Agreed, DTMF. Even if you give him EVERY benefit of the doubt, he is still a man whose ability to honestly communicate his wants and desires is unacceptably low, and his lack of awareness for how miserable that makes you means this guy is not relationship material.

But I want to emphasize, that is the MOST charitable explanation I can come up with. What I actually think is that this guy is a manipulative POS who is gaslighting you as a way to control you.

One thing I've learned from my relationships and many friends': if your significant other neglects you or acts shitty toward you on your birthday, especially on your 40th, which so many people find difficult to go through, it's time to DTMF. If s/he can't make an effort for you on that day, then you can't expect much for the rest of the year. And it'll get worse with every passing year.

Don't listen to Dan, he's gay. Just dye your hair RED, fer chissakes. And try to make your pigtails tighter, and your lace stockings lacier. It's all about pleasing the man at all times, baby.

Whoops, meant "dye your hair BROWN, you stupid woman".

All the things that @1 said.

This really is just mystifying. You've only been together 9 months, you're not married, you don't have kids, you don't own property together, it doesn't even sound like you live together... he's being an asshole, treating you like shit, and won't have sex with you. In what parallel universe does this not equal DUMP IMMEDIATELY?

@ 3,4 - I knew that each of the Beatles has treated his wife/gf badly at one point or another, but I thought you guys had evolved on the issue.

Has he fucked you since your birthday? It's possible he's dealing with erectile dysfunction right now. Doesn't make him less of a jerk (fucking doesn't need to involve an erect cock), but it would explain a few things.

@6. Hmm, sarcasm already?

And, yeah, don't marry a guy who ignores you sexually. Really, just don't, nothing good will happen.

@ 8 - Are you suggesting that I didn't get the sarcasm? If so, you're the one who didn't.

I don't actually think it's really the Beatles. In case you don't know, two of them are dead.

Dump the guy yesterday. Why stay?

Actually, never mind. You should marry him and have like 5 kids. I hear that's a solution that works for people. Not many people, maybe...

I'm dying to know what's going on in this guy's head.

I don't think he's a manipulator as @1 suggested, because that would have manifested itself in other areas besides sex.

Maybe he's not attracted to LW, but he used to be, and it seems unlikely his tastes would do a 180 like that.

Maybe he's worried about ED, but that would typically follow from one or more failed attempts, and LW doesn't say anything about that.

My advice - tell him he needs to be honest with you about what's going on, or you are going to walk.

@Ricardo: if your significant other neglects you ...on your birthday...it's time to DTMF.

Yes, but I'd add a caveat to that.

If your significant other is female, don't ask for or expect sex as a birthday gift. Feeling obliged or pressured to have sex is a boner killer for a lot of women, which makes that whole set up a recipe for disappointment and resentment. If there's a special birthday blowjob in store for you, let it be her idea.

Kudos the the LW for not starting off by saying how awesome her boyfriend is before revealing the fatal flaws in their relationship.

that said, it doesn't matter why he's saying one thing and doing another - a relationship that goes that far south after only 6 months isn't worth the effort she's putting into it at this point.

It doesn't matter why he's treating you like crap; it only matters that he's treating you like crap.

I mean, if it was a one-time thing, it would matter why. And you should initiate an honest conversation and get clarity and try to hopefully work through things. But this is now the status quo in this relationship; this behavior represents one-third the total lifespan of the relationship. Since it's the most recent three months, it won't take long for it to to be a higher and higher percentage of the overall duration. You don't need that and you don't need to know why he's acting this way. Maybe you're not his type. Maybe he's not that into you, but he wants to be into you. Maybe he's a manipulative controlling jerk. Maybe he's a tormented soul. Maybe he's crippled by fears of e.d. Maybe he gets scared of the idea of a real relationship. Does it matter when he so clearly doesn't want to fix things or even discuss them with you?

Move on.

What you need to do is get out.

@9; don't remind me. When John was shot, just like when JFK was shot- I remember clearly where I was.
And with JFK, I was all of 12yrs old. John Lennon, bit of a shitty dad to his first son, but what a loss. A cool cool guy.

Jesus. If the sex is this bad after six months, this relationship is doomed. One more vote for DTMFA.

And what kind of asshole is that much of a prick on their partner's birthday? That alone is grounds for DTMFA.

LW; you need help to decide where to go with this man?
He's a dickhead. And maybe do some therapy to strengthen you, so you don't waste any more time on dickheads.

@ 15 - JL was also a shitty husband to his first wife. He cheated on her hundreds of time, then later tried to accuse her of adultery to get a divorce because she had had one affair (this after he revealed his numerous infidelities to her and while Yoko Ono was pregnant, although she miscarried). He was also physically violent with his women.

