Hi Dan! I love reading your column. Thank you for being the wonderful resource that you are, because I now have need of your advice!

My boyfriend recently told me that he has what is referred to as a lift/carry fetish. Specifically, he fantasizes about me giving him piggy-back rides. I would love to be able to satisfy his desires; he tends to be pretty reserved and undemanding, so I was ECSTATIC that he was able to tell me about this. But our size difference makes the idea a little terrifying (me: 5'5", 160 lb; him: 6'2", 200 lb). Additionally, I have a history of back problems. What's a girl to do? Google has been surprisingly unhelpful, so I was hoping you had an expert or two up your sleeve who could give me an activity that would tickle his fetish boner while keeping me out of the emergency room.

Lacking Info For Terrific Erotic Rumble

My response after the jump...


Let me respond first to the "Fake! Brigade: Yes, "lift/carry" is a real fetish. It's #1 on Buzzfeed's list of "Unlikely Sexual Fetishes." Which means someone, somewhere is jerking off to this clip right now:

Of course lift/carry being a real fetish isn't proof that LIFTER here sent me a real question. This letter could be a fake. They could all be fakes. But every question that makes the column and/or SLLOTD is just a really good hypothetical to every reader save one. The possibility that a letter is a fake doesn't keep me up nights, dear readers, and it shouldn't keep you up nights either.

Okay, LIFTER, let's give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and assume that he's actually got a lift/carry fetish and that he's not, say, a girlfriend-on-the-floor-writhing-in-excruciating-back-pain fetishist. I'm sorry to say that you're not going to be able to help him out regardless. Unless he would be satisfied with you installing some hooks in your ceiling, putting him in a harness (like this one), hoisting him up in the air and then slipping under him—which would allow you to bear some of his weight but not all of it—this isn't a need that you can safely meet for him.

So why not outsource it?

Since a lift/carry fetish doesn't require the exchange of bodily fluids—since it can safely be indulged fully clothed—you can arrange for a bigger, taller, stronger, sturdier chick to come over and lift/carry your boyfriend for you on your command. Then after all the scorching hot lifting and carrying action is over, LIFTER, your designated lifter can take off and your horny/grateful boyfriend can erotically rumble the shit out of you.