Comments

302
Holy crap! I've been following the comments since Dan first posted this and right now we're @ 299. Like others have said, some of the comments here are as heartbreaking and simultaneously uplifting as VAGB's letter.

I don't know whether Stranger staff are working overtime to spike any trollishness as soon as it happens, but I've been on SLOG since it started and I've never seen a thread like this go this long without some hater jumping in. Or maybe they're just shamed by the incredible grace shown by VAGB and every single poster here.

And someone asked if you wanted an older sister and someone else called you cousin. Proud to join the crowd as your uncle in Seattle if you need one.

303
YOU are the true Christian and the true child of God. Your family are just haters. Shame on them.

Hold your "true family" to yourself, take care of your nephew and don't look back.
304
I can but share my own experience, and hope it can connect with your own on some level. After I came out to my family (on the same evening when I told them I was "dropping out" of college - to pick it up again after a gap year, and some level of drama ensued), my family and I silently agreed to a safe emotional distance, even though we continued communication. Things stayed in this limbo for a long time. Then, after 11 years, I moved back to the city where my family is, with the announcement of a life partner. Suddenly the aversion, the sadness, the pain all surfaced again - the rejection - all the emotions that I thought were being worked through all this time, each by ourselves. And I reacted as angrily and vulnerably as I did 11 years ago. The 11 years might as well not have passed - and in fact on the emotional realm, time had stood still, the broken 20 year-old me was still there at 31. But the 31 year-old was stronger, and realized that the brokenness can now be released after keeping him in cryogenics for all these years. It will indeed get better. Love and strength to you.
305
The greatest compliment an old queen like me can bestow: You are not broken - You are very much Auntie Mame (and so much, much more). Teach your nephew to live.
306
Dear VA Broken Girl - you are what is good in the world! I can't imagine the pain you've gone through but hopefully it helps even a bit to know that there are a whole lot of people out here rooting for you and your family.
307
I am a friend of vabg and we just wanted to say thank you for all the love and support that you have shown. She is really overwhelmed by all of this. She just needed to "vent" is what she told me and never expected anything to come of it.

She wants everyone to know all of the legal stuff is being taken care of, and that he is here to stay. He is already in therapy, and we have found him a local church here so he can be happy.

Also the talk about money is what threw her for the biggest loop, but to out everyone's minds to rest money is not an issue, its all good.

If you knew her you would know how hard that letter was for her to write. She tries to live her life in joy and happiness, and is a success the majority of the time. As you can tell from her letter she is strong and she will better than ever.

Thank you again everyone, you will never know how much this means to her and him.
308
Maybe Dan can help you to set up a fund: to help with expenses and college for your nephew if he wants to attend. I'd be the first to donate.

You rock Lady!
309
Perhaps what broke was whatever part of you that was waiting those ten years to be "let back into" the family. While it's okay to be sad that your genetic relations as a group didn't miss you or realize they loved you, they have spared you considerable agony in the form of the conditional acceptance dance in which so many of us find themselves. You can with a perfectly clear conscience have dealings with them only if they come to you and manifest good faith. If there is ever to be even a partial reunion, any of them who desire it must be the one(s) to petition to reenter your life and your nephew's.

You and your nephew have both demonstrated considerable courage and have providentially been thrust together outside of that little version of the Bermuda Triangle. Perhaps your first order of business should be to make sure that they can't get him back once the first shock of the situation wears off and they might begin to realize the potential queer-positive outcome of the situation from the other side. It is absolutely phenomenal that, however malicious the motivation and the execution, they've actually done the best thing they could have done for your nephew, while you now have a genetically related person in your life to become part of your real family.

It's terribly sad you were both in such a toxic environment for so long, but you made it out and built a good life, and now you'll be able to help your nephew do the same. You will both make it better, and are already doing so. Through all the difficulties that lie ahead, you already have your affirmation: "I will help him learn to love himself for who he is if it is the last thing I do in this world."

What they were doing during the ten years was standing still and strengthening their hatred. What you were doing was laying the foundation for what you're now able to do for someone who needs and deserves to heal from living with people who considered him filth.

Good on you both. And please send updates!
310
Yay 307! Thank you!! And for those not reading unregistered comments, it's from a friend of VABG.
311
"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." (Philippians 4:8)

Your actions are worthy of praise in a big way.

You have done an amazing thing, not just in taking in your nephew, but in how you have chosen to live your life. Your father gave you a Bible -- well, ideas are dangerous things. You seem to have read it and learned what Jesus was really about in terms of love and sacrifice. [see Matthew 25]

Your sister at least trusted you enough to ask you for help, although she didn't phrase it quite that way, and it was brave of her to let your nephew have a chance at a good life, though it will be awhile before you two can see it that way.

May you have the grace to come to see these things as gifts and not only as sources of pain.

Of course you are hurt, and your nephew surely is as well -- grieve for your loss, then focus on making your new life together. While it is your birth family who have lost amazing people through their misguided beliefs, you are entitled to be sad, and to grieve, and to know that you may feel hurt for a long time -- but you are strong enough to work through it.

You are amazingly strong. Be proud of that.

I agree with the people who said:

*Get a lawyer
*Get a therapist
*Find a church
*Ask your friends for help

Just because you are doing the right thing and truly walking in the way of the cross, doesn't mean it will be easy, and you and your nephew need to surround yourselves with help, support, and love. It's hard to ask for help, and sometimes hard to accept love and help. That may be especially hard for your nephew. Do it anyway.

Print out all the comments to read on bad days. Know that lots and lots of people are thinking of you or praying for you.

For a completely different look at religion and single parenthood, you might want to read Annie Lamott's Plan B. http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/56615739 It might not offer practical advice, but much of it is funny, and her ideas are interesting.

God bless you, and your nephew, and keep you strong.
312
VABG You sound like a very kind and remarkably generous person, to take your nephew in without a second thought .

"I feel like I'm broken. I feel like everything I have made for myself over the last 10 years is nothing. How can my whole family not only not love me anymore but hate me with so much passion?"

To me it sounds like you were too soft on your family, and this is why you allowed yourself to be "broken" when you returned and were confronted with the same hatred you faced when you first came out to them. You gave them the benefit of the doubt, and in doing that you gave them too much power over you, the power to crush you when you saw them again.

Like Dan said, fuck them. Let them rot.

Very few of us get through life without becoming damaged by it. And maybe us damaged people can't be the impeccable role models, and beacons of light that we imagine we'd be if we weren't broken, but without the tragedy of a broken life, what incentive is there to stop on our climb toward personal greatness and help others younger than ourselves.

Self knowledge and good intentions can help make up for a lot of that damage. I wish you all the very best.

And like Leonard Cohen said; "It's the ones who've cracked that the light shines through."
313
Next time one of these family members calls you to "get" another gay child, you show up with all the friends you've made at their doorstep for support, especially the really queer friends.
314
God bless you VAGB.

