Keep your head up, be you, and get out of there when you can. We are all cheering for you!

I'm so proud of you, Me! You've taken the first steps toward putting this on terms you can live with. Not much to add to what Dan and his sources say above, but there are some really thoughtful and loving commenters here. I am sure you'll read a lot of helpful stuff from them In this thread. Thanks for reaching out to Dan so we could have a chance to try and lend a hand right now.

Dear letter writer,

First and foremost, please don't ever believe that your parents don't approve of "you". They don't understand what's happening because their worldview doesn't let them understand how a boy raised in a family like theirs can "turn out" gay. They've been taught a bunch of bullcrap that just doesn't match up with the reality of your sexuality. Let them get over that in their own time, and realize that it will take time. Probably lots of time. They may, in fact, never quite reach a place where they're at peace with this aspect of who you are.

Second, realize it's not your job to fix your parents, to make them accept you, to make them comfortable in any way with this new reality. You're 16. Maybe you'll have chances to date guys your age while you're in school and maybe you won't. Regardless of what it's like in school and in your parents' home right now, you're eventually going to grow into an adult. You'll be able to make your own life in your own home and when you're ready to you'll have every right to invite a partner of your choosing into that life and that home.

Finally, it gets better. Once you're outside the small world of high school and local community, once you're able to spread your wings into the wide world and interact with people who aren't like your parents, you'll find and create your own circle of people who care about you just the way you are and who don't expect you to change just to please them. Look forward to that. Know that it's coming and understand there's no reason to feel hopeless or helpless.

From a gay Christian who's been there,

James

Lots of great advice above.

I have another suggestion which is not PC. Lots of queer folk have done this in the past and it takes some strength of character. Just lie. Say your confusion it over, agree it was just a phase. Sweat it out. I know that when you are 16, 5 years seems like a lifetime, but it's really not. It passes amazingly quickly. Have a firm objective in mind. Study like crazy and wait for the day you graduate to come out then if that's what you want. I had to wait until 34 to get the first dick in my mouth and I survived. Hell, I had a great time. I regret not starting earlier, there were reasons, one of which was that is was literally dangerous,but I really can't complain about my life. It got waaaaay better.

My recommendation is simple: put your Dad and Mom in front of the TV, play "Prayers for Bobby". If your Mom doesn't start to cry at the end of the movie, there will be no christianity on her heart.

it still surprises me that anyone really believes in Catholicism. i mean, PRIESTS don't even believe it.

hang in there, kid.

My recommendation is simple: put your Dad and Mom in front of the TV, play "Prayers for Bobby".
If your Mom doesn't start to cry and hug at the end of the movie, there will be no christianity on her heart.

Me, you are incredibly well-spoken and self aware for someone your age. I promise you with game like that you WILL be able to make friends out here in the wider world. And that is what you really need right now, a good support network away from your family. You can do it. Many people out here are rooting for you!

There's a book called Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality by Jack Rogers that looks carefully at the passages so often cited as anti-gay, and explains what slender evidence that tradition rests upon! I've recommended it with success to my own parents and the parents of a bi friend. Whether or not it effects a change of view, it may help your parents to understand that there are Christians out there who are serious about their Bibles AND about loving every one of God's children.

I think there is ao much great advice here , an overwhelming amount of info to absorb. The cornerstone is this. You are a unique special human being. You were meant to be here, you were meant to be you, just as you are. Despite what is going on with your Dad, and I wouldn't presume to make light of it. Please know, that however you decide. Whether God is part of your life, or a divine light, or hope, or karma. That is what should lead you, knowing that there are many Christians, like me, who will tell you this. My God is a loving one. No creation is wrong, or mistake. Do not be misled by those that try to use mans perception or understanding of the bible. If God exists, he wants you to be here. If he doesn't, I do, and many others do. We want you to know, you have to get out there and make your mark, your place. You will find love and acceptance from so many. Share your passion, your light, there is nothing that can take that from you. You must reach out as you can and talk this out. As said there are many great groups, Trevor Project, TWLOHA, and I am sure in your own are you can find somewhere. Even if you only feel comfortable online at first. Don't deny and hide, you are loved. It will just take some time to know. Hold on, and dont let go. Love to you x

Do what they want until you can move out. Stay in school no matter what for as long as you can. Let them believe whatever makes them keep paying for school. Then, just live your life the way you want. I did. I even went to church with them and made a big show that was bullshit just to keep the tuition money coming. Then when you are on your own, do what makes you happy. But know this. You will eventually have to take ownership of your life. Otherwise, you will slowly break.

I'm a mom. And if I were face to face with your mom, here's what I would tell her:

It's hard raising a teenager. I often wonder whether I'm doing it right. Sometimes I wish I had a simple set of instructions to turn to. When I'm scared that we're doing it wrong, I have moments when I would like some hard-and-fast rules that, by their rigidity, would relieve me of the responsibility to figure out what will help my child grow into a healthy, functioning adult.

Lucky for my kid, I snap out of it pretty quickly and get back to doing the job I signed up for: being the best mom for this kid that I can be. Write this on your mirror in lipstick and read it aloud until you get it: Your kid deserves your unconditional love, your responsive discipline, and your humility about the prospect that one or more things you sincerely believe about what's best for everyone is flat-out mistaken.

It's going to be hard for your parents - being Catholic and Republican - that's like a double whammy right there! I wish Christian peoples would stop trying to tell other Christians how their relationship with God should look like, and instead encourage us to discover our own relationship with God.
Just hang in there. I did not have the courage you did to tell the truth until I was 37! I really wish I could have been brave at your age, but that didn't happen. And, as a Christian, I want you to know that God loves you no matter what. You are wonderfully made, so claim that love!

Keep on trucking M...and whatever you do, DONT allow them to put you in some pray away the gay shit. It nearly destroyed me and many others.

Keep your head up. It does get better as soon as you can get away from them.

There's a whole world of supportive people out here.

So many of us have been in this exact same spot, and it DOES get so much better. Parents DO come around, even religious parents like mine. You sound like you've got a really good head on your shoulders, and you'll get through this!

Hang in there Me. We are many around the world cheering for you and I know there are a whole group of people ready to guide and support you <3

Know that there is an army of supporters waiting for you just on the other side of this part that sucks. We can't go through this for you, but there are millions of us just a click, call, or bookstore away and we've got your back.

Me-
I am a lesbian woman and the proud mother of three children: two straight adults and a 16 year old gay son ( by the way, he's incredibly cute and smart and funny and kind. Maybe I could introduce you two!).

My heart breaks for you. No one should have to go through this. Someday, I think soon, these kind of coming out stories will be rare and all of society will have great judgment on parents who do this to their children. That might not seem helpful but I mean it this way: things ARE getting better and your bravery is a piece in all of it getting better. Maybe your parents won't change quickly and maybe they won't change fully, but recent history shows us that it is by our own actions, our bravery, that we have changed the world.

And, by "we" I mean the great big, vibrant gay world that is just waiting to enfold and welcome you. YOU and others like my son are the reason that so many of us have lived out lives. Now, you have to help us. Stay alive, stay strong. It probably seems like this is a forever thing but its not. They will change a tiny bit at a time and you will be leaving so soon on your very own adventure.

In the meantime, in addition to all the other great suggestions, consider getting either the book or the movie "Prayers for Bobby". It's the true story of a mother who loved her gay son very much and who translated that love into a fear of him going to hell for being gay. Eventually he was driven to suicide. His mother, Mary Griffifth, is able to use her guilt in a positive way and became a tremendous advocate for gay kids. The movie isn't perfect but it might speak to your parents.

If you want to speak to me or to a sympathetic and very out 16 year old, I'd be happy to do that through Dan. Be brave, be strong. Look out for you, not your parents. They are adults and completely responsible for being adults. Breathe. Breathing is very good.

I will end this by sending all of the motherly love I have available. And my admiration and respect.
Jackie

My advice: Read "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins.

This may sound like I'm trying to denigrate your religion, but believe me, becoming an atheist and liberating myself from catholicism made me a lot stronger as a person and really helped me handle a lot of psychological pressure when I was a teen until I could leave home.

Hey, kid! First off, let me tell you, there are TONS of people who love you for exactly who you are. You might hear that from a lot of people because of this letter, but I really do think it's the best thing to hear. I know because I was in your situation - almost exactly (I'm the youngest of four and my siblings are all basically perfect, my parents are Catholic and Republican, etc.). In fact, I was in your shoes - 16, newly out to my disapproving parents and pretty damn sad - just two years ago. I, too, emailed Dan for help. His response was one big thing that kept me alive (in more ways than one). (Thanks, Dan. So much.)

