Comments

1
I'll be upstairs.
2
I love a letter where I just get to be happy for the writer. So great.
3
I doubt if Confused in California will get the message. He probably is still pouting because Dan called him on his bull-shit.
4
Sadly, it's too late for CIC because his girlfriend "completely destroyed" his fantasy.
5
There are a couple of other potential issues with CIC. Sounds like they were in their 20s, while this couple is at least 10 years older and wiser. Also, most likely this couple has had more time to cement their bond. They are married rather than just dating, and are most likely much better able to communicate their discomfort or concerns. CIC sounds like he is mismatched with his girlfriend, and wants to have both the steady lady, and all the play time he can get as a single man. Good luck with that dude.
6
:D

:D :D :D

I'm sorry, but that's really all I have to say.
7
Hmm...didn't have a chance to read yesterday's letter until just now. But it occurs to me that if CIC is only willing to rely on explicit verbal cues from his partner as an indication of their comfort level/emotional state...he should probably start dating men.

Anyway, congrats to GGGTW and her husband!
8
The real question this letter poses: is mid-thirties considered young?
9
Nicely done!
10
@8: Yes

(Perhaps I am 35)
11
Typo in the last sentence: "worth the time", not "with the time".
12
Er... or maybe that was intentional.

Anyway, it's nice to hear that some people are having hot sex and good relationships!
13
It was kind of a hot letter.
14
@13

See comment #1.
15
@7 - FTW! This - that CiC should date dudes if he wants to demand that type of verbal clarity - occurred to me while reflecting on a run yesterday.

Honestly, the way it occurred was more like "how would a gay dude like Dan know about this, since he apparently does not date women". But then Dan is empathetic and clue-ful.
16
Guys can definitely do that "say one thing, body language clearly communicates something else" thing just as easily as girls can. I have had several boyfriends who would say "I'm fine" or "Nothing's wrong" when something very clearly was wrong, and they certainly weren't fine. Women have no monopoly on passive communication.
17
@16:
Yes! My father is the king of passive-aggressive!
18
Mazel Tov! But 1, you're crazy. Sexual contentment and good communication are nice to have in your life, but they are not sexy for other people to hear about.
19
@18: YMMV. A woman wrote into Dan a while ago about having a threesome with her current boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend so her ex-boyfriend could show her current boyfriend how to kink out or be a good top or something like that. Dan said he needed to lay down because that scenario was so hot - and I totally agree.

Some people (like me) don't need much inspiration to imagine a sexy scenario filled with people they'd be attracted to. And while I don't find this letter as hot as the other one, it is pretty hot to think of two couples having great sex in the same room...
20
@16, my straight husband does that too. It drives me crazy. And it means that when he really is fine, I end up pestering him like crazy because I no longer believe that he means it. It's a lose lose for everyone.
21
@7: Yeah, I think you got your fatuous stereotypes mixed up. Women are supposed to be all gushy about every little emotion and men are supposed to refuse to talk about it.
22
@20: In man-speak, "I'm fine" has one of two meanings:

a) I'm fine (no, really, I'm fine, but your continued pestering stands a good chance of ruining that)

or

b) I don't want to talk about it.

Both of which boil down to the same thing: "Stop bothering me."

If you don't think you can come to terms with that, divorce him and marry a woman.
23
@21: Learn to say under your breath "YMMV" and get over it.
24
As many have said, men do this all the time too, though I think the motivations are often different for men and women in gender-consistent patterns.

@20: Just take him at his word. Better yet, if he says he's fine but clearly isn't, just say something like, "I'm asking because you are acting like something's bothering you. I'm going to take you at your word and not pester you about it, but if you feel like talking about something that's bothering you, just let me know."

Sometimes, "I'm fine," means, "I'm not fine, but there's nothing you can do about it, and I'm just trying to ignore the problem because there's nothing I can do about it, so I'd rather not bring it up; instead, I want to focus on good things and distractions" sometimes it's, "I'm not fine, but I just want to be left alone right now;" sometimes it means, "I'm not fine, but I don't want to worry you, because then there will just be two of us that are upset;" sometimes it means, "I'm not fine, but I'm afraid if I tell you what's wrong, you're going to judge me poorly;" sometimes it really does mean, "I'm fine," and the worried party is projecting.

In all of these cases, I'm not sure that trying to drag the truth out of the person is really going to be helpful; it's much better to simply provide an opening and re-affirm that one is there to support a partner and make hir feel better, not conduct an interrogation. Second-guessing a partner's stated wishes, preferences, feelings, etc. doesn't seem like a strong basis for a healthy relationship.
25
Avast beat me to it, and much more concisely.
26
@24 John Horstman, I love what you wrote there!

I generally find it intrusive and annoying for someone to ask me, "Are you OK?" If I need assistance, I'll ask for it. Doesn't bother me too much if it's a spouse doing it, as that's a very close relationship.

Once at a family reunion I stood up and walked to the bathroom. While I'm sitting on the toilet, a certain relative (who I believe is a hypochondriac or Münchausen case) knocks on the door with the concerned-toned "Are you OK?" question. WTF, when I'm IN THE BATHROOM, I hold a strong expectation of being left the fuck alone. Super annoying. When I asked why she asked, she said, still in the overly-concerned tone, "You got up so quickly." Um, no, I don't have any illness I can bond with you over - sorry.

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