Asshole, indeed. I pity straight women who have to screw straight men.

I'd think investing in a dual action rabbit vibrator-ildo from Babeland might be a really good plan. I don't know if she's practiced penetration or not, but -- seems wise to get used to penetration if that's still a new-ish thing.

Good luck: sorry your last lover was a selfish jackass.

sorry on behalf of decent guys everywhere...

Since @3 was an unregistered user, let me just reiterate: you should not still be bleeding. Please see a compassionate doctor soon.

Yep. Not everyone who has a dick is one.

Echoing the advice to see a doctor. Bleeding after several months isn't normal. It sounds like some tissues were torn and haven't been able to heal.

It seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction to be afraid that sex will be painful if the only experience she's had was painful, and there may be some residual damage, but I can't see any reason to be nervous that "being past 30 with one terrible sexual experience to my name is even more hard to explain than being an older virgin." NONE. She was an older virgin for a presumably good reason. The fact that the sexual experience was terrible doesn't reflect on her in any way; that the guy was brutal and insensitive isn't her fault. If this happened only a few months ago, it is much the same as being a virgin past 30. In fact, most of the same issues exist, issues which call for slowness and gentleness and sensitivity.

Everyone makes mistakes in sizing up people and people often misrepresent themselves. That she was misled by her last boyfriend doesn't mean her new one will or should look down on her for exhibiting poor judgment.

All she needs to say is that she has little sexual experience (she isn't required to mention how recently she lost her virginity if she doesn't want to), and that her last experience was traumatic and too rough for her, leaving her a bit gun shy. She can say that she wants to take things very slowly and gently and that he needs to listen to her if she tells him to slow down or stop, but that she thinks he's sexy as hell and she looks forward to savoring a slow and anticipation-built approach to the moment where they pull out all the stops and go full steam ahead.

I wish her good luck and I hope she has a great sexual experience that unfolds slowly and in stages.

Just because people often forget this when it comes to vaginas: There are a lot of muscles involved down there. Just as having pain associated with an anal intercourse experience can make it hard for a person to voluntarily relax the muscles involved and enjoy it subsequently, the same can happen with vaginas.

Assuming nothing is physically wrong (and I'm with the people suggesting seeing a doctor if the bleeding is still going on), keep in mind that your vagina is a muscular organ and those muscles may tense involuntarily because of the previous unpleasant experience. Extreme cases are part of a condition called vaginismus, but lots of women will have, at one time or another, "nope, fuck this, ain't happening" experiences where their vagina just isn't in the mood to be penetrated.

So follow Dan's advice. Build back up to penetration slowly. Try to associate pleasure with penetration prior to trying intercourse, like with fingers, your new guy's tongue, small toys, etc. Don't push yourself, because you want to avoid any further pain.

So sorry for your terrible experience Gun Shy. I agree with Dan and everyone saying you should seek medical care right away. Spotting or bleeding that is not menstruation could be a sign of a sexually transmitted infection or pregnancy as well as trauma. Planned Parenthood would be a great resource if you don't have a gynecologist or nurse practitioner already. Definitely see someone before you attempt vaginal sex again. I also second Dan's advice to take PIV off the menu and stick to oral/manual sex at first. I also like the idea of getting accustomed to vaginal penetration with toys before trying PIV again. Finally, don't be afraid to use plenty of lube, whether with toys or PIV. It might make things a lot more comfortable, especially if you are using condoms (which I hope is the case since this is a new partner). Best of luck!

@Dan, +1.

DRF @6, well said. Thank you.

When I lost my virginity I bled quite a bit for over a month. The doctor told me my hymen hadn't fully broken and that it would need to be surgically snipped the rest of the way if the bleeding didn't stop (thankfully it did). She definitely needs to see a doctor ASAP and take extra care to keep the wound clean so she doesn't get an infection. This hurts like hell... I wish her the lady parts a speedy recovery.

When I lost my virginity I bled quite a bit for over a month. The doctor told me my hymen hadn't fully broken and that it would need to be surgically snipped the rest of the way if the bleeding didn't stop on its own (thankfully it did). She definitely needs to see a doctor ASAP and take extra care to keep the wound clean so she doesn't get an infection. This hurts like hell... I wish her the lady parts a speedy recovery.

Dear GS:

If you can't be comfortable talking with your partner...

Given that you aren't a teen, treat your age as an advantage: act like an adult that expects respect. In your thirties you should expect it most anywhere, even in your own body.

Peace

Any decent guy would happily go slowly and gently. I know I would. And it wouldn't be the least bit of a turnoff either. I'd be proud to give a woman her first (pleasurable) sexual experience.

