Blogs Apr 9, 2014 at 10:07 am


64 out of 105! so metal.
Blood contains a good deal of iron, so everyone's period should be fairly metal.
First world women don't know how good they have it.
Nice work, @2!
Wow it's embarrassing to laugh uncontrollably through tears at work and not to be able to explain to coworkers.
59, motherfucker. I am the Mayhem of menstruation.
Mine is 120!

Well. That certainly puts Emily Prager in, uh, perspective.

Not to be outdone, the spear side has created Bad Johnson, a Cam Gigandet vehicle in which the penis of a chronic womanizer mysteriously leaves his body and takes human form, coming soon to a theater near you—meaning somewhere in the U.S., at the very least. Probably.
That was really fun. I'm a 59. Hard core metal, I am.
Very fucking metal.
I only scored 20. Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Now gimme some chocolate, bitch.
Only 51, I guess I have it good?
78 I win?
70. Wow, I feel the need to share this with everyone, but at the same time, to never tell a soul.
Are there negative points assessed for cringing and scrolling through the questions lightning fast? That must be the 'how nancy-boy are you about discussing lady periods?' quiz.
72, bitches.

Thank fuck for my IUD, though, because I only have to deal with like 20% of that shit anymore. Mirena FTW!
65/105: very fucking metal. Glad to know I'm not the only one on some of those questions, from the looks of it.
*sigh* 83. I hate my period.
I also scored 0 out of 105. I definitely feel lucky that this is not a regular occurrence for me. However, I am not sure why I should thank the nearest adult woman. Unless that woman happens to be my mother or my girlfriend, the fact that she has periods doesn't really affect me.
@19-did you read some of the questions? I think thanking women for not unleashing on everyone around them several days out of every month isn't such a bad idea. It's kind of like thanking a soldier for their service. :)
FML: You checked off 72 out of 105 on this list!
If Satan himself sacrificed a thousand demon goats, it wouldn’t be half as bloody as what your uterus expels each month. You are the most metal, my friend.
You checked off 60 out of 105 on this list!
Your uterus is a dark storm cloud and once a month it RAINS BLOOD out of your vagina for days on end. You, my friend, are very fucking metal.

I'll be so thankful in a few years when all this is a distant memory. Will probably be a whole new level of hell I'm condemning myself to, but I don't care anymore.
@2: I bleed so heavily I get anemic after my period. My husband knows to expect beef and spinach that week.

Periods completely suck, and I want to smack all those people citing "averages" like "it only lasts 5 days, unless you're not average" and "you bleed a few tbsp, not enough to soak through a maxi pad and underwear and clothing, unless you're not average."
71! Like @16, I got the Mirena and never looked back. (I spot sometimes though. Gak.)
You checked off 64 out of 105 on this list!

Your uterus is a dark storm cloud and once a month it RAINS BLOOD out of your vagina for days on end. You, my friend, are very fucking metal.

Menstrual cups are the best thing ever created for women with heavy flow. And it looks fucking metal when you empty them. Paragard has crazy enough - lessened my flow which is supposedly abnormal but I think my period was possibly heavier from hormones. IUDs are the fucking awesomeness.
Dear God! I have never been simultaneously so grateful to be a man and so intrigued about what it would be like to be a woman for a day -- er, month.
Would be nice to have them capture more of the horror with questions like, 'have you ever passed out in public because of your period? Have you ever sat on the toilet simultaneously vomiting, bleeding, having diarrhoea and fainting?'

Any more, ladies?

OMFG. This is why you double X types scare me shitless. If I wasn't born gay I sure as hell would have chosen to be once I found out about what those things do. How the holy hell do you live with that? No wonder str8 men hate us. We get way more sex than they do and we never have to face those vuh-jay-jays more than once in our lives.
#2 First world men don't know how good they have it. No asshole, I'm not grateful I don't have it worse. Get over it.
66--to all you 70 & higher I'm so sorry. My post nursing periods were the worst--cramps like I was giving birth and blood no products on earth could staunch.

It's not that my flow is bad, it's just that sometimes, not ALL the time, I go insane.
I just wish I could have given this quiz to the students in my am lit class at the allegedly super progressive college near our state capital who freaked about having to read Sexton's Menstruation at Forty (which incidentally isn't much about menstruation).
Also, thanks Dan.
Ugh. 73. I hate my uterus sometimes. I'm not using this bastard anymore, why is it still hanging around.

Also, IUDs scare the shit out of me. There are some nasty, nasty side effects that can happen with those things. Like perforated uterus. Be wary, ladies. I know I
I scored 75. "If Satan himself sacrificed a thousand demon goats, it wouldn’t be half as bloody as what your uterus expels each month. You are the most metal, my friend."
@24: Yeah, I still spot but nothing a pantiliner can't handle. I wish the mood swings and cramps and back pain were totally gone, but significantly reduced is a-ok with me.

@27: Yes to passing out in public, also yes to fainting on the john with the period shits. No vomiting, though. I'm not a barfy person by nature.

