have to, do my careful argumentation when I can (we're talkers in this family) and I love them immensely because I can't help it, even though they are so wrong and misguided and ignorant about so many things, even while being otherwise awesome. And I'm actually making a difference with certain individuals. And when one of my gazillion nieces and nephews turns out to be gay, they'll know that *I* am the one who will have their back. You never know how your example of selfless love of your nephew is affecting other family members going forward. You are doing something crucial for the future of your entire family. They look with hatred now because of what they've been taught about what it means. But the world is changing and you are changing your family by your existence and your care for this child who has been given to you.

I am so sorry. I know how it hurts. But you are making it better.

You are an incredibly amazingly wonderful person, VABG.

Your nephew is very lucky to have you, and this world is a much better place in having you a part of it.

Your birth family are damaged goods. Ignore them, and keep the love you have inside you going with your gathered family - they are the ones who are worth thinking about.

Love surrounds you; bask in it. And know that there are many people out here who are sending you, your gathered family, and your nephew all the love we can, also.

Someone wise once said that "Children most broken by the world become the adults most likely to change it."

You certainly exemplified that. Thank you for being you.

Man. The "brokenness" you describe - the pain, disbelief and confusion - feels so viscerally familiar to me.

You and I are just about the same age. (I'm a 31-year-old gay man.) For me, the coming-out-and-rejection happened about five years ago, not ten. At the time, I wrote a similar letter in a different online forum, asking any fellow-travelers to help me find perspective. Give me a poem or a speech or a song or something, I said. I couldn't understand the emotional violence of my family's reaction; it was as though they had become different people.

The loneliness and disappointment I felt, I said, was wrenching. I stood on the front porch of my own house and listened to a woman who had once been my tender and loving mother spit a word at me, into the open air, loud enough for all my neighbors to hear - "Pervert." How could she hate me with so much passion? When I think about it, that's pretty much exactly the question that tormented me.

My story has a different ending, though. After that night, I didn't see my mother again for three years. But when I did, she cried and begged for my forgiveness. These days, we talk every Sunday. She asks about my boyfriend and our cats; sends gifts for him. We don't really talk about the woman on the porch that night, but I've had to find a way of explaining to myself where that woman came from.

After that night, I found myself really trying to put myself in my family's shoes, trying to figure out what they might be feeling, and what might prompt them to such a distressing, hateful reaction. Like you, I had an evangelical Christian education - first through twelfth grade. (I went to a secular college, which made accepting my own sexuality a bit easier.) As I turned over my family's reaction in my mind, I kept coming back to the stories of Christ and the demons in the New Testament. I think my family felt that they had more-or-less discovered a demon inhabiting the son they thought they knew. They were able to express that hatred because in their minds, it wasn't hatred for me, it was hatred for the demon.

It was the mirror image of how I was reacting to them. Just the way I no longer recognized the woman shouting slurs at me on my front porch, they no longer recognized me. It was that feeling - the sense I had that in their minds the real me had been kidnapped and replaced with something vile and self-destructive - that was so discomfiting and painful to me. Believe me, I knew that I was perfectly fine with myself and in control of myself. But they didn't know that, and they genuinely hated what they thought I had become.

I [oddly] began to feel better when I realized that it wasn't just the hatred they expressed that was so messed up. It was that, in their minds, that hatred was actually love. They thought they were expressing love for me and hatred for the thing consuming me.

Anyone who's ever been in a serious relationship that went sour knows how thin the line between love and hate can actually be. I think it's facile to say that true love never looks like hatred. But I do believe that true empathy and support never looks like hatred. I love my family deeply. And when I thought I saw something vile and ruinous in them, I took a higher road than they did - I tried to understand it. And I have no idea if this will help you the way it helped me, but it really did become a source of comfort. I could reconcile the hateful woman on my porch with the loving person I'd known all my life; I could accept that these two beings were one and the same, and I could forgive her.

I've always loved the Prayer of St. Francis, which says, "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, joy. O divine master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console. To be understood as to understand. To be loved as to love."

