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Also. Here's a secret: most "normal" looking people who seem like they have 'straightforward' cisgender identities have sexual fantasies about gender, sexuality, toys, and more.
Maybe you're a girl who likes sexual dominance. Sometimes, if you've grown up in a really traditional place, dominance comes our as wanting to be the guy. If so, that's OK, and once you're in relationship where you're safe to explore your fantasies, you can "be the boy."
Maybe you're bi, since you fantasize about sex with both genders. If so, that's OK, and hopefully you'll meet plenty of wonderful girls and boys over your dating career.
The only thing that's not OK is killing yourself. Find a safe adult and talk. Someone who's not too churchy, but who's always seemed kind. Someone who's bigger on supporting than on judging. Do you know any LGBT adults? Sometimes once you stop and consider that question, you realise that the shy librarian or the uncle your parents don't talk to much might have a lot in common with you. It might not be your folks, but I believe there's someone in your community that could be your safe harbour.
Highly recommend.
*as a queer teen with a fucked up family, I was acting most of my way through school anyway so it was easy to perform like this
That said, as Dan points out, you are young and you've got a lot of time to pin down who you are, and this can be an exciting process! A sex fantasy about being male doesn't necessarily mean you're trans, even if you also don't like dresses or long hair. It could just mean you're a female who doesn't express her femininity in the usual cliched way. I would encourage you not to be too quick to judge yourself or pin a label on yourself, but to enjoy your sexuality for what it is. I believe in your strength and I hope you feel better soon.
P.S. Lots of straight, non-trans women enjoy strapping on a fake penis and using it during sex. Sound interesting? ;)
http://www.genderdiversity.org/
You are not alone, and there are places you can turn to. We care. We want you here. You will need to learn how to be strong, because there can be a lot of bullshit to get through, but you are not alone. Please hang in there, and find the support you need.
Right now you are exploring your body and your sexuality, and it's OK if that takes you to scary places. It doesn't mean you have to actually DO anything about any of it, unless and until you are ready. So don't panic, don't worry - there's no rush, there's no need for any of this to mean anything, yet. As you keep exploring, and as you eventually have some real-life experiences, you'll figure out who you are.
And whoever you turn out to be, it's fine. There's nowhere along the whole spectrum that's a shameful place to be - it's all good.
http://www.lambdalegal.org/blog/20140129…
Watch the video at that link and you'll see evidence of a long life of achievement, dignity, and courage.
Only you can know if you are 'male' or 'female' inside, but it's ok to not know right now. Just try to be you, and let that change as it does when you're young. Feel free to redefine yourself as needed.
And when you get scared or depressed and think about suicide reach out to people. The internet can be a great place for this if you can find a community of like-minded people. I have done a lot of growing up debating at a bulletin board over the last 12 years, where I have made many good friends and even met my partner. Look for something like that if there are not people in your real life you are comfortable going to.
Hey Confused: It gets better. We are out here, and we love you.
There are like minded people who you'll find also exist in a somewhat rarefied atmosphere, lonely in a crowded room, looking for the small cluster of SubGeniuses, Illuminati, Bodhisattvas and other weirdos out in the wilderness . . . It's good when you find them, I have and you will.
If you had any idea about how many people you've touched by the letter that you wrote to Dan, you would know that there is support for you from all around the world. I imagine that deep inside that you know you are a good person -- capable of loving and being loved. Always remember that no matter what obstacles get in your way or what anybody ever tells you. So many of us will be writing these awkwardly positive notes to you here on this site -- we wish we could really convey that you are important and needed and all of that. We want to give you a hug that feels so good to you -- one that assures you that you are OK and perfect just the way you are. Your letter touched us all. Although we may not be going through exactly what you are going through -- or even anything close to it, we too have had to struggle at times with feelings of not being "normal". We are on your team and wish only the best for you. It's true: We need you. The world needs you.