I'd incline more to liken his reaction to drawing from a deck of cards than to the coin flip that is presented, but don't disagree with anything stated in Mr Savage's answer, assuming the usual forms of logic apply.

People seem to be inferring that the new man will be much more experienced than she is; what if he isn't? Is hers a case requiring someone who's navigated the situation much more often?

Damn girl just suck his dick n take it in the ass instead,

Nothing wrong with messing around without intercourse, or with going slow, or with letting the lady lead while she gets comfortable. All of that sounds fun, actually. Best of luck to her.

I challenge Dan's comment in that the way the guy reacts will be a solid indicator of whether he'll be humane in the sack. People lie to get laid. Men and women.

Just, saying if the guy you're dating does the same thing, it doesn't mean the whole world out there is like that.

@9 & @10 +1

Lube, and be careful of vaginismus and a "classically conditioned" response developing. You may want to use a dildo / vibrator for a while even if you don't use one so you get used to the sensations of penetration. There are specially designed small sizes (narrow) that then steadily get wider avail. from physicians in order for you to get used to the sensations of penetration and stretch so penetrative penis-in-vagina will feel good.

Definitely see a gynecologist -- some women have particularly thick hymen tissue / small opening which may need to be surgically addressed in a simple procedure called a hymenectomy. Some women need to use the vaginal dilators (sized dildos) even after this and for a few, penis-in-vagina sex is never comfortable, but that's quite a small %.

You also may have something like vaginal or cervical polyps. Planned Parenthood is sliding scale if you don't have insurance, and if you are rich, go to your in-network gyn and donate some money to planned parenthood!

Don't forget to wrap each other in plastic wrap and wear rubber gloves, dental dams and condoms on every appendage for a romantic experience.

Definitely get to a doctor before you try any kind of penetration (even just fingers) with this new guy! If you've still got some unhealed tissues, you don't want to reopen any wounds.

Good luck - and I wonder if it would help you to find a place where you can read other people's experiences of losing their virginity. It definitely isn't fun for everyone.

"unless he's some sort of Jekyll & Hyde freak who becomes a totally different person during vaginal intercourse—which seems highly unlikely"
Dude, did you even WATCH season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

@25, you win the Internet for the week

@25, delightful!

I have to disagree with Dan's assumption that a nan who sounds sympathetic necessarily will be. I agree with @20. People lie. "Trust me. I'm nothing like that guy," is exactly the kind of lie I'd expect from a freak. Now, on the other hand, if the new guy suggests going slow and taking p-in-v off the table for a while, and if he sticks to that plan and actually IS gentle and not rushing to fuck right away--that you can trust.

Captain Obvious here: If you are still occasionally bleeding "a few months" later, you have a wound that is remaining open. You really need to see a doctor about this, to either stitch a rent closed or to finish breaking your hymen (surgically, this time) as someone else mentioned.

In any case, no PIV intercourse until you get that wound taken care of, are properly healed up, and aren't bleeding at random anymore!

Seriously: make that doctor's appointment TODAY. Sorry to sound alarmist, but the longer you leave the injury open, the more likely you are to develop scar tissue, which will wreak havoc all its own on your sexual response. PLEASE go get thoroughly examined and have whatever is wrong there treated, asap.

I think most male-person grown-ups are fully aware that women are sometimes treated badly by men, and certainly by age approximately-30 it (sadly) shouldn't be at all surprising for him to learn that you've had a bad experience. Once you're physically healed and ready to move forward, I wouldn't expect it to be difficult to start the conversation. ("Listen, I need to tell you something about me...") I think I'm an average fella, and I certainly wouldn't be freaked out by that. He may run away (and good job finding that out early), but, more likely, he'll welcome the opportunity to do better for you on your terms. Either way, you win. (Or just show him this letter and the responses.)

@11- I'm not sure about your point, because until I was over 30, I didn't lubricate much. Sex is a lot more comfortable for me now that I do- but more lube isn't always better for the guy. My current partner is the best lover I have ever had, but I get so wet when we're fucking that sometimes there isn't enough friction for him to be able to come. What to do with this issue?

This first time dont see so much different than first times of young women. lot's of folks regret/didn't have a good time the first time.

I'd give the new guy a context-free hump once to see if it's just "better" and requiring no explanation. If it's problematic, then have the conversation.

@35:
This first time seems to be very different to any first time of anyone I know (of course only of those friends who discuss such things with their friends).

There's a difference between "extremely clumsy" and "extremely physically rough despite my protestations".