My mom never had rough periods, so she was completely baffled by the shitstorms my sister and I had to deal with. I'm glad I had open and frank girlfriends, or I would have thought I was seriously fucked up.
Thank you ladies.

Also, I appreciate the frank discussion [more battlefield commiseration than the usual eeeeww]. "Normalizing" an entire half of the population's physiology is a necessary thing.* Now I'm going to go reflect on some bio-privilege.

*The Samaritans charity was ultimately inspired by a young woman who only needed someone to let her know what menstruation was.…
The period blood enemy spell casting stuff actually works. Mwa ha ha
IPJ @23:
Since it takes 3 months for red blood cells to mature, beef and spinach the week after your menstruation won't do much good. If you are really anemic due to menstruation, you should be eating high-in-iron foods regularly.

I missed some positive connotations regarding menstruation. I've bled through tampons and pads, was caught unawares by my period in my sister's house (wouldn't be remarkable if I hadn't been standing there chatting to my BIL in my underwear before noticing that blood was running down my leg) but I don't mind my period usually. And for women with chronic constipation, the looser stools during a period are a welcome relief.
My former flatmate got pretty bad periods physically, but mentally she was in a very Zen place during her periods.
62.. This just gave me another reason to appreciate being pregnant right now! I may be a whale with a bladder the size of a pea but at least I don't have all that for another few weeks (or longer if i can stave it off with breastfeeding :-) )
Thanks Dan, great link, empowering and all !

52. "Your uterus is a dark storm cloud and once a month it RAINS BLOOD out of your vagina for days on end. You, my friend, are very fucking metal."

I guess I'm lucky ? Though I still look back at that stain on my dress in highscool in horror. Thankfully I had a waterproof rain overcoat on that day, and I was so introverted and quiet that no teacher thought of ordering me to step out of it during classes...
@27 "Have you ever arrived at work just to shuffle breathlessly to the toilets, the sole sitted place affording you any privacy, to writhe in pain and hope for death already during an hour or so, until you could talk coherently enough to ask someone for a tablet of pain-relief - just because you had woken up feeling hey, pretty fine for a period day, and you were stupid enough to decide to go to work on bike ?"
@27 "Have you ever taken a long dump in the toilets on a day you were on your period and on your last pad, and had to endure the cold squishy wet contact of your almost overfilled pad on your ladyparts, when redressing ?"
71! Here's a quiz I can WIN. >:./

There surprisingly was no mention of looking forward to packing odd items off to junior high school, like a tatty sweatshirt, that you could tie around your waist when you inevitably bled through ALL THE THINGS because your jackwagon teacher(s) restricted bathroom access during class for some unfathomably assholey control-freak purpose. Even the teachers who were nice about it couldn't disguise for you the fact that you're getting up to go to the bathroom and EVERYONE WOULD KNOW WHY *snicker snicker*. Seriously, fuck middle school.

I remember literally *praying* - and I am by no means religious now, nor was I then - to get my first period during the summer so I could get some practice dealing with it before going back to school. Four minutes between classes is not enough to clean up a murder scene and appear cool and collected.

Hey, soon I'll get to complain about menopause! Fun with uteri. It just never ends.
sissoucat @43, 44: I always thought just having to sit down on public toilets to pee was a bad enough fate for women. Having a penis is so low-maintenance. Like Chia-Pet low-maintenance.
@27 "Have your cramps ever been so painful that you literally could neither stand up, nor call for help?" "Are there several days a month where you must not, under ANY circumstances sit down anywhere but the bathroom, or your own, towel covered chair at home?" "Do you make sure never to buy pants, skirts or dresses in any shade but red, brown or black? How about sheets?" "Do you keep a bottle of stain remover beside the mattress?"
Wow. No comments about the photo?
Yeah Red Sea, got it.
Sitting down to pee wouldn't be so disgusting if the other people were also sitting down. It is the disgusted women who somehow crouch or squat or stand or whatever while peeing who mess up the toilet seats.
That quiz was hilarious. I don't feel so alone now.
56, and laughing uncontrollably
Thanks so much Dan... if we don't laugh about periods, all we can do is cry. Thank you. I got a 64.
@46 lolorhone Public toilets ? At work toilets are not gross public toilets.

And we don't have to sit to pee. If we weren't afraid of being raped by men, we could very well unclothe and pee standing, legs somewhat apart, in all our glory (yes I grew up in a desert place and I was into experimenting).

@45 "Fun with uteri" : oh, yeah. I hope I'll get to skip the "prolapsed" part of the fun... But then, we do get to make the babies by ourselves, which is a HUGE compensation. Mmm being pregnant, with a beloved baby within the comfiest baby craddle, and all that inside me, such great memories !
@48 I was so glad of the link,

I forgot to yell at you for finding an excuse to put a fucking fictional patriarchist up there,

thanks, ha ha, to the Red Sea of Exodus, which is just the Septuagint mistranslation of Yam Suph, the Reed Sea, so a shallow (and a lot less dramatic) salt lake, actually claimed to have been crossed on dry footing in the Torah.

