Fellow (former) Catholic boy here. You've gotten lots of good advice, but I will add this one piece: next time they come at you with "it's a choice to ACT on your feelings," compare it to handedness. Ask them to try - just for a day - using their non-dominant hand to do important tasks. If they are right-handed (like the vast majority of people are), ask them to try writing left-handed, chopping vegetables left-handed, etc. Let them experience just how difficult it is to go against what feels natural to them!

Watch Queer as Folk. Learn from the character named Brian. Those of us naturally like that, live happier lives.

Watch Queer as Folk. Learn from the character named Brian. Those of us naturally like that, live happier lives.

Hey there, Me. Just reading your letter now hope you're still reading comments.

Very worried about you if you ever get drunk, which of course will be every week if you're like most 16 year olds and once in a while even if you were like me and are a would-never-drink-ever-in-million-years boy.

I'm a mental health professional among other things and fortunately never had to deal with the whole religious angle, but I did deal with rejecting parents (more dad than mom) when I first came out, a dad who said almost exactly the same things yours said.

Both personally and professionally, your "just don't want to be in this life" sentence worries me the most. Maybe you mean in this life as in your parents and how they are treating you, no problem; maybe you mean in this life as in in being alive.

So a lot of this long reply is in case you mean it like I think it might sound.

Dark thoughts that seem utterly and entirely manageable or even non-existant 99% of the time can zoom into into try-to-kill-yourself shit late at night, especially when you get drunk, which will happen at some point even if usually you never drink.

Been there done that, professionally and long ago personally.

So, in addition to the Trevor Project helpline which is 24/7 given by Aaron and includes suicide prevention (866-488-7386), also put the national 24/7 suicide prevention hotline in contacts: 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE). Just in case. And stay off the booze if it's a night that's been bleak!

Regardless, I repeat everything Dan said and his friend Aaron said. PLUS... don't be afraid to stonewall (so to speak :-) your parents a bit if it means them paying for college, college is expensive and if it's in your future you deserve their support financially.

Go to college in a big city that's gay friendly and don't lie but don't be afraid to keep getting their support. If you don't have money / grades for a good private school, look at a state or city school in a big city that has easy state residency requirements then establish in-state tuition residency.

Do the "parental ultimatum" thing Dan recommends in other blogs AFTER college, just like Dan recommends. Years from now, after college, tell the parents you're giving them a year and if they don't accept you that's it you're cutting them off. Through high school and college, live your life, as soon as you finish high school if they haven't come around, away from their home, but keep getting their financial support without guilt. It's much easier to finish college and get a good start on life with some $ help from the parents. My religious clients can carry a lot of guilt, it's BS. (You mentioned you're "home from school" in a way that suggests boarding school or private school rather than just school being out -- some schools can be really shitty and homophobic, especially high schools, so I hope you're not having to deal with that. If you are, come out on your own terms and if you can't and school is dangerous for you, think of a transfer if it's possible.)

Back to now: it gets better is great -- but, it's a bit upbeat, life actually isn't continuously better and at least for me, getting to my 20s when it finally did get better took a terribly long time when I was 16. Specifically, 25% of my entire life-to-date, and closer to half of my post-puberty life.

I say this not to discourage you, but to inoculate you -- at times life might actually get worse or seem to take an eternity to get better -- relationships are tough, boyfriends can be terrible, high school miserable, first jobs usually suck, co workers stay petty even when you're old, college can be hard. People are often shallow and cruel, including yourself.

At times throughout life, happiness can get (temporarily) further away. But it is only temporarily. For me when I was 16, and for many adolescents / young adults, there weren't yet many good years to compare things with, and a bad month was such a huge % of life it felt like forever.

The two things that definitely are guaranteed to get better the longer you live: (1) the shorter a bad week/month is as a % of what you've experienced, (2) the more breathtakingly amazing good experiences you will cumulatively have had and be able to look back and look forward to once again.

Lastly, professional help (gay-friendly therapy) can be great, especially if the "don't want to be in this life" thoughts are of the dark kind, and "sad all the time" gets unrelenting. People don't always click with a therapist, it's important to have a good match and keep trying if at first you don't. I also hope you can find supportive people your age and who have similar religious beliefs, who are in similar circumstances to you -- from the resources Aaron suggested online. While I'm utterly not religious myself, many people who are strong believers find gay-affirmative faith traditions that let them keep up with the parts of their faith that have value for them. Lastly, many kudos to you for your courage and strength, you are already more resilient by far than I was at 16.

@90

Sorry I missed the humor there, and relieved to know that you don't really think KiP is a troll.

Like you, Me, my mother brought the subject up when I was a teenager.

I was 19, in college, not at home. It was 1970. I had left a copy of Jean Genet's A Thief's Journal on the living room coffee table -- not entirely by mistake. So I confirmed my gayness. Mom said I still love you but you are sick and you need help. In fact, this was a couple years before Gayness was no longer officially a sickness.

