Comments

502
VABG, one more plus mark on the tally sheet of your life: your example has meant a lot to the hundreds of people commenting on this post, me included. Thanks. Consider doing us a favor? Would you drop Dan Savage an email every once in a while, letting us know how things are going? I'm sure he would pass your news along to us.
503
@397 or her "go to Hawaii and get a short break" fund.
504
I'm a Christian and your family's behavior is beyond appalling. They give the rest of us a bad name. Please don't judge all Christians by their behavior. I would love and accept you, no matter what. Sad for you.
505
You are awesome. You are strong. You are beautiful. And you are saving your nephew. If he doesn't now, he will love himself after being with you, I can tell already. Just the fact that you are doing this shows me that he will. And when he can love himself, he will be able to love other people. The more people can love themselves for who they are, the more they can love other people too. The world is better for having you in it, and the world is better for having your nephew in it. You will come through this. Don't try to do it alone because you don't have to. Lean on people, and let them help you. You help people when they need it, and others help you when you need it. You can do this. Love will conquer. You did an amazing thing by coming out and keeping your life going, and now you are doing another amazing thing for your nephew. Don't ever forget how wonderful you are. Don't ever forget what a HUGE impact I am sure you have already made on your nephew, and what a huge impact you will continue to have.
506
I am so very sorry that your family is so blinded by their religion's prejudices that they cannot remember the tenets of their faith that preach compassion. I am sorry that they forget that Jesus made a point of inviting sinners and outcasts to his drinking parties. I am sorry that they have forgotten that Jesus said they were allowed to think for themselves, and that it was more important to be good to each other than it was to follow the rules of their religion.

If anyone is a good Christian, you are. You have reached out to people who were not born to your family, and made a loving, supporting family of them. You have reached out to your blood family, and provided support, without question. You worry about yourself only in terms that you need to be in good shape so that you can help other people.

Really? That makes you pretty fucking awesome.
507
If you save one person, you save the world!
508
Dear VABG,

Don't worry about what your family thinks, they're just crazy in a way that time will not likely heal. Be who you are, love the people you're with, and be strong for yourself and your nephew. He may be able to help you as much as you can help him. You are blessed to have found each other! You can thank your looney family for that ;)
509

Dear One: My name is Tru Luv Flo and you can call me day or night at 217 607 3958. I am an old bisexual hippie. How Excellent that even your spiritually inferior family recognizes your superior loving ethical devotion enough such that they are willing to entrust a 15 year old to your care. Lesbians have been so good to me, so kind over the years, I hope that you will form your own family of loving and beloved people around you. Yes, you can call collect. I beg thee, I truly beg thee, do not let the evil of others interfere with your ability to love yourself. Live healthy, live well, take joy in your life. As a bisexual and multiracial man I have experienced much evil and hatred, (and much physical violence). Yet I am a happy man, living a somewhat boring but happy life, and there is much joy in my life. I recommend yoga/martial arts/evolution/financial circumspection and Fun. I recommend Good Loving Friends. Holler if you ever want to talk. I'v made all the stupid mistakes anyone can make, so I can tellyou all about what not to do...:)
510
There are so many of us out there like you. We all love you. We all are ready to step in and fill the place your family has abandoned. We need you, too. Just reach out and we'll be there to step in. It's normal what you are feeling. You go home, you feel like a child again, with all those vulnerabilities. But that's not you. You have a new family that loves you. You've saved your nephew in too many ways to count.

If there is a God, you have her face. Know that you are loved. Know that there are people here out in the world who are grateful for what you have done and for who you are. You feel broken now. But you will heal. And we love you.

Just know that you've got some bitchin' solidarity!
511
If there is a god, it’s lost on your biologicals. They missed this: the god they thought they knew reached down and plucked a fortunate 15 year old from their environment of hate and shame and dropped him down into a loving family with a powerful aunt at its helm.

As you take care of yourself, you’ll take care of him. Your nephew is lucky to have you and you are fortunate to have the resources of your chosens. I bet if they were describing your situation in a letter Dan Savage, they would end it with, “How can we help her?” Tell them. You’re there for your nephew; your chosen family is there for you.

Find a gay-friendly family counselor if you are inclined. Take your nephew. It may be good for you or him or both of you. And do all that legal stuff others have mentioned. Right. Now. Get all the legal ducks in a row before the crazies ask for him back.

You have my greatest admiration.
512
If there is a God, s/he is ashamed of your family of origin for their hateful betrayal. They've failed the test... *you*, on the other hand, have passed with flying colors. I'm sure that God is just as proud of you as the rest of us are. Thank God for you.

Your nephew is surely going to need time to heal from your sister's betrayal, and it's up to you to show him how lucky he was to escape from their evil Pentacostal clutches. Show him that coming out was the best decision he has ever made, and how much life has to offer now that he can be true to himself.

Thank God for you.
513
Thank you, VABG! Knowing that there are people like you in the world makes me feel grateful.

I want to repeat some of the things others have said, because they are important: You need the help of a good, LGBT-friendly lawyer, and your nephew (and probably you as well) need(s) a counselor (obv. LGBT-friendly). And, yes, no matter how hateful and twisted it is and no matter what she said, when your sister called you she did so out of love for her son and respect for you. You may need to remind both him and yourself of that on a regular basis.

And I'd like to suggest two things: 1. Your nephew is used to having a big family - he'll need a new one. Introduce him to your friends; give him some adoptive aunts and uncles. And help him find an LGBT youth group, if at all possible where you live. 2. In addition to helping and supporting him, you need to let him help and support you. Let him know that he is needed, that he is important to you, not just a burden. A 15-year-old is half child/half adult. If he's been raised in an extremely strict family, as seems likely, he may go a bit wild now that he's out of that environment; he'll need both rules to follow (for the child in him) and responsibilities & expectations (for the adult part).
514
Your family doesn't hate you. Your family doesn't even know you.

We can live without family. We can live through family and rise above family. We can rebuild family out of people who are worthy. Maybe some of them will see the light one day, but whether or not that happens you, and now your nephew, will live a full life of joy, compassion and acceptance.

515
Holy shit. You should be *GLAD* that you're away from these fucking shitheads who think that small details like which genitalia you prefer to play with actually matters this goddamn much. I understand it can be very hard to realize that the people you thought loved you don't, but it sounds like you've managed to create a much better family, and hey, now you get to introduce a new gay into it.

Seriously, you are fucking amazing for taking in your gay nephew, and it sounds like you're serious about taking care of him in lieu of your fucked-up, shit-head of a sister (who, to be fair, did at least call you instead of just chucking him into the goddamn street, but that's literally the only positive thing I can think to say about her), which is just fucking awesome. And maybe you'll start to heal a bit when you manage to provide your nephew with the kind of loving, accepting family that your biological family couldn't provide either of you with and you'll be able to bond with someone who is related to you through blood as well.

My advice is to devote yourself right now to helping your nephew overcome the trauma of being kicked out of his own family. I think by focusing on helping *him* heal, you'll end up healing yourself too. And maybe talk to him about it too -- I'm sure he's feeling a lot of the same things. Also, surround yourself with the kickass family you've made.