Anyways, I think the main thing to keep in mind is that this is a weird situation in that you actually know better than your parents, you really do - at least for part of this. When I came out to my parents, my dad asked me "why I had chosen such a thing" and my mom wanted to put me in Christian therapy, but I refused. You should still respect your parents and everything - as you note, they really do come from a place of love - but rest easy knowing that there is absolutely ZERO wrong with you. Well, absolutely zero wrong with being gay, at least. We all have something wrong with us. You know what I mean.

If your parents never coming around to accepting you, that's their loss. Thankfully, I've been able to turn my parents around for the past few years -they're still not there yet, but it's progress - and that's a good thing. But, what RuPaul says is true, as gay people we get to CHOOSE our family. If that includes the biological family members who accept and support us, fantastic. If not, there's tons more people out there who WILL love and support you. No worries.

If you need therapy, go for it. Even if you're not sure and you just want to try it, go for it. Nothing wrong with therapy. Thankfully, we live in a time where a lot of our peers accept and love us - there are lots of people our age willing to talk to you, in addition to therapists. In a lot of ways I think our friends are our best therapists, and we're our best therapists for our friends. (Not for big shit like clinical depression, bipolar disorder, or something like that. But for being understood.)

Keep your chin up! This whole situation will actually seem pretty funny when you look back on it in a few years.

Nick

I want to make a point that religions are certainly not monolithic on the subject of sexual orientation.

I guess by most definitions people would say I am religious, although a few years back I certainly wasn't. The difference was that I found a denomination that finally made sense to me. They believe deeply in equality, and in treating people that way. That belief expresses itself in all sorts of ways, from opposing war and the death penalty, to refusing to bow to anyone, or to take an oath. In the case of the particular church/meeting/house of worship that I joined, it extends to extending every witness, courtesy, ritual and rite to same-sex couples as you would to opposite-sex ones. And, as I said, this stems from a deeply-held belief in the power of God's love and in individuals as vessels of it. I'm pretty sure the way they do Christianity has far more in common with the teachings of Jesus than the way your parents are doing it.

I'm not gay, and although I've always been liberal and accepting, at least in theory, I never really had any real-world gay friends until I joined this church, nor had I ever had an understanding of how spirituality could be a positive thing.

I'm not sure if this is an option for you, but if there was a respected church in your community that was accepting in their theology and practice, maybe you could get some leverage on that religious argument front with your parents by joining it. Their absolutist attitude is that homosexuality is an affront to God, blah, blah, etc. It's not. It's just a problem with their brand of religion.

Check out Unitarian Universalists, Metropolitan Community Churches, and have a peek on www.quakerfinder.org to see if there's an "unprogrammed" Meeting near you. (That's where I ended up.) Just note that the Quaker brand is badly fractured and local meetings can range from extremely loving and supportive to fire-and-brimstone Evangelical. The pastorless (unprogrammed) Meetings have a tendency to be more on the liberal side. (Perhaps "waiting in quiet on the Lord" has a tendency to teach one a bit of humility and perspective.)

Oh Me, your story is heart-wrenching and touching. You've come to the point where you know you're ready to be yourself and, like so many others, are still dependent on your I approving parents for basic needs. When I tell you that it does get better I am speaking from experience. While I didn't come out until my mix twenties, I too felt the pain of my basic needs being met by patents who were less than understanding. I too grew up in a catholic household and broke my mother's heart. Trust that being true to yourself is the way to a better situation. As Dan said, if you have to lie to your parents for awhile (I just stayed away from the topic altogether until I was out of their financial and emotional grasp) it's not going to set you back as long as you ate true to yourself in other ways. Hang in there, baby. All my live and support is headed your way. <3

Great advice to you so far, but here's my two cents, FWIW. (The following is based on how my experiences went after I came out)

This might not be the main concern, but you say you are still religious, pray. You also think critically about what is in the Bible, i.e. there are mistakes, it was written by humans, etc.

This is huge. It might not seem important right now, but you have a great handle on your spirituality. God does not make mistakes, therefore He did not make a mistake in making you gay. But you already know that. The fact that you understand that you need to follow your heart and mind, and not just accept religious doctrine, will help you get through any difficult times with your parenta and others. So you're at a huge advantage there.

You said you don't want to disappoint your parents. That's good. But remember, they will only be legitimately disappointed if you CHOOSE to do something negative. They might be disappointed if you are gay, but that is part of who you are. You are not choosing that.

Always remember: You might love your parents, but you should only be ashamed if you do something morally wrong, i.e. cheat, steal, etc.

You are clearly an honest person. I admit it will be difficult at times, but if you are honest with yourself, and those around you, in the long term you will come out way ahead. Even if it's painful in the short term.

The bad news is the situation might not immediately get better with your parents. (Then again they might, who knows?) Aaron's right. You will meet more and more people who love and support you.

It's always tugs at one's heart if your parents don't fully support you, but the salve is companionship, friends, a social network. Maybe your parents will come around, maybe they won't.

The advice to reach out to the Trevor Project, and those other organizations was excellent. I have a feeling you will make your way just fine. You will be an incredibly successful adult, in every sense of the word.

It might seem like now there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But you will see it soon. That light won't be an oncoming train. It will be your bright future.

Hi Me,
You are a very brave and strong 16 year old. I wish I had the strength to do what you're doing when I was your age. I grew up in Catholic household also and didn't really accept myself until I was about 26 and didn't come out until I was 28, I'm 45 now and have been with my partner for 17 years. See, It Gets Better!
Aaron's advise about boundaries is awesome. When you do talk to your parents about it definitely do it on your own terms, not theirs. You said that you're still religious and if your parents ask you if you're praying about your situation, let them know that you are praying. But you're praying that one day soon they will have the understanding that you are who you are and that you are not going to change.
I think you have the best attitude about the bible "God did not write it and humans do make mistakes." I have long held that belief. Hold your head high and know that you are never alone. There are many of us that have gone through similar situations and we're just fine.
I wish you the best of luck,
Scott
Portland, OR

Has anybody mentioned "It Gets Better" yet? There are a lot of people who have been through this and are out the other side of it now, with encouragement and advice meant for you.

Here is something I received from my sister this morning.... Send it to your parents right now. Maybe, just maybe, they might understand the consequences of their actions!

http://freedhearts.wordpress.com/2013/04…

Me, I hope your parents come around someday. Mine never did. I waited 20 years for it, and finally said enough is enough. It was only after I severed my relationship with them and put an end to the shame and guilt they kept pouring on me that I was finally able to come to terms with my own drug and alcohol abuse over that same 20 year period. Sometimes it does get better, and hopefully your mom and dad will wake up and realize what a wonderful opportunity they have with you as their son. But if they don't, live your life as fully as you can, and leave their baggage where it belongs -- on their doorstep, not carrying it around with you for the rest of your life like I almost did.
May you be well, safe, happy, fierce, and fabulous :)

Whoa...I have no advice, but that got my eyes a little misty. And it reminds me how awesome my parents were overall, despite being crappy in a lot of ways. Good Luck LW.

I can't even begin to understand what you're going through, Me, but I want you to know there are people out there that are on your side and that it will get better. Please reach out to the online resources that are posted in Dan's and Aaron's replies. It breaks my heart to read you feel so alone. I don't know you and you don't know me, but I will be thinking about you and I truly hope you'll find support and help.

"For the Bible Tells Me So" is a great documentary that deals with the challenges some families encounter when a member of the family comes out. It's a great resource for you and your family.

ME, you are a smart, brave kid and it will get better, for all the reasons Dan and Aaron say. Know that you have a lots of love, support and prayers coming your way.

Dear Me,
It will take a while, but hopefully your parents will come around and support the well spoken young man that you are. If not, stay true to yourself and don't let anyone sway you from the true you. I remember at 16 being a terrified bundle of hormones, desires, confusion and innocence. Not knowing exactly what to do with those feelings. And to this day, I'm still filled with the wonder of how did I make it through those times and how I wouldn't change a moment of it. Don't ever allow anyone, parents, friends, co-workers, teachers or whomever to make you feel guilty or ashamed of the true, loving, intelligent, thoughtful young man that you are. If they're in your corner and will back you, respect you, accept you and love you. Than those are the ones who you need to surround yourself with. Also continue to do what you did by sharing your feelings with those who might lend a word or two of guidance and support. I can promise you that it gets better. And I know it sounds all corny and all hearing "just hang in there". But do it! Lean on those that truly have your best interests and are open and understanding to your questions.
Best of luck to you!