Sexual fantasies really only tell you so much about yourself. But the good thing is, you don't need to work out a label until you decide you want to or find one that really fits you. All you really need to work out is what makes you happy, comfortable, and safe. If you manage those things, then the rest will take care of itself. You'll figure out who you are actually attracted to when you start being attracted to real people. And a lot more than just their sex is going to be important toward that. You can figure out your gender slowly. What you really need to know is how you like to live your life and how other people can help you with that. Does being called he/him and treated as a boy sound like it would make you happier? If so, that is useful. If not, it is less useful. Just find what works for you. And keep looking for it until you find it.
Also, how you dress in middle/high school doesn't necessarily dictate who you will be later in life.
Don't let your hormones or your desire to figure out which box you fit in rush you into sex before you feel ready for it. Don't let your fear of who you might be prevent you from allowing yourself to be ready. Know that who you are is awesome and valuable, whatever label you or other people try to affix to you, and whenever you start having sex with other people.
Also, statistically, women who go through puberty later tend to end up with better self esteem than women who experienced earlier puberty because the "late bloomers" are allowed to develop a sense of self worth that is based on something other than their breast size when their peer first start becoming sexually aware. It's rough feeling like you are way behind everyone else (I was later than most of my friends too, and a total tomboy to boot), but it totally gets better and that better is worth sticking around to see.
In the spirit of Mr Wilde's saying that wickedness is a concept invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others, I'll have a go at a paraphrase:
Normal is a concept invented by people with limited minds to intimidate others into being considerably less fabulous.
Improve on it to suit yourself, and best of luck.
Oh yeah, also get some therapy/counseling. Best wishes!
It's ok, you've got time. Listen to your instincts. Your life is yours to make. Now is hard because you're stuck in your parents' decisions. Your life may never be easy but it will be YOURS, and in my experience, that's what made life get "better".
http://i.imgur.com/UhGC5.jpg
The only thing "wrong" with you is how you perceive yourself. You are already "normal", as that word has almost no meaning whatsoever. You are healthy, you are curious, you are courageous in stepping up and asking for help. What you *don't* have, experience, knowledge, etc. can all be fixed. "There is nothing wrong with you that can't be fixed by what is right with you."
I was expecting something along the lines of, "When I/other transmen and transwomen with whom I have spoken were fifteen, we had fantasies along the lines of -----. This is the same/different from your experience so you might indeed be/might not be trans," like Mr. Savage did with Wrong Side of Wild Side about a year ago.
As for your sexual fantasies, they sound perfectly normal. Lots of men fantasize (and practice) dressing up in pretty clothes and a wig and being on the recieving end of anal from a woman. This does not make them female. You may be a trans guy, or just a cisgendered girl with a rich fantasy life. Whichever it is, it's fine by many more people than you imagine.
You are brave to reach out for support. I admire your courage. I wonder if you have access to any LGBTQ youth groups, sometimes being around others who have struggled with the same questions you raised can help. I would also suggest taking a look through I AM: Trans People Speak, a collection of short videos by trans people and their families, maybe you can relate to some. http://www.transpeoplespeak.org/
You experience reminded me of my own when I was 15, I struggled with the same questions and tried to kill myself. What I learned from it was that I wanted to live and there were people in my life I could have trusted back then I just did not trust myself enough to reach out for support, and today most of my family are my biggest supporters. You are not alone. There will be ups and downs, but you are not alone.
Whoever said go to the theatre group was right- I had theatre friends and they were always really great, b/c they can help draw you out and they're very accepting of people who are different. Also? I was in the band/choir. Don't avoid your actual interests b/c you're worried about getting made fun of- the only real support you'll get is if you find people who are similar to you. Make some gay friends, even if you're not gay, b/c they know what it's like to be different and they can help provide social support while you're figuring out who you are.
Don't kill yourself. College is the best time ever and you'll do much better socially there. Plus, by then you'll be past the awkward teenage years and have more confidence in yourself. Good luck!
All of us have times when we don't know who we are, and there tend to be a lot more of those times when we are young. Don't rush in to defining yourself, because people are so much more complicated than the labels we put on them. You may, or may not, be trans but you have time to figure it out; provided you do not allow your confusion to lead you to suicide, because after that you have no way back.