But in spite of that, he's still one of my greatest personal heroes - when I manage to separate the artist/thinker from the abusive bastard.

@ 12 - I have zero experience with women, so I'll take your word for it. But in my mind, "neglecting" doesn't mean "not have sex with". Sometimes sex just can't happen, and sometimes one of the two really doesn't feel like it. But if your S.O. makes you feel like a piece of shit s/he'd like to wipe off his/her feet on your own birthday, instead of somebody special who deserves an extra effort (and some self-effacement from the S.O.), then the S.O.'s gotta go.

I've seen guys (gays and straights) throw tantrums, deny sex (or anything else that would have been a nice thing to do) just to show they were in control, ruin dinner parties, try to humiliate their S.O. in front of all their friends and generally do anything they could to make sure that they'd be the center of attention on their S.O.'s birthday. In all cases, in my own relationships (twice) or my friends', this retrospectively turned out to be the point at which the relationship ceased to be viable, even if it sometimes took a lot longer to end it.

So, LW, end it NOW because it's already over.

Treating someone like crap, on their birthday, without an explanation/apology ("Sorry, I wish I wanted to, and I tried to want to, but I'm all depressed about my dog dying.") -- that alone is a sign that they want out but are too chicken/stupid/confused to end it.

I think the right response is to break up with them on Facebook, or maybe via a text message.

@11--I want to know what is going through HER head that she is still with him. Actions speak, words don't. His actions say: I want OUT, so GO!

I really can never believe it, but this is one of the best examples I have ever seen: Women fall in love with their ears.

RUN LIKE HELL away from him!

@15

I was watching Mork and Mindy and asked my older siblings, "Who is John Lenin?"

@21: Um, no Ricardo. Please don't take his word for it. Many women are happy to fulfill special birthday requests. It's practically a cliche at this point.

@18; yes. A hard one to renconcile - and of course, I have to stay
True to my Feminist Credentials.
However, just loved John Lennon as a teenager( before feminism hit my brain), and love him still.

@9. Totally get it. And chances are I know more about the fab four than most; I skipped a goodly portion of high school in order to absorb facts and trivia. Point of pride almost.

Again, there's nothing to redeem here. The sex is gone, there's little commitment at stake. LW should walk.

Erectile dysfunction is no excuse for neglect and gaslighting.



And any man who doesn't prefer redheads is suspect.



You DO mention that during your birthday tryst: 'He sat and watched TV and drank for hours' Dan isn't too good about noticing, but ALCOHOL is a big relationship killer. Does this guy have a relationship with booze that is more important to him than you are?



DTMFA....

@ 25 - Don't worry. "I'll take your word for it" is just code for "I won't enter into a debate on this issue with you."



As a matter of fact, when it comes to heterosexual relationships, I tend to take the woman's word for it (unless the man is my brother or a trusted longtime friend).



But what seandr says here does correspond to what many of my women friends have told me over the years: they don't like sex to be expected of them. In the very specific instance of birthdays, though, my women friends are generally more likely to willingly and enthusiastically provide the surprises. It's usually the men who are lacking in this respect.

Re the "birthday sex" issue: I would think a lot of it would come down to HOW you ask, and how you respond to your partner's efforts before, during, and after. Asking for special birthday sex could be a fun evening together, or an excuse to be a controlling jerk or complain about everything.

This sounds like operant conditioning.

> Pair the stimulus (boyfriend) with a reward (happy attention, companionship and fun sex) for a behaviour (stockings, lace and pigtails) for six months.

> Continue presenting the stimulus but without the reward.

> Watch the subject demonstrate an extinction burst as she escalates the behaviour and broadens its scope (including writing to Dan for other ideas) to elicit the reward.

> When the extinction burst fails to produce the reward, the behaviour stops (she dumps the guy).

Tl;dr: She’s probably already dumped him.

I'm with seandr here, regarding straight couples. Make sure through good communication that your girlfriend knows a few activities that you really love (or special outfits that really turn you on, or whatever). And then don't talk about those things the week of your birthday.

Let it be a "surprise," by giving her room to feel that it is her idea. And as with all presents, be a good sport about whatever she gives you, as long as you feel her heart is in the right place. If she spends your birthday drinking and ignoring you, then DTMFA.

Or people could just stop having cows over their birthdays. When I was still socially active, I gave presents on my birthday. That made the experience much more pleasant.

Run and watch your back. He sounds psycho.

@7: "Has he fucked you since your birthday? It's possible he's dealing with erectile dysfunction right now. Doesn't make him less of a jerk (fucking doesn't need to involve an erect cock), but it would explain a few things."

