Odd. This was the first SLLOTD reprint I didn't vividly remember. I must have missed it the first time. Thank goodness I caught it.

Is S&M really illegal in some states? That doesn't seem right...

Also, it sounds like she just wrote it out herself. If that is the case it isn't really a will (in some states it might be if it is hand written) and wouldn't have any effect. She should consult a lawyer. There are a lot of formalities that have to be followed with a will, and it is relatively cheap to get a professional to do one.

I wonder what state it was.

I don't think that is right. I don't think BDSM is actually illegal, but their appear to be a smattering of cases where assault convictions were obtained as a result of BDSM play. Courts have been relectant to allow consent as a defense, but they are also mostly cases where the complaining party was claiming that they didn't consent. That isn't really the same as BDSM being illegal, and it certainly has no bearing on a dog collar.

Wait. I thought Lawrence v. Texas threw out all laws against private consensual sexual activity in the United States, regardless of the gender of the participants. That was in 2003. So, what anti-S&M law is the letter writer referring to in her 2009 letter?

Euhm, whats wrong with the obvious line "and its up to my girlfriend to take care of all the stuff I didn't mention, she can keep it or toss it", yeah, this is drama bondage queen wanting to make a statement and probably wanting to dish out some posthumous humiliation, imagine you being a grieving wife and sitting there with your lawyer....

Not sure if she and her girlfriend live together. If they do, she should have her girlfriend just say it's hers if the time should come. Or she should give it to her girlfriend now (unless that would violate some sort of Dom/sub protocol).

A "touch" of the drama queen? More like a mauling. What a stupid question.

"before the IRS can take the rest." is so very wrong. Even in 2009, $3,500,000 of each estate was exempted from taxation by the federal government. It is now $5,250,000. Unless this "27-year-old bi girl" is an heiress or a very young retiree from the dot-com boom, NONE of her assets would be taxed upon her death, with or without a will. Even a solid-gold dog collar, unless it is over 277 pounds of gold (at today's prices).

As @6 observes, rewriting her message: I GET "to specify each item and its recipient" and I'm grooving on imagining everyone's embarrassment when they meet at the lawyer's office.

@10 DAVIDinKENAI is wrong that there's a $5.25 million exemption. Even today, unless a couple is in a state with same-sex marriage, every penny may be subject to a state inheritance tax in many states. The exemption to which DAVID refers is only for blood relatives and spouses, adult children, etc.

Also, federal tax still applies to same-sex couples unless they get married and not everyone living in states that are biased can travel / establish residency to a sane state for marriage purposes.

In NJ for example it's 15% on any amount if you're not married / an exempt relative.

Having said that, of course, small property values are very unlikely to get taxed and anything under the annual tax-free gift limit is probably safe (a few thousand? not sure).

@10 or it could be that there are things she owns which she wants to leave to specific people because she knows they will appreciate them and her girlfriend may not know that fact. There are things that both my husband and I specify should go to specific people. In both cases, they were things that involved situations in our lives before we met each other. If he (or I) weren't specific, the other wouldn't have known it had emotional value to another. She may be high drama, but a little rational and or kind thought from the audience isn't a bad think (deliberate) either.

Unfortunately, there's no keystroke for eye-rolling, which is all I'd want to put here.

Most stationary shops have a basic will you can fill out and get witnessed. If your estate is simple and its disbursement straightforward, e.g. "I leave everything to my spouse," it will do fine. I can see adding in one or two mementos--grandma's antique ring to your sister, your Camaro to your brother--but if it's remotely complex--and she seems to want it to be complex--that's when you get a lawyer to make sure all the phrasing is ironclad.

She implies that the engagement inspired her to make the will: nothing wrong with that, except that "all to spouse" is the obvious wording in that case. (She could leave a letter for fiancee in which she spelled out any complicated dispersal of sentimental property to relatives.)

The only way anyone other than the fiancee even cares about the leather collar is if its encrusted with high-quality gemstones.

I'm idly wondering if these one-off calls to experts (as opposed to regular go-tos like Tristan Taormino, Jesse Bering, the Babeland owners, etc.) get any possible annoyance assuaged with a 1-year Stranger mail subscription, a boxed set of Savage books, a Cupcake Royale/Fran's Chocolates/Molly Moon gift certificate, or something else.

Unless there are super complicated estate issues, she should use off-the-shelf will-making software. Nolo's worked just fine for me. (Except now I have to redo it because one of my witnesses recently passed away.)

Ms Cute - Agreed, although it is gratifying to see a letter live up so completely to my little idea that people who identify so entirely as Top or Sub tend not to produce LMB reactions because they can't get that far.

