He has HAS (Hungry Ass Sydrome)? Dude, you're gay. Tell your wife.
Ugh, I hate these kinds of letters! "How do I get this person to do something THEY CLEARLY TOLD ME THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO DO." Uuuuuuuuuugh.
"How do I get my wife to get into something like this?"

You don't! She either comes to it on her own, or she doesn't!
She has no interest in a 3-way with another dude. Did you ask her for a permission slip for a play date (with condoms) with a dude without her?

You are not straight. You are either bi or gay. If you are bi, then it could well be that the price of admission for staying with your wife is that any and all guy-on-guy action you get is in your imagination only. If you cannot be happy with her without some dude on the side, then you either need to renegotiate the terms of your relationship, or you need to come clean with your bi or gayness. Which will probably be the end of your marriage. But really, if you can't be happy with her, then she deserves to find a guy who can.
I disagree with Dan and the other posters. I've had many times that I thought certain activities were off the table, both for myself and for my husband. But by talking regularly about our wants, needs, and expectations, we've both entertained ideas that we considered off limits in the past. I don't think your choices are just 1. wait for her to come around or 2. keep your mouth shut. I think you could ask her, without trying to coerce her, if she would think about it. Explain that you completely understand and have heard her objections in the past, but that you've really enjoyed the pegging and that your curious about "the real thing". I mean, seriously, my wants, needs, and desires have continued to evolve, and I'm well into my 40's. I had no idea I'd be into threesomes, bondage, etc. when I was younger, and I don't think it's fair to expect that you or your partner is able to give a lifetime's worth of full disclosure about sexual wants and needs when we don't always know these things about ourselves until later in life.
Man, Dan, yours is not a job I want. Not with letters like this.
32 year old dude: once you get the dick - and someday you will - you will never be the same. And that could be A Very Good Thing.
@5 i agree except that I think if dan said this, the guy would be onto his wife every single day. and the guy already opened up. so now he waits a few months at least.

@4 yup, he sounds bi all right. a curiosity with anal play is not the same thing as a curiosity about sucking dick! (also bi and gay males exist who have zero interest in anal play)

OR perhaps he thinks "from the woman's perspective" equates with submission / being penetrated and he's into submission.
@6 really? this seems like a tame letter.

the ones that make me think dan's job sucks are the ones that go on-and-on-and-on-and-sob-blah-blah-on.

when he posts one of those i think i'm gonna blow my brains out if i even try to read it, i can't imagine having an inbox filled with hundreds of those every day and feeling obliged to dip into them just enough to figure out if it's worth answering.

i hope dan is successful enough now that he can pay someone to read his mail and just pick the entertaining ones, even skimming the muck must suck
I think the letter writer can ask his wife again, but only if it has been more than 18 months since the last time he asked.

"No" in this case means "not now, definitely not now, and don't keep asking and making me feel like I can never satisfy you"

People can and do change their minds about things, though.
This doesn't sound like a bi or gay guy. This sounds like one of those guys who will eventually start cross-dressing and putting on wigs, if he isn't already. The sissy type. This guy reminds me of Richard Curtis, and the Spokane sex scandal.…

From the above article that you wrote, "Hypothetically, when being penetrated anally by a man, he might imagine himself as a woman being penetrated vaginally by a man. This hypothesis would also be consistent with his statement that he is 'not gay.'" [wrote Anne Lawrence.]

I think this whole letter pointes to this, with the exception of crossdressing. He wants to identify as a female when sucking off guys, not as a male. So, unlike say you, I, or other gay identified people who like to be guys, boys, men, or perhaps even male-identified animals [*ahem*furries*ahem*], we don't want to be women doing guys. We want to be guys doing guys.

At first I was on the same wavelength as your response, but its the third to last sentence that got me.
Much more important than his getting some real dick or not is:


until you've figured out your sexuality, what you are going do about/with it, and your wife is fully informed and has decided to stick with your pegged (and potentially fucked) ass.

I stress this point because each of you will have fears about the marriage possibly ending, and/or the bi/gay dude getting outed and those are powerful motivators for "cementing the deal" by procreating a few new humans, size extra-small.

Very few mixed-orientation marriages stay together long-term. It isn't what she signed up for and it increasingly is not meeting his needs.

Gays can be great parents. Straights can be great parents. A gay and a straight in the same marriage are not so stable unless they both went in with eyes open and/or are exceptionally wise, loving and tolerant of each other.
I love the following statements by the OP:

"I don't have any interest in fucking another guy myself but I do want to be on the receiving end."

Cause, I'm not gay just because I'm acting exactly like a gay bottom.


"I would also like to experience sucking dick and just generally seeing things from the woman's perspective."

Cause, again, I'm not gay, I'm just such a sensitive, feminist male who wants to truly understand my wife's perspective that I'll take one for team and suck some dick.

But I'm not gay, no, not me. I just want to bottom a guy and suck a guy off. Nothing gay about that.
Someone always flames me when I point out that someone who waddles like a gay duck, swims like a gay duck, and wants it up the ass like a gay duck might just, actually, BE a gay duck.