Very bad taste there.
Ah.....the wonderful sensation of sudden pain so searing a sharp that you vomit and are stricken simultaneously by a migraine? And it happens every month? Fuck yeah! I scored 70, but they didn't put anything in there about ovarian cysts which are a super fun bonus.
sissoucat @46: The grossness of work toilets depend upon where you work. I worked at a college town bar for four years. Trust me. Gross.

And I learned the women can pee standing up thing from The Full Monty. I just figured it didn't happen often enough to count. :)

Has your "rhone" anything to do with our Rhône river ? I've been wondering, cher étalon zain.

I think there is a French legislation that allows workers to have their own set of toilets, separate from the public ones, even in a bar - because as far as I know, there's always a locked door labelled "private" or "employees only" in close proximity to the bar toilets, and I've often wished I could have access to those less filthy toilets. I can't see that happening on the bar owners own good willing, there must me some legislation at work. But I could be mistaken, and that door could just hide a clothes closet ; I don't know.

In the early 20th century, I'm definite that female field workers in southern France peed clothed and standing. They had panties on that had no cloth between the legs, and long dresses. So they would just stand still for some time and there would be a puddle undernearth and voilà ! That's how the grannies in southern France remembered it in the 80s.

As for toilets being made dirty by women who won't sit and pee all over them, as another commenter mentioned, I don't go in male toilets, but unisex toilets are by far more pee covered than female toilets in France (so I would never sit on them). And I don't think females can pee on the walls, can they ?
However, I have to admit regarding cleanliness, bar and restaurant toilets in Russia and France are on par, and that isn't a compliment to either side.
85. 85! My periods are terrible.
Not a great score, but a good story: I once had a job screening participants for a research study. I had to ask the question, "Have you ever had a period of two weeks or more in which you were depressed?" in order to screen out people with a history of clinical depression. I can't tell you how many women answered, "Honey [or something like that], EVERY time I have a period of two weeks or more, I am depressed!"
sissoucat @58: Why yes it does, mon chat de feu ! It is a Creole name; most of my family is from Louisiana which, as I'm sure you know, is heavily influenced by French (and African and Spanish) settlers/immigrants in culture, language, and food. Also, apparently there were some winemakers in my family's distant past. :)


The law requiring separate toilets for workers is genius. How I wish America followed suit.
@62 I think I'm falling in love all over again : on top of everything else you're Creole with winemakers in your ancestry ! Swoon !

If you ever come to France, tell people your family is from Louisiana, they'll love you instantly : we're very big on distant sons and daughters who've been smothered by the evil Anglo-Saxons - probably because for once we're not the ones who did the smothering. Ask the Quebecois : we love them to bits.

Do you, by any chance, like New Orleans jazz and the band Django à la Créole ?

As for nicer laws for workers, well, we wouldn't ever have had them, had we not been in close proximity with communist states, and had the capitalists not been so afraid of losing all of their money in a sudden revolution, that they were ready to accommodate for some basic rights (like 30mn of paid time, used for the midday meal : do you have that ?). Nowadays communism is gone and the capitalists push back and we're gradually losing all those rights our ancestors fought for. Because "recession" and "austerity". There is no austerity for the 1%.

It sounds like a male invented this question. How can anyone who's had periods, ever consider the possibility of the occurence of "a period of two weeks or more, inducing no depressed feelings" ?
Not a great score, but a good story: I once had a job screening participants for a research study. I would ask the scripted question, "Have you ever had a period of two weeks or more in which you were depressed?" in order to screen out people with a history of depression. I can't tell you how many women answered, "Honey, EVERY time I have a period of two weeks or more, I am depressed!"
Sorry for the repost. What I meant to send was:

The problem with the question is the word "period." The question should have been: "Have you ever been depressed for two weeks or more?" THAT'S the information that was wanted.
@laurax Oh, I get it now - sorry, non-native speaker here. Thanks for your kind explanation !
I love New Orleans jazz and have definitely heard of Django a la Creole! My ex was raving about them when he went to see them a few years ago (he lives in Paris and they were touring Europe).

And as for worker's rights, we're gradually losing the few we had here as we speak. In food service, you take whatever break ("the bathroom", "cigarettes") you can get away with because otherwise you be grinding away all eight hours of your shift. Is it technically legal? No. But it's how things are done.
Your ex has excellent taste. I love Django à la Créole and have their 3 CDs, which is no small feat since I'm not the collecting type. I try to go to their concert at least once a year when they're in France.

Evan Christopher is very cute in addition of being an amazing clarinettist, and on top of all that he's quite nice and friendly, and totally the gentleman. Whenever I mention Django à la Créole my kids joke "E-van is her boy-friend !" - even when I insist I don't have crushes on wedding-band wearing men. I've been told Don Vappie will join them in remplacement of Dave Blenkhorn, who can't tour as much since he's got a young family.

They're often in the US as well, and if you can go see them, I engage you to : you will definitely not lose your time !

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