"I don't understand why this is affecting me so much." Argh!, because they're your family and they are supposed to love you unconditionally. The fact that they don't seems like a special kind of evil. An unnatural, psychopathic evil. Maybe you cannot drum up the anger that your family deserves (because you're nice that way), but I'll be angry at them for you. I'm furious at them for abusing you and your nephew. Make sure when you go to court for the custody hearings and child-support hearings that you make the judge understand how abusive their behavior is. If it's not child abuse to abandon a child for being gay, it sure as hell should be.
Your story got me all riled up, Aunty VAGB.

I wish I could meet you and your nephew. I'd give you both a hug. Also, if you can, get your asses to Northern Virginia or DC. Things are way cooler up here than in Southern VA.
315
Let's imagine for a minute that you ARE broken, VAGB. In Japan, when a bowl is broken, it isn't just fixed with glue to try to make the broken part invisible. The broken lines are filled with GOLD, to let the lines add beauty to the original bowl. The combination of your horrible experiences with the bio family AND the wild, loving new family you have created for yourself, which now includes your dear nephew, is your GOLD. And I never thought I'd see the day when over 300 other broken, smart, messed up, quarrelsome, highly opinionated sloggers would unite and stand up to support someone. But we do. ALL of us do. And the people we are here to stand up for are YOU and YOUR NEPHEW. You can do this, and we want to hear how you are from time to time. Please.
316
I too had a similar reaction to dan's- it's amazing that you've been able to go forth and create a life for yourself, and your nephew is incredibly lucky to have an aunt like you that he can turn to. i can't imagine how painful it must be feel to be cast out so strongly from your family, and I don't think saying "fuck your family" makes it any easier, but i just hope you realize how amazing and incredible you are, to be able to carry on and be there for your nephew, like no one else in your family was for you. keep your chin up!
317
So much love for you and your nephew. so many blessings and light and love and piles of tissues and tea and warm hugs because damn you deserve all of the support you can get. Hang in there. We love you.
318
VAGB, I'd have called you an incredibly strong person for being able to go forth and make a life for yourself. A lot of people would've been broken, having been on the receiving end of your family's spew of filth. You weren't broken -- you went out and made a life for yourself.

And then you dropped everything, and went and rescued your nephew, brought him into your home, and are giving him the chance you never had.

You're not broken. You're completely fucking awesome.
319
That's it. I've teared-up several times already over this. I want to help.
Really, like EricaP first said (@202), some of us would be willing to do something tangible for these two people. Dan, or somebody, could we possibly find a way to contribute to some fund while keeping our LW anonymous (if that's what she wants)?
320
That family gave you an amazing gift, your nephew! We people, we're like jagged rocks thrown into a polisher. Abrasives wear down our sharp edges eventually. That part of your family = abrasives...."With or without religion you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."—Steven Weinberg That abrasiveness has / will wear away so many of your sharp edges, which will lead to you and your nephew are walking away with an even bigger gift...compassion and empathy. Each of you will have more of these precious qualities than all of that part of your family combined. And that is an amazing gift as well.
321
What would Jesus do? He would do exactly what you're doing. You say you are a "broken" person, and you're taking in someone who is being shunned from his society for being who he is. Together you are building a loving family, and you will heal each other. God loves you for it. Jesus loves you for it. Without religion, you are doing the lord's work. Too bad your family does not and cannot see that.

I echo Dan's words. Forget your family. You have your own family now. You are better off. Thank god your nephew has your. Thank god you have your nephew. Look to the future. You all have a bright one.
322
Some days it'll take a deep breath and a fake smile at first. Be practical, pragmatic and loving as you are, concentrate on settling in your new life together. This kid will need help adjusting, relearning how to live, building new relationships, healing, and being a teenager.

I recognize the grief and the mourning. Your family got it all wrong, but they're your family and you were still hoping and now you feel like something died. It was your hopes of them coming around, your hopes of a healthy relationship with your family. It was a good hope to have and now they snatched it away from you unceremoniously. I know how that feels.

It's okay to mourn. It's okay to go through all the extreme emotions, to feel like you officially bury them away, it's okay to be angry, to hate, to cry, to scream, to despair. There'll be nights like that and all you can do is see them for what they are, accept the emotions, grieve. It's all okay for a while, you don't have to pretend you're not in pain, let your chosen family lend you a shoulder to cry on so that you don't have to always be strong. Then wake up in the morning, love your nephew and go on. You'll see that after a while, because you're a decent, responsible, loving human being, you may come to terms with it all and still be open to hope.

And do remember that your nephew will be grieving too. Mourn together, but also have fun together, show him love and life and fun and what it's all about. And consider therapy if either of you could use it. This isn't a small thing you two are going through.

All my love and wishes. You two will be fine. You'll be just fine.
323
It's easy to say fuck them, ignore them, you're well rid of them. And it's correct in this case: real human beings don't throw people away.

Still, nobody gets under your skin like family does. No matter how rational you are and how much time goes by, they can still make you crazy. Knowing that is the first step toward coping with it.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now but I'm astonished by your strength and bravery. You've faced those crackpots and you've taken on an awesome responsibility. You've given that kid a chance, and I'm so happy you're in the world. Thank you.
324
Good job taking care of Family...one of whom apparently is suddenly "immediate" Family by a spin of fate...while the only healthy way to deal with the others seems to be letting go.
Please reach out for help from sane queer-friendly family counselors or some comparable resources...you ought to have extra-lush and robust support in this time of suddenly taking on so much at a time when the same circumstance involved you being subjected to the radioactive madness you had been living beyond. Best luck and massive ENCOURAGEMENT to Nephew also, VBag...he deserves tons of encouragement...though in a supportive environment without the 24/7 negative signals...he may rebound surprisingly well. Yay New Family ! Yay Team Love!
325
We are the same you and I, in one way. We love our families unconditionally. The most significant difference between us is that you know depths of strength and motivation that I never will. I am profoundly impressed by and in awe of you. Anyone who has emerged from your experience with the dignity and self-respect that you have has all the tools they need to give your nephew the family and support he deserves.
326
So, I'm not a religious person, nor am I a homosexual. That being said, this article/letter actually made ME feel good. I know how it feels to be raked over the coals, maybe not the way the writer did, but I know how it feels. Even though your blood family has given up on you and your nephew, a whole different family is there for you and your nephew. Never let anyone get you down for who you really are. In fact, embrace it as you mentioned.

I am close friends with many people who are gay/lesbian and I know when we first met, they thought that I agreed with their life style just to be their friends. It was half true...I agreed with their life style because I personally don't care how someone lives their life. If you wanna be gay, then by all means do your thing. It was with that that we became even closer friends.

I bet you probably won't read this comment coming from someone who is annonomous (pardon my spelling), but know that...(*sigh* insert Randy Newman) You Got a Friend in me! I hope one day you Dan tells eveyone that you are doing better than you expected...that your family welcomes you back with open arms, accepting for who you and your nephew are...I hope that one day (doubt it), we meet and we share a few laughs, some drinks, and maybe even shed a few tears (of joy of course) to what has made you and your nephew a better person. Religion should never affect anyone...so if you still are a religious person, then go to church. It may not be the same congregation you used to attend, but if your God helps you get through your everyday life, then let him/her in!