Damn, kiddo, I'm a complete sobbing mess now. Between your letter to Dan and the Freed Hearts post which I read earlier today, I'm taking the rest of the day off.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HANG IN THERE. WE NEED YOU HERE. WITH US. ALL OF US. THINGS REALLY WILL GET BETTER. WE PROMISE!

First of all, I wanted to say M, you are a pretty amazing kid. I didn't fully realize or admit I was gay until I was 25 years old. I'd had inklings and feelings but everyone told me that it was a normal phase of development that would go away. My parents weren't hyper religious and there are lots of gay people in my family and yet I still remember both my parents being appalled when I brought it up in high school. However, by the time I met my (now) wife, they were fine with it. They love her and me.

Next, no matter what stay in school, do what you need to do to make it day to day and if you get depressed, make sure to reach out to someone you can trust. The world needs more kids like you in it!

Much love and I hope some of these comments brighten your day. You are amazing and special and there is nothing wrong with you!

By the way, you mention things that indicate that you are already experiencing inklings that your parents' religion has turned them into completely insane morons on this subject.

Examples: having to keep a straight face hearing your dad say the devil is inside you. Dad saying you are taking "the easy route" because getting a girl is harder then getting a guy. Yeah, sure, that's the easy way, because being gay in this culture is soooo much easier than being straight.

The lesson there is that the world is full of otherwise well-meaning and loving people who nonetheless are capable of holding various beliefs that are completely illogical, irrational, unjustifiable, bat-shit crazy. Sometimes you aren't going to be able to correct them; you just have to let them keep their crazy, and you sometimes have limited ability to get away from it -- but you don't have to buy into it, either.

You sound like you have a well-developed bullshit detector already. Keep using it.

Dear Me,

If you're a regular reader you might recall that Dan likes to say that each letter he runs is a hypothetical for every reader except one. You're not going to be the only person who's in this situation who's even reading this. There are a lot of you. There'll be others in your church, at your school - it's just a matter of finding them. I first made friends with a fellow queer in my school library; these days, social media exists so we can rely less on such serendipities. I hope you can find other people. Ignore the bullshit agreement to not tell anyone - that's just an attempt to isolate and silence you when you desperately need to find friends and talk to them.

Dear Dan,

My very-religious mother died many years before I came out. I have no idea what she would have made of my adult self, if she would ever have accepted or liked me, etc. But, god I miss my mother. (That unconditional thing that a lot of younger people seem to rely on? It ain't there. But we made it through, and it got better.)

First, let me say that if I was offered a wish that had to be used for someone else, I would ask for Dan Savage to be able to talk back and forth with his mother whenever he wanted to.

Oh, me. I have been there. Lie to your parents if you have to. Do whatever you can to make it thru to adult age as sane and whole as you can manage with your parents. We will save a place at the table for you when you can get here.

My grandparents found out I was gay when in my late 20s. My mother already knew but asked to keep it from her parents (moslty for her own sake). When they found out, they asked me to come talk to their pastor. Luckily, their guy had a brain and a heart. He at first did emphasize the teachings of the bible per their religious interpretation but then said "Donna and Joe, your granddaughter is an adult and doesnt follow our spiritual path. The only thing you can say to her is that you love her unconditionally. If you dont love her unconditionally, then she should ask you to stay out of her life." They were floored.

I wish you lived in Seattle. I would come have dinner at your house a few times until your parents got in their right minds.

Be strong, young friend. You'll get through this. Seek out safe friends, you only need a couple. Listen closely to the adults around you, because the safe ones often will signal who they are through subtle use of language. Know that, even if these next two years are hard, after that, there's a whole, joyful life ahead.

If your parents seem up for engaging with their theology, For the Bible Tells Me So is a good documentary to start with. Its got both families of faith who struggled when their children came out and theologians offering alternative interpretations of the troublesome passages of scripture.

But, it's more important that you're ok than that they are, so don't feel obligated to be their teacher or spiritual guide on this. Keep safe. You're in my prayers.

You have four older siblings, who just based on their ages I'm guessing are not as strictly religious as your parents. Might any of them help you? I assume they're mostly grown and at college or out of the house, but they are much less likely to find your gayness exciting, and may have some insight into how to deal with your parents.

I do love dad's reasoning. Dad, there would be SO many more gay guys out there if it was just a matter of everyone coldly playing the odds of getting action and going with whichever gender seemed easier.

I've been in almost exactly the same situation as you, where my parents (both religious, but Southern Baptist in my case) said they accepted my feelings so long as I didn't *act* on them. I was also in boarding school, and I made every effort to stay away from home during the summers -- getting a job somewhere else, staying with friends, couch-hopping, etc. -- but I didn't shut my parents out. I talked to them on the phone regularly and visited them for holidays. It sounds to me like your parents both love you and aren't going to kick you out or stop supporting you, but I urge you to keep your sexual activities a secret from them, at least for now, and to try to resist any confrontations that *they* might initiate by just excusing yourself from the conversation, saying you understand how they feel but that you hope they'll eventually come around to supporting you for who you are. It took my parents more than 10 years to come around, but now they no longer believe that being gay is a sin, and they have also accepted and appreciated my 13-year-long relationship with my boyfriend. I think your parents might go through the same transformation, hopefully more quickly than mine did. But it sounds, from what you wrote, that they will keep loving you no matter what, and maybe every once in a while, remind your parents that you love them and want them to love you for who you are, and offer them something like THE GOOD BOOK or the blog URL (see below) to push them just a little bit toward accepting and appreciating you for who you are. If they react badly when you push them a little bit, then stop pushing them.

Perhaps you could see a therapist at your boarding school. Do they have counselors there? My parents sent me to a Christian therapist who was, as you can imagine, not helpful. If there's some way you can see a gay-affirmative therapist, you should do so, even if you have to make up some other reason why you want to see a therapist. Just make sure that *you* (not your parents) get to choose your therapist. Also, remember that you may not find the right therapist right away. You may have to "audition" different therapists until you find one who works well for you. You're in charge w/r/t therapy. Make sure the first thing you do is ask the therapist what s/he believes about sexuality, religion, and confidentiality. Ask as many questions as you like before you tell the therapist anything about yourself. And make sure that s/he is going to keep your conversations confidential before you reveal anything.

I mentioned some stuff you might want to check out and see if it might be helpful (for you, and maybe for your parents as well, if and when you think they're ready to be pushed a little). Check out Peter Gomes's THE GOOD BOOK. It has chapters about the Bible and sexuality, the Bible and women, the Bible and abortion, the Bible and slavery, and more. Gomes was a black, gay Christian (I think Baptist, but I'm not sure) who was open-minded but not terribly radical or "threatening" to people like your parents. He died in 2011. He was a Professor of Christian Morals at Harvard University. Also read this post http://johnshore.com/2012/04/02/the-best… for yourself if not for your parents. Dan Savage shared the blog post with me, and it helped my parents to see things differently.

Stay strong and remember that we all behave differently when we're around our parents vs. when we're around our friends vs. when we're at work vs. when we're at church, etc. etc.. I hope you can find places where you can be yourself. I hope you have friends (and maybe some other adults) in your life who are gay or gay-affirmative. You'll need all the support you can get. Until your family comes around, find another "family" of friends, teachers, and anyone around whom you can be yourself and speak openly. Meanwhile, be patient with your parents and don't cut them off if you can manage. Good luck.

If you want to email me, my website is www.automaticheartbreak.com. You can find my email address there, or send me a message through the website.

We all love you so much! You'll find a way to reconcile your beliefs with your sexuality. Take a look at the world today and you'll discover everyone is coming around- even people like your parents. Heck, archconservative bigot Michelle Bachmann is even MARRIED to a gay person! Jokes aside, society really is getting less and less fucked up about this, and soon you and your family can be at peace about who you are, something which you can't change. Hang in there!

Hey Brooklyn Reader,

I was going to suggest the Quakers too (are you an attender at Brooklyn Friends?).

One way of making sure that the Meeting is in the liberal camp is to check if they are FGC (Friends General Conference) affiliated. There's also the Friends for LGBTQ Concerns (http://flgbtqc.quaker.org).

Quakerism, especially unprogrammed, liberal Quakerism, is about as far from Catholicism as you can get in Christian denominations. So it might be a little weird at first. The service itself is everyone sitting in silence facing each other and rising to speak if they feel moved. No one is leading or really in charge. But, for the most part, Quakers really do live up to their name of Friends. Usually some of the most kind and helpful people around.

Oh, and they are plenty of ex-Catholics among us. :)

You sound like a thoughtful young man. Your parents are lucky to have you.

