? I feel robbed. No photo
This is one where a follow-up letter is a must.
@1: You're kidding, right? He's only out to his wife. What if everyone in the world saw his picture?

That said, I was going to mention that it would at least be nice to know where he lives. I'd volunteer and all (being an out, self-actualized and experienced bi guy), but I'm not travelling across the country, no matter how hot the twink is.
Having sex with a hot twink might help, but he really should be getting therapy. He seems to have a lot of shame and problems accepting himself, and that's an issue regardless of how it is affecting his sex life. I think he'd be happier if he could accept himself, and having sex might help with that, but I think a bit of outside professional help would be beneficial as well.
There are enough identities and ideologies in the world already whose practitioners keep having internal You're Doing It Wrong fights; one could consider it almost noble of Mr Savage to deflect potential criticism to himself.

The second part of the response was superb, the sort of answer that suggests the mysterious Fine Italian Hand behind it. My felicitations.
You know, as an out, bisexual dude I really have to say it's not that unusual to want to fuck other dudes purely for sex just in the same way that it's not that unusual for a straight attached dude to want to fuck other girls purely for sex.

If someone tried to argue, "I am incapable of feeling love or other strong emotions for people of the same gender whom I enjoy fucking but DO feel love or other strong emotions for girls exclusively," well, then they would be the kind of person your readers freak out about. But who says that?
@6 Um as a gay guy I've had that said to me, other gay guys I know have heard similar. After the first time bi-guys who don't want relationships with gay guys are easy to sniff out, and often damn good fucks.

Re-read the first half of Dan's answer he address all that. Including that some bi-guys are into relationships with gay guys.

We are talking about SEX here shouldn't you leave all that "purity" shit at the door? "Purity" about what it means to be gay, christian, straight, jewish, bi, islamic, female, hindu, male, buddhist, and on and on, at the door. Its sex and relationships we are talking about, leave all the PURITY shit at the door, people are messy.
Ditto Dan re: bi's. It's damn annoying to hear from a 'bi' dude- "I love to fuck dudes, but man, I could only ever LOVE a woman", ie: taking the easy road to straightville. Same goes for 'bi' women who say they love another woman, only to jump back on a dick in a couple months because it's easier to blend with the crowd.
I never hear bi guys say "I love to fuck women, but man, I could only ever LOVE another dude".
Then the bisexuals all scream foul when anyone complains.
Bi woman here who enjoys dick but is only romantically attracted to women.

Look, each bi person is an individual. Why generalise? As for "screaming foul", I only get annoyed when people act like all (or at least most) bisexual people react the exact same way to things.
I figure I'm guilty of "biphobia." I run away from openly bi guys, barely-closeted bi guys, closet cases who might be bi guys, etc, as quickly as I can. The last thing I want is to get emotionally involved with someone who has made the devil's bargain with themselves that sex with men is fine but emotional fulfillment isn't. Bisexual guys have no one but other bisexual guys to blame for reticence on the part of gay men.
I always found the line of bisexuals that they want just sexual and not any kind of proper relationship with guys extremely offensive, insulting and pathetic.

So, they can fuck off as far as I'm concerned.
'I never hear bi guys say "I love to fuck women, but man, I could only ever LOVE another dude".'

actually, #8 that is precisely where i am and have been for 10 years plus. i seem incapable of loving a woman in any meaningful way, but find myself in staring dreamy eyed at dudes on date two.

i have come to the conclusion i'm a gay dude that sleeps with women out of habit and availability, i should say did; that isn't fair to anyone. i basically abstain currently.

i don't see any legit reason the opposite couldn't be true.
Most bisexuals are closeted gays anyway, just like Dan was.
There is a reason why people think bisexuality doesn't exist.

@8: So i'm currently a bi woman in a monogamous long-term relationship with another chick. before that i was a bi woman in mostly monogamish (ok, fine, I was cheating on some of them) shorter or longer relationships with dudes. And with some of these dudes and maybe even with this chick their biggest incomprehensible (for me) fear is that I should leave them for the other sex. Why is that worse that I should leave someone for the other sex? I understand that you can't really control your fears and emotions but why is it even logically (at least to some people) somehow better to jump from pussy to pussy and dick to dick than from pussy to dick to pussy again?
That's how being bi works for me - I have been with my chick for four years now, I haven't had any dick for that long and I sometimes fantasize about that. But I watch mostly lesbian porn. But then I read gay slash (lots of dick there). Should my relationship end I might get reaquainted with dick again.