I hope for your and nephew's well-being...and may you two live a happy and healthy life

~Mizzle
327
I'm sorry you and your nephew were born into such a broken family. You both deserved better. There is so much love for both of you in this world and you will get through this and shine.
328
I also liked the suggestion of getting a lawyer to help protect the youth from a potentially traumatic recall...and some strong healthy mentorship (he just said a good talk.......)for nephew's safety from the yucky and predatory aspect of the larger subculture...that character who posted those suggestions could be your team's security officer!
329
I also liked the suggestion of getting a lawyer to help protect the youth from a potentially traumatic recall...and some strong healthy mentorship (he just said a good talk.......)for nephew's safety from the yucky and predatory element/aspect of the larger subculture...an aspect which is real but not as real as the majority of LGBT folks...like other folks...who really mostly just want to get along! That character who posted those suggestions could be your team's security officer...
330
You´re not broken, you´re awesome!
You rescued your nephew and gave me hope!
331
Your are such a Hero! A real live Hero! I wish I had a poster of you on my wall, that I could look at when I feel depressed by the world and the masses of ignorant and uncaring people in it, because you give me hope. If there are people like you in the world then the world can still be saved, just as you saved your nephew, and he is so incredibly lucky to have you.

I totally agree with whatever person it was previously in this massive thread of love and support that said that you should write a book. Because you definitely should. I know I would read it, and recommend it to everyone I know.
332
Dear Broken Girl,

I'm a straight father of two, atheist now but of Anglican upbringing, and I wish you all the strength and love you need and deserve. Your nephew is lucky to have a resource in you that you never had - both family and friend.

The rest of your family are, tragically, in the grip of a philosophy of hate which they mistake for piety. You can think of it as an addiction to philosophy. To the rational outsider their behaviour is illogical and, frankly, disgusting. The problem is, their addiction is actively supported by a wider Pentecostal community, making it very hard for them to change.

I suspect you will always love your family, because you know that despite the hate-programming they've been subjected to, they are essentially good people who think they are doing the right thing. This doesn't in any way detract from the awfulness of what they have done to you and your nephew, but maybe it can help you put it into a different perspective.

You may have to work hard for years to help your family recover, and I can't tell you where to turn for help because right now they probably don't even realize they have a problem. Perhaps, with time and through example, you can educate them, and maybe one at a time at first. Who do you think is the most able to resist their programming? Your parents? One of your siblings? Are there treatment programs they can participate in? Perhaps led by more tolerant Christian denominations? Because not everyone holds the Pentecostal view, as you probably know.

I write all of this because I assume that you not only still love your afflicted family, but you may also still value the parts of your faith which are consistent with Jesus' teachings of love and inclusion. As I said, I'm atheist myself but the disease afflicting your family has less to do with faith, and more to do with powerful cult-like power structures defining their identity in terms of "evil outsiders" who are threatening, for whatever reason. Dictators all over the world control entire nations this way, and there's no guarantee your family will be strong enough to resist, but you can and should always hold out hope and love for them if you can.

Good luck, be strong and proud, and try to forgive. You have done a brilliant job of finding your way, and your nephew will learn from your example :)

333
Dear Broken Girl,

I'm a straight father of two, atheist now but of Anglican upbringing, and I wish you all the strength and love you need and deserve. Your nephew is lucky to have a resource in you that you never had - both family and friend.

The rest of your family are, tragically, in the grip of a philosophy of hate which they mistake for piety. You can think of it as an addiction to philosophy. To the rational outsider their behaviour is illogical and, frankly, disgusting. The problem is, their addiction is actively supported by a wider Pentecostal community, making it very hard for them to change.

I suspect you will always love your family, because you know that despite the hate-programming they've been subjected to, they are essentially good people who think they are doing the right thing. This doesn't in any way detract from the awfulness of what they have done to you and your nephew, but maybe it can help you put it into a different perspective.

You may have to work hard for years to help your family recover, and I can't tell you where to turn for help because right now they probably don't even realize they have a problem. Perhaps, with time and through example, you can educate them, and maybe one at a time at first. Who do you think is the most able to resist their programming? Your parents? One of your siblings? Are there treatment programs they can participate in? Perhaps led by more tolerant Christian denominations? Because not everyone holds the Pentecostal view, as you probably know.

I write all of this because I assume that you not only still love your afflicted family, but you may also still value the parts of your faith which are consistent with Jesus' teachings of love and inclusion. As I said, I'm atheist myself but the disease afflicting your family has less to do with faith, and more to do with powerful cult-like power structures defining their identity in terms of "evil outsiders" who are threatening, for whatever reason. Dictators all over the world control entire nations this way, and there's no guarantee your family will be strong enough to resist, but you can and should always hold out hope and love for them if you can.

Good luck, be strong and proud, and try to forgive. You have done a brilliant job of finding your way, and your nephew will learn from your example :)

334
I agree with everyone who said to see an attorney - you are entitled to child support and guardianship, which entails important benefits such as hospital visitation rights, power of attorney, and tax deductions. In theory, your sister should be reported for child abuse as well to the child protection services of whatever state she's in.
335
I've been reading Dan for years, but have never posted before now. I can't add to the discussion other than to repeat that you represent the very best of the human spirit, and thank god you were there for that boy of yours.

You family is beyond awful. If you're taking applications for replacements, sign me up as your new aunt in Massachusetts.
336
There's an old adage that love and hate are two sides of the same coin. I don't have any clue about you or your family, obviously, I could still imagine a scenario in which there's a lot of pressure, fear, frustration, and generally *ambivalence* within certain members of your family over this incident. Likely you're a convenient target to transfer the grief of sacrificing another family member.

Obvs this is just a guess on my part. But as to your questions about how they could possibly hate you as much as they seem to... I can't help thinking that the level of wrath you describe is borne of some deep conflict within (and possibly between) some family members that you're not currently (and may never be) privy to.

If that's the case.. all I can do is hope & pray that one day other members of your family will find the strength to stand up for what they know in their hearts to be right & just, against the abhorrent belief structure your parents and the church have enforced on them.

Mainly I wish I could give you and your nephew a big hug. I wish only the best good fortune for the two of you. Kia kaha.
337
This post made me cry too, but not when I read what your family did. I cried when Dan said "Thank God for you." Because he's right. Your very existence is a blessing for your nephew. I hope knowing that helps to heal the wounds of your estrangement from your family.

Christians say that the Lord moves in mysterious ways. I don't worship their Lord, but I can absolutely look at this situation and think: how would his life be if you didn't exist? If you hadn't ever come out, or hadn't survived. You did survive and you are what he needs. Thank you, for being there for him.
338
I'm late to this party, so I'm sure this is very repetitive but here goes anyway..

First massive, gigantic, monumental kudos to you for stepping up for your nephew. Have no doubt in your mind; you have saved his life. Though this is a terrible trauma for your nephew, he will no doubt be better off in your accepting and loving family than he was in the hateful clan he comes from. I dearly would like to ask your sister what she thinks Jesus would say about a mother abandoning her child and calling him filth. I'm an atheist, but even I think the original man who became the Jesus character would have harsh words, and not for your nephew.