Hang in there. It'll get better, and you might just have saved a young gay's life. Seriously, GO YOU! Not everyone would be that. fucking. awesome. I just... have no words for how awesome you are for doing this and for creating your own identity and family and just if you were near me I'd hug you and I'm overflowing with emotion so I'll shut up.
516
Holy shit. You should be *GLAD* that you're away from these fucking shitheads who think that small details like which genitalia you prefer to play with actually matters this goddamn much. I understand it can be very hard to realize that the people you thought loved you don't, but it sounds like you've managed to create a much better family, and hey, now you get to introduce a new gay into it.

Seriously, you are fucking amazing for taking in your gay nephew, and it sounds like you're serious about taking care of him in lieu of your fucked-up, shit-head of a sister (who, to be fair, did at least call you instead of just chucking him into the goddamn street, but that's literally the only positive thing I can think to say about her), which is just fucking awesome. And maybe you'll start to heal a bit when you manage to provide your nephew with the kind of loving, accepting family that your biological family couldn't provide either of you with and you'll be able to bond with someone who is related to you through blood as well.

My advice is to devote yourself right now to helping your nephew overcome the trauma of being kicked out of his own family. I think by focusing on helping *him* heal, you'll end up healing yourself too. And maybe talk to him about it too -- I'm sure he's feeling a lot of the same things. Also, surround yourself with the kickass family you've made.

Hang in there. It'll get better, and you might just have saved a young gay's life. Seriously, GO YOU! Not everyone would be that. fucking. awesome. I just... have no words for how awesome you are for doing this and for creating your own identity and family and just if you were near me I'd hug you and I'm overflowing with emotion so I'll shut up.
517
Let us give him some $. Please. Ask for help with anything and everything. And come to Seattle when you two are up for a road trip. We'll all throw you guys a love party. You can stay at my house.
518
מי שהציל נפש אחת - כאילו הציל עולם ומלואו
"And whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world."

For the record, neither Jewish, religious, or gay. I'm just thankful there are people like you in the world, VABG.

519
You are doing all that is good and right by this kid. That his family would do that is appalling.

While fiscally troubling, I'm sorry that you can't rescue all of the kids from a family with that much hate and intolerance. But, you do get to save one.
520
Driving along Highway 421 here in NC, my husband and I were both in tears as I read aloud this column to him. Religion ran us away years ago and we have both stopped being afraid to stand up to religious folks. For years we tippy-toed around others' beliefs until we realized they had no respect for ours. We send you the love from the universe; we wish you happiness and health; we know that beyond religion there is a core in you that manifests strength and in our secular humanist hearts we know that you have done the right thing: put on your own oxygen mask thus saving yourself first and making you ready to assist others. I understand despair: I have suffered its sting when relationships have fallen apart and I felt that I could not go on. But, I did, and you can, too. There is much more out there in life beyond despair. I am with Dan, fuck 'em. FUCK the people that won't let you or your nephew be yourselves. I am very sorry that it is your family; however, know that is THEM and the hate cult they believe in that is terribly, terribly wrong. Not you. In any case, I said the other day, these people would have fried Jesus. A peace-loving dude that loved other dudes, hung out with prostitutes and thieves, tossed out the moneylenders, wandered around, and said to love thy neighbor as thyself. He sounded like a lot of fun to me, even I don't "believe" in him, whatever believing in him means, but maybe you can find your way to that Jesus, and maybe he will be your bridge to more comfort. Again, you are very much in our thoughts.
521
I just have to add to all the rest of the comments, you are my hero!
522
Your a beautiful person and your nephew is very lucky to have you Keep doing what your doing I like your family also believe in God but I also believe that God makes each and every one of us exactly the way were are and loves each and everyone of his children. God didn't make any mistakes you and your nephew are exactly who you were always ment to be and unfortunately your family doesn't see it that way which is their lose because they miss out on having you and your nephew in their lives So hold your real family close the family you created yourself and be secure in knowing that those are the people who love you no matter what which is what a real family is.
523
You are so amazing for being there for your nephew. Things will get better for you, and you will be there to help things get better for your nephew.
524
First time, long time. Your integrity is a shining example for all of us in general and for your nephew in particular.
525
I'm late. But as a person who believes in God like I believe in the sun rising... I cannot believe, there is nothing within me that is capable of fathoming this as being somehow right. Not even for the lowest person among us--especially not for the lowest person among us. (And for the record, as I believe in God I believe that the very notion that love itself could be somehow morally wrong is not merely theologically suspect, but accursed before Heaven.) We were created for love, not for this. Not for throwing away our own children as if they were "filth". To those who would disagree, I would point the words of the Greatest Commandments written in 22:37-40, and the words of John 13:34-35:

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love to one another."

And as for those who preach that love itself is wrong, and that there can ever be something right about casting your children from your house--your children whom God created--I would point to the words of Matthew 7:15-19:

"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire." (Matthew 7:15-16)

To the original letter writer: If we are to know those who do the work of the Lord by their fruits, you do the work of the Lord--and thank God you are, for your nephew's sake. Just... thank you. Your letter made me cry, and words are failing me right now, but thank you.
526
Your family is afraid - afraid of what they don't understand because they are not enlightened enough to know that unconditional love is just that - unconditional. They are living in fear. You, on the other hand, are living in love, in freedom, and in the knowledge that you are a good and loving person just as you are. Don't be angry at your family; instead, feel sorry for them because they live every day of their lives in fear. It is a very sad place to be and thank God you are not there. And Dan is right - thank God you have the courage to live your truth because if you didn't, your nephew would be alone now without his amazing aunt to help guide him to live a truthful and awesome life. Don't let your feelings towards your family control you - you can't change anyone but yourself; you deserve more than that. Instead, turn that energy away from your family and towards something good like volunteering at an LGBT youth centre or just fully on your nephew - whatever takes the focus off your family.
527
Your family is afraid - afraid of what they don't understand because they are not enlightened enough to know that unconditional love is just that - unconditional. They are living in fear. You, on the other hand, are living in love, in freedom, and in the knowledge that you are a good and loving person just as you are.

Don't be angry at your family; instead, feel sorry for them because they live every day of their lives in fear. It is a very sad place to be and thank God you are not there. And Dan is right - thank God you have the courage to live your truth because if you didn't, your nephew would be alone now without his amazing aunt to help guide him to live a truthful and awesome life. Don't let your feelings towards your family control you - you can't change anyone but yourself; you deserve more than that. Instead, turn that energy away from your family and towards something good like volunteering at an LGBT youth centre or just fully on your nephew - whatever takes the focus off your family.
528
First of all: God bless you! What you have done is amazing, accepting someone from the fold that rejected you and taking him in to raise as your own. Parenting, especially adoptive parenting, is sacred work.

I have a very unorthodox belief that people either choose or are assigned, via providence, to their biological families before they are born. There can be any number of reasons for this: you have chosen your parents in order to learn from them, you have been assigned to them as reward or punishment for deeds done in a previous life, these particular circumstances will lead you to an event or place important for your spirit's development. Maybe you chose your family because your soul needed to learn the depth of its own strength and compassion. Maybe you were given to this family due to bad karma. And maybe your nephew was born in this family specifically so he could have you to protect him. I don't have the answers, but maybe believing that there was SOME reason why you have lived through these circumstances will be of comfort to you.
529
I wish you and your nephew only the best things in life - love, joy, curiosity, humour (I'm Canadian - excuse the spelling) and family - not necessarily the family you were born with, but the family you have as an adult. I don't have the worries you have and my rift with my family isn't born of such vile hatred but I have left them behind and I have made my own family with people who love me and respect me far more than any of my formal family ever did or ever will. Yes, sometimes I get sad about them and wonder why, but mostly I thank God (for lack of a better word) for my new family and the life I've built with them. Good luck to both of you. Maggie
530
I was wanting to write tonight to encourage you, send you hugs and love... and then when I sat down to the computer to send in my note, I found out that a friend's teenage son was just killed in an accident. So as much as I was moved before.... well, it's much stronger now. That you can offer a haven to this child is wonderful beyond measure.