I know it's hard, but as someone or another on this site has pointed out 'It gets better'; and it does get better. I have no idea which way you will develop but I can assure you, as a card carrying tomboy who preferred climbing trees to playing with my dolls, and hated girls clothes because they interfered with my climbing, that I ended up very happily as a straight woman.
I still climb trees, though:)
I don't have any advice for you that hasn't already been given. I just wanted to let you know I think you are incredibly brave for reaching out for help. Late puberty hit me as well and it was a rough and confusing time. I got into therapy and in time my hormones and emotions settled down. I hope you take some of the great advice you've been reading, and please know that you're not alone in this world.
You will figure yourself out in time, and probably sooner than later - due to the fact you have reached out. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There's no need to even think about killing yourself ever again. Live long and be beautiful, just as you are.
Continue to reach out to others and when you get scared, know that you are beautiful as you are. Take comfort that you have a big, friendly community of LGBTQ people here in Seattle who will welcome you exactly as you are, right now.
Stay strong, grow and know that you are loved.
My advice is to find an adult in your life whom you trust--a parent, an aunt or uncle, a teacher or school counselor, a therapist, whatever--and talk to them about your feelings. I would hope you'd tell your parents at least about the suicide attempt, if not about the other stuff (if you don't think they'd be accepting of the real issues, just tell them school is stressful and you feel awkward and overemotional, or whatever else you can think of that's almost the truth or part of the truth).
They don't want their baby girl to kill herself, I guarantee you that.
Growing up is hard as shit, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Stay strong, and remember: it gets better.
The first step is taking a hard look at the adults, including your parents, teachers, and pastors/ministers, around you: Do you trust them to with what you are going through? Do you trust them to respect this part of yourself, or are any of them contributing to your sense of confusion and/or anxiety? Could you be hurt in any way by talking about your fantasies? If you answered "no" to either of the first two questions or "yes" to the third, you do not need to talk about your fantasies.
The second step is getting yourself to a medical doctor like @19 said. You do not have to talk about your fantasies. Come up with something to say you are really stressed out over and just couldn't take it anymore - social drama at school is usually a good one. It's the consequence of your actions. Take responsibility and get yourself to a doctor.
Then be prepared for suicide counseling: remember you don't have to tell them about your fantasies. Just stick with whatever you decided was stressing you out. Best case scenario is they will genuinely help you feel better about yourself. Worst case scenario is they will try to shame you for your attempt, in a "what could you possibly have to kill yourself over?" way. Even if you are in group counseling, do not necessarily expect them to be supportive. Some suicide patients are very competitive about having better reasons/more hopeless lives than everyone else. You do not have to try and out do them. You do not have to talk about your fantasies. If your counseling ends up being this way, just take it take it day by day and it will be over before you know it. (Can you tell which approach was popular in my neck of the woods 20 years ago?) Either way, you will get through it just fine.
Now to heart of this letter. At 15, I was confused as hell by what everybody wanted to tell me my fantasies meant. Looking back, "everybody" was mostly social conservatives who were having gay panic attacks in public but also shits at school who gossiped about me because I wore hiking boots instead of Keds to school and movies, songs and television shows that tell teens to be anxious about their sexuality. And as painful as feeling confused about an innate part of yourself is, that anxiety you're encouraged to have just makes it worse. I also thought about killing myself with pills to get away from the pain.
But then something happened that social conservatives, mass media, and even American culture in general don't expect: I turned 16. Then 17. Eventually I was 20. Along the way, I took the time to compare who/what turned me on in my fantasies to who/what turned me on in person. (This is a big part in becoming a healthy, functional adult no matter who/what your fantasies are, btw.) And I realized that I'm turned on by fantasizing about being a man having sex with women, but not by actually having sex with a woman for real (admit it slog: boobs don't move the same way in real life as they do in a Gainax cartoon. And all my fantasy boobs are informed by Gainax cartoons.) So I found out I'm attracted to guys by process of elimination. I found out I'm attracted to guys in eyeliner and lipstick through further elimination and by being (SAFELY!) open to new people, places and and experiences. This is not to say that we have these fantasies for the same reasons or experience them the same way - everyone is different after all. The important things are that I found out what my fantasies mean for me and I found someone for whom my fantasies are a feature, not a defect. The fact that I have them makes me his fantasy, come to life. You have an opportunity to know yourself and find someone for yourself. Do not waste it on pills.