I love this prayer because even if you don't believe in any god at all, you can recognize the prayer as actually being an exhortation to oneself - a reminder that the best of us don't return hatred with hatred, but that we strive for a better path. Which brings me to the other way your story differs from mine.

I was pretty happy with myself for having the strength and character not to one-up my family's hatred. But I cannot imagine the fortitude you must have to not only deal with their vitriol, but to provide a foundation of love and assurance and protection for someone much more vulnerable. That is amazing. The love you have shown your nephew is the best possible example there can be of a person meeting St. Francis' ideal, turning hatred into love, darkness into light, sadness into joy.

If any piece of this resonates with you, this might help to salve that brokenness just a bit: you are no demon. You are an angel.

You are an angel.

You are an angel.

You are loved.

So I want you to know is this: what you've done already has already made everything, potentially, infinitely better than it was before. And I know that maybe you feel a huge pressure or a responsibility or a sense that you're not up to this. And maybe there's a bit of all these hundreds of messages that is making that feeling *even worse* (or might do, some day further down the line, when the buzz of all of this has worn off and maybe you or the kid fucked up a little, and you're feeling like it's all doomed doooomed, and you think, even though you don't mean to, omg I let all those other people down too).

So I just wanted to say, what you've done so far is good, and everything else is gravy. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You just have to keep going, and hold onto the light. Stuff like this goes on every day, sadly, and we all just have to keep on, and do the best we can. And you're doing the best you can, and that's enough. It's all okay.

(save this comment for that time of wavering faith, if you like)

So I want you to know is this: what you've done already has already made everything, potentially, infinitely better than it was before. And I know that maybe you feel a huge pressure or a responsibility or a sense that you're not up to this. And maybe there's a bit of all these hundreds of messages that is making that feeling *even worse* (or might do, some day further down the line, when the buzz of all of this has worn off and maybe you or the kid fucked up a little, and you're feeling like it's all doomed doooomed, and you think, even though you don't mean to, omg I let all those other people down too).

So I just wanted to say, what you've done so far is good, and everything else is gravy. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You just have to keep going, and hold onto the light. Stuff like this goes on every day, sadly, and we all just have to keep on, and do the best we can. And you're doing the best you can, and that's enough. It's all okay.

(save this comment for that time of wavering faith, if you like)

@243,

tbarry82,

I'm so sorry. Here is a virtual hug. Stay strong. May the family you create bless you.

Fondly,
kim

I'm not sure if internet love is worth 1% of real person love, but imagine it is: 300 comments full of love here adds up to the equivalent of another three people who love you and your nephew. There's enough love in this world to overwhelm even that powerful hate that you felt, and you're already tapping into it. VABG, you're winning just by living your life: nephew, you may feel lost, but a weight has been taken off you. You can fly now, and buoy up your aunt as you go.

Dear VABG,
We both won the nephew lottery. I'm straight, but a liberal from a very conservative Midwest family. When I went home for my brother's wedding two years ago, the uncle who lambasted me for refusing to acknowledge that Blacks were animals and joined the rest of my family in ridiculing me for going to college and getting "liberal ideas" that all were equal took me aside--"I think my kid's a fag, can he come live with you in (West Coast city)?" I said yes. What a gift we have in being able to rescue young people from shitty environments where they would be beaten down! You've done the hard part--making a new life with found family. Now, enjoy that family, and integrate your nephew. You are doing the best work one can do. Focus on that. And thank you.
Vera

Dan is right, as usual. You need to understand that your family's hate and anger is all about them and in no way reflects you. Lemma say that again, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO YOU AS A PERSON! They may never come around, or they may. I would recommend some therapy for you so you can deal with this and for your nephew who was just tossed out of the house just to help you both deal with this mess your family made.

You did a wonderful thing taking in your nephew and giving him the opportunity to understand there is nothing wrong with him. Just remember that there is nothing wrong with you either.