I hope he can read all these letters of love and support, that you both get strength from it, that it sees you through this broken feeling.

And this: my happiness in sharing a world with you - hearing your determination to help your nephew, seeing the outpouring of support here - far outweighs my dismay at sharing a world with the haters.

Blessings and good wishes to you both in this journey.
531
It's probably been already said, but I'm going to add my voice anyway. Simply because you are a sublime example of kindness and compassion. And strength. I commend you for being true to yourself despite how much it hurt to be rejected ten years ago. And I commend you for being willing to take your sister's phone call. You are by far the better person. Your nephew is so lucky to have you. Don't underestimate the value of being open and honest about your feelings with your nephew. I'm guessing he's feeling a lot of the same feelings as you felt ten years ago and that you're feeling all over again now. (And no, you're not broken for being hurt by this insane hateful bigotry.)

Please do get legal advice and do all the paperwork as tedious as it may be. I believe others have indicated you should do it to protect yourself. I would like to add that you should do it because in the event of a medical emergency you want to be able to make decisions for your nephew. The same goes for his education.

I wish you all the best. (And I hope you are able to see how truly beautiful you are.)
532
As a fellow former Pentacostal gay exile, I can tell you with some authority that your help will be invaluable to him and will change both your life and his for the better. How do I know? I was the "filth" that a conservative family tossed aside. Of course, that was after I was taken to a preacher to exorcise my demons out, then sent to therapists who specialized in Degaying, and many more horrible things. I wound up homeless and hungry staring a life of prostitution, and God knows what else, dead in the face. But then something wonderful happened. Someone like you came along and changed my life for the better. I not only graduated high school, but then college, and finally a master's degree. I now am a teacher who works with youth in an impoverished area. I have since helped to found two different GSAs and am helping to change lives for the better every day. I don't talk to my biological family either, but now I have people in my life who love me for I am rather than who I should be, all because of someone like you.
Change is never easy, as you already know. But it is always worth it.
533
A quote attributed to Lao Tzu says, “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” The love between you and your nephew (and amongst all the members of your found family -- your *real* family) will go along way towards healing the damage done by your unworthy biological family, and will let you both find the strength and courage you need. I'm sure of it.
534
As a fellow former Pentacostal gay exile, I can tell you with some authority that your help will be invaluable to him and will change both your life and his for the better. How do I know? I was the "filth" that a conservative family tossed aside. Of course, that was after I was taken to a preacher to exorcise my demons out, then sent to therapists who specialized in Degaying, and many more horrible things. I wound up homeless and hungry staring a life of prostitution, and God knows what else, dead in the face. But then something wonderful happened. Someone like you came along and changed my life for the better. I not only graduated high school, but then college, and finally a master's degree. I now am a teacher who works with youth in an impoverished area. I have since helped to found two different GSAs and am helping to change lives for the better every day. I don't talk to my biological family either, but now I have people in my life who love me for I am rather than who I should be, all because of someone like you.
Change is never easy, as you already know. But it is always worth it.
535
I wish I had someone like you in my life when I was growing up. As hard as it must have been for you to leave your family at such a young age, you are saving the life of this boy. Literally. You are giving him not only a home, but love and a community within which to prosper. You are clearly an amazing person. Good for you. And, also, screw your family. Sometimes the families we choose are the ones wwe should have had all along.
536
Dear VABG,

Hang tough, wonderful lady. You are doing amazing things with your life, in spite of the hateful biological family you were handed. The fact is, we can't choose where we come from, but we can choose where we're going, and it sounds like you've been on the right track to a compassionate, meaningful and fulfilling life ever since you came out and created a home and family for yourself away from those bigots. Please try to be compassionate with yourself and accept that, although plenty of people get to have a biological family that's loving, you're just not one of those people, and you're not alone. No matter how much you want their love, they're a-holes who are not capable of giving you what you deserve. They just aren't. And it's not your fault. So take it easy on yourself and try to let go of the hope of having those expectations fulfilled because it will only lead to disappointment. You don't need your biological family's approval; you have the support of so many other people who love you, and they are your real family.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of my best guy friend to his boyfriend of several years. I don't think I've ever witnessed as much love and support in a room as I did during their ceremony. It was beautiful and moving, and I couldn't be happier for them. I know it sounds like I'm going off on a tangent, and I sort of am, but the reason I'm writing about this is that, by taking care of your nephew and setting a spectacular example for him, you're getting him closer to being the kind of guy who will end up with a wonderful man who respects and loves him and treats him well. And I know the circumstances under which you two ended up together are awful and I'm sure that taking care of a teenager will at times be stressful and trying, but whenever you feel discouraged, please think of how much you're doing to pave the way for his becoming a healthy, confident adult. He will some day have a family of his own thanks to YOU (not his mother or the rest of those bigots); YOU'RE teaching him what real love is. YOU'RE his loving aunt, his role model, his hero.

You should be so proud of yourself. I know your friends, your nephew, and your real family are all so proud of you.

Take care of yourself and stay strong!

G in NYC
537
VA Broken Girl, I want to give you the most powerful word I have: Dauntless.

Like you, I grew up in hell, and my one ally was a grandmother who saw a kid in need of love, acceptance, and caring. She was smart and welcoming, encouraging and wonderful, and it wasn't until decades later that I learned her life had been one long series of setbacks, hardships and disappointments, and that she must have been utterly dauntless to come through all of it with kindness and enthusiasm and somehow -- miraculously -- with strength in such excess that she could reach out to prop up others in need. Like me. She gave me hope, and the life I have now.

I don't know you, but survivor to survivor, I see it in you. I know you can be that person for your nephew. You can persevere, you can keep going. The beauty about being dauntless is that you don't have to be perfect: you just have to keep trying. I am so proud of you, and so happy, tears down my face and everything, that people like you are helping people like your nephew. You can do it. Your wonderful, beautiful, true-to-himself nephew is so lucky to have you.
538
VABG,

First of all, you are not the one who is broken--your biological relatives are, for being unable to recognize both you and your nephew as human beings worthy of love and respect.

My first reaction to reading this letter was extreme anger at how they could viscerally hate you and your nephew just for being gay. Whatever anger or sadness you feel toward them, I hope you will channel these feelings into raising your nephew with as much unconditional love, care, and acceptance as you are capable--love, care, and acceptance both of you are now denied from those who should love you most.

I'm sure that you will raise him to become a fine young man that any parents would be proud to call their son. You have a huge, supportive extended family in the LGBT community.

The greatest revenge against the relatives who committed this betrayal is for both of you to live well.

Best of luck, and please take care.
539
@470 - I had the same thought, but I actually prefer this video lip-sync version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sWaTGLmp…

VABG, if you watch this, let it remind you (as it does me) that the quantity of us who are ON YOUR SIDE vastly outnumbers the biologicals who intend you harm. My family had a hard time with my coming out, though not nearly as extreme as yours. Even so, many times I have felt that I have had to shout, with all my being, into the hurricane of their condemnations "I am not an abomination, I am not filth, I am not a pervert, I am not mentally ill, I am not broken, I am not a demon, I am not possessed, God does not hate me..." an endless list of negations I've needed to scream into the storm of all their rancid vilification.