In the meantime, my life would have been a lot easier if I'd known not to think of pop culture as some kind of authority regarding sexuality. It's based on the fantasies of white Baby Boomer men and the white boys who haven't moved out of their parents' houses, after all, and those fantasies are just as stylized and unrealistic as the Gainax boobs in mine. So don't take that shit too seriously. The waiting-till-18 room of teenage hell is already bad enough without letting somebody make it worse for you, no matter how hard they insist.
So, how would I sum this up? Know that when you're dealing with people suggesting or saying that you're not old enough to be in process of deciding, or that they are uncomfortable with who you decide you are, or that it means something other than what you decide, or that you should be anxious in any way - they are all full of shit. People who want to put labels on you or put you in boxes so their lives are easier - and it's always to make their own lives easier - are selfishly full of shit. Learn who you want to forgive and how to forgive them, and leave the rest. Just don't include any significant others in the first group. Who you are is non-negotiable in relationships.
Just remember, the bottom lines are these: 1. Relax: you get to decide what this means to you. 2. Relax: you have all of your life to make your decision and revise it as you see fit. 3. Enjoy yourself! 4. Anybody who contradicts points 1-3 is full of shit and you don't have time for most of them. 5. Be safe, and everything will be fine!
As for your gender iidentity, your sexual fantasies are just that fantasies. I will fantasize about things I would never consider in real life. However, your gender identity might be all the things mentioned previously, but I have not seen this mentioned. You may be a transvestite woman. I have a good friend that is a transvestite and she is happily married to the love of her life who is male. He loves her exactly how she is and does not want her to change. Even when they married she wore a formal Scotish Suit with a kilt instead of a dress.
Just remember you are to young to make a permanant solution to an immediate problem.
What I am trying to say is, if you feel like you're a man inside, maybe you are. But basing any decisions on what goes through our brains when we're fantasizing is impractical, since they're so often fluid and filled with. . .well, sex. If when you aren't horny, when you're just going through your day doing regular things, you feel very strongly that you're a man, that would seem to me to be a better indicator. After all, gender is not just about having sex--it's also about who you are the rest of the time.
Anyway, please get some help, we're all pulling for you here. But since you're fifteen and have massive amounts of hormones running through you, I'd just shelve the idea of figuring out your gender/orientation for a bit, and instead just enjoy the vivid fantasies while they last!
I think everybody thus far has covered the advice pretty well (especially the therapy thing--the LW could really benefit from seeing a decent therapist), so I just I wanted to let you, and Confused, know that it's okay to have these feelings, and it IS possible to reach resolution for them--whether you end up identifying as bi, straight, gay, trans, or cis. Like what Dru said, it is very easy to feel hopeless when it seems like the world is telling you that having these feelings necessarily means you're inherently "different", and who you are is wrong. But like you said, you are not alone, and it really can get better--especially when you learn to accept yourself. I'm living proof.
When I started having sexual urges at 18, I almost always fantasized about doing those things with women. I had never thought about girls before then, so this was new to me. I was a senior at the time, so I took a chance and hit on a girl. Well, she rejected me and told the whole school. People already teased me for being a "lesbo" cause of the way I dressed & acted. Now that they "knew" I was from that girl, it got worse. That was actually the first and last time I ever hit on a girl solely cause of that, and when I graduated, I made sure to avoid anyone who knew of my "past". I live in the Bible belt, and ten plus years ago it was WAY more inhospitable to gays & bis than it is now. You really did not even have to be a lesbian to be teased for being one. Plus, my parents are hardcore catholics. If I had brought home a girl, they would've disowned me. To be blunt, I learned my lesson the very first time I hit on a girl. I'm not saying it is wrong to be lesbian or bi, but that is how it felt for me at the time, like I had learned my lesson.