Very similar situation happened to a friend of mine. I usually agree with Dan, but not here. First, just a hunch, but the fact that you are using the word intercourse makes me think Dan's suggestions for your first time with new guy sound a little too non-traditional. Second, he could be a really great guy, but if you tell him the whole truth up front, he might be concerned about hurting you emotionally and freak out. I think it's better to just say something like sex is really important to you, and when you are with a new guy, it's really important to go slow, be gentle, makes everything work better down there, use your own works, make a joke of it, whatever. You should see a doctor, because there are a lot of reasons for pain/bleeding, but you should know it's not uncommon to bleed sporadically after p-i-v sex, and you might very well bleed the first time you have p-i-v sex with new guy. Get ready for that so you won't be shocked and embarrassed. Let him know you are not a virgin, but this happens sometimes, which is not a lie. He should wear a condom obviously. I think later, when you're confident he's not going anywhere, then you can give him the details on your sexual history, out of respect for honesty and disclosure and all that. But I don't think it's a good idea to say it the first time around. Why make him more nervous than he needs to be?
A mutual friend had additional good advice for my female friend that went through this; he said you don't want the guy to think your a frigid person because you've had limited and bad experience with p-i-v sex, which is often a conclusion someone would jump to. Let him know you are a sexual person, either by flat out saying it, or physically showing him, by kissing him in places besides his mouth, looking in his eyes and telling him he's good looking, all that stuff that seems obvious, unless it doesn't.

Very similar situation happened to a friend of mine. I usually agree with Dan, but not here. First, just a hunch, but the fact that you are using the word intercourse makes me think Dan's suggestions for your first time with new guy sound a little too non-traditional. Second, he could be a really great guy, but if you tell him the whole truth up front, he might be concerned about hurting you and freak out. I think it's better to just say something like sex is really important to you, and when you are with a new guy, it's really important to go slow, be gentle, makes everything work better down there, use your own works, make a joke of it, whatever. You should see a doctor, because there are a lot of reasons for pain/bleeding, but you should know it's not uncommon to bleed sporadically after p-i-v sex, and you might very well bleed the first time you have p-i-v sex with new guy. Many women bleed the 2nd time. Get ready for that so you won't be shocked and embarrassed. Let him know you are not a virgin, but this can happen sometimes, (which is not a lie). He should wear a condom obviously. I think later, when you're confident he's not going anywhere, then you can give him the details on your sexual history, out of respect for honesty and disclosure and all that. But I don't think it's a good idea to say it the first time around. Why make him more nervous than he needs to be?

A mutual friend had additional good advice for my female friend that went through this; he said you don't want the guy to think your a frigid person because you've had limited and bad experience with p-i-v sex, which is often a conclusion someone would jump to. Let him know you are a sexual person, either by flat out saying it, or physically showing him, by kissing him in places besides his mouth, looking in his eyes and telling him he's good looking, all that stuff that seems obvious, unless it doesn't.

This dick's behavior reminds me of a Ben Harper song: "I'm taking the Mr. out from in front of your name because it's the Mr. like you who puts the rest of to shame."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtPly0Wmg…

@34 - my solution to over lubrication (either natural, the bottled stuff, or a mix) is to grab a corner of the sheet or a discarded piece of clothing and wipe off when switching positions.

To the OP, I'll echo to please go to the doctor and get checked out. While I've occasionally bled after a night of rougher than usual sex, sporadic bleeding for MONTHS is a huge red flag (pun left intentionally). You should let him know the last time was no good and left you a bit skittish, but I have no idea if you should tell him you are one bad experience from being a virgin...

42 comments and nobody has yet used the word "rape?"

@43: Comment 11 did.

Yeah, registered users should probably know rape when they see it, too (not to mention Dan himself).

@43 completely agree--very concerning that 'extreme physical roughness despite her protestations' didn't even raise the question from Dan. #7's comment sounds pretty dead on to me but I had to go back and look since I normally don't read unregistered (that extra click and all).

@40 right on, love that song.

@33: Sure. A week after giving consent to sex, you can withdraw consent, and if the other person continues having sex with you after that point, then it's rape. It's kinda like how I can withdraw my money from the bank at any time, and if they keep it past that point, it's theft. If you're confused by the difference between "I can do X at any time" and "I can do X retroactively," perhaps you should consult a dictionary.

@47: "Sure. A week after giving consent to sex, you can withdraw consent, and if the other person continues having sex with you after that point, then it's rape."

Unless you have been having sex continuously the entire intervening week, your sentence does not compute. You seem to understand what retroactive means, but one wouldn't know that from the example you tried to spin.