You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are loved. You are valued. You are a gift. You have a love life and a loving life. You have a compassionate soul. You will get through this. You have allies. You have total strangers wishing you well, sending you and your nephew love, willing to help in any way we can (I would absolutely make a donation if someone sets something up).

Be comforted, sister. I can only imagine the pain or just how difficult your path was/is; please know that there are LOTS of us rooting for you.
540
You aren't broken. It didn't break you.

THEY are broken. So sadly and completely broken that they no longer have the most basic human ability; the ability to love our families and most especially our own children.

YOU on the other hand; you are strong and healthy and capable of love, empathy, and...hell. You are capable of absolutely anything.

And it hurts, right in your soul, to see how badly broken they are.

They didn't break you. You are unbreakable. But you're feeling pain over how badly broken they, and the world, are.

It will get better. Not just your pain, but the world. Because you are making it better.

Thank you.
541
Be strong and proud. You are going to have such an amazing impact on your nephew's life and help erase so much of the negativity he's experienced. My heart aches for all the damage that your sad, close minded family has caused you, but please don't let that continue to pull you down. You deserve so much happiness and to be surrounded with so much love. I wish you and your new (and improved!) family so many wonderful things.
542
You probably saved your nephew's life. Either he may have become one of the too many LGBT youth that are driven to take their own lives or he would have been forced to live a life full of self-hatred, denial and repression. Remember to let him be a kid and depend on you, but also take from him what's now been given to you: a member of your biological family who can understand, appreciate and love you. The universe works in mysterious ways, and through all of this hate and prejudice, you've gotten back a family member. Thanks for being so strong. You're truly an inspiration.
543
Aaaaaaaaand that's four hundred. You're cool, thanks for being you, and carry on.
544
Holy cow, I didn't realize that the 399 limit was the Slog's display not the actual number of responses. The world is full of allies!
545
Children need love and by picking your nephew up, probably not even knowing him and certainly never expecting to be become the sudden parent of of 15 year old, you showed him love. You showed him that he is worth the world, and you proved that you rise above your family's hate. Thank god for you. You have built a life and now you can share that with a 15 year old who needs you. You can show him that it gets better. Thank you.
546
vabg..
i don't know where you is.. when you might read this ..or even if you have begun to see straight ( and i mean 'straight ' like directly in front of you, as opposed to 'straight like.. well you know ).. but if you need help.. well i can fry fish and chicken. do a mean sautee on some collards.. my husband ( no it ain't legal here..but there's at least one other thing that i do that ain't legal, so what do i care ) bakes serious cake when he's inspired. and.. and.. well if you neeed anything from us.. for you.. your home or yopur brand new child. let us know.. serious. we got it to give.. stay strong and full of love..always..
riz and rob
547
People like you, without knowing it, are saving the world.
548
You're genetic family does not know how lucky they are to have you, VABG. Your nephew is probably better off with you than with the people he was with before. You saved the life of your (genetic/childhood) sister's son, and if she does not ever come around to thank you for saving him from her, it's her loss.

Reading this has actually made me feel good simply sharing this planet with you. Thank you so much.
549
I just want to add a thought about this kid's mom. I know at least one person touched on it, but--isn't it kind of amazing that she reached out to you to come get her son? Maybe, just maybe, deep down she knows that the environment he was in wasn't safe for him and that he needed to get out of there. Maybe she even supports him deep in her heart, but doesn't feel safe enough herself to say so. Even saying she supported him would take a lot of courage in a family like that. I grew up a Jehovah's Witness, which has some similarities to Pentacostalism, and I can imagine a scenario where the mom tells herself and everyone else that she's "kicking the kid out," but underneath it all she's trying to save his life by getting him out of a dangerous place. She sent him to a safe place--she sent him to you.

Yes, it would be better if she actually stood up for him loudly and proudly, but I'm not going to be the one to cast the first stone at someone immersed in that sort of family. I struggled a lot over why some of my family did the things they did when they knew it was wrong, and eventually came to forgive them when I realized they just didn't have the courage. They didn't have the strength. You have that courage and that strength, and if your nephew came out to those people, it looks like he does too. And you now have the opportunity to build on that strength together. And in time, maybe you can even forgive your family. (Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It has nothing to do with whether the person you forgive "deserves" it or not; it has to do with whether YOU deserve to let go of the burden of resentment, however justified it may be. But it still takes time.)

I could be totally wrong about your sister's intentions, of course, but it seems possible from your letter.
550
What can I say here that hasn't already been said by someone smarter?

VAGB is so totally awesome just for being there for her nephew. That kind of love and support goes well beyond what many, even most people expect from their family. I feel lucky that heroes like her exist.
551
Lady, you absolutely rock! Because of you, your nephew will not be another young gay teen on the street, (or worse!) There is nothing that I can say that hasn't been said, but I do want to tell you that I feel sorry for your family. Having a loving person like you in their midst and choosing to turn their backs on her is like sitting at a feast and starving to death. What a sad existence. I'm glad that you and your nephew got away and I wish you every happiness.
552
I agree with others that you should pursue legal guardianship and child support from your nephew's "parents." These "parents" still have obligations, regardless of whatever ideas that their religious leaders have indoctrinated them with.

I also agree that the opposite of love (and of hate) is indifference or apathy. There is actually a fine line between the passionate emotions of love and hate. Hate is based on confusion and fear, so it isn't inconceivable that when the love of family is met with contradictory and confusing messages of religion, the passion of love may cross over into the passion of hate.

You are a hero for rescuing your nephew from a hate-filled situation. Now, for your own sake, find it within yourself to forgive your relatives for being brainwashed. Let them continue to suffer the consequences of hate, while you unburden yourself and move on.

Your nephew is so lucky to have you. Be his rock. I believe in you.

Please keep us posted! ****HUGS****
553
Congratulations! It's a boy!

All this advice and support is great to read. I'm so happy to see so many of us wanting to help.. My two cents: involve professionals.

You should retain a lawyer for custody issues. I agree with other readers who have cautioned that your sister and her family may want him back at some point.

You may also want to consider some therapy sessions for you and your nephew, separately, to help you both process the abuses you have suffered. Even if you are not medically insured, there are clinics with therapists who would be happy to help you for a sliding-scale fee (or even free). I'm not suggesting the need for years of psychoanalysis, just maybe a few sessions to help you both during a traumatic transition.

A legal professional would have more insight on this, but you also might want to contact the child protective services in your area. A social worker's home visit on record could be valuable in any future involving his mother's family. It could be a good preemptive measure.

I am not a member of any organized religion (raised by reasonable Roman Catholics), but I do believe in god. I am praying for you and will continue to do so. Thank you for taking on the hardest job in the world. Please write back to Dan and let us know when you feel strong again. In the meantime, lean on others. You are loved.
554
Hey VA omg you are a strong courageous individual and you need to hold your head up and keep pushing on. Your family are the ones afflicted and they will need to live with themselves for thevrestbof your life. You have literally saved your nephews life. Stay strong. R
555
You are my hero. No really, the person I want to be when I grow up.

I second the advice to read John Shore's blog.