Religious ideas are not like every-day thoughts inside a head. They occur too quickly and change too slowly, if at all. When large groups of people all agree to believe the same thing regardless of what they feel, it takes a lot of momentum to push a contradictory idea through that huge, dense mass of brains all stuck together.

You're contributing to that painfully slow change, you're part of it. However isolated you feel, you're right. Try as best you can to be near other people like you. They have an entire world of religious types psychically backing them up in a word, Catholicism.

But so do you, you just need to connect to them. Do that however you can, online, in person, any medium between. Trying, in the way, even if it presents some setbacks initially, will be worth it.

1. There's nothing wrong with being gay.

2. You don't have to tell your parents you want a dick in your mouth any more than a teenage girl would have to say that to her parents.

When I was your age I also struggled with conflating orientation with sex acts. My parents also asked me how I knew I was gay. I wish I would have asked them back how they knew they were straight before ever sleeping with anyone.

Hi Me. 'Me' is a good name because you sound just like 'me' when I was your age. I also come from a Catholic, republican family and I also came out to my parents when I was a teen in school. And my mother said almost the exact same things that yours did.

In some cases some parents never come around, but don't give up hope. Many do. My mother cried when I told her, but many years later she cried tears of joy at my wedding to my partner. She did a complete 180 degree change. It took about two years for her to start feeling OK with me being gay, but now she is a passionate advocate for gay rights.

So it can and does happen, so please hang in there.

In the mean time Dan is right. If you really have to, lie. I don't think much of independent adults who lie and hide in the closet, but teens dependent on their parents is a completely different thing. You have no choice but to live under their thumb, and if they are making your life miserable then it is perfectly OK to lie to them in order to get through this period of your life. You can come back out to them when you are a financially independent adult.

There was a great gay themed cable show that used to be on called Queer as Folk. One of the main characters made a comment to another who was lying about being gay and feeling guilty about it. He told him, "it's not a lie when they force you to lie." I agree. If they aren't giving you any choice other than lie or be badgered until your life is hell then they haven't really given you a choice and it is OK to lie.

What ever you do, use this time to do the most important thing you can. Learn. Learn about gay issues of course, but just learn. Study hard in school. Get good grades. Do well enough that you can get a scholarship so that you don't have to be financially dependent on your parents for college. Then go to a good college, get good grades and a degree that will lead to a good, decent paying job.

That way you can move where ever you want. Live how ever you want. Be as open as you want and there is nothing anyone can do about it. And when are a successful, independent, healthy and well adjusted adult it will be hard for your parents to criticize your choices in life with any legitimacy.

Also, if you decide that you want to remain a Christian (something I eventually gave up and feel much better since) then remember there are several forms of Christianity that are OK with gay people. Many Episcopal dioceses in the US are cool with gay people, and they are so close to Catholic you would hardly notice a difference.

Although the here and now may seen a bit grim, you have many options for your future. Keep looking ahead and you will do just fine. Keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel, and do everything you can to get there. When you arrive you will find how great life can be, trust me.

Also, many, many priests are silently gay affirming too. (I know quite a few priests) If you live in the midwest, I could probably get any number of priests to talk to your parents, Me. Seriously. Dan can get you my email.

Me, if you are in a biggish city, I would suggest finding an ELCA Lutheran or Episcopalian congregation that is gay-welcoming. With ELCA congregations, they will usually be called "Reconciling in Christ" or RIC congregations (not sure what designation the Episcopalian congregations have). I'm recommending those two denominations because their theology is very close to Catholic theology.

RIC congregations or their equivalent often have support groups for LGBTQ teenagers, and they can give you advice about how to talk to your mom and dad in a way that respects their beliefs and your shared beliefs when you are ready to do so. You also might want to Google The Naming Project, which is an Christian organization whose mission is to support the spirituality of LGBTQ teenagers without trying to change who they are.

I'm so impressed with your self-assuredness. I can't promise everything will work out perfectly, but it will work out. I will pray that your parents see what an awesome young man you are, and that your sexuality is part of what makes you awesome. And I'll pray that you find the peace and happiness you deserve.

Hi Me,
You are a very brave and strong 16 year old. I wish I had the strength to do what you're doing when I was your age. I grew up in Catholic household also and didn't really accept myself until I was about 26 and didn't come out until I was 28, I'm 45 now and have been with my partner for 17 years. See, It Gets Better!
Aaron's advise about boundaries is awesome. When you do talk to your parents about it definitely do it on your own terms, not theirs. You said that you're still religious and if your parents ask you if you're praying about your situation, let them know that you are praying. But you're praying that one day soon they will have the understanding that you are who you are and that you are not going to change.
I think you have the best attitude about the bible "God did not write it and humans do make mistakes." I have long held that belief. Hold your head high and know that you are never alone. There are many of us that have gone through similar situations and we're just fine.
I wish you the best of luck,
Scott
Portland, OR

Me, you aren't alone (not if you judge by these comments).

I think your mom has given you quite the confusing message - we will always love you but never accept you. I'm not sure I know what that means (and maybe you don't either or you don't want to face that they may love you but will reject your presence if you continue on).

I'm a mom and I believe your mom loves you so please don't forget that. Just as you have come to the realization of who you are, she will need that time and space to get there.

But you are not alone because there are people out there - maybe strangers but people who care like the Trevor project - who care.

I'm not religious but I will include you in the prayers I say anyway for those I care about. Including you.

Everyone else's advice has been spot-on. My only other piece of advice: find a parental-type adult you can talk to. Not just about LGBTQ-related things, just about life. You sound very mature, but you are sixteen, and you're going to need adults who you can trust to give you good, loving, honest advice as you make your way into the world. Your parents are clearly not up to that job at the moment, so until they come around (and they very well might,) you're going to have to find some adults who are. Is the rest of your extended family Catholic and Republican? Do you have an understanding aunt or uncle? Teacher? Friend's parent? I remember in high school, my wonderful, progressive mom was a huge source of support to my queer friends whose parents hadn't gotten over their own bullshit just yet.

You've already been honest and reached out for help. That's a huge sign of strength and bravery. Please take care of yourself, keep your head up, and know that you are wonderful, just the way you are.

Dear Me,

I'm going to give you some very hard, possibly upsetting advice first. Please don't stop reading, because we're going to get the hard shit over and done with and then we'll move on:

Be glad your parents are honest about their disapproval.

Sound like it sucks? Trust me, it does. You know what sucks harder? Being 18 years old, having just come out, having heard the "oh, I love you no matter what, I can't wait for you to have a girlfriend, blah blah blah support blah blah wonderful unique blah" spiel and then three weeks later you come home for a surprise visit from college and your mother is on the phone sobbing to one of your relatives about how she can't believe you'd make such a terrible choice and all she ever wanted was to do what was right for you and how can't you see that you're just confused and you'll get over it. Sucky, right?

Ah, but this is where I hope you're still with me, because here's the lighthearted fluffy sequel: I walked out the front door, down to the street, and a mile away to my grampa's house. He gave me a cup of tea, listened to the whole thing, dried my tears and said "You still have a bedroom here, you know. Let me take your bag back." I lived with him for the next two years. He shared stories about my girlfriend (when I got one) at the dinor during "my grandchild's significant other" conversations. He called me on the phone to tell me he saw something in the paper about the Pride parade and asked if I was going. When I went through a butch dyke period he helped me find guys' shoes in my size and bought me a pair of unisex hoodies I could wear no matter what was under them (they fell apart many years ago from an abundance of love, but I still own the two he replaced them with!). He defended me against ignorant comments when they happened. And he told me, whenever I needed to hear it: "I don't have to understand to know you're happy, and I'm happy for you."

That's right: my biggest supporter when I was a wee little baby gay wasn't my middle-ticket, so-called bisexual hippie mother--it was my Republican-voting 77-year-old GRAMPA. (I'm happy to report that today he's 84 years old, reconsidering his political position and still my biggest supporter--in 2012 he voted on only one thing on the entire ballot, and that was equality for Washington state!) The purpose of this story is twofold:

1) All is not lost because your parents are ignorant. There are other people out there, some of them the least-likely candidates you can imagine, who will love and support you in ways big and small.
2) All is not lost because your parents are ignorant. You can talk sense to ignorant, truthful people, if they're willing to unplug their ears. When it comes to two-faced liars, however, you're screwed. (My relationship with my mom has never recovered, and now there's a gritty reboot that doesn't acknowledge the original: she knows I'm bisexual and just looking for the right man, all evidence to the contrary.)