Beyond that I think you should get to an LGBT advocacy organization. Though he has a wonderful loving aunt, he has grown up in a fundamentalist cultre that has taught him to hate himself and he has gone through the ripping pain of abandonment by his family. The kid needs therapy, and an LGBT organization can help you find understanding professionals. Consider the possibility of going to one yourself as well, since this has re-opened your wounds. They can also advise you as to your legal standing. Ideally you would get guardianship of your nephew or he could get emqancipation to prevent him being taken back and put through some sort of conversion torture or merely abused within the home. Of course, there's the risk that merely by attempting to assert such guardianship you could provoke them into hauling him back in retaliation, so you should probably talk to someone with strong legal credentials about the situation.

You have a buttload of work ahead of you. You suddenly have a teenage son, who needs love and support and also to study and get into a nice liberal college. I wish I had half the strength you've already shown. A broken person doesn't step up the way you did. You may be hurt, but you are whole on the inside. The broke ones are the hate-filled individuals with Bibles where their hearts should be that you left behind. You get to live your life with love and integrity and a now with a new member of your growing family. They get to live with themselves and each other and their collective hatred and fear, which strikes me as more terrible a punishment than any one person can mete out (urges to punch them collectively in the throat nonwithstanding). In my book, you've already one, and so has your nephew.
339
Everyone else has said everything already. I just want to add to the chorus -- you are strong, and you are a hero. And it is a gift that your nephew will be with you instead of some of the alternative situations his family could have created for him. You will both come out of this even stronger.
340
Dan, you are a little intolerant, and I'm saying it that way because I want to get your attention. You are intolerant of VAGB, of her love for her family, even though they hate her. Losing your family is like getting your arm cut off, even if they hate you. Jesus wasn't a god, but he understood people, he really did. VAGB still loves her family, she just doesn't have a family anymore. Friends, spouses, community, it's not the same.

We love our families, just like VAGB. After something like this you will continue to love your family for a long time, you will love your memories of them and then you will love them after you have almost forgotten them. They won't change, they won't accept you, they won't welcome you back, they won't stop saying horrible things about you. You will love them anyway.

Religion doesn't make people good or bad, it helps them express themselves. VAGB's family isn't evil, they are crazy. How crazy would any of us have to be to banish a child? It's not helpful to hate anyone and VAGB doesn't want to hate anyone. VAGB wants to grieve, to help her nephew grieve, and all while she does the sensible things like talk to a lawyer, buy groceries, get the kid to the dentist, make sure she has a savings account and a will, get the kid through college, teach him to drive, hell, be a parent.

Forgiveness and acceptance, not because Jesus was a god, but because all the other options totally suck.
341
Chances are your life and your nephew's future life are way better than your crap family who rejected you
342
Ma'am, there are not words in the english language to express what a truly beautiful person you are.
343
All power to you VA (Broken Girl), you deserve every happiness and success with your attitude of love, honesty, compassion and sincerity. Your family's attitude is purely a reflection on them and their sad acceptance of mindless, inhuman religious dogma. Love and hugs to you and your cousin.
344
You truly are a gift from god to your nephew.

Which is the least he can do, since he gave your nephew an innate attraction to males but didn't give him or his fellow homosexuals any good holes to express that attraction in.

what a jokester that guy god is....
345
oh you slavish fanboys and faghags have barely plumbed the depths of Dan's great humanity and tolerance and homowisdom....

just wait till The Kid converts to Mormonism and asked Danny to fund his two year mission.
346
I am not gay, but I do have a LOT of experience of a *kind* of coming out to my family. I do not for a second compare what I went through to the bald and naked violence you experience (and make no mistake, what you went through was an emotionally violent experience.) But I am beyond words and full of awe, seriously, that in the environment that you were in, you knew what would happen and you did it anyway so that you could leave a place of death to find life. And find it you have, and you and your nephew will be in this lifeboat you created - God, he needs that. And you need him.

My own brother did his own kind of coming out (it feels weird to call it that, because it's not the same circumstance, but it is the same process) and was immediately rejected by everybody as well. Now he and I can talk to each other without the weird bullshit that was ALWAYS there before either one of us moved on from it.

I'm fumbling here, but you are not broken. You are the least broken person in this scenario. Your family is spectacularly broken. Your soul at least had its shit together to realize if it didn't leave it was gonna BE broken, as did your nephew. I think it's possible that your nephew came out (instead of, maybe, leaving this world?) because he held on to the fact that ahead of him, you had left and had not come back, which is exactly what he wanted to do.

Best of luck - you know, I feel like if we knew where you lived all of us'd just drive there right now and have the party of our lives, all of us who have decided to live in the light and simply exist as who we are.
347
@307 I'm so glad that these messages have reached VABG! Godspeed and Love to her, the kid, and all of your homemade family!

Very glad to hear that the aunt doesn't need financial assistance, but I thought that while they might be able to get by without it, getting an award of child support from the abandoning parents might serve as an official rebuke from a court, and a monthly reminder of what they have done. But, I know nothing of Virginia law, or what the percentage of troglodytes is on the family court bench. I was just expressing my anger at the parents and a small desire for a measure of, well... not so much revenge, as justice.

Please forgive me for the unsolicited advice, and take my love and thanks for being awesome people in its place.
348
I can't imagine the pain that you go through having had your family cut you off, and as you so generously guide someone else through life after being cast out from the same family, navigating his anger and despair, I imagine it brings up all of yours. But your nephew is so lucky to have you, to show him what real love is, to show him what not living a life out of toxic fear and hate is. I envision you as this fierce warrior, fighting each and every day through the pain. If there is a day you don't win, that's okay, back to the fight when you're ready. Fighting as, slowly, it gets better. And it will get better.
349
This brought tears to my eyes, and i am thankful that my religious family does not exile me for being atheist. You are strong and have a far better chance of making it into a positive afterlife than any of those hateful bigots.
350
I bet you a dime there are others in that clan that are in the closet because of fear. I bet they think there is nowhere to go and nobody that will love them if they come out. You 2 can't be the only ones. I'd hope you could put the word out that you would accept any of them who were tired of the hiding and the lies and the hate to come to you and be a family. A real family based on love and mutual acceptance.

In the meantime you and your nephew have more of a family than they do - revel in it.
351
Support and Blessings to you for your Courage, your Heart, your Creation of REAL FAMILY of choice, and of your Truth! You have my admiration!!
352
Wow. A deeply sad story told by an obviously strong and beautiful woman.

I echo the words of @340. What your family did was clearly beyond awful. Inhumane even. But the vitriol in a lot of comments here is not helpful. Hating your own family is NOT FUN! And hating them harder doesn't make you heal quicker.

Acknowledge the wrongness of their actions. And make sure you're not carrying around any guilt. But then try to find a way to stop carrying around the hate too. They've gone to great lengths to make that a pretty big task! But it's possible.

You spent 10 years building walls around those feelings of rejection. They were useful walls, and they helped you to cope. But as you saw, they were not unshakeable. If you find a good psychologist, they will be able to help you deal with those feelings so you can move on; but without tearing down those walls completely and leaving you in a quivering mess. So get recommendations, shop around, and find the best psych you can afford.