Fast forward several years. I am now a very happy mother who is married to a wonderful man. I no longer think or feel of myself as a man. You see, I was molested when I was a young child. My parents way of "dealing" with it was to basically pretend it never happened. I actually suppressed the memories and did not "remember" the molestation until I was a teen in high school. I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it, but just could not talk to anyone. I never got counseling for it. When I finally came to terms with the molestation about three years ago, my desire to be a man slowly fizzled away until it was next to zero. Now the only time I think of myself as a guy is in my dreams when I sleep at night (meaning, I am still usually a man in my dreams, for whatever reason). I now very much enjoy being a female & a mother.
This is just my assumption, but it is my belief that I just could not deal with the trauma. Envisioning myself as a man must've just been my mind's way of dealing with it and creating a safe place for me. No man would victimize me if I was a man.
As for the attraction to women... Well, I guess I will never know on that. I have never been with a woman, so I do not know if I am bisexual, or if it was just something safe for me to fantasize about while I was healing from the trauma. I am still attracted to women, but I've never felt comfortable with poly relationships or threesomes, so it is a fantasy that will never happen.
I was also very suicidal and tried to kill myself a few times. It did not stop until I met my now husband at 19. He helped me heal. He was the first person to ever accept me. I told him I thought of myself as a guy, and he said, "Yeah, you're more masculine than me." I told him I liked girls, and he said, "I already knew that, you constantly check them out." He was the first guy to not dump me when I broke the news that a threesome is out of the question.
My point is, yes, you could be a trans, bi, or a straight person with a very healthy sexual fantasy life. You could think of yourself as a guy for the rest of your life, or you may stop feeling that way in the future like I did. Straight women (as in non-trans people) can think of themselves as men for a variety of reasons, and I doubt sexual abuse is the only reason.
My advice to you from the nowadays me is this: Demand acceptance. Do not date or fuck anyone who does not accept you as you. I wasted my last couple years of high school on a guy who demeaned me for fantasizing about girls, and who constantly pressured me to be more feminine. He was not worth it, and he messed me up mentally even worse than I already was. Ignore those who do not accept you and surround yourself with those who do. You deserve love. It really will get better. You really will find someone who loves & accepts you for you. Just know you are not alone, and what you think & feel is more common than you think.
When I started having sexual urges at 18, I almost always fantasized about doing those things with women. I had never thought about girls before then, so this was new to me. I was a senior at the time, so I took a chance and hit on a girl. Well, she rejected me and told the whole school. People already teased me for being a "lesbo" cause of the way I dressed & acted. Now that they "knew" I was from that girl, it got worse. That was actually the first and last time I ever hit on a girl solely cause of that, and when I graduated, I made sure to avoid anyone who knew of my "past". I live in the Bible belt, and ten plus years ago it was WAY more inhospitable to gays & bis than it is now. You really did not even have to be a lesbian to be teased for being one. Plus, my parents are hardcore catholics. If I had brought home a girl, they would've disowned me. To be blunt, I learned my lesson the very first time I hit on a girl. I'm not saying it is wrong to be lesbian or bi, but that is how it felt for me at the time, like I had learned my lesson.
Fast forward several years. I am now a very happy mother who is married to a wonderful man. I no longer think or feel of myself as a man. You see, I was molested when I was a young child. My parents way of "dealing" with it was to basically pretend it never happened. I actually suppressed the memories and did not "remember" the molestation until I was a teen in high school. I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it, but just could not talk to anyone. I never got counseling for it. When I finally came to terms with the molestation about three years ago, my desire to be a man slowly fizzled away until it was next to zero. Now the only time I think of myself as a guy is in my dreams when I sleep at night (meaning, I am still usually a man in my dreams, for whatever reason). I now very much enjoy being a female & a mother.
This is just my assumption, but it is my belief that I just could not deal with the trauma. Envisioning myself as a man must've just been my mind's way of dealing with it and creating a safe place for me. No man would victimize me if I was a man.