So how do you make your parents not ignorant? Here's the sad and sucky news: sometimes you can't. Sometimes they not only want to remain ignorant, they will twist your own words into some weird version of "truth" so they can prove that you agree with them. But sometimes?

Sometimes you get lucky.

Other folks have provided a lot of resources for you, but I'm going to add one: http://www.wouldjesusdiscriminate.org/bi… Click around the left-hand toolbar and you'll learn some incredible stuff that's in the Bible--that Jesus blessed a gay couple; that one of the greatest kings in the Bible was bisexual; that our modern wedding vows are based on the vows, Biblically given, of a lesbian couple; that the early church welcomed a gay man; that Jesus said some people are born gay, and are blessed of heaven! Best of all, this website is run by a church--it's actual pastors and deacons writing these essays. It basically goes through not only the verses used against us, but verses people completely overlook (like the one where David and Jonathan were apparently not only lovers, but married--to each other), to show that far from the Bible condemning gay relationships, it contains within itself some very strong support for them.

Best of luck. Check back with us and let us know how you're doing, okay?

Holding you in love and light, aching for your pain, willing you peace. As you are a Christian, remember that God and Jesus bring comfort to the lost and weary. If praying is a source of centering for you, maybe try praying for the strength, inner peace, and resilience that will be part of living through this difficulty. Your parents are wrong - it's not possible to "pray you straight". But if you believe in the power of prayer, give a thought to praying for their enlightenment. :)

@ 46 / Sheryl - I think you're looking for http://www.integrityusa.org/ for those gay-affirming Episcopalians in the US, or InclusiveChurch in the UK.

So much love to you for being honest and being yourself. Your parents may not understand and in their confusion and homophobia forget the most important role is to be the parents who love you. They obviously still do, and hopefully God will remind them and help them see you as the beautiful and brave person you are, and that your sexuality is a gift from him.

I am so sorry that you are not getting the support and acceptance that you absolutely deserve at home. Do know that the world is a big place, that we are still evolving, and that there are many people who are struggling or have overcome the space you are in right now. In fact there are complete strangers who are compelled to write messages of love to you for the very fact that you are gay, that you exist, and that you deserve dignity and love just like anyone else!

Any doubt that God is any less than the absolute fill of divine love in the universe that holds us all and that you are held in that Grace just as much as every other person is unfounded. If He is the Truth, and we are to be a reflection of that light, then I hope you see your opening up and embrace of the truth of who you are and who you love as one of many steps towards God in this dance of life.

I wish you all the love and support in the world, and know that if you are this much of an awesome human being at sixteen years old, that you will only grow up to be an even more awesome person. I am personally glad that you are here, are out of the closet, and that we all get to have you in this universe and experience the joy of you being who you are.

Hi Me--

I am a 15-year-old bi girl, out to my family, friends, and the universe. Everyone keeps talking in this thread about finding your own family, biological or otherwise. So I'm just going to throw out there that I like you, you sound smart and articulate, and even if we never meet, I know that there will be others our age who will agree with me. Other straights, other queers, other who-knows-whats. Find them!

I and all my family, biological and otherwise, is rooting for you.

As the Bible says, "This too shall pass." I had a very similar situation with my family and it took them years to accept it. It's important to be patient with them because think about it... it took you 16 years to accept it and you only did because you had to. It will take them years to accept it as well so be patient. Do not expect them to accept it overnight. I'm so happy to hear that they love you. :)

Don't forget who *you* are. The pendulum can swing far in the opposite direction. Many of my friends from similar backgrounds ended up extremely involved in drugs and unprotected sex. Basically, their "religious guilt" led them to self destructive behaviors. Partially (in my opinion) because that's what gay people are (according to their judgmental religious family) and partially because they were still struggling with self hatred.

Remember who *YOU* are and always be true to that. Do not become who others think you're expected to be because you're gay. You're still the same person, you just happen to like guys. You don't have to start wearing wigs or freedom rings. Unless that's what *you* want to do. Then by all means, have at it. :)

Oh, and the idea that people are gay because it is easier is sadly off the mark. If you do want to reply to your father when he says that point out that, despite that being gay opens you up to much legal discrimination and unfair treatment from society as a whole, that the 'odds' are actually easier for straight people.

Anyone can get sex when they want, gay or straight, male or female, so long as they aren't overly picky (and a person who is naturally attracted to women who chooses to have sex with men just because is beyond 'not picky'). Being a straight guy wouldn't keep you from finding quick and easy sex if that is really all you wanted.

But if you want something more, like a long term relationship with someone you loved, then being gay is not easier. The opposite. The percentage of the population that is gay is something between 2- 5 %. The most optimistic estimate is 10%.

What is easier? Having the option of finding a partner out of the single, straight women who make up about half the population, or the self identified gay guys who make up probably less than 5% of the population?

Straight people have it so easy. They don't even have to move to a major urban area to have a decent chance of meeting a compatible partner.

I searched the page, and didn't find anyone referring to Dan's amazing website (the It Gets Better Project, or alternatively, the YouTube channel where it started) for people in your exact situation. Weird. That's why everyone is using that phrase above.

And when you come out as an atheist in a few years, it will be a cakewalk compared to this. If you're capable of admitting there are mistakes in the Bible and that it was humans that wrote it, you're halfway there already. From my own experience and that of every atheist I've personally spoken to, it seems to be an exponential process to reach that realization. My parents are pretty live-and-let-live types (or were by the time they realized I didn't buy into their bedtime stories anymore), so I have no advice on dealing with the fallout from that conversation, unfortunately.

I'd like to add that if you'd like somebody who can just listen, who's closer to your age than your parents' age but still has a few years of perspective: I'm 24, I've been out for six and a half years and as someone else commented, Dan should be able to get you my e-mail. (and if he can't, I'll keep an eye on comments for a day or two to see if you pop up and want to talk.) I can't promise that I'll have an answer for everything but I will have answers for some things, and for the rest, sometimes it just helps to have someone else listen while you figure it out.

Just wish I could give you a hug wherever you are! I appreciate the folks who are trying to help you reconcile YOUR faith with being gay but the reality is it is your PARENTS' "faith" that is the stumbling block here. I would suggest reaching out to the folks at Dignity (http://www.dignityusa.org/) which is an inclusive Catholic group and rest with the knowledge that many many Catholics out there support you. If you go to church while at school or with your parents please know that the majority of the folks sitting around you support you (at least 70% of self-described Catholics support marriage equality).

I am a married lesbian and although my (Republican, Catholic) TWIN sister still says my partner is not welcome under her roof my parents include my wife in all of our family gatherings and even my conservative evangelical extended family also accept her. Just the other day I phoned a clergy member I had not spoken to in years after we argued about my relationship and even he asked how she was doing.

If you have any extended family that might be more supportive (say an Aunt or Uncle) I would encourage you to talk to them- are you particularly close to any of your siblings? That could be another good source of support.

It will take your parents a while- unfortunately in their mindset they might think they have done something "wrong" or are failing as parents and keeping that in mind might be helpful. If it would make your mom feel better let her spray you with holy water or have the house blessed or something. Stop short if she suggests exorcism! Also, it might help to expose your parents to gay Catholic priests such as Fr. Mychal Judge, Fr. Henri Nouwen, or Fr. James Alison who have lived holy lives as celibate gay men. Although that is not the life you want for yourself it might at least open a door for them to understand that nothing is inherently WRONG with you.

All the best! I wish I could just offer you the guest room. :) You are okay, and everything is going to be okay. Your life will be so beautiful and you will be in awe at its goodness.

Dear Me,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I always said if my kids were gay/lesbian, I would love them no matter what, and would give them any resource in the world to help them deal with the bigotry and intolerance they would face. they are straight, but I have raised tolerant adults who accept all people for who they are and I'm grateful I was able to manage it.

I will give one piece of advice which I have seen Dan give many times - that if you are being bullied by your parents, physically, emotionally or spiritually, and they won't let up, then tell them what they want to hear until you are able to move out and be financially independent of them. Once you are financially independent, the rest of your freedom will follow. Once you don't live under their roof, and don't rely on financial assistance (tuition, rent, bills, etc.), then come out again. As a full-fledged adult, you are your own person, and nobody has the right to tell you who you are allowed to be. You have 2 more years to fortify yourself while you protect yourself by unfortunately having to lie.

Once you are on your own, you can withhold the one thing they will need from you - your presence in their life. Either they accept you unconditionally and love you no matter what, or you just won't be around. That is hard, for you and them, but unfortunately it may be the only way for them to let go of who they think you should be, and accept who you ARE.

Good luck. Please use the resources Dan and the others have provided in this post and comments.

