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Dan, I know you get accusations like this all the time, but you're changing. Five years ago you would've told the guy to do it behind his girlfriend's back if he could be discreet, because hey, no relationship at 16 is going to last your whole life, and you might as well live it up while you're young. You've started cracking down more on infidelity and potential infidelity (to be distinguished from honest non-monogamy, of course).
Good for you. I wonder if it's a product of having given lots more in-person sex advice in the past year, what with Savage U and all.
So even if you have reason to believe your current GF would be fine with this, imagine a time in the future when you are cultivating a different GF. If the prospect of being up-front with her about having sex with another guy (whether or not it was still happening on the side) terrifies you and makes you want to sweep that part of your history under the rug, you shouldn't make the choice to do that at this point in your life.
Society is making progress by leaps and bounds, but we also have to become comfortable with ethical behavior individually, in our own lives and relationships.
He is so dumping her.
Hell i'm against the idea of asking the GF for permission. What if it's just a one time thing and they break up and stay friends? She gets invited to the wedding and come reception time, she's drunk off her ass telling tell-all stories in front of his family and his wife's family...
What a non-sequitur. What does "formal, complete sex education" have to do with this? The list of people I slept with in the past is not going to help a future partner one iota with sex education issues like how to put on a condom, how to take the pill, how to otherwise not get pregnant/not get a disease. The only thing I need to disclose to a prospective partner is whether I currently carry any communicable diseases. and whether I am currently sleeping with anybody else, because that carries risks in both health and emotional terms. My past is not relevant to a prospective partner in the same way that my present is.
The idea that I should not sleep with Person X today because it's possible that I might meet a hypothetical Person Y sometime in the future who would disapprove fairly stinks of slut-shaming.
while we're on the topic of PC-handwringing...
@13: dude, seriously I read some of the shit you write and I wonder if you're some off-the-reservation militant feminist agent provocateur just firing out the most meatheaded missives they can think of. but then I remind myself how trolls are like 99.9% men and just get bummed out.
In addition to Dan's advice, I would ask you to consider your gay friend's perspective. If you say no, please be kind, and tell him it isn't because he's gay but because you are into girls. Tell him he is still your friend, and his request did not ick you out. You are into him as a friend, but not a FWB.
If you DO decide to go for it, and start getting blowjobs from him, understand that he will likely have a completely different view of the situation. You will see it as a convenient way to get blowjobs while you pursue the right girl to settle down with. On the other hand, there is a very real possibility he will fall in love with you. Or at least he'll think he's in love with you, or will fantasize about settling down with you into a relationship much deeper than a FWB. He may not even intend for that to happen. But a gay teenager is very likely to fall in love with someone he is having sex with (yes, blowjobs are sex), whether he intends to or not.
Are you prepared for him to fall in love with you?
Re: sex ed, what I meant is that where it still exists in the middle- or high-school curriculum, it has usually been reduced to the bare minimum of biological facts concerning heterosexual coupling, and the emphasis is on abstinence. There is almost never inclusion of sexual ethics. I'm not saying you have to flop out your logbooks with someone new and compare cockpit hours side-by-side, just that it's the accepted norm to say things like "My last girlfriend and I were close for a few years, but grew apart when we ended up at different schools. It's been awhile since we called it quits," and "I've messed around with a couple of guys on occasion, including my gay best friend since junior high. You'll probably see him at the lake when we go next week" over the course of getting to know a person. I do think you should say more about your history than "I'm not sleeping with anyone now, and I tested clean two weeks ago" or whatever.
Re: your last comment, my point was not that the LW should be afraid that someone ELSE would disapprove, but that HE might feel awkward about it. The guy's 16, in high school, presumably living with his parents. It's great that he's "open-minded," but it's one thing to think about something and another to live it with all its possible consequences within his current social milieu and at his present level of experience, maturity, and self-confidence.
LW, I realize it's probably too late, but for the love of god, DON'T FOLLOW MY ADVICE @13!! It is cheating!!! Even though you're more likely to fall for the porn stars you jack off to on your computer screen than this guy who wants to blow you, you're in a relationship now, you've got people depending on you, you need to put them first! Otherwise, you might find yourself single at age 16, and believe me, that's a tragic place to be.
Perfectly willing to stipulate that I am an old fuddy-duddy.
i know i don't..
..if i could do then what they do now...
Try and look a little past the huge, blinking "FREE BLOWJOBS" sign.
You'd have to know your partner very well to share this sort of thing with them and I don't think that is possible at 16.
Then there is the other guys feelings - he may say FwB but that may not be what he really wants or what he thinks later in the friendship.
I'd say "thanks but right now I am in a relationship and I don't think it would be fair to either of you".
FWB are fine and exploring your boundaries for some good head is fine but if you'd turn into a homophobic jerk if someone found out that wouldn't be fair to your gay friend or gays in general.
If a hetero-girl takes a walk on the wild side in when young it's considered cute, maybe even expected. If a hetero-boy does it still carries a stigma, guys will taunt him and girls will question if they should date him. This boy needs to figure out if he'd care (then don't do it) or if he's mature, modern, and self-confident enough to say "yeah, I got head from my gay friend when I was young and super horny...so what?"
Okay, I suppose I can see that, the idea that one might have one's own regrets down the line. It seems to me that usually the progression is from skeeved-out to "ah, well" acceptance as we age and mature, not the other way around. That, and if the issue is having to live with it within his social milieu, that strikes me as more ammo for keeping it to himself, in that it isn't anybody else's business. There is the fact that it might get out despite him, and that is a reasonable thing to consider wanting to forestall by opting out in the first place.
The reason I'm kind of militant about privacy is that this inability of people to keep their noses out of other people's bedrooms causes all manner of social ills. For one thing, it underlies the whole gay marriage thing. The opponents are busy hollering "Sodomy, sodomy, evil, evil, perverts, perverts!" Practically speaking, there's a very good chance that their heterosexual neighbors are doing the exact same unspeakable acts, but they afford the man-and-woman couple a level of deference in their bedroom privacy that they completely deny to the same-sex couple. They make all sorts of intrusive assumptions about the same-sex couple, and then legislate madly based on what they imagine is going on there. If people minded their own business for gays the same way they mind their own business for straights, this wouldn't be an issue.
goddammit, Callie, now everyone knows!!!
seriously though, whenever anyone tips they're hand on this blog and reveals their age, it usually seems like 35+, which means I am closer to that kid's age than a lot of the other commenters...by years and also sheer maturity (you know it's true) :/
You guys are 30?! Aww that's adorable.
It's kinda like being 16, just slightly less fresh and dewy : )
Enjoy your youth and the weekend... I'm going back to being old now. I remember buying my first CD...in college It was cool to have held out for as long as possible, because you had a huge music collection on vinyl...and it took up a whole wall and weighed a ton..nevermind, you had to have been there.
in fact i don't think i've ever heard of a man being stigmatized by a blow job at any age and i hail from the jurassic one.
I'm not gay either, but if I was this kid (16...not a lot of options. Some of the cuter 16 y/o girls back in my day were a bit frigid. Dating was just about being able to say you had a boyfriend. Don't know if that's changed much. There were the freaks, of course, but they were always on the lower quality side of things....anyways), and my 16 year old girlfriend wasn't giving it up, (he never specifies!) I'd take the blowjobs!...with our without dumping her first! XD
...I'm just sayin'!
I would tell the LW to encourage his friend to find other gay guys who can reciprocate when it comes to mutual sexual attraction. I don't think this would end well and would just lead to akwardness if the crush is really something more than sexual desire.