Or I am just a CPOS that if I crave the genitals I'm no getting from my current relationship I'm gonna outsource them to scratch that itch because I haven't had any luck finding partners who are open to monogamish or open relationships.
HMTASFACB - @4 is right. Plus a rarity, a non-troll unregistered comment!

Your hus would benefit from therapy as he has many issues to figure out -- not so much being bi, but the guilt & shame stuff.

And there is a chance he's so guilty / afraid because he's actually gay or is shifting more gay than before. See Lisa Diamond's research on sexual fluidity -- some people's orientations shift, not by choice, but with time. She studied women but it might happen for a few men too. If so, he might shift back. If you can live with that and enjoy being friends living together, no reason to break up. If you can't, then it wasn't forever but you had some good years, and you're both young. Good luck!
@10 -- gay gay who runs screaming from bi guys only into sex: OK, so you didn't say you "run screaming," just "run."

Well, you'll never meet the bi guys into loving men, will you? And you contribute to bi guys mostly into men keeping quiet about also liking women.

And, gee, some people, all orientations / genders, are only into sex / no LTRs. There are some commitment-phobic sex-only out gay guys.
In a perfect world whenever any two [or more] people hook up, all parties would be clear about whether sex and/or love are on the table. Too bad we don't live in that world.

I agree that therapy [individual or couples] would be really helpful. Also a good queer bar, or other generally queer social space that he and she can go to together could help to normalize his anormative identity.

Oh, Falcor, so sad.

Also, Dan was pretty right on.

Also Also, no pictures?!
@HMTASFACB I'm also a woman married to a bisexual man. When my husband was a bit younger than your husband's age, he came out to me. We're both 34 now and have been together for 10 years, married for nearly seven.

You're already doing the best things you can be doing as his wife: being supportive and accepting of his sexual orientation and encouraging him to explore this part of himself. With my support and also therapy, my husband went from not knowing what his sexual orientation means for his life to having had same-sex sexual experiences (with my foreknowledge and blessing), confidently coming out as bi to his family and friends, and being part of a local bisexual social group. My husband also identifies as genderqueer and has begun expressing that part of himself openly as well.

What made a difference for him in getting this all sorted out was thinking of our toddler son: whatever sexual orientation and/or gender identity our son identifies with, we want our son to be content with himself. That means his dad has to be content with these aspects of himself too.

I'd be very happy to chat with you about this stuff more if you like. Cheers.
For the love of God, Dan, stop bringing up every letter that supports a badly-worded comment you made sometime in the past that upset somebody as evidence that nobody has a right to be pissed off at you, ever, amen. I've been reading your columns and letters for years, and you most definitely started out as a person saying "people with the capability to fall in love with people of more than one gender are the exception, not the rule". (I'd go dig up the letter where you said this in pretty much as many words, but I honestly don't have time. Maybe later.)

That's an unfair and unsubstantiated generalisation, and while I'm sure your heart was in the right place I honestly don't think that years later you should still be posting rants about how you got slapped with a reputation for being biphobic. It comes off as self-serving and whiny, and it helps your case precisely none.

(For the record, not that it should matter, I am saying this as a lesbian who is not romantically interested in dudes, never has been, and has never been sexually curious enough to want to do anything about it. But I'm just one human. There are billions of 'em out there, and they all function differently, and each group contains a subset of jerks whose jerkishness is sometimes projected onto other members of the group. THIS IS NOT NEWS. STOP IT.)
@ 8 - What do you mean by "scream foul?" Do you mean say "Excuse me, but that's not the way that I feel" or do you mean something else? Because that's not the way that I feel. When I was younger I got butterflies in my stomach around women and men. But I married a man, so I guess that means that I "jumped on a dick" too. Does it mean that I am not attracted to the people I am attracted to? Does that invalidate who I am?

Look, this whole thing can be reuced to a simple numbers game.

Homosexual women are only attracted to other women. That means 100% of their potential partners are women who are attracted to women.

Heterosexual women are only attracted to men. That means 100% of their potential partners are men who are attracted to women.

Bisexual women are attracted to women and men. If we use the most generous estimates of what percent of the population is homosexual, that means that roughly 15% of our potential partners are women attracted to women and roughly 85% of our potential partners are men attracted to women.

Of course, add to that the fact that there are some lesbians who won't persue a relationship with a bi girl because she is "only [going] to jump back on a dick in a couple months" and you have one helluva self fulfilling prophecy on your hands.

But hey, as long as you get to be right, right?