I said, "I'm not sick, and as long as you think that way, we're not going to talk about it."

I'm pretty sure she was slightly relieved, and we did not talk about it for quite a long time. As the culture moved toward acceptance, so did Mom. But no faster than that. Eventually she came to see that an out gay life had more integrity than ruining the life of an innocent straight woman who a closeted man might have made his wife.

Be as honest as you can SAFELY, live your own life, and let the parents come around when they can.

And... Don't let the Xians rob you of your feeling for the Divine if you have that. A stupid version of Xianity is not the only approach to God. And some other religions have more varied attitudes. Don't let the terrorists win.

M,

There was an amazing documentary released in 2009 that might help you address this issue with your parents. It's called Fish Out of Water and you can stream it from Netflix or buy it for $12 on Amazon. Here's a quote from the director about how she began the research for her documentary:

"I drove around Nashville and talked to preachers about what the Bible says about homosexuality. And one after the other told me the Bible had been grossly misinterpreted on this issue. Over the course of three weeks, I learned more about theology, Biblical language translation, and the ministry of Jesus than I had in twelve years of Sunday school."

And one from the editorial review:

"This genre-bending, intellectually condensed, power-packed analysis of the homophobic religious arguments is a mixture of animation, LGBTQ community interviews and expert analysis from theologians across the country. With the help of a cartoon narrator, animated recollections of Bible passages and witty illustrations, FISH OUT OF WATER makes this polarizing subject accessible and non-threatening."

Hang in there, sweetie. We're all pulling for you and like so many other people have already said here, it will get better.

@almost all of the above -- what an amazing amount of support and kind hearted wisdom. As heart-wrenching as the situation and letter are, this is so heart-warming. I hope it has provided some comfort to the letter writer.

Another to Me: I just re-read that you are indeed at an all male boarding school (you said that, sorry I missed it). If it's an elite non-religious boarding school, they are all about diversity in their marketing and you should be able to access fantastic services as well finding gay-supportive teachers and counselors. If it's a faith based religious boarding school, which is likely as you said it's all-male, be very careful about getting beaten up and about who you come out to... as much as it sucks to be less than 100% honest, it might be best for your physical safety until you graduate high school to be cautious. Chances are even at a homophobic boarding school that at least one or two of the staff and many of your classmates are also gay and can provide a support network with whom you can be completely out. As several people have said, if you get forced into "reparative therapy" just play along if it helps ease your day but don't actually listen to a word they say, these types are bad, bad therapists who will fuck with your head. For instance, they pounce on any shred of homoflexibility, which does exist for some, as evidence you can become straight -- this is BS, even Dan said once he got aroused by a butch woman, doesn't make him less gay.

Good luck!

If you need someone to talk to call this peer counseling line staffed by and for GLBT folks: 1-888-843-4564 or 1-800-246-PRIDE. It's toll free so it won't show up on your parents' or school's bill. There's also a chat: google GLBTNHC

I have nothing to add except my moral support. Me, you sound like a good, smart kid. Take care of yourself and stay safe.

Me,

Your letter sounds like me 7 years ago. You said that "my parents and I have agreed to keep this a secret". My parents tried to set the same "agreement" with me and I didn't let it fly. I came out to every adult i knew and was brutally honest about how poor my parents were treating me, and as soon as my folks realized they were the focus of public scrutiny and scorn, they backed WAY off. I suggest you do the same thing, shame your parents for being unloving, unsupportive dicks.

If they try to send to your priest for counseling make sure you stand your ground with him. Say "I am gay, it's not changing and I will not discuss this with you", and repeat it. You have the power to set the terms of the conversations you are the focus of.

Finally, you have balls of steel for coming out in the situation you are in. Good for you! You sound like a courageous, thoughtfull, intelligent human being that an guy would be lucky to spend some time with. Remember, it gets better and you will get out.

All my love and support,
James

Are there any other adults in your life who can be supportive of you? One of your older siblings? A more open-minded family member, like an aunt, uncle, cousin? Are there teachers at school who are progressive? I think having adults who you know and trust in the loop and on your side will make you feel so much safer.

One of the best pieces of advice I got when coming out was to remember that you can't live your life for your parents. That's true for everyone, really, not just kids coming out. Most of us will live a substantial portion of our lives after our parents have passed on, and you can't postpone living your life fully until they are gone. The purpose of your life is not to be a vessel through which your parents can vicariously relive theirs. Your life is your own, your very own, and no one else's. So get busy and do some living.

Dear LW,
I want to wrap you in a plaid blanket and feed you soup. you are so brave. it gets better.

Dear M,

Do what you can to keep the sexuality conversations with your parents at a minimum. If they want to ignore it for the time being, let that happen. If they try to engage you, do your best to deflect the conversation. You will be out of their house before you know it.