As for the attraction to women... Well, I guess I will never know on that. I have never been with a woman, so I do not know if I am bisexual, or if it was just something safe for me to fantasize about while I was healing from the trauma. I am still attracted to women, but I've never felt comfortable with poly relationships or threesomes, so it is a fantasy that will never happen.
I was also very suicidal and tried to kill myself a few times. It did not stop until I met my now husband at 19. He helped me heal. He was the first person to ever accept me. I told him I thought of myself as a guy, and he said, "Yeah, you're more masculine than me." I told him I liked girls, and he said, "I already knew that, you constantly check them out." He was the first guy to not dump me when I broke the news that a threesome is out of the question.
My point is, yes, you could be a trans, bi, or a straight person with a very healthy sexual fantasy life. You could think of yourself as a guy for the rest of your life, or you may stop feeling that way in the future like I did. Straight women (as in non-trans people) can think of themselves as men for a variety of reasons, and I doubt sexual abuse is the only reason.
My advice to you from the nowadays me is this: Demand acceptance. Do not date or fuck anyone who does not accept you as you. I wasted my last couple years of high school on a guy who demeaned me for fantasizing about girls, and who constantly pressured me to be more feminine. He was not worth it, and he messed me up mentally even worse than I already was. Ignore those who do not accept you and surround yourself with those who do. You deserve love. It really will get better. You really will find someone who loves & accepts you for you. Just know you are not alone, and what you think & feel is more common than you think.
Hang in there - whether you turn out to be gay, bi, trans* or none of the above, we need you in the world.
First off, don't beat yourself up over the pills.
Not wanting to have to slog through everyday of your life is a reasonable response to the shitty situation you're in.
Let yourself have a good guilt-free cry and general misery session every once in a while. It's a way to respect yourself and your feelings.
If things get to the wanting to take pills stage again, please tell your parents you've been feeling sad (you don't have to say why), and ask for therapy.
You know your parents better than me, and maybe they are extremely not okay with deviations from the norm. There are heinous parents in the world, it's scary to be unsure of your family.
But most parents would rather you be alive and different, than compliant and dead. For Now lets put them in that loving parent majority.
You don't have to tell them what is going on, but for Right Now give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume they love you and want you to be happy.
I was 15 when I cut off my long, beautiful hair into a severe pixie cut, started wearing loose athletic shirts, sagging my pants, and concealing my breasts.
My Conservative Christian mother didn't like it, but she bought me the men's clothes I wanted, and didn't say anything after the first few weeks.
Back home there was one way to be a woman, it didn't fit me. It chafed and bound me. The only other option was to be a man, which felt less wrong.
After high school, I left my hometown and moved to a large city with her support. Moving and seeing different ways to be a woman, helped me figure out how to be the bi cis dominant woman I am.
I'm middle-aged and married to a straight cis submissive man who likes to wear women's clothes in private. We have kids and a minivan. On Saturdays we set the alarm for 5am and make sweet kinky gender bending love, then we shower and make pancakes. It's a good life.
You're figuring out who you might like to be, which is different than the female norm around you. I really hope you write us back in a few years, and let us know who you are becoming.
Dear Confused,
I'm a 20 year old boy who was born female. Dan and M. Dru Levasseur used the term trans* but didn't do a very good job of explaining it. I know a few people have already explained it, but just in case you haven't read those replies: trans* means you don't identify with the gender you were assigned at birth. For me, that meant I was born female but was a boy inside. I knew this at a young age, but I buried those feelings until I was about 14, when they sort of fought their way back to the surface. I spent a lot of my adolescence online, playing games, and I always told people online I was male. It felt right to me to be treated like a guy. I was always a guy in my head, too, I never saw myself as a girl.
Having those same feelings doesn't mean you're trans by any means, but it could be an indication of it. My advice to you would be to do what I did when I thought I might be trans: go on youtube and look up videos of ftm (female-to-male) transguys documenting their transition. There's a lot of them; I'd strongly recommend the youtube user skylarkeleven. I watched a lot of guys go through the transition process and the more I watched these people change on the outside, the more I knew that was me on the inside. I wasn't scared or confused by what I saw, I was excited. I knew I wanted that. Six years down the line and you wouldn't be able to pick me out of a line up as a trans guy. It's a rocky road for everyone who does it, but never doubt it'll be worth it, because if you're happy with yourself, no one can take that away from you.
