Dear Dan:

Straight, kinky, feisty female redhead here! I have a question about B&D... My new friend and I are quite into being tied up, collared, slapped, spanked, immobilized, release refusal and get full into the Dom and Sub roles respectively. I’m usually the sub (hottttttttt!) but 25% of the time, I do get to be in charge (hotttttttttttt!). My friend and I have discussed what our boundaries are, what we’re into, the “safe” word, and we do check in on each other enough throughout the role play to ensure we’re both okay. Basically, all is good there. I just left a 9 year, super vanilla relationship but have always had a kinky side I’ve known about since I was a teenager. Now, I’m 28 and have found someone who actually enjoys this kinda stuff! Alas, I am 28, and have had nothing but missionary for the last 9 years, and I guess I am not familiar with the proper protocols.

Here’s the issue: actual intercourse. I’ve spoken with him about it (before we start anything). I’ve told him that when he’s grinding on top of me and forcing me down with his weight that I want to be penetrated deeply and really hard. I’ve brought this up a few times now, but every time I beg my Master to fuck me, or I tell my slave to fuck me, 99.99% of the time he will go down on me and make me cum instead of actually fucking me. (Yeah, I know, poor me... my Dom can’t get enough of my pussy with his awesome mouth). Even when I am in the Dom role and I command him to actually fuck me, he somehow mentally overpowers me and makes me sit on his face (hotttttttttt!)—even when I have a gag in his mouth!! Because I’m just rediscovering my kinks, I am wondering is there is some sort of unspoken rule about penetration while in the Dom/sub roles I am not aware of? I’ve tried researching this but cannot seem to find anything. We’ve fucked before while in roleplay, but just once. Our “sessions” usually last on average 5 hours (hotttttttttt!) and he cums at least 4 times and is always able to get back in the mood within about 5 minutes of cumming and he makes me cum at least half a dozen times—so I know that getting it up for me isn’t the issue. I just want to get fucked! Am I missing something?

Less Face More Fuck

My response after the jump...

Dear Less Face More Fuck:

It sounds like you’ve found someone who you really click with and you’re finally doing some of the kinky things you’ve always wanted to do, so congrats. Your problem has absolutely nothing to do with B&D or Dominance and submission. There are no secret BDSM protocols about penetration or intercourse. There could be so many reasons why he is avoiding intercourse: he doesn’t like it, he has performance anxiety about it, he has erection problems, he prefers to do BDSM without it, he likes oral sex more, he can’t come that way, or something else. And all of those reasons are totally normal. But the bottom line is this: your friend is not fucking you the way you want to be fucked. What about fucking you with his hand or a dildo? Would both of you be up for penetration that isn’t penis-in-vagina intercourse? Would that fulfill your desire to be “penetrated deeply and really hard”?

The only way you are going to get to the bottom of this is to talk to him about what’s going on. Depending on what he reveals, you may be able to work out a way to have intercourse that doesn’t give him fear or anxiety. If, after directly addressing it with him, he tells you he simply can’t or won’t have intercourse with you, then you have to make a decision: give up this great kinky partner or give up the intercourse. Luckily, if you choose the later, it sounds like you will still have satisfying, orgasmic sex.