Also, see if you can take parental leave from your workplace. Most of the laws concerning family medical leave include adoption as a valid reason, and if this isn't adoption I'm not sure what is. And then spend as much time as possible just getting to know your new son. I know, you may never call him son, he may never call you mom, but that's what you are. And your sister, who called you? She wants him to have a mom, and is too religion-filled to be that mom. That's why she called you. So even though you probably quite legitimately hate her, and her behavior isn't defensible, I'm glad she called you. It means you get to love her son into being your son instead of him ending up on the street like so many queer kids do.

And get that kid a therapist, asap. I don't know where you live, but most cities have free or cheap good therapy at gay community centers.

So yeah. That sucks, and I'm so sorry that life sucks and I wish it didn't. And you are my hero.
556
God bless you! You are a true hero! I'm sorry about your family, I know that must hurt you, but you will receive the blessing that you deserve. Try to let them go so you're open to letting in all the love you will receive. And try to help your nephew let them go, too, so he can do the same. Whatever they may think is not you. You are a precious child of the Most High Creator! You are absolutely perfect just the way you are and so is your nephew.You are loved! You are important! You are beautiful inside and out! Never forget that, please.
557
Yes!!! Fuck your family indeed!

There is NOTHING wrong with you and there is EVERYTHIG wrong with that godawful family of yours.

It reminds of a Simpsons quote - "But Lisa, you're so beautiful, and your family is so... Well, you're like a flower that grew from a pot of dirt!"

Be kind to yourself now. The voice in you that makes you feel awful is your family's voice, not yours. Tell that voice to shut the fuck up because it is NOT you.

What a blessing it is to be gay, isn't it? The mere difference in our sexuality excludes us from that insane population of the world called the "Religious Extremists". Thank GOD for that - it's not a club I'd ever want to be part of.
558
As people have said already: I don't think your family are hating *you*, as a person. I don't think they're seeing you for who you are. It's like for them the word "lesbian" throws up a mask in front of you, so when they look at you or your nephew, what they see is this projection of their own fear and guilt and repressed feelings. Maybe that passionate hatred isn't *for* you, maybe it's all about them.

Go you, and very best of luck to you and your nephew. You had an inner wisdom when you were in college, something that let you know that *you* weren't wrong, it was their beliefs that were wrong. Trust that.
559
Just want to add my message of support - you are amazing, strong, and doing something wonderful for your nephew. May you both find peace, love, and happiness with each other and your non-biological family.
560
Sometimes our birth family isn't worthy of staying in it. You grew up to be a loving and supporting person, despite coming from your surrondings - that's quite an achievement ! I too have experienced being hated while having never deserved it in any way. It can sometimes get to one, but still remember that you have not gone their route, that you have broken their cycle of hatred, that you have survived and that you've even been able to help out your relative. Congratulations for being that awesome !

Besides, people who have hurt you in the past will mostly end up being even more hateful to you, if you haven't hurt them back. Often it's hard to feel mad at someone without a clear reason why (such as actual harm done), and so, instead of dropping the hate and making peace with someone whom they innerly feel they have ill-treated, many people will resent their victim all the more, because their victim is a living proof that it's them who are bad.

So nothing to wonder about in your family's continued hatred ; it comes probably from you being too much of a lovable person for them not to feel guilty about how they treated you, and from them not wanting to admit to themselves that anything/everything in their little "perfectly religious" lives is a lie.
561
Hi. Not sure if this has been mentioned but I would post a copy of the movie "Prayers for Bobby" to the mother and hope she watches and understands it.
562
Dear Heart, i can only make it through this material existence with the knowledge that there is a difference between the doer and the deeds, i Loathe with a passion most of the deeds i observe individuals doing. i Realize that they are just lost souls with no clue. The sixteenth chapter of the Gita says,

God said, "Fearlessness; purification of one's existence; cultivation of spiritual knowledge; charity; self-control; performance of sacrifice; study of the Vedas; austerity; simplicity; nonviolence; truthfulness; freedom from anger; renunciation; tranquillity; aversion to faultfinding; compassion for all living entities; freedom from covetousness; gentleness; modesty; steady determination; vigor; forgiveness; fortitude; cleanliness; and freedom from envy and from the passion for honor — these transcendental qualities belong to godly men endowed with divine nature.

Pride, arrogance, conceit, anger, harshness and ignorance —these qualities belong to those of demoniac nature.

The transcendental qualities are conducive to liberation, whereas the demoniac qualities make for bondage.

Do not worry for you are born with divine qualities. in this world there are two kinds of created beings. One is called the divine and the other demoniac.
I have already explained to you at length the divine qualities.
Now hear from Me of the demoniac.

Those who are demoniac do not know what is to be done and what is not to be done.

Neither cleanliness, nor proper behavior, nor truth is found in them.
They say that this world is unreal, with no foundation, no God in control.

They say it is produced of sex desire and has no cause other than lust.
Following such conclusions, the demoniac, who are lost to themselves and who have no intelligence, engage in unbeneficial, horrible works meant to destroy the world.
Taking shelter of insatiable lust and absorbed in the conceit of pride and false prestige, the demoniac, thus illusioned, are always sworn to unclean work, attracted by the impermanent.

They believe that to gratify the senses is the prime necessity of human civilization.

Thus until the end of life their anxiety is immeasurable.
Bound by a network of hundreds of thousands of desires and absorbed in lust and anger,
they secure money by illegal means for sense gratification.

The demoniac person thinks: "So much wealth do I have today, and I will gain more according to my schemes.

So much is mine now, and it will increase in the future, more and more.
He is my enemy, and I have killed him, and my other enemies will also be killed.
I am the lord of everything. I am the enjoyer. I am perfect, powerful and happy.
I am the richest man, surrounded by aristocratic relatives. There is none so powerful and happy as I am.

I shall perform sacrifices, I shall give some charity, and thus I shall rejoice. In this way, such persons are deluded by ignorance.

Thus perplexed by various anxieties and bound by a network of illusions, they become too
strongly attached to sense enjoyment and fall down into hell.

Self-complacent and always impudent, deluded by wealth and false prestige, they sometimes proudly perform sacrifices in name only, without following any rules or regulations.

Bewildered by false ego, strength, pride, lust and anger, the demons become envious of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, who is situated in their own bodies and in the bodies of others, and blaspheme against the real religion.

Those who are envious and mischievous, who are the lowest among men, I perpetually cast into the ocean of material existence, into various demoniac species of life.

Attaining repeated birth amongst the species of demoniac life, such persons can never approach Me. Gradually they sink down to the most abominable type of existence.

There are three gates leading to this hell — lust, anger and greed.

Every sane man should give these up, for they lead to the degradation of the soul.
The man who has escaped these three gates of hell performs acts conducive to
self-realization and thus gradually attains the supreme destination.

He who discards scriptural injunctions and acts according to his own whims attains neither perfection, nor happiness, nor the supreme destination.

One should therefore understand what is duty and what is not duty by the regulations of
the scriptures.

Knowing such rules and regulations, one should act so that he may gradually be elevated.

Be Well,

paul
563
I've read a lot of these responses in this possibly record-setting SLOG comment thread, and like the original letter and Dan's response, they make me want to cry (I'm hoping there are no trolls). Y'all are a bunch of beautiful motherf*ckers.