I will say this, though: those bi folks Dan likes to mention, the ones who "fall in love with people, not genitalia?" Yeah, they piss me right the fuck off, too. That's a rude, horrible, dismissive thing to say. In fact, it's right up there with putting another person's sexuality in quotation marks.
Hey, HMTASFACB, if you guys are in the New England area, this twink will gladly help you and your twinky husband out.
I keep coming back to this line from the letter: "he feels bad for wanting to cheat on me."

She's commnicating with him about it, is open to being open, and supporting his desire to go git some. How is that cheating? Getting past that hangup, frankly, might help with getting past some of the others.
Dan-- What happened to your old advice of "hire an escort?" I thought it was sort of boilerplate.

The couple could look through Renboy together... that in itself would be good for a few months of hot sex after browsing. Eventually, bi husband could find the perfect dick attached to the perfect guy.

First "date", no penetration. Wife holds bi husband and plays with his body. Escort lets bi husband jack him off until he blows on husband's chest.

Escort leaves. Husband goes into post-orgasmic emotional hole for a few days, then gets horny again. Repeat. Each time, the bad post-coital feelings mellow out. Eventually, hes ready to stop with the escorts and actually find a guy.
@20 So yes.

@23 So no.

@24 So hot.
And for the record: I fall in love with genitals, not people.
What city? Hot twink in New Orleans here
@26, are you in love with a dick? Or are you in love with being in love with a dick?
@23, if a single person is not living or having sex with another person, are they neither gay nor straight? I identify as bi even though I'm married to a guy, because I feel attracted to and dream about women as well as men. If I were not married, and I felt attracted to and dreamed about men, wouldn't you call me straight?
I cant believe it took 20 comments for someone to agree to fuck him.
Uh, @23, that's not what I meant at all. I'm bi no matter who I'm fucking, I don't magically change orientation all the time.
Sounds interesting if they're in Louisiana. There's a few of us gays who enjoy helping untie these kinds of knots.
@22: Perhaps he wants her to have nothing to do with it? There's definitely some crossed wires going on here and he needs to know what's going on with himself before he can properly explain it to her.
I always make sure to express from the get-go that I am interested in women as friends and potentially sex partners, not as romantic partners. It seems like this really should be common sense and empathy.

On the other hand...sometimes I wonder if it might not be a good idea to develop some kind of short hand to differentiate between those (rarer) bisexuals who are actually 50/50. I've been trying to coin the phrase "heteroqueer" to refer to people like myself and my husband, but it hasn't caught on, yet.
@20 - i don't think you can deduce the potential partners from someones orientation. i'm female bodied, but mostly attract 'str8-identified' women, and 'gay-identified' men....

and... for the record... i'm female, genderqueer; with one long-term male friend/lover, one long-term female friend/lover (both nearly two decades), and two kids. i'm mostly into women, and the occasional gay guy. i don't like to fall in love with anyone, ever. not because i have commitment issues(see above), but because i can't see the point. and it just looks like a mental health issue to me.
i don't identify as 'bi', partly because biology really isn't something i even consider when it comes to sexual partners - are they a good friend is more important... and partly because of the 'potential partners' assumptions that people make when one uses that term. as @20 did. my observation, in new zealand, is that there is a hetero-associated bi demographic, and a queer-community bi demographic (who you prob don't know are bi unless you ask...) and the two almost never meet. both are largely invisible, but both are in their appropriate cultural position, and tend to function according to the social expectations of that group.
So where is the couple, Dan? I might be interested in helping out if they're in NYC. You know, because I'm that magnanimous. Not that they'd have any trouble finding a hot twink who wants to sleep with a married guy here...
This letter made me sad. The husband is a mess but I'm sorry, being a mess doesn't mean you get to drop the Bi-bomb AFTER getting married without a smack upside the head. *boop*, ok that's done. Please get some therapy dude, accepting yourself and feeling comfortable with your desires is not only for straight/vanilla/beautiful/whatever people. You deserve to feel good about yourself. Whatever you do though--keep in mind Dan is right--you won the partner lottery with your wife, don't fuck her over.
I'm in awe of the LW, her confidence and selfless support of her husband are amazing.
If you're in the Ohio area, or want to pay for a weekend flight, this hot twink will help out.

Perhaps his job as a megachurch pastor is getting in the way of exploring his identity?

~ducks the flying shoes~
@4 suggested therapy for the husband, and I was thinking the same thing might be helpful but perhaps I am coming from a different direction.