Or just buy a big chest freezer and stock it full of amazing gourmet icecream.
353
Add me to the list of people left in tears by your letter. I'm so glad your nephew has you, and that you have formed a new family of your own. Sending lots and lots of love from this corner of the country.
354
Your family is an awful hateful one. And hate breeds depression, so of course it broke you. But it can only break you for so long, so let it and show your nephew because a part of him is broken too. And tell him how much you love him and would never do that to him. Tell him that you are his family now. Tell him that you will mend together and it will get better.
355
@344-5, fuck off. And calling Seattleblues, where are the Christians in this story? Because they aren't in the churches in this story. You know, the whole "the greatest commandment is love" and so on that Jesus actually said (not Paul).

@307, I'm glad to hear that VABG is doing well, as is her nephew. Just let her know that "overwhelmed" is a wholly appropriate response to the situation of a sudden family expansion, and if she's not doing it already, she should get herself some counseling too. She's the Good Samaritan to her family's robbers, priest, and Levite rolled into one.
356
If anyone is reading this at a public library and you also notice your reference librarian is crying...
357
Although I have not walked in your shoes, I left the Baptist church over their intolerance of LGBTQI people. I know--I *know*--that the message of God is one of unwavering love, and you are truly walking in the footsteps of Christ with your acceptance and love of your nephew. I hope you don't mind if I pray for you, Sister VABG and Brother Nephew.

Lord, please share with these people how special they are. Please warm them with the light of your love, and the love of all of us, strangers in the world but family in spirit. When times get difficult for them, as they always do eventually, please wrap them in your loving arms and let them feel warm and safe there. Please help them to make their new family strong, and allow them to be forgiving of one another in this time of transition. Please help them to set all of the pain and hatred and self-doubt on the wind. And Lord, please bless the sister; although she may seem to have acted out of hate, we do not know her heart and she seems to be following the words of Matthew 19:14: Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Most of all, Lord, please let them know how special they both are, and that they have places waiting in the kingdom. In Jesus' name, Amen.
358
Although I have not walked in your shoes, I left the Baptist church over their intolerance of LGBTQI people. I know--I *know*--that the message of God is one of unwavering love, and you are truly walking in the footsteps of Christ with your acceptance and love of your nephew. I hope you don't mind if I pray for you, Sister VABG and Brother Nephew.

Lord, please share with these people how special they are. Please warm them with the light of your love, and the love of all of us, strangers in the world but family in spirit. When times get difficult for them, as they always do eventually, please wrap them in your loving arms and let them feel warm and safe there. Please help them to make their new family strong, and allow them to be forgiving of one another in this time of transition. Please help them to set all of the pain and hatred and self-doubt on the wind. And Lord, please bless the sister; although she may seem to have acted out of hate, we do not know her heart and she seems to be following the words of Matthew 19:14: Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Most of all, Lord, please let them know how special they both are, and that they have places waiting in the kingdom. In Jesus' name, Amen.
359
You are not alone, and you are loved.

Find someplace warm and safe for yourself in your own heart and those of others, and heal.
360
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!

You did everything right. You did it under horrible circumstances, but you did it RIGHT. (And, honestly? I think on some level your sister knows this--because she *called you* to come get your nephew. She could have thrown him out the way your parents did you, but she didn't. She called on you to "come get him." And as vile and hateful as that is, I think it shows an admission, if maybe subconscious, that you are strong and independent and dealing with stuff just fine.)

The people who are genetically related to you (I will not use the term "family" to describe them, except, of course, your nephew) are toxic people who will live unhappy lives and die bitter. That's not what you want for them, I know, but that's what they chose for themselves.

You can do this. Your nephew can do this. You're both so, so much better off without those whimpering bags of hate dragging you down.

It's already gotten better for both of you.
361
I can imagine how much you've been hurting lately, VABG, because I know what it's like to feel orphaned, even when there were still biological links. Those ten years of separation melted away during which you'd been hoping, wistfully, to be accepted. Instead you were reminded once again of the rejection. Children are admonished to honour their fathers and mothers, but there's no adjoining corollary for parents to honour their children. You were rejected for not being an unthinking slave to your family's (your elders') belief system.

I'm so glad that your friend wrote a comment here. Though your nephew is in therapy, I would suggest it would be good for you, too, to realize that you are not broken; instead, you have emerged from a painfully restrictive cocoon, transformed into a loving, compassionate, brilliantly-hued butterfly! It would be a very good thing for you to be able to forgive your family – not because they are the ones who deserve it, as they should be pitied for being so intellectually blind and deaf that they can only love and accept clones of themselves – but because you deserve to be free of the (child within you) need to be accepted by them. Who knows, they may come around but they may not. So it doesn't help to be constantly shackled to that desire.

I would also echo the suggestion that you and your nephew find a GSA. Right now, he has lots of non-straight support within your chosen family structure, but it would boost his self-esteem tremendously to realize that not all straight people are bigots and that there are people his own age who accept him unconditionally.

Finally, if you'd like to add someone else to your virtual family, just call me your Canadian aunt! Who's also so amazingly proud of (and tearful from) all of the loving and supportive SLOGgers above.
362
You go, girl! You are amazing. I can't imagine what you've been through, but am so grateful that you found the strength to escape and are showing your nephew that the world isn't only filled with darkness. You are not alone. Love from Detroit.
363
You are an inspiration and someone I admire with great respect. It is quite sad families such as yours result to such hatred and show such xenophobia. But for what you are doing it truly is an act of selfless kindness. It is too bad we cant see the works of our labor. In a century when gay marriage/rights has been accepted, what you have done will be looked at with great admiration. Your family sadly is on the wrong side of history. Too bad they wont be able to see their ignorant mistakes.
364
I wish you were my aunt. That boy is privileged to have you. <3<3<3
365
You are ... a hero.
You will help your nephew heal from the horror of being abandoned/rejected/cast out by his *own mother.* Not everyone gets the mother they deserve -- and it is truly a blessing that even in the shadow of that terrible horrible loss there is a caring adult to help him make a home/new life/better future.

Everything you have made for yourself is *not* nothing. It is great and powerful and healing. Somehow, deep in their hearts which are a few sizes to small (with apologies to Dr. Seuss and The Grinch) your original family respects you enough to know you'll make a home for the man-child (child! baby!!!!) they've cast out.

I do hope your intentional family is providing you lots of support in person. Reach out to them, see if you can find good counseling/therapy for both of you. PFLAG might be a good place to investigate -- meet families who have been willing/able to hold their children close -- which you and your nephew so rightly deserved.

I would definitely go to court to petition for guardianship. His parents are legally responsible for him financially, and they need to be held accountable, at least in that small way.

Much love from San Francisco (by way of NY....)
366
When family fails, the lucky ones have friends. The really lucky ones have a whole community. I think the number of comments says a lot. Of you ever need a shoulder, I think you just found hundreds to choose from.
367
Oh, VABG, I'm so sorry your family hurt you. Give yourself the space to grieve. Its like you lost them all over again. Some days you'll want a bit of judicious wallowing. Other days, dust off your hands and go do something distracting and fun (with the nephew too?). The ratio of good days and bad days will shift. It will.

and +1 on the get yourself a lawyer.
368
I'm about to become a foster parent in a rural, very conservative community. Some of the kids who end up in my care could very well be gay. You are an inspiration and a role model!