But you most of all, VABG - you're awesome and you deserve all the love you can give and get in the REAL family you've made. There's love out here, and I hope plenty around your growing family too.
564
Dear VABG, you are an amazingly strong and loving person who does not deserve that 'family'. You have done a beautiful and kind thing and your nephew is fortunate in that. My advice to you as someone living in Virginia who works daily in a school setting with straight and LGBT youth, get him counseling. And get him into a CARING and loving school environment where he won't be bullied. They exist in VA, but not often in the public system. Stay strong - don't buck up, stand up. You can do it. Ask for help when you need it, you don't have to do this alone.
565
Dear VABG, you are an amazingly strong and loving person who does not deserve that 'family'. You have done a beautiful and kind thing and your nephew is fortunate in that. My advice to you as someone living in Virginia who works daily in a school setting with straight and LGBT youth, get him counseling. And get him into a CARING and loving school environment where he won't be bullied. They exist in VA, but not often in the public system. Stay strong - don't buck up, stand up. You can do it. Ask for help when you need it, you don't have to do this alone.
566
God said, "Fearlessness; purification of one's existence; cultivation of spiritual knowledge; charity; self-control; performance of sacrifice; study of the Vedas; austerity; simplicity; nonviolence; truthfulness; freedom from anger; renunciation; tranquillity; aversion to faultfinding; compassion for all living entities; freedom from covetousness; gentleness; modesty; steady determination; vigor; forgiveness; fortitude; cleanliness; and freedom from envy and from the passion for honor — these transcendental qualities belong to godly men endowed with divine nature.

Pride, arrogance, conceit, anger, harshness and ignorance — these qualities belong to those of demoniac nature.
The transcendental qualities are conducive to liberation, whereas the demoniac qualities make for bondage.

Do not worry for you are born with divine qualities. In this world there are two kinds of created beings. One is called the divine and the other demoniac.
I have already explained to you at length the divine qualities.
Now hear from Me of the demoniac.

Those who are demoniac do not know what is to be done and what is not to be done.

Neither cleanliness, nor proper behavior, nor truth is found in them.

They say that this world is unreal, with no foundation, no God in control.

They say it is produced of sex desire and has no cause other than lust.

Following such conclusions, the demoniac, who are lost to themselves and who have no intelligence, engage in unbeneficial, horrible works meant to destroy the world.
Taking shelter of insatiable lust and absorbed in the conceit of pride and false prestige, the demoniac, thus illusioned, are always sworn to unclean work, attracted by the impermanent.

They believe that to gratify the senses is the prime necessity of human civilization.
Thus until the end of life their anxiety is immeasurable.

Bound by a network of hundreds of thousands of desires and absorbed in lust and anger,
they secure money by illegal means for sense gratification.

The demoniac person thinks: "So much wealth do I have today, and I will gain more according to my schemes.

So much is mine now, and it will increase in the future, more and more.

He is my enemy, and I have killed him, and my other enemies will also be killed.

I am the lord of everything. I am the enjoyer.
I am perfect, powerful and happy.
I am the richest man, surrounded by aristocratic relatives. There is none so powerful and happy as I am.
I shall perform sacrifices, I shall give some charity, and thus I shall rejoice.
In this way, such persons are deluded by ignorance.
Thus perplexed by various anxieties and bound by a network of illusions, they become too
strongly attached to sense enjoyment and fall down into hell.

Self-complacent and always impudent, deluded by wealth and false prestige, they sometimes proudly perform sacrifices in name only, without following any rules or regulations.

Bewildered by false ego, strength, pride, lust and anger, the demons become envious of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, who is situated in their own bodies and in the bodies of others, and blaspheme against the real religion.

Those who are envious and mischievous, who are the lowest among men,
I perpetually cast into the ocean of material existence, into various demoniac species of life.

Attaining repeated birth amongst the species of demoniac life, such persons can never approach Me. Gradually they sink down to the most abominable type of existence.

There are three gates leading to this hell —
lust, anger and greed.

Every sane man should give these up, for they lead to the degradation of the soul.
The man who has escaped these three gates of hell performs acts conducive to
self-realization and thus gradually attains the supreme destination.

He who discards scriptural injunctions and acts according to his own whims attains neither perfection, nor happiness, nor the supreme destination.

One should therefore understand what is duty and what is not duty by the regulations of
the scriptures.

Knowing such rules and regulations, one should act so that he may gradually be elevated.

Chapter 16, Bhagavad Gita
567
Wow, 400 comments. That's a lot of love. I'm sorry the people who raised you couldn't join us.

I know which family I'd rather share a meal with.

Your sister gave you her son because she knew you could take better care of him, meet his needs better, than she could. Maybe she's just hateful, like you say, but maybe, just maybe, she had his best interests at heart and couldn't say so because she would be cast out too. Maybe, just maybe, she trusts you and knows you'll do your best.

Parenting is hard, but I suspect your nephew is better off now. Your sister did the right thing for her child.. Maybe she did it for the wrong reasons, maybe she did it for the right reasons. We'll never know. But thankfully, she dust the right thing.

I choose to believe she gave you a little piece of your family of origin back. You've got your nephew now, and maybe, just maybe, a little secret respect from your sister.
568
Something occurred to me after posting -- there's no reason to think that it'll only be your nephew who ends up with you. Even if they are 'straight' and therefore 'safe', I'm sure there are other people in that family group who hate how he was treated, want to be free to love people as they see fit even if they are queer, gay, or just different ... And I don't mean sexual I'd only, I mean loving. Loving the world, the people surrounding them, not having to divide the world into us/them. You may (or may not) end up being the amazing aunt for more kids who need to flee for a laundry list of reasons.
569
You are a loving, amazing, beautiful woman. You are taking in someone else's child to show them the love they deserve. Your "family" is the one that is broken, not you.
570
It's so awful that your family would do that to two generations. That just shows that they all have stagnated intellectually, and such a fine woman as yourself should not be bothered with such primordial ooze.
571
I'm not sure I have anything new to add, other than my support and admiration to this joyful chorus.

I'm reminded of something a wise therapist encouraged me to consider in relation to my own unhappy family situation. She suggested I think about everything my parents did or said as a contribution to a piggy bank. Some of the contributions were indeed negative, and equated to taking coins out of the bank, but even many of the contributions that seemed like "minuses" may actually be "pluses".

In your case, being cut off and cast out would appear to be a major minus, but I suspect my wise therapist would have urged you to consider what you may have gained through that negative experience. An early understanding about hypocrisy that has probably guided your journey since? The ability to disconnect people from their labels and appreciate them for who they are? The strength to endure the sharpest blows from the people we least expect to strike us? The compassion to come to the aid of another family member in need, no questions asked?

These are hard to completely perceive as "gifts" and yet seeing them that way may help you recast some of the sadness you understandably feel. It's a little mental trick but one I've found incredibly useful in moving on.

I wish you and your new son all the happiness you both deserve and thank you for reaffirming my faith in humanity.
572
Your letter puts a face and story on the statistics for GBLT teens and young adults who become homeless after being kicked out or forced to run away from their families. If not for you, your nephew could have become one of those, most alone and most vulnerable. Congratulations to you, for your real family has grown! Congratulations to him, on the first days with a family that accepts him for who he is!
573
I confess I haven't read all the responses. I stand with you. I have had only the most fleeting taste of familial hostility in comparison to yours. Still, I've not had contact with my father for the last 20-some years and having checked in with my siblings, I'm certain that he is the one who missed out. Yes, I mourn the loss of my Daddy all those years ago, but what he turned into is not worth thinking about.