And sure, bi guys exist, yes. And gaydar from 2,000 miles away isn't perfect. But sometimes gaydar from 2,000 miles away is more accurate than what goes through a closet case's own head. Da Nile ain't just a river in Egypt.
Hard to tell if this guy is the male equivalent of Questioning from the previous SLLOTD. He seems to maybe just want threesomes? Not quite the same thing as opening the relationship to figure out who he really is. But he might just be the in-denial version of the same thing.

I have to shake my head at the "gosh, wondering how it would FEEL." Dude, if you are really into the physical feelings, get a nicely detailed anatomical model. Preferably one that vibrates, which, in terms of sheer sensation, has the real thing beat to hell and back, and not nearly as annoying to the wife.
Dear Dan, I want to do X but my wife said no when I asked her about it. Can you give me permission to go out and do it anyway?

Thanks in advance, WTETE
I feel like Dan punted on this a little bit. It *is* Friday afternoon after all. I see two "teachable moments":

1. LW sounds pretty new to kink and, like many new and excited people, is confused about *exactly* what he wants and thinks everything is everything. I had to read many many SLLOTDs and have a lot of conversations with partners before I could clearly and honestly say "I like A, B, and C, but not X, Y, and Z". I hear the LW mixing together subbing, anal play, and orientation into a big bag of "that sounds fun". I'm sure this is confusing as hell for wife. LW needs to talk with wife about exactly what feels good, what's a turn-on, etc., and maybe figure out for *himself* exactly what he wants before he even *thinks* about hitting the streets (or getting hit by them).

2. From the highlighted comment in the GGGocracy SSLOTD (June 6th): "If the guy were more patient [...] and talk with her about it alone in between them, then he might have gotten what he wanted.
I'm sure Dan gets tired of repeating this, but here goes:

Bad/ineffective/assholeish conversation:
"I want this."
"I don't."

Good conversation:
"I'm interested in this. Here's why. I'm not necessarily asking for this now, but I want to share my desires/fantasies with you. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Maybe in the future we can talk about some of these things actually happening, but right now let's just talk about the fact that they turn me on."
This letter points out the constraints of the one-dimensional gay-straight dichotomy. I don't thing the writer is bi, exactly. He's into dicks, not guys. To me, being gay, or bi, means wanting to have sex with men. WTETE wants to have sex with penises, and be feminized, which is a different thing. It's not exactly straight, but a bit like the straight guy who would be into cross-dressing and getting fucked by a M-to-F transgender pal. Not exactly a gay fantasy.
WTETE never identifies as straight. Sure, he proclaims his enduring love of women, but he never says "I'm a straight man who wants to get fucked up the ass with a real dick attached to a real man". I'm pretty sure that he realizes that he's bi.

I'm willing to bet that the wife is well aware that he's bi, and none to thrilled about it. Wives who don't have an inkling that their husband could happily play for either team do not lay down the OK I'll peg you but no fucking men card. Those women do not even realize that card is in the deck.

The thing that I find galling in this is the wanting to see things from the woman's perspective. How stereotypical is that? Being penetrated, sucking dick, these are women's perspectives? What other women's persepectives can we generalize here? Does he want to lie prone and silent? Does he want to decline sex, pleading a headache? How about if he scrubs the toilet, from a woman's perspective?
The dude is probably bi and only now figuring it out.

Straight guys want to put their dicks into tight, moist cavities and can close their eyes and fantasize that a guy's ass or mouth is a woman's ass, mouth or vagina (and, yes, objectify women). On the other hand, wanting someone else's dick in your ass or mouth would put you in the gay/bi category.

And what about pegging? Well, it feels good as long as your female partner has a strong connection with you. I doubt many straight guys engage in pegging with hook-up partners.
If only I could get my SO to even consider the idea of pegging (never even dated, or perhaps met, a girl who wouldn't run for the hills at the idea). The letter-writer needs to realize he has it pretty good as is!
@10, you nailed it. Willing to bet money he'd dress for the guy.
@10, @18 -- yeah, could be this too. Definitely, assuming he's honest, he doesn't pigeonhole well into gay or bi now that I think about it, but he is clearly not just straight into anal play, even if he started out that way now it's something else.

@Dan on all your recent Obama posts (not on this particular LW): Yes Obama is better than the alternatives but his done kill policy is IMMORAL and very stupid (breeds terrorism). Freaky scary that Obama & Romney are indistinguishable on this. Time for you media types to make some noise! Help him evolve!
I hope he cleaned and sterilized her toys properly before and after putting them in his ass.
According to the LW, the wife said she doesn't want other men involved because "that doesn't do it for her," i.e., it's not a turn-on for her. So she doesn't want to watch him get with other guys or hear all the details later. But that doesn't necessarily mean she'll never give permission for him to do these things on his own, or with her in the next room, or some other arrangement. Her position is a little unclear. So the LW should have a delicate, respectful, compassionate conversation with his wife about this to find out precisely why she initially said no and where, if anywhere, she might be willing to compromise on this.