I don't know what I can add to these comments. VBAG, you drew a short straw when it comes to supportive families, and I'm so, so sorry for that. You deserve better. I know things look bleak right now, being confronted face to face with your family's inability to accept you or your nephew. But you've done a wonderful thing.
You're going to show your nephew that family isn't necessarily just biology. You've made a good one, and you'll help him to find one, too. You have one more member of your chosen family--someone who brings youth and promise with him, who is actually your biological family.

Right now, you have one more member of your biological family than you had before. You've been given a gift.

Keep doing what you've been doing, creating a life for yourself with a family of choice who loves, cherishes, nourishes, nurtures, and protects you.
It will get better.

And please know that there are many, many people who think you're heroic and brave and compassionate, loving, and giving.

You are AMAZING. This is one of the hardest times in your life, but I'm picturing you at some moment in the future, looking at your nephew and realizing that this was also the exact moment at which life started to get better, for BOTH of you. Forgive the awkward comparison, but maybe the pain you're going through right now is like the pain of childbirth-- worth it, for what it will bring you in the end. I hope that you and your nephew will grow close, he'll thrive, and in time, the JOY of that will be even bigger than your current pain. No matter what happens, you will always know that you did the right thing. You were incredibly brave to go back into that situation. Also, excruciatingly painful as it is, maybe it will ultimately be freeing to stop wishing you'll be reunited with your family of origin. You HAVE been reunited with your nephew, and maybe he's the best of the bunch! I know it doesn't erase the pain of being rejected by your parents and siblings, but at least you have a biological family member now who can relate to you in ways you probably never expected from within that family. That's a gift.

Please do...

1. Get legal protections are in place so that no one from your family can take your nephew back, make him go reparative therapy, or anything like that.

2. Consider seeking child support. Maybe this could be accomplished without any direct contact with the family.

3. Find a counselor who will help you heal in the least painful way possible, and move forward in a positive way. (I suggest this just because of my own experiences in therapy, where sometimes delving too deeply into past pain was overwhelming and I left sessions feeling *more* emotionally wrecked. I finally found a counselor who helped me pace myself and acknowledge the pain but also take positive steps so I felt BETTER after my sessions with her-- that's my hope for you and your nephew. I hope you can both get joint as well as individual counseling.

4. Get help from your friends and chosen family (maybe show them this thread?), and maybe from some new people, too. A church community (Unitarian?), LGBT organizations like P-FLAG, etc.

5. There is financial help available. Just the emotional and practical aspects of this are plenty to deal with. I hope that money wasn't tight for you before, but if so, it's an added stress for it to be even tighter, now, and that's a stress you don't have to face alone. Like EricaP said, a fund could probably be created for you here on SLOG. I don't know if it would amount to much, but heck, if each of 300 people gave $5 each, that would be $1500! If you're someone for whom that would make a big difference, ASK. Keep asking. You might be eligible for other helpful things, too, like food stamps, family leave from work, etc.

Last but not least, KNOW that your family is completely wrong about you. That's very painful, I know, but not so much as doubting for a moment that you are a wonderful person; worthy of love; living an honest, authentic, hard-earned, meaningful, beautiful life. You need to live well, to show your nephew that he made the right choice in coming out, and that there's a great life ahead for him, too.

Do things (deep breaths, funny movies, hot baths, cups of tea, inspiring sayings, uplifting music, flowers in the house, walks in nature-- whatever works for you) to lift your spirits, like you've lifted all of ours with your inspiring story. You deserve peace, love, and happiness!

You're gonna make it through this and be stronger and happier than ever, I just know it. Meanwhile...

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
It's how the light gets in." -Leonard Cohen

Sending oodles of love and gratitude your way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAV0XrbEw…
Just change the lyrics a little.
You bio family needs a fuck you and fuck off.

I am a Christian, and I hope you will accept this when I say I am praying for you and your nephew. Thank you for your goodness and selflessness and taking him. And I will pray for your family, too. Who knows, anyone can change...