I hope it isn't an etiquette breach, but I wonder about the circumstances under which the husband lost his virginity at age 13. That was his only experience with a man, and this seems bound up in his shame and self-loathing issues.

Perhaps there is some trauma there that might need to be resolved en route to a more healthy outlook and sexuality?
Hi I'm "the bi guy" (from Seattle for those of you who asked). Thanks everybody for your comments and Dan for posting my wife’s letter. I actually wasn't going to read this because I’m on an "I need to be straight kick" but my wife said there was a lot of comments, and I need to read them over. First off, sorry about starting a rant by saying “my attraction to guys was purely sexual” I didn’t mean that I was incapable of loving another guy, I simply meant that she was completely meeting all of my emotional needs. Although I can’t imagine myself dating a guy even if we weren’t together, but maybe that’s because I am so uncomfortable with that part of me like Dan said. So Dan, Yes I agree I’m probably a mess for being so conflicted with myself. And yes I know I won the sex love lottery with my wife, she is without a doubt my favorite person in the world. And I am extremely lucky that I ended up with her as she is the only person I know who is accepting of gay people. I didn’t really know that about her until after we were married, and @37 I know it was messed up to keep the fact that I’m bi a secret from her and then come out after we were married but I was really hoping I would finally be able to kick “the gay in me” after we got married because with a little restraint I was able to keep my jerks and thoughts mostly straight from the time I proposed. I fully intended on taking this secret to the grave until I discovered how accepting of this she was – She actually got in a really heated argument with her brother about how “being gay is not a choice” shortly before I came out to her.
So to dive into my mess, firstly I hope that I’m not coming off as a homophobe because I honestly don’t care at all that people are gay I’m all about live and let live, I just feel guilty that I am. Growing up god fearing has made me think that my attraction was something to be ashamed of, and I know my family and friends would disapprove if they knew. But on top of my religious hang-ups I feel guilty for having a sexual desire outside our marriage because I’ve always thought marriage was a commitment to monogamy. I am also afraid that even though she is supporting me exploring my gay side, there may be resentment from her later on, and I wouldn’t want to do anything that could hurt her or our marriage. And I couldn’t even the fields by having an open marriage – while I’m totally comfortable with the idea of her fooling around with a girl, I think I would die if she ever did with another guy. And since she is completely hetero, being with a girl wouldn’t be an option… (I’m not interested in fooling around with any other girls.)
I have always been attracted to both sexes sometimes equally and sometimes more one way than the other. My problem is I never really got to experiment with guys before we were together because I was so sure that it was sinful and ever since we got married whenever I’m on a gay kick it freaks me out that I’ll never get the chance to explore that side of me. So really I’m wondering if fooling around with guys will cure my freakouts and make me more comfortable with who I am? Is it worth the possible risks? Can I just bury my desires and hope they go away?

Thanks for all the advice so far.

@41, hope the *boop* didn't sting too much. You really seem to be struggling with a lot right now. Some of it I can relate to. It isn't the same thing obviously but I'm overweight, I have been my whole life and the shame and self-loathing I felt (and sometimes still do) crippled me for a long time in certain social arenas--particularly sexual ones. It's taken me a long time and some serious digging in therapy to be able to throw on a dress and some heels and feel beautiful as I AM as opposed to how I'm "supposed" to be.

I think you're in a good place to start working through the questions you're asking. You have a supportive partner and you're opening your mind to the possibility that there is another way to look at your bisexuality. Keep your mind and heart open and know that there are lots and lots of people who will accept you for who you are.

PS. I know Dan recommended jumping into the mix but I think that really depends on what you're ready for. In the meantime there are lots of websites where a hot guy should be able to explore the possibilities from the safety of his laptop :)

Whoops, didn't know it would post after I signed in, before I'd had a chance to edit.

@41, I'm also a bisexual who grew up in a religious community (pastor's daughter, actually). You haven't said whether you're still religious or not -- I realized (consciously) that I was bisexual after I stopped believing in God, so that was lucky for me. However, I still have vestiges of the shame/taboo leftover; I often have upsetting dreams about my parents disapproving of my bisexuality, and also have a fetish for the idea of sex outside my relationship (though I've never cheated).

Anyway, I've found that channeling the whole shame/taboo thing in a sexual context (e.g. having your wife "punish" you for thinking about men while you're fucking) can be cathartic, as long as you keep in mind that rationally you have nothing to be ashamed of, and of course as long as you know that she doesn't actually think that. Just a suggestion. Might help you work through some of those issues.

Please wait...

Comments are closed.

Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.

Add a comment

By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.