And if being treated like a woman (whatever that means in the LW's mind) is his primary interest, there are other ways to experiment besides jumping on a dick.
He could take a 30% pay cut, for example.
Gah, when I see a bunch of people jumping straight to gay because a man who fucks women has the temerity to admit he'd also like to fuck guys I admit I understand the prickly bi folks much better.

Could he be a repressed gay guy just taking his first steps? Yeah, but his letter gives no indication of that. For now the data supports him being bi. I do agree with the part of @12s statement to not have kids for now. Obviously the LW is not yet clear on his sexuality, and both he and his wife need to make sure they're ok with the new situation before including babies in the matter.

In addition to figuring out and accepting his orientation (ps: if a man is fucking you, you are fucking a man. Or did your wife never fuck a man before she pegged you?) he needs to understand the words coming out of his wife's mouth. She said no. That means that if you want to stay with her no dick for you, at least for now. Let a little time pass and then gently re-visit the topic further down the line. If you bring it up at once you'll only confirm what is undoubtedly a worry in the back of her head; that nothing will ever be enough and that eventually you'll just leave her for a man anyway.
@17 yes.

"She says it's all OK so long as it doesn't get to the point of actually involving another male because she says that doesn't do it for her."

To me, "it's all OK" might include the possibility of fantasizing about men while in bed together. If he can increase their focus on the kind of sex or fantasies that she loves two-thirds of the time, and then one-sixth of the time talk about how sexy it would be to take hot man meat up his ass, (and make sure she's very aroused and has multiple orgasms in those sessions as well...) (The remaining sixth of the time can just be fun vanilla sex that relaxes both of them....) That kind of fantasy talk can actually create arousal around an idea that didn't seem like a turn-on at the beginning.

On the gaydar issue, I think if he loves her tits and ass and hasn't been fantasizing all along that she's a guy (and only he knows the answer to that), then they aren't necessarily headed to divorce.
@11 re greedy men...

I think it is possible to see the upside as well as the downside of a greedy sex partner. Over decades, sex with a non-greedy partner is more likely to get routine. Having a loving, thoughtful, talented partner who is willing to own his or her desires can keep things interesting, even if it is certainly challenging to keep up with someone whose sexual desires change over time.
My reading is the same as #10s/TheMisanthrope. This guy is on the trans spectrum OR (note the "OR", folks) has autogynephilia. More generally, I can't say I'm a fan of the "having sex like a woman" trope, whereby some folks raised male think women are always receptacles for the penii, happy to give BJs left and right. PUHleaze.
#8 - you silly little presumptuous queen. otherwise I agree with you entirely. have a lovely.
@28 EricaP, I think you brought a genuinely different perspective in ... it's not just patience on his part. If he meets her needs well (including the need to have her needs met), he can link her pleasure to his desire. It doesn't always work, but it's actually something to try.

She sounds GGG ... and that's a good start.
dude sounds straight to me. Lots of straight guys are turned on by the idea of "switching roles" and servicing other men. That doesn't mean they're attracted to ACTUAL, INDIVIDUAL men. If this guy said "I can't stop thinking about the cute barista on my block" then we'd have a case for teh gay, or at least teh bi. But he's fantasizing about being made to serve some anonymous, faceless man, while his primary orientation seems to remain with women. I'd round that out to straight.
@30 That sounds likeliest to me, too. Very important to emphasize the "OR", as the two conditions can be very easily confused since the most obvious symptom(s) are more-or-less the same (especially to the casual observer), but the conditions are VERY different, and mistaking the latter for the former can easily lead to tragic consequences.

I believe you once referred to this BS as "bullshit breeder faux-kink"
oh.... oops. I meant to post this in the cosmo advice thread
@6 Exactly. Once you get a dick in your ass, you're not the same. Believe me, I had this same scenario play out, but I kept my business to myself, found a really cool dude (also married), and together we privately explored this. In fact, we fucked the hell out of each other. It went on for a couple months, and then stopped. I realized like some other people have said here, it was more about me wanting to experience sexual pleasure from being penetrated, and had nothing to do with *who* was doing the penetrating, just only *what* was penetrating me. It's something my wife anatomically couldn't do, I wasn't willing to open the can of worms with her, and found someone who felt the same, and kept it on the DL. Neither of us pursue this anymore, we're still friends and laugh about it in jest from time to time.

But the important thing here isn't exactly monogamy, which I'm sure everyone will hate on me for breaking the traditional confines of, it's your sexual pleasure — and your choice to explore something. Sexuality is shared and its personal, and for our society to say that in a committed relationship you completely give up your own personal entitlement to privately exploring what feels good (or bad) to your body is ridiculous. I guess I'm lucky because I didn't fallin love, and didn't want a relationship, I just wanted to get fucked.

So if you keep it safe, and it really is just about fucking — I say go for it. It's a world of pleasure to related to another man like that, and something every man should experience as part of a normal, deeply positive and personal part of his own sexual journey.

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