Rob McKenna didn't write this.

Honestly, guys, this is like the third time this week. I lay my car keys down on the edge of my desk, and the next moment they're gone. It was funny, like, the first hundred times somebody moved them, but I've had enough bad jokes for one day.

I'd just keep my keys in my pocket, but I don't, because you know how sensitive my skin is, so what the fuck?