On top of that, I definitely advise talking to a few people. Friends and family are a good place to go for support, but I also advise you go to a counselor, preferably one with experience with trans people. Just talk through your feelings with them, they're good at staying calm and coming to rational conclusions when you're panicking about the massive flow of emotions going on.
Whether you're trans or not, killing yourself is never the answer. I was depressed for years and I got pretty low at some points, but there's NOTHING more satisfying than coming out the other side a happier person. You'll appreciate the things you have so much more when you've been so low in the past, and you'll know you're strong as fuck and you did it yourself. It's really, really worth getting through it.
This.
venomlash @19:
>> Go see the doctor, tell him what you took, and have your liver function evaluated. >>
And very much this.
I don't know why everyone here joined theater groups.. but I did too, Its kind of weird that being self conscious and on stage works for people but sometimes it does. I guess the point is you should take part in a club, maybe one that isn't part of the mainstream popularity pecking order. I would not even recommend against joining a local taxidermy club. Regularly meeting people to talk about and work on theater (or taxidermy, whatever), will eventually help you find someone you talk to about your feelings. Apparently your parents are not that person and for few people they are.
The depression thing requires immediate help, and while they might find out at some point you don't have to tell your parents anything if you don't feel like it. In most places the best bet to start getting help would be trough your GP. There is things that can go wrong but most doctors have way more experience with stuff like this than you might expect. Even half way competent doctors offer confidentiality and a code of secrecy that would leave mobsters jealous. They wont tell your parents, anyone you know or anyone at school. Just think of how many people doctors help every day... just think about how many secrets they keep. Your secrets will be safe with your doctors.
- You can tell your parents today you feel nauseous again or whatever, it seems like fooling them is gonna be easy, and get an appointment
- Just tell your doctor everything from the start or just hand over your letter
- Make sure you tell exactly which pills you took, consider bringing the bottle
- If there is things don't want your parents to know, make sure you just say so too. If you talk to your doctor you will pretty quickly see if it is someone you can trust with all this. Your doctor will almost always help you cover things up and help you come up with excuses and stories to tell your parents that worked for a lot of young people before you.
The suicide thing requires attention and I felt terrible reading your letter. The fantasies gender and orientation thing doesn't require you to know, change decide do or understand anything. That wont do a thing to make the nights of confused dreams and fantasies go away. All I can say is if the orgasms are good then who the fuck cares about the genders and hairlengths involved? It is your fantasies you don't have to explain them to anyone. If you really want to try to explain them for yourself you can try to write them down or keep a dream journal (your letter is pretty well written). It might not help you make sense of anything though maybe it will make for some intensely hot writing so maybe you will have fun doing it?
But for the confusing puberty thing? Well you get my sympathy but only because I went trough the same thing and know how much it sucks. We all do.
You are worried about gender stuff and the timing of puberty, but really if it wasn't for that you would be just as terrifyingly worried and confused about something else. Maybe you are a little different, maybe not I don't really give a crap but having puberty be hell well that hardly makes you a special or anything.
I might sound a little cold hearted but its the only way to really make this point:
Buckle up, It is gonna get so much more intense, confusing and intensely confusing.
That means it is gonna feel even worse. Really, you have never even been ungraciously dumped or cheated on. That night you tried to kill yourself? Its gonna feel like peanuts compared to the feelings in store for you.
Sorry, but it is true.
It also means it is gonna feel better. Not because the treatment for depression, not because you work on experiencing beauty in life or because some karmic justice demands it. Its for the stupid simple reason that while puberty expands your palette of possible feelings on the downside, it also expands it on the upside.