With much love,

Mom in CA

Dear Me,

I have nothing to add to the wonderful advice that's been given by Dan, Aaron, and the previous comments, but I want you to know that this hetero Jewish gal is pulling for you all the way. Stay strong.

Dear Me,

I hope you feel less alone now. As a mum, I wish I could sooth things for you and affirm that you are both loved and accepted. Hang in there. Lie if you need to, think of it as a protective way of loving yourself. Loving yourself is just as important as loving ones neighbor.

Kind regards and a virtual hug,
k

I'm incredibly proud of you. This letter really hit a chord in me. I recently became a parent, and I've said it daily since she was born: there's nothing to her that isn't there already, there's nothing better than who she is now, and there's a wonderful future to keep on discovering who she is turning out to be. I'm going to start saying this about you now, too

re #43: "2. You don't have to tell your parents you want a dick in your mouth any more than a teenage girl would have to say that to her parents."

I (as a straight female) never had to tell my parents I wanted to taste dick, and they never asked. They probably try not to think about it, but it's not exactly something that comes up. I *did* have to have the "I want to date a boy" conversation, which was followed by the "birds and the bees" conversation, which was followed by me finally being able to date - but at the time I had the first conversation, it was still theoretical.

I would urge you to focus less on the dick-in-mouth portions of your sexuality and focus more on the life-affirming stuff - you want to find a guy to fall in love with, someone to settle down with, someone to grow old with, etc. Your parents will find that aspect ("I'll either find a nice guy to love or I'll die lonely") a lot easier to digest than having to picture wild gay sexytimes. I'd also suggest emphasizing that this is an orientation, not a crush on a particular guy - you're not going to jump into dating right away, and they will have time to adjust before you do. (That doesn't have to be true, by the way, but give them the courtesy of at least six months to deal with the idea before you introduce a boyfriend to them.)

Your family will eventually come around - because if they don't, you will find a new family who will. The world is full of LGBTQ-friendly, relationship-affirming allies of all orientations and genders, who will happily help you create your own "family" of supporters along down the road if your genetically assigned family doesn't cut it. Good luck.

Hang in there! This came up over FB and might be a perspective the parents would accept: http://freedhearts.wordpress.com/2013/04…

When I came out to my devoutly Catholic mom, one of her first responses was to ask me if I'd consider becoming a priest. When I told her about my first boyfriend, I'm pretty sure she almost cried. But over time, she's become much more accepting, to the point that now she's flying 3,000 miles across the country (with her equally devout husband) to escort me down the aisle at my own big gay wedding next week. I recognize that this isn't everyone's experience, but I believe there is hope for "Me". Also, I wonder how the siblings "Me" mentions might feel about the whole thing. In my experience, I think having a bunch of super-supportive siblings really helped my mom's evolution along.

Me, there are some great references in the above posts, but if you want one more, there is a book by a conservative gay Christian, called Torn. It is by Justin Lee. It is well worth reading. He also created an online Gay Christian Network called http://www.gaychristian.net/ if you want to find Biblical support. I am a progressive Christian, so I'm not much help otherwise. My saying is "If they are telling you that you need to change, what you need to change is your church."

Another really good book is Gay By God, by Michael Piazza. Both books dig into the myth that the Bible says it is wrong to be gay.

I suggest you check out the books, videos and links so you can start arming yourself with responses. Then hand your parents a few of the things you have read and learned and watched. Tell them you will not have a conversation with them until they have read the books, watched the videos and attended at least 2 PFLAG meetings with you. Then the conversation can begin.

And don't forget that we are all here for support if you ever need it.

I'm so proud of you for your honesty and insight. You can be true to yourself and get through this. We're all pulling for you, and your future is your own.

Our Me - Good on you for writing to Mr Savage. And good on you for being able to make yourself and your own happiness the priority. And good on you for getting started so young.

As you have already been bombarded with good advice, I'll just add a couple of points. First, confusion can work in your favour, given your circumstances. Your parents may establish an "official" position that you're "confused", but this gives you the out that you would never, ever marry a woman without being absolutely certain that you could give her all the pleasure and matrimonial attentions that their version of a Good Christian Wife deserves. If they are as strict in their Catholicism as appears to be the case, they can hardly suggest a trial run before marital commitment.

Doubleplusgood on you for being able to put necessary conditions on possible therapy before entering into it. But, just in case the worst happens in that regard, and your parents decide to force you into conversion therapy, stay strong. I beat conversion therapy, and your arsenal with which to combat it is at least as good as mine was and perhaps a good deal better.

I wish you all the support you need for the best transition possible into a grand adulthood. May you bring comfort and support to many of Our Kids in the future.

I don't have any advice, but please know you have my support. If you ever find yourself needing an escape, I'll fly you up to Seattle and you can have our couch for as long as you need it.

I came out to my parents much later than you did, so I don't really have any advice for you except to stay optimistic that your parents will eventually come around (odds are pretty high that they'll be at least neutral about your orientation within a couple years), stay true to yourself but don't be ashamed to lie to your parents if that's what it takes to stay safe.

After I came out to my conservative Christian parents, my mom cried every time I talked to her for months. My dad basically gave me the silent treatment for years. But now she always makes a point of asking how my boyfriend is doing and is looking forward to me taking him home to meet the family at Christmas this year. And my dad, well, let's just say he's still trying.

you are braver than me.... i was 25 before I worked up the courage..... I fought off depression for all me teen years and felt very alone. But I made it.... you can you can you must..... you have a whole and full life waiting for you. I'm 47 now and I am so glad I never gave in... My parents have a bigger problem with me voting for Obama these days than my being gay... In fact I would say my being gay is a distant second to my political stance these days.... :) they took me and my boyfriend to lunch last time I went to visit... Big improvement from the days when all I got was silence at the mention of anything gay in my life much less a boyfriend...... hang in there...... you are close to the finish line..... don't give in now.....

Life is one per customer. Your parents have theirs, and you have yours. They don't get to live your life; they don't get to run your life; they don't get to tell you who to love or who to be.

Don't worry about disappointing your parents; worry about disappointing YOU. Your life belongs to you in a way that nothing else in this world does. It's absolutely and totally yours, and you get to live your life in the way that works for you, NOT in the way that works for your parents.

Hugs and best wishes.

From my Facebook feed: http://freedhearts.wordpress.com/2013/04…

I came out as a lesbian when I was 17 in my Catholic family. I'm now 20 years married to my heart's desire, with 2 kids, one about to be a teen. (And I'm still Catholic.)

You can do this. Rely on whatever healthy things you have that give you strength and know that your parents love you more than even they know. They'll come around.

Keep yourself safe and know that we are with you.

Hey Me.

If you ever get as far down the comment section to read this, I'd like to suggest reading "Uncommon Calling" by Chris Glaser, and "Taking a chance on God" by John McNeill. James Alison, Malcolm Boyd and Mel White are other good authors whose theology has given me hope as a gay Christian.
And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Andrew Sullivan. The man saved my faith and gave me hope when I thought I had none. His book Virtually Normal is mandatory. But any time you have the chance to hear him talk on YouTube on any topic, you'll be impressed. A good man and a servant of God, if ever there was one.

Now some advice if you can stand it:

Gay people aren't perfect. So try to learn about the Gay community , but don't let things that bother you about it be used as weapon to declare being Gay wrong or evil in and of itself. It is one of the greatest tricks that I've seen used against Gay people. Don't fall for it.

Remember that if the Christian God is God, He is just and loving. And He loves you so much that he came of his throne to break His own law so that you might have LIFE, and life to the fullest. And then He died for you and rose again to live for you, each and every day.
So you have value, you have worth, and every Gay person has value and worth. Always keep this in your heart.

Peter Rollins is a weird theologian from Dublin. This is my paraphrase of one of his parables.

One day a small city was being attacked by a large empire with a mighty army. It looked like this city had no hope for survival, so the inhabitants went to their Seer to find out what she could learn from God. She went to commune with him for a few hours, and when she came back to them, she was pale as a ghost. "We're Doomed!" she said, "God is with the Army of our enemy and is fighting with them!"."There is no Hope".
In despair the inhabitants went to the leader of the army and told him everything they had learned from the Seer. "Should we surrender now and beg for mercy?" they asked him. The commander of the army was silent for a moment. And then he did a very strange thing. He gathered every man, woman, and child who could fight, armed them, and sent them immediately into battle.
The battle was fierce with much bloodshed and many deaths but, somehow, the small city won the battle and crushed her enemies.
When the victory had been won,the survivors were in shock ,and no one more than the Seer, who had spoken with God. "Why did you go into this Battle?", she asked the Commander, "How could you possibly have thought you could win this battle, when God was fighting against you?"
The Commander replied: "When God is in the battle, it doesn't matter whose side he fights for, the oppressed always win."