There is so much love for you and appreciation for what you are doing, who you are, and the grace, compassion and strength you will pass along to your nephew. Stay strong, sister - we've got your back!
369
VABG, just think: You now have some of your blood family back. You and your nephew are connected so deeply, having been wronged in the worst possible way by the rest of your kin. You have each other. You both have the small family you've built for yourself over the years. Don't let the hate enter your hearts--just love yourselves, love each other, and let go of the ones who've tried to infect you with their sickness. I don't pretend this is easy, but I feel it might be less difficult now that you and your nephew are together and understand each other's hurt. He will need so much healing. You have already been on that path for ten years and can light the way for him, as he, in turn, can bring light to you.
370
@105 said: "I just erected a statue of you in my soul."

That is exactly how I've been feeling as I've read through this post and all its following comments (only 1 trollish--wow!).

And you know what, I am thankful for the intertubes today because without them I would never have known such a person as you existed, would not have taken courage from your courage, strength from your strength, or hope from the hope you gave to your nephew.

I am so glad that you are in the world, bringing more light to it. I am so glad to know that a boy somewhere was saved from darkness and now has a clearer path to live in light. It brings a little more light to all of us.

So you may have just "needed to vent" but you've given a gift to everybody who's read your story. I have my own story of trauma and hurt (like most of us) that doesn't bear any surface resemblance at all to yours. Yet on some level, wounds are wounds. And your love, strength, and bravery have helped me heal a bit just through the generosity of your sharing it.

A friend once made a comment to me about family patterns never changing until at least one person was willing to make the sacrifice to change it. I'd never thought of the work I was doing as a "sacrifice" - it didn't seem like a choice, it felt like something I was compelled to do. But it was an interesting perspective to me. It seems so clear in your story. While it may have felt like you couldn't do otherwise, you could have rejected the sacrifice of coming out and maintained relationships with your family and not opened up that "crack" in your family structure that others have mentioned. You could have just hunkered down, not rocked the boat and lived your life in the dark. A lot of people do. But you chose the better part, even though it was painful.

Already change in your family patterns has come about - without you even being on the ground. Your nephew came out and he had a place to land because of you. Even your sister has benefitted from your sacrifice, whether she consciously admits that to herself or not. Why else would she send the boy to you? Don't be surprised as time goes on when things open up even more, whether fast or slow, short or long term.

You have done something with your life that will bear fruit over GENERATIONS. It sucks right now, but when you can, take the long view. In the longest view possible, you will have an effect far, far into the future, long after you, your nephew, and your whole benighted clan have passed from this world. Really. I don't think it's too much to say that people who are yet unborn will have much better lives because of you. Because you made the sacrifice and wrenched your family's flow even just a little bit out of its course.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad I know it.
371
@VAGB: "I don't understand why this is affecting me so much. I already knew all of this. I've known it for a long time. But to see it on their faces was something new."

While you've known it and processed it, you are having to experience it all over again. You are being forced to watch up close and have to re-experience the trauma, through your nephew's pain. Now you are seeing it with the wisdom and strength of your years so the rational part of your mind can see clearly how foolish they are and how unnecessary it all is, and yet the emotional part is going to hurt all the stronger, we love our parents even if they are evil and to be hurt by ones you love is a double suffering.

Perhaps you feel broken because, as you said, you "held out hope that they would change their minds" -- your hope was a good one, not foolish, shame on your family for not having lived up to your hope. Your hope shows you are a better person by far than they. Your hope is quite reasonable that they might eventually have learned something by your courageous life, or at least learned from the changing world around us all, which you have helped bring about.

I have not experienced your situation and have no religion so I cannot pray for you, but your letter and your journey to rise above the poison of your family of origin and to be there for your nephew is an inspiration of the goodness that religion supposedly is about. I hope you find strength anew in your nephew's growth and that you do not abandon hope that if not your family and his, then perhaps others will in time change.

PS Having worked in custody situations professionally, I would urge you to consult a lawyer with expertise in both your state and the state in which your nephew's parents live (if they are divorced, state(s) of both biological parents), so that a formal transfer of custody can be arranged. For now your sister wants nothing to do with her son and may agree to this easily, but after she calms down she may decide to send him off to an ex-gay camp and legally be able to do so unless you've formalized other arrangements. In some states at 16 he can become emancipated -- but this is a complex technical process requiring legal expertise in the field and he has several years left before he is 18 and legally entirely beyond their control. If you and she/they live in different states, this may require consulting attorneys in both locations, as there is no 100% assurance as to which state would have jurisdiction if she did fight.
372
@VABG Since my previous comment was so long you might not click on the More... and might not get to the most important bit, the PS where I suggest it's extremely important that you consult an attorney and attempt to secure custodial rights, not fighting your sister but in a way that gets her to agree to give up what she doesn't want while she doesn't want it -- so you can protect your nephew from being forced to go to ex-gay camps if sister changes her mind. Avoid attorneys who want to fight, try to find one who wants to do this amicably.
373
VABG, I just wanted to send you my love. Thank you for being there for your nephew. Thank you for being you. You are an amazing person. It's too bad that your family of origin has been blinded by their ignorance and hate, because they've lost out on not just one, but two wonderful people who have so much to offer this world. Keep your chin up, and know that you have so many people rooting for you.
374
It is miraculous you made it out, now you've provided a loving environment for a young man. A young man that you only share blood with, nothing else. You faced your hateful family to accept him into your life.

You grab onto that boy's hand, hold on tight, and keep on moving forward honey. You will be fine. Your family will have a lifetime of holidays, vacations, laughter, and love to share. It has just begun. With time will come normality and your family will feel like any other. You'll squabble over dishes, go school shopping, cry over bastards who don't deserve your tears, and take his picture before prom. It gets better. It already has gotten better because you are not alone and will never be alone again. You have a son! Mazel! It's a boy!

The world is better place because you're here. Thank you. A thousand times, thank you.
375
@243 I would like to be your sister. Where do I apply?
376
VABG - I know how hard it is to let go of the fantasy of eventual acceptance. It's been two years since I realized that I would never be "good enough." There was no concrete reason you could point to and it took decades of rejection for me to get there. It still hurts, but it is getting less sharp. Recognize that you have suffered a loss that can in some ways be more painful than a death. Allow yourself to mourn.
377
Dear VABG,

You wrote, "But I feel like I'm broken. I feel like everything I have made for myself over the last 10 years is nothing." I know this feeling, and your birth family has been just awful to you.

But please let me point out that you also wrote, "I will help him learn to love himself for who he is if it is the last thing I do in this world."

What you have made for yourself is not nothing -- it's the polar opposite. You are compassionate, courageous and willing to take action. It's not nothing -- it's everything.

You are a success as a human being. Seriously. Please hear me, and Dan, and the hundreds of commenters. And please try to be gentle with yourself. You're a good person. :)

378
@everyone So much love! Good show.