Please try to remember that you are doing the right thing. Your nephew is lucky to have you. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this, but it has made you that much more precious to him. He will probably not recognize all of this immediately, but you are his saviour. You are the difference between his potential to survive and his potential to thrive.

I think your strength so far has more than made up for the stupidity of your biofam. Best of luck and all my respect.
574
almost 600 positive, uplifting comments! VA, you wrote to Dan hoping for some help and guidance, But YOU have helped all of us. We hear of so many horrors every day, it was wonderful to hear one story of someone doing the right thing in a tough situation. Thanks to your friend for giving us an update. I wish all the best to you and your nephew. THank You for sharing your story with us, please keep in touch.
575
I read your letter and I know you are a hero. You are strong, generous and brave. Despite what everyone says, you are feeling broken and wounded and yet you are still reaching out, still trying if not for yourself than for your nephew. You are a fucking hero.

We support you. Because we support you we want to lash out in anger and hate against those who are hurting you, against the seriously fucked up system that is guiding those who are hurting you. We do this, but its your family in the end. Its not wrong, messed up or stupid to love and want to be loved by your parents, your brothers, your sisters, and to have that love shown to you.

When you lost that love the first time, you were prepared. You knew how it was going to end, you had your bags packed. This time you weren't. You didn't have the months, years, of preparation that coming out took. You had to fly into the situation to rescue your nephew with very little time to prepare.

From what your letter said, it sounds to me like this encounter has literally killed your hopes of your bio-family ever accepting you back. It has ended a very (understandably) dearly held dream. The family that you grew up with is now dead, dead in the most horrible way- alive but not for you. You are in mourning. You've lost all your brothers and sisters. You've lost your parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents.

If you can afford it, try to find a LGBT friendly grief counselor. Lean on your friends, on your Family of choice. Know you are not alone. While you do need to buck up and hold it together for your nephew, there is also something to be said for sharing your grief with him. He has lost his family to, and you two are the only ones left from that family.

Just remember that to us, you are a hero. We are here supporting you, cheering you on. You can do this. You will survive, you will grow, you will thrive.
576
While I am not gay I have deep empathy for you and your situation right now. I use the word 'empathy' instead of 'sympathy' because it includes the meaning of fellow feeling...of having gone through similar. I was raised in a restrictive male dominated religion where the biggest goals I was encouraged to achieve were wifedom and motherhood. Sex outside of marriage was completely taboo as was associating with anyone who was not of the religion. When I made the decision to leave because I could not stand the hypocrisy I saw inside myself-I am a pierced, tattooed gleefully wanton fornicator who happily got her tubes tied without having children-I really discovered the true definition of Love. All of my family, all of my friends turned away from me. The pain that caused I do not have to tell you as you are all too aware of it. The only knowledge or wisdom..support or love I can offer you is that you are among the lucky ones. You are fortunate because you know love and honesty. If you are reading this-close your eyes and imagine what your life would be right now if you had not stepped up and been honest with your family. If you had not had the gumption to come out. Married, pregnant with how many children right now? Acting a part in a life you wanted nothing to do with? If you still believe in God in any way you know that the heart condition is what He sees. As I tried to explain to many in the religion I came from-What is the point of faking it if what He sees is my heart and motivation...When we get down to the end of our lives we have to answer to ourselves and whatever deity we believe in. What would be the point of faking it if all we have to offer in the end is a showy flash in the pan, a fake? My sister, your pain is not easily diminished but please do know that you are not alone. Like Dan, I will not try to sell you platitudes of how it gets better or cheesy shit like that. Draw strength from inside...from where you got the courage to stand up for who You Really Are. Dwell there when you are weakest and not only will you find peace inside, but you will have the strength to be there for your nephew.
577
Just imagine that you, in this world of billions of people, are the only one who can make a difference in your nephew's life. What if that is your purpose on this earth? How do you know it's not your purpose? I would suggest that because he is with you now, it is clear that you needed to know the reason for your family abandoning you. In the great circle of life, you were abandoned to the be the one to save your nephew. God bless you.
578
Good on you, darling. You have saved his life after saving your own. Don't let your biological family's darkness overshadow the awesome power of what you have done, first for yourself and now for your nephew. Yours is the stuff that will live on.
579
Your resilience, courage, and strength lit up my day like a second sun, VABG. You may be injured, but you’re certainly not broken. You remind me of the Antarctic explorer Earnest Shackleton, whose family crest was "Through Endurance We Conquer," and whose Herculean efforts saved the lives of his men when their ship got frozen in. In a similar way I think you will succeed in rescuing your cousin.
580
VABG, thank G-d for you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for Christ's love in you, in your friends, in your nephew.

And, I hope that there is a glimmer of Jesus' light in your sister. She did send him to a loving home with a supportive family. I will pray that Jesus--or reason, the Sun, the Moon, Dr. MLK, whoever-- will touch her and change her heart.

As others have mentioned, it will not be easy. But, you do not yet know what you can do, you have shown incredible strength, way more than anyone should have to show. Your nephew will also need that amazing power, and it may take him a while to get there. He may act out, have problems, create trouble, but by example you have already shown him what is possible. A whole new world, with true, deep, profound love.
581
VABG, I'm sure others have said it, but 580 is a lot of comments to sift through. You kick ass and you're probably saving this kid's life.
582
Fuck your family! They deserve no pity. Tell that 15 year old to hold his high and let the world go fuck itself. You deserve more, he deserves more, WE deserve more. GAYS ARE EQUAL. DONT let anyone else tell you otherwise.
583
I think everyone else has pretty much said it all so I don't have anything else to add. Sending love and best wishes to you and your nephew from Wisconsin!
584
VABG, you are not broken. You're the least broken human I can imagine. I admire you. You are heroic. People are going to point at you to tell stories of your kindness, generosity, and bravery. I want my children to meet you. You lift me up. You make want to be a better person.
I know you and your nephew have many challenges ahead, but I believe any effort begun with your generosity of spirit will be rewarded. Be brave. You have the power of acting from love.
585
Don't think I can add anymore that hasn't already been said. Sending love and best wishes from Wisconsin!
586
also late to the party, and from the other side of the world... but some things translate cross culturally too well.
i was raised by fundamentalist christians, and a very clannish family. so when i came out things didn't go too well either. it got worse when i decided to have 2 beautiful children with my whanau, and not pretend it was an accident (shameless!). i have had two of my siblings in care, one of whom had been in solitary confinement before we got him, and was in bad shape. we've also had another whanau member's sibling, and one of my cousins in foster-care. it's always hard, and it never stops hurting. but the good you do, every day, the love you make and the joy you forge, slowly wears away the sharp bits. i can say now, i am grateful - not for the pain inflicted - but for opportunity i had forced upon me. if not for all that crap, i might never have the family i do now. and THIS IS BETTER. they can't take away the life you make. you will weather this, and make even more colour in the world.
go to the people who love you, get surrounded by arms, cry out your pain, and let them fill you up with love and joy again.
587
You have monsters where your family ought to be. That is just unbelievably painful. In the place where you most wish for love and acceptance and home, there is hatred and rejection and hell. You can find the things you should get from family elsewhere, and the strength that you have shown in doing exactly that is to be celebrated, but I'm not sure anything ever entirely makes up for the alienation. And abuse is always clearer when it happens to someone else--so seeing this innocent kid treated the way you were is just bringing home a double-helping of horror. Even the strongest people shouldn't always have to be strong. Sometimes you just want to be loved, and safe, and not have to work so hard for the love and encouragement that should just be given to you. You have just been confronted with an awful, shocking, soul-destroying situation--the kind of hate it takes to push a 15 year old out on the streets--this is making total strangers weep with compassion and horror--of course you are floored by it. It is ok for you to not be ok, and it's good for you to share that with your nephew. Your grief and trauma affirms for him just how extremely far away from acceptable and normal and sane his family's behavior is, and he needs to know that's true, so that he knows it is 100 percent not about him, and can mourn the awfulness, and then start letting go of it, so he can build a different life. Let him be a little kid, let yourself be a little kid, before you wipe your eyes and go on with being a kick-ass, wonderful, amazing, brave grown-up. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for his loss, and that you have been subjected to such hatred. It has nothing to do with you. I hope you can just hold that kid's hand and cry it out with him. Everyone here is holding your hand while you recover from this. You just got blasted with massively toxic emotions. It's going to take a while to clear your system. Be gentle with yourself. Get lots of sleep, and eat your vegetables, and take walks, especially ones that involve ice cream. Thank you for writing in to Dan and giving us all the opportunity to help fight back against the forces of darkness by supporting you. And one more thing--when you grow up in an abusive family, sometimes you have to ingest and experience other people's emotional states as your own-- being hyper-empathetic is a survival mechanism because when other people's states of mind are dangerous to you, you have to be very very tuned in to them. So I would suggest that the "nothingness" you feel about your life may actually be you channeling their life--the black hole void that they fill with religion where their hearts and minds and souls should be. But you don't have to tune in to them anymore. You are safe. You escaped. You are safe and you have saved your nephew. You can let that family go and believe in yourself and the life that you have made. It is real, and they can't take it from you. As soon as you can, please get legal custody of your nephew, so that they can't take him either.
588
I'm late to this party, but I feel compelled to join in.