The oppressed always win.

God bless you.

I'm impressed that this thread has had 77+ comments without a single troll (with the possible exception of #63, Kim in Portland)

As I was reading this question, I was thinking "I wish I could hand you the book that I just finished, Rapture Practice" - and then I read further. As someone who was raised Catholic, M, and has moved away to pursue my dream job and live with my girlfriend I'd say hang in there, M. Not all Catholics are like your family, and things will get better. Do what you need to until you can leave home, and you'll find it's easier to love some families from a distance.

"My dad thinks that it is easier to hook up with men than women, and that I want to take the easier route."

What the hell does that mean? Maybe dad's speaking from experience.

I was thinking the same last thing Dan advised, Me, just lie if you have to. Tell your mom you prayed about it and your cured, Devil Be Gone! (By the way, the fact that you had to conceal a smirk when she said the Devil was in you shows your wonderful sense of humor. Fall back on that as often as possible. It's a ridiculous situation, one NO kid should have to endure, but one day, you'll laugh at all the dumbass things they said... while regaling your handsome boyfriend with tales of teen survival. Lastly, know that Jesus was a good guy. He would NEVER make you feel bad about who you are. Wish your parents would try to be a little more Christlike instead of Christian.

Dear Me,

I'm a young(ish) gay man and, not too many years ago, I was a Catholic like yourself. (In fact, I once wanted to be a priest!) While I ultimately left the church and don't really consider myself religious, I want to stress that there doesn't have to be a conflict between your faith and your identity. Of course a lot of Catholics will tell you that you can't be both Catholic and gay, and unfortunately a lot of the more militant atheists here on slog will tell you that you can't (or shouldn't) be both gay and Catholic. Which is bullshit; you shouldn't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot be! Catholicism is obviously not the easiest religion to be gay in and other commenters have already suggested more gay-friendly denominations (to which I'd add the unitarians and the MCC). That said, there are a number of wonderful organizations working for full sexual equality in the Church which you might not be aware of, so I thought I'd list a few of these:

First off, there is Dignity USA, an organization by and for gay Catholics. They do great work and they have a youth caucus which is for people just like yourself. Secondly, there is Call to Action, a really wonderful organization which was formative in my development as a gay man, a leftist and an activist. In addition to GLBT issues they're very active in women's rights, anti-racism, and in some really radical peace and justice work. (I'm not sure where you're located but they have chapters in almost every state, with contact info listed on their page.) They also have a joint project with Dignity USA (and another group, "New Ways Ministry") called "Equally Blessed," which is for "faithful Catholics committed to full LGBT equality." So that's another organization you could check out.

Finally, there's the Catholic Worker's Movement. While as far as I know the movement as a whole hasn't taken an official position on sexuality, I've never met anyone with the Catholic Workers who wasn't fully affirming and the work they do is really radical. Founded by Doris Day, they're essentially a group of Catholic social-anarchists who oppose capitalism and private property--"from each according to his ability, to each according to his need!" They've got houses all over the country and they do amazing work with the poor and the homeless on a very real and meaningful basis, along with broader social justice and anti-imperialism stuff.

I guess the broader message I want to give you (without knowing anything about your politics) is that, in addition to conservative Catholics, there is a lively and truly awe-inspiring tradition of radical Catholics in this country, who, in addition to full equality for the GLBT community, are committed more broadly to social, political and economic equality for all people on this earth. If, as you continue to grow and explore your spirituality, you're looking to remain within the Catholic church, I can't recommend these groups enough.

Dear Me:

You've received so much encouraging advice ... so I'll just give you MORE of it. As others have mentioned, if you need to lie to stay safe, then you lie for a couple of years. Perhaps you can share ideas on the Trevor chat line (or at a GSA) of how others have dealt with this issue. With your parents being as dogmatically devout, then at least there's no risk that your dad might drag you off to a female sex worker!

You've received several excellent suggestions of Christian faith groups that would support you unconditionally. Where I live (largest city in Canada), we also have Jewish and Muslim groups. I belong to an MCC (part of UFMCC) which was started in Cali by a young passionate gay man from a Southern Baptist tradition who had a gift for preaching. He started the denomination because he felt there had to be a place where LGBT Christians shouldn't have to deny either their spirituality or their sexuality.

When you are out on your own, then you can begin to speak more honestly with your parents without fear of physical repercussions (being thrown out, thrust into damaging reparative “therapy” or physically harmed). They may shun you, but I hope you will pray that they will come to see the light. It's helpful to know that there are already several Republicans in office who are fully accepting of their family members' sexual orientations.

In earlier times, I know that one of the greatest worries that most parents had was that you'd never get a chance to get married, settle down and have children (denying them grandchildren). But that's no longer the case everywhere, so you can reassure them that – when you find the right boy TO FALL IN LOVE WITH (just don't mention how much you want his cock in your mouth; what they don't know or refuse to imagine won't hurt them!) – then you will be continuing to carry on a major societal tradition ... and belonging.

It's extra difficult when dealing with Catholic parents because it's not just gay sex that's a sin, but also straight sex outside of marriage or using contraception. Still, you should know that many otherwise observant Catholics do not agree with Church teachings and consider ANY of the above to be private matters of conscience. Just remember to stay strong if confronted with the schizophrenic notion that the sinner can be loved while the sin is hated (empty and highly confusing words that can make your life miserable if you are brainwashed by them).

Finally, one last piece of advice that I like to give: While your parents may demand your respect, they will probably be far less likely to return it to you. But, as long as you are true to your own conscience and are a GOOD person, then you deserve their respect as well. Many prayers sent from across the border for your happy and whole future!

Hey, "me", I'm an older gay guy, and I've seen this many times before. At one point, almost all of my gay friends have had to confront their parents. Sometimes when they're teenagers, sometimes much later.

(1) Parents: Your parents are well meaning and think they're doing the right thing. They're wrong. This is pretty common. Many parents don't accept it at first. Some get over it pretty quickly and come around to supporting you. Some take longer, sometimes years. Some never do. You have very little control over this. I also recommend PFLAG. It has helped a lot of parents come around. Probably the single best resource out there for parents.

Don't hang your emotional wellbeing on your parent's approval. You are a great person, regardless of whether or not your parents can see that. If they can't get their shit together and be the loving parents they are supposed to be, then to heck with them. Find support elsewhere.

(2) Religion: Catholicism isn't the only choice. The catholic church is pretty hostile to gays. If you really feel like you need religious expression in your life, try attending an Episcopal church. Episcopalians are pretty similar to catholics, and there is a lot of similarity in their church services, but they support gay marriage, have gay bishops, allow women to be ministers, and allow their ministers to marry. There are other christian denominations out there who are supportive of gays as well. Quakers, MCC, Unitarian, etc, etc... But Episcopalians are probably the closest to what you are used to.

Or, give up religion altogether. Really, once you start to question some of the nonsense the catholic church is feeding you, many of us start to question the entire package. I stopped believing in god about the same time I stopped believing in Santa Claus. I kept going to church for several years, but I was just going through the motions, making my mom happy. I stopped going the day I moved out on my own. I haven't set foot in a church in more than a decade, and honestly, I'm happier without all that guilt and dogma.

So many terrific ideas here, Me, and I just wanted to add a hug and some love and lots of good thoughts and hopes for you. I have a teenage daughter and the thought of a child her age going through this... I find it maddening and heartbreaking.

Did you see those recent findings about gay men being happier than straight men? There were plenty of theories about that, and mine is that once you've gone through whatever you need to do to accept yourself despite the misery that you're dealing with now, you're just plain happier - more at peace with yourself, with the people that you choose to have in your life, with the world you create for yourself.

There are better times ahead for you! Please please send Dan a letter to tell us all about them.

I will tell you what I told my daughter when she came out at age 15. You are who you are. You are exactly who you are supposed to be. You couldn't change your sexual orientation even if you wanted to. All you can do is be the best 'you' you can be. Take a deep breath, stand up straight, get comfortable in your own skin. Not everyone is going to like you. That's okay and that's true for everybody. Other people's ignorance and prejudice say far far more about them than about you. It does get better. I wish this is what your mom had said to you when you had the great courage to speak your truth.

I'm extremely proud to report that my daughter is graduating from high school this weekend and is looking forward to starting the rest of her life. It was a tough couple of years but she made it. You can do it too. And then you get to decide who you want to spend time with, what kind of life you want to live. Please hang in there. It's a big world, you'll find your place.