Here is a thought: you try to kill yourself and spend days puking your guts out and your parents don't realize a thing? It probably wont make the situation any better, in fact it will probably only make things worse, and maybe they don't even really deserve it.... but you can give them a nice big insult to their face. A fuck you from the bottom of your hearth. Do you remember being 8, insulting someone and actually feeling different because of it? I mean not in the “hihihi I said doodyhead” sense but it actually making you feel something? Adulthood has intensely horrible feelings waiting for you, but there is also a couple of weird unexpected kind of nice ones and you can go and try and find them.
Puberty is when you turn from a kid who can be happy with food, play (playing with food) and candy into an actual human being with real feelings. That still includes some joy with food, play candy and orgasms (I mean if you were trying to kill yourself after all those nights with bad or no orgasms, wouldn't that make a bit more sense? … ;-)) but there is awesome feelings you might not even know you could have.
And eventually after way way too long it is gonna be over and the sex thing probably still doesn't make complete sense but you will have somehow found your peace with it.
Your doctors can help you a bit with depression
They cant do a thing about puberty
If you want their help with your gender from what I hear you will eventually just know it. If during puberty you are confused well, then that is really all there is to it. You are confused. Nothing wrong with that. If to a question the answer is “I don't know” then well, thats just the honest answer, nothing you can do about it.
As terrible as it feels to read your letter, I was still glad to read it. It means that you are still with us. Most of us care more about that than the length of your hair and whether you wear dresses. The sex and gender thing may stay confusing for a long time to come, but that there are people who care about you that you can talk to will be one day soon be obvious.
Puberty is one of the hardest times to truly who you are, and all I can tell you is, when I was that age I placed way too much importance on what other people thought, it was a huge mistake.
The only feeling that is more permanent , as in the emotions you feel the majority of the time as opposed to the minority
The only more permanent feeling that ever seemed to trump sexual desires, is love
I don't want to give you the wrong idea about who you should or shouldn't be, I will just say, "what is it that bothers you or confuses you about having sexual fantasies from two gender's point of view?"
If you are worried about being different, I promise you that feeling different from all the walking dead men alive to day is a good thing, I hope you always feel "different" from all these bigoted, assholes who are as dead men
if you are worried because you don't want to be male, it may help to remember that Love for some people is more overwhelming than sex, So if you ask yourself if you think you are "in love" with somebody and can answer honestly, part of your confusion may lie there. As an example, if you were born into a body that is earthly gendered as female and you found yourself in love with a female who thinks her sexual attraction is to males and males only, that may definitely leave you desiring to be the type they (the one you think you love) like
If that is the case, ask yourself honestly if the gender they were attracted to was female and female only, do you think you would only fantasize about being female?
An important thing that I wish I had learned at your age is that people who cannot be honest with you, should not be a significant part of your life, as believing that lies are the truth, is the root behind being confused.
There is likely nothing wrong with you, be strong, and be courageous, which I know is a tall order in a world filled with stupid fucking ignorant assholes who are adamant that you believe their lies,
So don't do it
and because these subjects are extremely important to discuss, (any subject that you attempted or even think about killing yourself over is important) esp subjects like sexuality which during puberty is a very confusing time that does not have to be so negatively confusing, I really wish there were more accurate terms that were adopted as "cis" and "trans" do not do the experience justice
but unfortunately -- like the new language being currently invented by the popular crowd in the realm of polyamory -- "cis" and "trans" gendered are the terms the labels were pushed to, I can't say whether or not it was due to psychologists trying to make a name, or some punk assed grammarian or an idiot wikipedian with no respect for the truth,
but you only need a label if you find someone you need to talk about your situation with, and even if you do label it, it doesn't have to always fit that label, who You are is fine, and believing you are in love with somebody who does not respect you or better yet love You too, will destroy you, typically by way of confusing the fuck of You
do not become one of the idiots who labor to confuse, be a force for understanding, and You will know the Truth
You're fifteen. You don't have to know everything about yourself yet. You could be going through a phase (I've been through several, and I'm 43), or you could be discovering something important and permanent.
See where your feelings and your life take you. You don't have to be sure right this minute. An answer, to yourself and others, of "I don't know," is an acceptable answer, as long as its honest. When you do know, decide what to do about it then.