I too have been disowned by my family. The final straw was when I intentionally planned to have and raise a child with my two best friends. They are happily married to each other, but the wife is infertile, and I have had ovarian cancer and was running out of time to have a child. So, the wife said, "Let's just solve all of our problems and be happy." We did. And our daughter is beautiful and we all feel blessed to have her and each other in our admittedly unusual family.

But my family's ostracism has been total, and it's been really hard to cope with because my mother lives with us because she has Parkinson's. Meaning: they are punishing her too in their collective shunning of me and I have been abandoned in trying to cope with taking care of her.

And, yet?

I read your letter and thought that my circumstances aren't so difficult. What your family did to you and your nephew is the height of cowardice and an assfuckton of ignorance. It outrages me. But, as others herein have said, your nephew is blessed to have you. Both of you will make it through it and will forge a true family in the process. My sincerest well wishes to you both.
589
VABG, I am so glad you are there for your nephew. I agree with everyone about getting therapy and legal support, and remembering that your chosen family is your real family. But don't forget that your blood family doesn't get to decide FOR you and your nephew that you're not related, because fuck them.

I have a blood-uncle who when he was younger was, basically, a womanizing asshole: twice divorced, with a baby daughter (my oldest cousin) he totally abandoned with his first marriage. By wife #3 something changed; they've been married 20+ years with one daughter, and I'm sure Uncle would love for his asshole years to be kept quiet and erased. Growing up, I didn't even know I had another cousin. So when she showed up to connect with the rest of us extended family, Uncle was NOT happy, and there were big family rifts for years about it. And now that things have settled down, Uncle still avoids cousin as much as possible. But we invite her to family dinners anyway, and she gets our Christmas letters and email forwards, and she is my cousin--because fuck him. He doesn't get to decide who's in our family.

Your parents and siblings are twisted, fearful people. You don't have to see or give a kind thought to them ever again. You are Pilgrims sailing for the New World, never to return, while they they are staying behind in the Old Country to die of plague. So fuck them, they don't get to vote you off the family island. You are still on geneaology charts; you have every right to family memories and injokes and stories about your great-great-uncle Smith the gangster. You and your nephew are a new branch, the "Smiths in Virginia" and not the "crazy homophobe Smiths." Take your chosen family and embrace it; take your Smiths in Virginia family and FLAUNT it.
590
I think you are amazingly brave. You knew what 'they' would do when you came out and yet you were still true to yourself and have remained so. They will go on and remain ignorant of just how wonderful you are while you will going on being wonderful, and brave, and good.

Hmmm, now that's two in your family who are gay. I wonder if there is a gene in there that comes through one or both of your parents. Perhaps someone should ask them who is living a lie.
591
You have been so very brave living your life as you knew you had to and now, as you know, you must be brave for him. Like the others, I can only be thankful he has you because so many don't, so many others have no where else to turn and must remain living among the hateful. I have no god, never have had one so to really relate is difficult but to quote a favorite TV character...living well is the best revenge. May life bring you and your nephew every happiness, every success and remember, your family has to be around their bigoted, small-mind selves every day and you don't. And thankfully, neither does your nephew...because of you.
592
As a Minister of religion, I can only apologise for the actions of these folk. They have come a long way from the time of the Carpenter who declared that "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives and the regaining of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed, 19 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."
593
Close to 600 comments, all but maybe 2 were positive. That's how awesome you are.
594
Love! Thanks for helping your nephew out, and helping yourself by getting away from these folks. The world is better for it.
595
Get custody. Get child support, if possible. Ignore your bio-family and find love and comfort with your nephew and your family of choice. Living well really is the best revenge, and being with people who love you is the highest form of living well.

And literally hundreds of people who have never met you are showng love and support. That should tell you something.
596
Holy moley..I'm sure VABG isn't gonna make it through 600 comments.

But if you happen to, VABG, I'm also in VA, in NoVA, to be specific. As a self-employed artist I don't have money to offer to chip in, & it sounds like you have built a friend-family already, but as someone who has walked in similar shoes - if you need anything, I post by my actual name, you can find me on FB.

Thanks you for being wonderful.

& SLOGgers..ditto.
597
As a mom I can say you have been given the biggest gift and challenge of all!! I see this as an opportunity for you to do better for a child than your family did for you, and I know you will rise to the occasion fully! Remember how it was when you were younger - time moved more slowly or seemed to - so every ounce of acceptance and love you give this kiddo in every minute is ten fold. I think it is also very telling that your sister called you - even in her rock bottom of unacceptance she looked for a safe home for this boy and knew that you were it. Somewhere deep down she knows that her belief system is flawed and has sought another avenue for her child. Does not make her as good as she could be in this moment, but does say that she trusts you to love him and that she understands she is wrong.
598
What they said...

I think it's interesting, though, that she still had your number and cared about him enough to call you and ask you to come get him. She has a tiny glimmer of sanity and love in there somewhere.

I feel sad for your family in a way. They have obviously lost the best, bravest and strongest member.

CD
599
Amen, Dan. Thank God for you. I wish more people would be more Christlike and love each other. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with so much crushing hate. You are awesome, and you are loved, and, thanks to you, your nephew is, too.
600
You sound like a wonderful person. Your nephew is very lucky to have you!
601

All weekend this has been running through my mind and I have been sending VABG love and strength. I keep picturing taking your face in my hands and kissing your cheeks and thanking you with all I have. I am so grateful to be reminded how good we can be and that at least one person is doing the right thing even when it has slashed your guts open. You will heal from this--you have made the world a better place with your sacrifice.

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