@307 very glad to hear that.

I can only add my love and support. to all that's been said.
379
VABG, you are a treasure. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through--I'm the only child of a single mom who is a reasonable human being--but the grief and sense of loss you've re-opened as a result of this awful ordeal is painful and understandable. I echo the above comments about counseling for you and your nephew (separately and together) as well as taking some legal action--guardianship, wills, child support, etc. However, and obviously YOU are the one who wrote the letter, not your nephew, but there are things to consider with him as well. For example, I'm not sure pushing adoption quite yet is a good idea; he is still reeling, I'm sure, and, just like most kids of abusive parents, loves them and wants them despite all evidence we adults might have to the contrary. I'm not sure you specified how far apart you live from your eldest sister, but schooling issues are relevant here. If he had to change enrollment, you need to have an in person (and then also in writing) conversation with guidance counselors, teachers, principal, and any other support your school district offers. In this technological age, he is hopefully keeping in touch with friends, maybe even less-vile cousins, etc. encourage that--let them come visit and whatever. While your wounds are re-opened, his are new and fresh and he's at risk for lots of self-destructive behavior. I'm sure you will, but love him through it. We're all thinking of you.
an Aunt in Ohio (by way of PA and NY)
380
VABG, you are strong, girl, not broken. Not by a long shot. Thank you for being there in support and love for a nephew you probably hadn't seen since he was a toddler.
381
I was actually surprised by the way the family handled this. It was pretty horrible, yes, but not as horrible as it could've been. They didn't shove their kid into some sort of "conversion therapy", or just toss him out on the street. One might go so far as to say that they recognized that the loving aunt represented a different culture that their child could join. Obviously, people whose love isn't so twisted would want them to embrace their own child within their own culture, but I guess this was the best they could manage. I hope VABG has the resources she'll need to finish raising her nephew.
382
Oh honey, your letter is so moving. I'm so glad I got to read it, and all the comments too. I must admit I cried as well. I think it is completely amazing that you managed to get yourself away from this environment at a young age and that you did it all alone, that takes serious guts. I cannot understand that kind of hate either and I can only guess at how you must feel when you got confronted with the proof that they are still living with this kind of hate. I easily understand that you are heart-broken. I hope that you won't feel broken for long - that the goodness in your life and all the wonderful people in it will provide healing.

I am completely amazed that you went and rescued your nephew. It sounds like you didn't hesitate and just went and did what is right. I cannot even begin to tell you how impressed I am that you are able to do something so wonderful. I am just awestruck. You are wonderful.

What was up with a large part of your family being there when you collected him? I am very dismayed at that. Did they want to make sure that you would both go, want to emphasise the strength of their religious doctrine, or perhaps make sure that your nephew's parents wouldn't change their mind? It sounds very alarming and claustrophobic to me. It sounds as if they banded together to enforce and reinforce their cult-like behaviour. I can understand why you are so shocked and feeling broken when I try and imagine what this situation must have been like. I am so sorry that all this happened to you and your nephew. I don't know if you can forgive your relatives but I think you are someone who is capable of love and have such integrity, and all that seems to be in very short supply back there. Thank goodness your nephew is out of there.

But he must be heart-broken to be abandoned by his parents, his family. I was trying to think of words to support him and I am finding that very difficult. I don't know the circumstances of his coming out to them, whether he told them or was outed. This must all be so awful for him (and for you, the re-opened wounds, I am so sorry) but I am glad he is with you.

I'm sure you've already done so but if it got lost in everything that needed doing: would you please have a sit-down conversation with him to reassure him that you didn't take him in because you got lumbered with him, because your sister told you to, nor because you couldn't say no. Please make sure he knows that you are taking him in because you made an active decision (if you feel this way), that this is your active choice, that you want him to live with you, that you're glad he's there and that you love him (and that you'll fiercely protect him, if this is how you feel). I'm sure you already said words like this to him but it never hurts to say them again. Please also assure him that he is not to blame for how his family acted. He is also not to blame for being gay. We all know this but he may not realise it and it never hurts to say the obvious, just in case it wasn't obvious.

I am so glad your nephew is with you instead of in this toxic, hateful misery back there. I'm glad you both got free. You will be able to show him that his life opens up now, he gets to grow into himself and who he is meant to be. You also show him that he can have a life where he gets to chose who he shares it with (by your example) and that he gets to chose his future family (including the one he has in you and you in him). I think things are looking up.

Do please give him a hug from me! And please accept a warm hug from me yourself. My very best wishes.

PS: I would love it if you were to write to Dan again in a couple months or so to let us know how you are all getting on. An update would be so brilliant. In fact I think that your letter provides the 'it's gets better' proof to everyone who read it and everyone who commented. I think we are in your debt.
I don't suppose you would want to vent some more? I think it would be absolutely terrific if you wanted to start a blog about all this (anonymous for your and your nephew's privacy of course) - personal stories are so powerful. I think there are loads of people out there who would benefit from reading more about your story - both those who are like your birth family and those who suffer from them; oh and actually everyone else too! I for one would love to hear more. Sorry for being greedy.
383
I will never understand how it is that people can't love their own children enough to question their beliefs.

Who knows? Maybe if you'd said, once upon a time, "Mom, Dad, I'm struggling with same-sex attraction and I need you to help me get right with God," things would have been fine. In fact, I'm guessing they probably would have. Because that would have sent the message that you were willing to do whatever you had to do to remain a loyal subject of the religion. That you were willing to lop off your legs to fit in that box, just like everyone else in your family has to do, each in their own way.

See, I don't think it's *being* gay that really causes the hate and the anger to happen; it's being OUT. It's defying the oppression and saying, "I have a right to my truth and my happiness." You are doing what none of them feel they can do, but all desperately WANT and NEED to do in some deep, secret place they're too scared to acknowledge. They're angry at you for tasting the freedom they don't know how to find, for shedding the shame and control they all still live with.

I know it hurts. I know it feels like there's something wrong with you, but really, there's something RIGHT with you, something so right and wonderful that they can't bear to look at it and see what they all know they have no means of attaining for themselves.
384
I'm so sorry your family is acting so reprehensibly. It is not your fault. Their hate is not your responsibility nor should it be your burden. Please don't carry that for them. They are unworthy and will answer for it to the Christ they claim to love. You are magnificent! You are glorious. You are the true child of God and may he heap blessings upon you. Your nephew is so lucky to have you and I'm glad your sister felt enough of a mother's love to call on you, even if she can't admit it and they had to show extra hate to deal with their guilt.