Dear "Me",

There's a good chance they'll try and bully you into conversion therapy or counseling of some sort to "un-gay" you. They'll become more controlling and less loving the closer you get to 18 and adulthood because they will not like giving up control over you (if they're anything like my parents). Devote a lot of energy and time and hard work in getting good grades in school and think about ways you can support yourself when you are an adult. Get a summer job and save your money and open your own bank account. When you are 18, put some miles between you and your parents.

You're beautiful, kid.

Hi there, Me! Here is my little piece of advice: Keep yourself grounded. A couple of people have already mentioned the It Gets Better videos, but this is my spin on that: make it a habit to watch at least one per day, more if you have additional time or a particularly difficult day. They're ALL great reminders of what is out there waiting for you, and there are thousands of them. I can tell you from experience: They DO help. As a married, straight middle-age adult woman I'm nowhere in the intended target audience for this project, but due to PTSD I have struggled with depression and anxiety for many years. Whenever I'm having an "off" day or feel a depressive episode coming up I watch a couple of the clips. If anything, they help put my perceived "misery" in perspective and give me a boost to soldier on. They have managed to pull me out of some dark places at times when I have not had anyone close to talk to. Like you, I have a loving Catholic family that was just not brought up to understand what I feel. You have a great life ahead to look forward to. You WILL get there. Take care!
D.

@78 Maybe you haven't been reading comments here for very long, but...

#63-Kim in Portland - not a troll. Far from it.

I have to add that I had the same thought you did regarding the absence of trolls in the comments.

Me,

I don't know if I can add to what you've already been given.

I'm so glad that you wrote to Dan. I hope you can feel the love and support from the community here. I sure feel it - again. I wish that I'd had access to this kind of advice and support when I came out to my Pentecostal family 30 years ago.

Be strong and stay safe. I wish you peace in this time of confusion and insecurity.

You are not alone.

@89 That was, perhaps, my poor attempt at humor. I specifically picked on Kim because she is, in my opinion, the epitome of an anti-troll. See what I did there yada yada yada.

@90 Only registered comments allowed on this one. Says a lot about how much the tone changes, eh?

There's a lot of "it gets better" coming from people a fair bit older than you, LW, and don't get me wrong, that's absolutely fantastic. But I wanted to offer the same message from someone whose reality isn't quite as far away from yours. I'm 19, I came out when I was 16, and I can honestly say the happiness you get from being honest with yourself, your family, friends, and eventually the world, is a kind of happiness that can't be taken away from you.

When you're happy with yourself, who you are, and how you got there, no one can touch you. And that's not decades away, that's years or months away. It might even be weeks away.

Obviously be sensible, be safe, and always be comfortable. But don't fret about having to suffer for decades before finding happiness, because you won't have to.

78--As mentioned above, KiP is not a troll. She's a genuinely graceful soul with a lot of compassion and humility. Sadly, she doesn't comment here as much as she used to, but she is always a welcome presence.

Do you have a good relationship with your siblings? Is there a brother and/or sister who can be an ally to you? If you do, this is the time to speak honestly with that sibling about how the pressure from your parents is affecting you. You write that they are practically perfect, but maybe, like you, they have their own secrets which they have kept shuttered from living in a repressive environment. Secrets that may make them feel defensive, or maybe very supportive.

You are experiencing a lot of parental heat right now, which takes the spotlight off of the others. Often in families with very conservative values, there is a vanguard sibling who by revealing their true selves, take a lot of heat off the others in the family making it easier when they too reveal their own interests, beliefs, and orientations which do not align with what Mom and Dad have dictated . Even if you need to tell Mom and Dad that you were mistaken in your orientation for the time being, you were still the first man on the moon if you will. Feel proud for setting this example in the family.

Finally, my husband's brother came out as a teenager to a family almost identical in description. My husband (the older brother) knew from the time he understood sexuality that his brother was gay. When his brother started experiencing the exact same type of pressure your parents are placing on you (seriously if it sounds like a script, it's because it is) my husband was old enough to know that by threatening to cut off his involvement with his parents if they continued to engage in their behavior, the ball towards acceptance would get rolling.

That threat pushed his parents to make those first steps towards healthy respectful communication. By getting to know their son without talking about "praying the gay away", it made them appreciate all that they were missing by making his sexuality the focus over the many other things he is. And now, years later, his brother and boyfriend participate in the family in an open loving way. It is not their parent's preference, but there are lots of ways children are in both conservative and liberal families that do not align with parental preference. The main thing is that they shut up about it. Because otherwise they would lose both their children.

Perhaps this will help, maybe not, but know that if you are brave enough to do this now there won't be much you'll be scared to do. You are honest and strong and kind. Sounds like you are officially a man.

The one thing that I am always surprised about in these situations is that the people claiming that being gay is a choice recognize FOR YEARS that their child is gay! Your mom knew you were gay before you ever said anything about it, so she brought it up to confirm what she already knew to be true. How is there a 'choice' in that? How does that logic not seep through?

Hang on to hope, though--I grew up ultra-conservative, right-wing fundamentalist all the way, and then I really did grow up and learned that life isn't that rigid, and that God's love isn't limited to a select handful of folks, and that denying people the right to be with a person they love is a hateful, un-Christlike response. I'm praying your parents come to that same knowledge much sooner than later.

Either way, Me, there are lots of people who've been there, and it feels impossible, but you'll get through, and with or without your parent's support and understanding, you will have love and joy in your life. Blessings to you!

Definitely consider lying to them to get them off your back. Just like Dan said, it's a survival tactic to get you through the next few years. Once you're on your own, you can tell them the truth (again). When they then hit you with the "Why did you lie to us?" line, you can tell them "You forced me to lie to you in order to survive."

Also, as a coping strategy, try thinking of your parents as they could well be ten years from now, (loving AND accepting) and keep that in mind.

And please please please use those resources that Dan gave you when you need someone to talk to. You are absolutely NOT alone.

everyone always forgets that if you want to convince someone that the bible is, in fact, not anti-lgbt, there are several great books out there

the one i refer to most often is "What the bible really says about homosexuality" by Daniel Helminiak
http://www.amazon.com/What-Bible-Really-…

also, the movie "Fish Out of Water" (available on netflix streaming)

also.....i used to retort to my parents "well, i'm praying for you too" that usually sent them into a stunned silence, and it eventually convinced them that gay and God do not have to be so separate after all

also.....seriously take the advice above...NO ONE will think less of you for protecting yourself

I strongly recommend a wonderful book by Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson of Vermont called "God believes in Love", Robinson is himself gay and married, and grew up in an evangelical household. In the book he looks at each of the bible texts that "prove" an anti-gay bias, and de-bunks them. And, as the title says, he emphasizes that God believes in love, not hate, and you are as God made you, beautiful and perfect in all ways. At some point in your life you may choose to let go of religious belief, but if you are looking for a place to reconcile God and being Gay, this is a great place to start.

"And all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well"
Mother Julian of Norwich.

Peace and Joy,
Fiona

It does get better. Know this and wear it like armor. So much great advice here that I can't say anything that hasn't been said already. There is so much love for you, Me. I will carry you in my heart from now on. Please let Dan know how you are doing so he can update us. Consider yourself hugged every day. Take good care of yourself, little brother.

I am a straight parent. I want this boy to know that he is loved - by millions of people, gay and straight; men and women; parents and non-parents; even religious and non-religious. That right now, their hearts are filled with love for him. I hope he can feel it.

Me:

Oh my darling. Oh my lovely, lovely boy. You probably don't have a lesbian aunt or older sister, but I would so much like to be that person to you. I would like to let you talk until you couldn't talk anymore, and cry if you needed to, and give you a space to be yourself, and feed you ice cream and pretzels to let you know that I loved you.

Your parents will come around eventually, of course. You and I both know how much they love you. But that doesn't make it any easier right now. Right now it is hard and sucky and stifling and painful. It is so difficult to hang in there, and it is so unfair of us to ask you to do it. You already know why you're doing it, though. Because you deserve your happiness.

And you'll get it, sweet pea. Two years is a horridly long time to swim those water by yourself, but you'll make it. And you'll use the resources mentioned above when you need a chance to rest, and sometimes you'll find some wonderful person to swim with you. Hold safe to that beautiful part of you that wrote to Dan and that knows you need your happiness. Hold safe to that amazing capacity you have to love another guy. When you finally get here, when you get to adulthood, and college, we'll still be here. And we'll throw you a party.

We love you so much, kiddo.