I suggest that you get a job if you don't already have one and start a savings account (preferably one that your parents cannot access, if that's possible for minors). Save as much money as you can. If your parents pay for your college, that is wonderful. Don't feel guilty for taking advantage of that. But keep working and saving money. Then, after college, you will have a good amount of money to begin living independently from your parents AND you will have a bit of work experience to get a really good job.

Two things I suggest showing to your parents at some point (maybe soon, maybe not for a few years) are Matthew Vines's hour-long video "The Bible and Homosexuality" and the documentary "For the Bible Tells Me So."

For yourself, read things--books you can find in the library or articles and blogs online--about gay news and overcoming obstacles when coming out. There are tons of resources, and I find that just reading about other people's struggles and knowing that others have made it through this helps me. Since you wrote to Dan I'm sure you know about It Gets Better, but honestly, I think just watching the videos helps. The way I think of it is that there are many people who have gone through exactly what you're going through and at a time where the general population was less accepting that it is now. I'm not trying to trivialize what you're going through by saying that others have had it harder, but I am saying that many people have gotten through this, and you can, too. You will.

My final suggestion is to write yourself a letter. Write whatever you want to. Write about what you're feeling right now, how your parents are reacting to your coming out, and things that you hope will happen in the future. When you are finished, seal the letter. Do not open it for five years. I did this for the first time as a school exercise, and five years later my teacher sent me my letter. A year and a half ago, I wrote myself a new letter, about my feelings, my thoughts about coming out, and my hopes and dreams. A lot has changed since I wrote the letter--I've kissed a girl for the first time, had a girlfriend, come out to my parents, come out to many friends, written a lot, and in general, begun to live openly and honestly. I have been tempted to open the letter whenever I think about it, but I know that I must wait--because three and a half years from now, so many more wonderful things will have happened to me, and reading the letter will be so much better if I wait.

One last thing: I know this is not exactly comforting, but remember that your parents have not given up on you. They have not thrown you out on the street. Yes, they may have turned on you in other ways, it sounds like they are bullying you, but they still love you and they are not completely rejecting you. That's not nothing. There is hope for them to come around.

Best of luck to you! You are strong, and your life will be amazing one day very soon.

Dear Me,

HUG!!!!!!

I'm late to the game, but just need to thank Dan for doing what he does. This letter was heartbreaking and I am so glad there are people like Dan who could give this boy advice that is truly worthwhile and clearly comes from someone who's traveled the same road and come out the other side healthy and happy. Best of luck Me and all the other kids pushed to the breaking point. Really and truly it does get better--your parents/ teachers/dickheads who go to your school will not have power over you forever. Ride it out and believe in your own worth. Hugs

Dear Me,

I'm so proud of you for being true to yourself in the face of this adversity. I have no doubt you will get through this. Keep believing in yourself.

I also grew up in a catholic family with republican parents. When I came out to my father (I was 28), he asked me if I had read anything on the topic. I thought he meant I should do some research so if questioned or attacked I could refer to this information to defend myself. A few weeks later, we got together. He had bought me a book written by a guy who had claimed to reform himself from being gay to be a straight man. I had also bought a couple of books which I gave him. The first was called "What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality" by Daniel Helmniak, Ph.D and Roman Catholic Priest. The other book was called "Beyond Acceptance" written about parents and siblings who have come to love their gay children or siblings. I read both books before I gave them to my father and they both taught and gave me hope. I also read the book my father gave me and it was total crap. I later asked him if he read it and if he thought the guy had actually transformed himself into a heterosexual and he told me he did not!

My advice to you is to do your own research, whether by reading these books or others. Knowledge makes you strong! It can help you defend yourself when you are being attacked, whether by your parents or someone else. And also arm yourself with recent real life examples to share with your parents. For example, Republican Senator Rob Portman from Ohio, who recently not only accepted his gay son, but now supports gay marriage. Ask your parents why a prominent republican senator can come to accept his gay son in front of the whole country while they bully you to change.

Finally, give your parents some slack. Acknowledge that our society and especially religion have taught many people that being gay is wrong and it takes time to undo all these lessons. I know for myself it took me many years to accept myself. So you are already way ahead of me, but understand that it will take your parents time, but most do come around. And if they don't, make sure you have built up a support system of friends who do support you for who you are.

Good luck, me! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Dave

Ok, back again, I hope you're still reading Me and that you check back in here from time to time whenever you need a boost. The love and support in these comments is amazing and you deserve every bit of it. It's clear from your letter that you are a smart, brave, insightful young man--you are so far ahead of where most people are at your age. Nurture your sense of self and your inner strength--it's already there, singing throughout your letter. It took me until 30 to get to that level of self-awareness and it is so so valuable. Please don't think that avoiding the topic of your sexuality with your parents in order to maintain their financial support undermines your integrity--it doesn't AT ALL. They are not entitled to 100% disclosure on this topic; you, however, are entitled to protect yourself from psychological and financial harm. Protecting yourself now doesn't mean you can't and won't live your life openly--you will. Remember there are people you can talk to right here in savage land. Stay safe and be well. Sending you a hug and much love.