That said, you are a super awesome rainbow pixie of light so let's get some practical advice rolling. See if you can get your sister and her husband to sign a legal doc granting you sole custody of their child while they are still in the middle of stroking themselves for doing "right". Be both quick and sneaky about it. Tell her the truth-ish: that you need the doc to be able to take him to a doctor and to put him in school. You need it for that, and to prevent him being ripped away and "fixed". Get on the lesbian wire and find a good lawyer who will do a pro bono paperwork and do it quick. You might not think regret will set in but it will and might cause them to act worse. Once you have that and actually before you can apply for aid, add him to benefits, travel with him legally, etc. And maybe even get child support but don't tell them that. Kids are expensive. :). So are psych apts. By the way happy belated Mother's Day and welcome to the wonderful and difficult world of motherhood. Wish that all with the spirit and ability to do so could take a child under wing. God bless you.
385
thanks @307 for letting us know they're all ok!
386
Please tap into those public agencies and support groups that exist near you to help with your situation. There are so many stresses ahead of you. Don't bear the burden alone. You are very strong, and it shows through the weight you are able to carry, but share that load with others. They are there to help.
387
I have a similar, though not quite as awful, family story. In my case, though, my sister did not join my parents in their rejection, though she did ask me to maintain distance as she raised her children, since my father threatened not just me, but anyone who maintained contact with me. My mother, I believe, long ago softened in her attitude, but my father remains (30 years later) just has hardened of heart as ever. But here's the good news: rather than isolating me as he wished, in the long run, my father isolated himself and my mother. I have wonderful relationships now with my sister and ALL of my nieces and nephews and ALL of their spouses. I can't say whether that could be your family's story, too, but I can say this: If you ever asked God, "Why me? Why am I a lesbian?" now you know. God needed you to be there for you dear nephew when nobody else would or could. You'll know what I mean when I say that this will be a star in your crown. Peace, my dear sister...
388
VABG, I am overjoyed at what you have just done! Think about it for a moment...You have just likely saved this boy from a LIFETIME of suffering. I imagine a life where he would have grown up hating himself and his sexuality. Maybe he wouldn't have lived to see 21, because he took his life due to the immense depression he experienced over his lack of self-worth. Perhaps he would grown up, married someone of the opposite sex, had kids, all while suppressing his true nature. He may have had years of closeted, unsafe, anonymous sexual encounters, putting himself and his wife at risk. He may have lived an entire life this way, destroyed as a soul. But now, you have changed the trajectory of his life! He can grow up eventually learning that he is perfect just the way he is! He can discover who he really is, develop a support system of friends and family like you. He can even get MARRIED to someone that he is attracted to and loves deeply! AND he can still raise a family of his own, if he chooses. This is all because of you. NO amount of evil or hate from your biological family will ever overcome the good you just put into this boy's life, and consequently, the world. Congratulations to you and your family. Well done my sister!
389
Sorry! Missed 307's comment! I'm soooo glad everything's being taken care of and that you'll be okay. Bless you again for what you have done and continue to do!
390
@RichinPA - true words.

I have nothing unique or new to add, just sending you much love. My dearest Uncle faced much disapproval from our family and even left the Franciscan Brotherhood because of his sexual orientation. He is the absolute best, goodest ( i know that's not a word), most loving person I know. I wish to God I could be like him. Out of a family of 8 kids and dozens of grandkids, he is the example of how a person should be and how they should live their life. You sound like the same kind of person and I would be proud to call you my sister/aunt/daughter. Trade in and trade up - lose the family you were born to and embrace the one you have created. Your nephew is blessed to have you.
391
In the eyes of your cousin, you are the most awesomest person in the whole world right about now. You took him in from that batch of raging haters and you're showing him that there's people out there just like him, who accept him for who he is.
392
You are a ray of sunshine, a beautiful hope given to this young boy. It may not ever get better with your family. They have been poisoned by their religion, forgetting what it is that Jesus truly taught (I personally am atheist, but hey, there are good lessons to be taken from most religions, if you ignore the bad parts).

What you have though, is surrounded by those who really DO love you - your REAL family, the one you have built. We cannot choose our biological family. But we can choose to be around those who love us for who we are.

God will bless you, if you believe in him/her, and if not - we all will hold YOU up as a shining example of GOOD in this world. You are wonderful. Without people like you, the world would indeed be a dark place.
393
VABG: Please believe you are showing more love and kindness to your cousin than birth family ever displayed to you. By helping your cousin, and hopefully incorporating him into your real family, the family you have made for yourself, you have shown what real love is, the true love that humans can display to each other. Its so hard to hear what your birth family has done to you, excruciatingly hard, but it sounds to me that they have given you no choice but divorce yourself from them, which, as an adult, you can do, you get to make that decision. We are rooting for you. Keep up the good work.
394
The world needs people like you in it. Your family don't know what they're missing by kicking you out, and they clearly don't deserve to have you in their lives. You are amazing.
395
What a wonderful and loving aunt you are. Your nephew needed a soft and secure place to fall, and you gave him both and more. The love and compassion you have shown him will help him get through the trauma he experienced at the hands of his family. Stay strong, rely on your new family for help and support, and hopefully in time your nephew will learn to trust again. Most importantly he is now around people who understand him, accept
him, and will love him without the condition that he change who he is. Also, just because your sister kicked him out of her home this does not absolve her of responsibility in supporting her minor child. Sue her for guardianship and child support. You have my admiration and support for this most loving act.
396
Those people are sick in the head... Your nephew is soooo lucky to have you. Thank God you are there for him! Just imagine you may have saved his very life... Time will make you feel a little better slowly and though you will have a scar, it will hurt less than it does right now. I think we all wish we could hug you and pat you on the back while you cry...
397
I know that you are saying that money is not an issue but sometimes money is what the rest of us have to offer to our new baby brother. Please allow us to help you in that way. Let us help him. Let us give him the concrete gift of a good start.
If someone would set this up, I think many of us would like to donate to his college fund. Or his "go to Europe and meet cute boys" fund.

Jackie
398
VABG-

I have nothing further to add to all this, but I just wanted to say that you are really truly an incredible person. You are filled with such strength, and your nephew is a lucky boy to have you. Best wishes to the both of you, and I hope things only get better from here on out.

-Will in PA
399
Dear woman! You are my hero.

But you don't have to be a perfect, indestructible hero. You're still allowed to have your human frailty. You WILL have to buck up for your nephew's sake if not for your own, but you don't have to do it alone. Lean on your friends, lean on 'em hard, and take comfort in your nephew, who must surely love you and be grateful for the monumental love you've shown him. As the only other out gay person from your large family (although I'd bet there are a couple more closeted still), he may be the person who can best comprehend your pain. So even though you do have to be the adult, maybe it will help to remember you're actually less alone now than you've ever been, now that you have him.

After seeing the strength, compassion, rationality, and humanity in your letter, I just know you and your nephew are going to be fine. The fresh pain of your old family's contempt will fade again, and you'll be even better than ever, because your new family is richer for your nephew's presence.
400
Their loss.
401
I think all the helpful suggestions (therapy, PFLAG, a family law professional) have been given. But I wanted to send you my love and admiration. I was abandoned by my parents when I was 15 and it would have made a world of difference to have an aunt like you.

You say you have a chosen family, and that is the most important thing I learned. Teach your nephew, as I'm sure you will, that a family of choice can be worth more than a family of blood. He can create a positive, supportive network.

Ask for what you need. Money, family, help with a teenager, whatever. You are a hero and an inspiration, but you were carrying an already-heavy load that just got a lot heavier. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE BROKEN. Don't let anybody tell you differently.

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