Her reputation will "precede" her, not "proceed" her. Just getting in ahead of all the grammar Nazis before they descend.

People aren't sitting on the shelf, neatly sorted to match what she THINKS her preference might be. If she wants to play/have a relationship with a guy, she's going to have to find one and work things out with him.

A venue like FetLife allows for a lot of labor-saving filtering, but the kind of domme-ing she wants to do, and the way it will work out with a real-life guy is still going to be new territory. Especially if Dan is right and she's in terra incognito with Y chromosome types in general.

I'd echo Dan and say 'welcome to guyville.' We come in all varieties, several of which you may like a lot.

Where does she say, "I've tried to having sex with men without a domination component and it just doesn't work!" ? was that part cut?

@4: no it's a for-instance what-you-would-say if you weren't a dude faking this letter.

I can't get aroused by the thought of being in a sexual scenario with a man if I'm not a Domme.

Are there really any sub men out there who would be satisfied with playing the sub in every single sexual encounter? Don't most guys want an occasional blow job without having to grovel for it? Or grope a tit without having to beg?

I guess I assumed that even the dommiest doms and subbiest subs have at least some sexual versatility.

I'm a mid-20s bisexual male sub myself, and I'd say that I'm really only interested in being in a sexual situation if I'm being dominated by a woman. If this lady is in the Seattle-area, Dan, would you wanna play matchmaker ;)

And in response to 7, yes, there are super-subby sub men out there who are interested in being dominated in every single sexual encounter, my existence is proof!

@4. I think Dan's point was that this was something that she *didn't* say, and therefore he infers that she's never had sex with a male at all.

@8: Interesting, thanks!

estimates of the numbers of sub guys out there

Funny, I seem to mostly/only attract sub males, and I'm mostly/only looking for a Dom... mostly. (Actually, I found that I can switch for special guys.) My point is that there seems to be a lot of the "type" of partners that don't do it for you. But, it's probably just a perspective thang, don't you think?

@11: I sometimes think it's because we tend to stop looking (at least for a while) when we find what we're interested in, but we start looking again when we find what we aren't. I can sort of imagine a place where it's an even 50/50 split, and still finding mostly the wrong kind of partner.

I think total subs are rare - maybe 1% of men and 2% of women. Total doms are more common - maybe 4% of men and 2% of women.

Of course, I'm pulling these numbers right out of my lower digestive tract. Are there any stats for this sort of thing? SLOG poll!

LW, if you're real... have you considered that dating men might just not be for you? You like doing your kink with women, you like sex with women even when your kink isn't involved, but you have zero interest in sex with men when your kink isn't involved (yes, Dan did have a point about what we like in fantasy being different than what we like in reality, but if you've done your best and nothing about vanilla sex with men is appealing enough to get even a little aroused by, you probably know that you don't really want to do it.) And if sub men are what you're looking for, well... "go to Fetlife and/or your local kink community" is really not that difficult of an answer to come up with. It's practically conventional wisdom for kinky people at this point.

So I guess, maybe think about why you're pushing so hard to get yourself to date men, and if it's something you actually want to do?

There are tons of male subs out there, there simply aren't enough female doms for them.

Way more women want to be the subs, and in a lot of hetero relationships, the women are sort of the gatekeepers, so they more frequently get what they want in the dom/sub game. So guys who want to be subs end up having to be doms instead.

@15 - as a married woman over 40, I find I have a lot more options for play if I'm willing to top than if I'm just looking for someone to top me.

I'd prefer the latter (I prefer to be the one who is fucked, flogged, spanked, etc.), but I've found I can enjoy the former with the right person.

Well, I wasn't going to comment here anymore, but my resolve is gone. I don't think the letter is fake, because a male sub writing it would have gone into MUCH greater detail about the particular type of domination favored. But there does seem to be something a little off about the letter. Could she be trying to ask how to become a pro domme, but is too chicken to ask about the money side of things? I know some lesbians who do a little pro domming on the side--an easy fun way to make money that doesn't involve any sexual contact (or at least what a vanilla person would consider sexual contact).

In either case, FetLife is a good place for her to go, whether for fun and/or profit. There are good groups there of female dominants who can show her the ropes. She will probably be overwhelmed by the response, though--BDSM from most numerous to least seem to run female sub, male sub, male dominant, female dominant. She will be like chum in the water.

@seandr My sub and I frequently have vanilla sex, but it is with the understanding that he is obediently providing me pleasure (including the pleasure of me giving him a blowjob). So while not every sex act will involve grovelling, it is always within the greater context of of my command, with the recent memory of my beating his ass or tying him up and gagging him. I am always in control, even during straight up missionary. I have a very high libido--he is never in the position of having to beg for sex, although he is often in the position of having to beg for an orgasm.

Hmm. I'm wondering whether the LW is even really bisexual (following Miracle @ 14 above). Why? Well, even it it's entirely on a subconscious level, it seems she's imposed a Price of Admission on her own psyche where she's comfortable relating to women in more than one way, but might only be able to be with a man if she dominates him. From my use of "might", you can tell I agree with Dan's speculation that she has yet to have any sex with a man. Perhaps she's a closet lesbian who still wants to have some type of relationship with men (catering to parental expectations, 'cuz she's only 22), but the only way she can accomplish it is via the Domme route. Or else she gets (so far theoretical) satisfaction from asserting radical lesbian superiority over men.

I'd also dispute the real ratio between male and female submissives. IMO submissive women can get many of their needs met by choosing stereotypically dominant (old-fashioned) men and encouraging their partners to up their game in and out of bed.

Anyway, that's my short two cents' worth ... for the LW to reassess whether bisexuality defines who she is and how it can fulfill her – without requiring excessive mental gymnastics.

I will have to dig out the study to cite this, but there are absolutely more male submissives than female. It's not even close. For one thing, only 30 percent of bdsm participants are female.