@8 I always thought eyeroll was 8-(

@14-FTW. What a ridiculous letter by a ridiculously ignorant [naive, stupid?] woman. I'm surprised Dan stooped so low to answer it in 2009, and now to have reprinted it?! Yikes.

@11: Did I say "federal"? Oh, look, yes, I did say "federal". The LW referred to the IRS, a federal agency. Federal tax law provides that if an asset is left to a spouse or a Federally recognized charity, the tax does not apply. But marriage equality or not, $5,250,000 can be given upon their death, without incurring federal gift or federal estate taxes. My apologies for not repeating "federal" twice in each and every sentence.

NJ may collect inheritance taxes. I wish more states (and the Feds) collected more "death taxes". The recipient didn't invest, earn or previously pay taxes on the windfall. Some states follow federal practices, some states have no inheritance taxes at all , some tax all inheritances with no exemption. States which do collect inheritance taxes on estates do not collect nearly the 40% the feds do on amounts to non-spouses over $5,250,000.

@12: Agreed, if you are concerned about who will get what, a will is a vehicle to make that happen. That said, I've seen it done with more grace and connection when a sick relative, knowing their time was coming, distributed their personal items to the people they wanted. Most of us will die in a nursing home bed, not a firey plane crash, so there is often the opportunity to give, receive, and communicate why during one's demise.

If you can't legally marry, definitely have a written will. If your assets will exceed $5M or your state will tax your estate, you can avoid some of that by jumping through versus hoops - gifts, trusts, living trusts, etc. But really, dog collars?!?

Worry a little about who gets your dog. Worry more about the future of your children. Just a house, car and bank account with a same-sex spouse? Go to the office-supply store and buy the DIY kit for $20. And fight for marriage equality like we all should, while doing the easy stuff to protect you and yours.

I don't get it. If this is the girlfriend's collar already, why should it be in the will at all? Isn't she already in possession of it? I would assume if it's so important that the LW is thinking about it, the girlfriend would be wearing it at least most of the time. If it's just a sex toy that is only used for play times, then this concern is ridiculous.

Unless the "leather collar" really is full of gemstones and she doesn't want her girlfriend to own it (is she planning on saving it to use on future partners after she marries and then divorces the fiancee?), why doesn't she just give it to the girlfriend now?

Am I the only one who reads the letter and thinks, "FAKE "?

@26 If this letter is indeed fake, then it's the Spinal Tap of all Savage Love letters: A parody so seamlessly spot-on that it's spooky.

And it fooled Dan--twice!

@16, my sister wants the Camaro. Grandma's antique ring goes to the bro.

@29, +1.

Republicans have learned to repeat sound bites until people believe them. Unless your family is quite rich, there are NO federal estate taxes. And never on the first $5M whether you're gay, straight, married, single, whatever.

Cause, I guess, if you're really, really rich, your kids should get ALL of that unearned money without the taxes any other windfall would entail.

@27 I guess the part that struck me as fake was the ridiculous assertion that every item had to be specified, along with the recipient. I guess the LW was intellectually incapable of a phrase such as, "I leave all my personal effects to...."

The legal phrase the letter writer needs to learn is "the rest and the residue". In the will, one specifies specific objects to specific folks as one desires ant the one leaves "the rest and the residue" to the girlfriend for disposal. This would cover every single item in the estate not specifically named already in the will and could encompass anything from stocks, to books on the shelves to all of the household nicnacs.

Other comments have already made the key point: Unless you have an estate worth millions (the amount depends on when you die, but it's going to be in the millions), you don't have to worry about estate/inheritance taxes, whatever you give to others, from grandma's china to really kinky toys. Anyone into kink should be better protected against stupid Republican/teaparty propaganda.

Does anyone honest to God sit down and list out every single piece of personal property in his/her will? Why can't she just say "all of my personal property to [fiancee's name] except" and then list any other specific items she wants to go to others? Oh, right, because that would be way too sensible. And, most importantly, it wouldn't let her write a "look at me, look at me" letter to Dan.

Hey if I had some contrived reason to ask Mr. Savage for advice, I'd jump at it. Too bad most of my problems are self-inflicted, unsolvable, or obvious.

Perhaps LW isn't referring to the government when she says "Uncle Sam", but to a real life Uncle named Sam who is a collector of S&M collars.

In that case it would be wise to specify who gets the collar in your will.

You can give anyone cash or goods worth $13,500 every year without paying gift tax. If the collar is worth less than that--and find me a collar that isn't?--the LW has no problem. Earlier posters and Dan are right. This is a drama queen/humiliation from the grave thing, not a genuine estate planning problem.