Erectile dysfunction doesn't force someone to belittle their partner. Maybe he's dysfunctional, but that's irrelevant to the DTMFA.

Birthdays and the sense of entitlement that seems so frequently to go with them are often weird. For the past 15 or so, I've been sending my mother (who lives out of state) flowers on mine, with a card that reads: "thank you for what you did -- years ago."

It would never occur to me to either ask for, demand, expect or be expected to provide special sex on a birthday. I guess I kind of think that either you have the kind of relationship in which you both are happy and eager to provide pleasure to the other (and in fact, you each find a majority of the same acts pleasurable) regularly, and thus would have no need to make a special effort or exception for a birthday, or you just don't.

nocutename: It would never occur to me to either ask for...

Funny, my birthday is coming up, the wife keeps asking what I want, and what immediately leaps to mind is something remarkably similar to LW's birthday scenario. Put me in her boyfriend's place, and it'd be everybody's birthday in that hotel room. Which is why I'm dying to know what the fuck he's thinking.

I think I said I'd go out and buy myself a guitar since my daughter seems to have claimed my old one. Chances are pretty good there'll be cake.

SeanDr; wouldn't show that clip on my phone.
So; when's your birthday?

SeanDr; That's a bit sad. You going to buy your own present.
If " the wife(?)" has asked you what you want, then why not tell her?
What is your fantasy birthday scenario? Hotel room, her dressing in a certain way- dinner, show? What?
Yes, putting " and a birthday blow job" in that response, may not be wise.
However, if the " vibe" ( showing my age), is right , the
Sex will just follow.
Go on. Answer " The Wife's" question.

Hey, seandr, my birthday's also coming up! Happy Birthday, and I hope that you get what you want.

For what it's worth, no one's asking what I want (except my daughter), but I'm generally grateful for whatever anyone wants to get me--"special" sex or decorated post-it notes, you name it. And the scenario that the lw described sounded like a lot of fun to me, too. Maybe her boyfriend wanted post-it notes instead.

First and foremost - DTMFA. Duh. But, there's got to be something else she didn't mention. She rented a room for her birthday - to have sex - and he just sat there? That's weird. Oh, and perhaps he's cheating on her and is no longer as interested in the sexy times, because of guilt and such. If she was writing Dan in order to be told to DTMFA, then she wins. Although, it's difficult to understand how she couldn't get there on her own.

@seandr and anyone else who can answer:
How do you make your links look the way they do--not just show the whole URL, but one underlined, clickable word, like what you did with "cake" above @37.

I'd like to be able to incorporate links more elegantly or wittily and I have a Mac, if that makes a difference.
Thanks in advance.

yesterday was my birthday. i got a $100 from my MIL and a bottle of sake and a Kampachi cheek from my sushi chef.

no pigtailed redhead in thigh highs fucked me. :(

I'm voting for the controlling psycho explanation. Someone mentioned if it was that it would've showed up in more aspects of their relationship, but not necessarily. Sometimes controlling abusers gradually increase the controlling behavior over time, which can lead to the partner getting used to it and be less likely to end the relationship suddenly.





Two things stood out to me here that pointed to controlling psycho. The first one was this sentence, "When I got dressed he got mad. " So, she dresses up for *him* on HER birthday, he ignores her for several hours, she's feeling upset, disappointed, sexually frustrated, angry, and she does the logical thing. She gives up, disengages, and gets dressed. And only then does he participate by getting mad. I'm sure it kept the drama going and gave her some serious emotional whiplash. That sounds like controlling behavior to me, not just asshole behavior.





Second thing: "He says I'm making up stuff or that I'm just being insecure." Unless this only happened the one time, she's got multiple concrete examples of times he used to get excited when she dressed up, and now does nothing; how they used to have awesome sex, and now they don't. To say, "No those things did not happen, you are making them up," that's some serious gas-lighting there. She takes the bait, believes the gas-lighting a little bit, believes the insults a little bit, and then he finishes with, "You're just being insecure," and BAM it's true! She is insecure! And suddenly the things he says sound like truth.





Gas-lighting is a problem for two reasons. We, especially men, are taught to use it on women anytime they're having feelings that are uncomfortable for us. That's awful. But what's even more awful is that when women experience gas-lighting, they are taught to believe it and accept it as truth. That's how a secure woman like this can turn into an insecure one who's reluctant to break up with her short term asshole boyfriend.

@37: Your video got me thinking of this one, which I wish I could link to more elegantly:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EqVGU_N_…

@LavaGirl: It's not really sad, I just can't think of anything I really want that I wouldn't have to buy myself.

The link is a video of Rhianna reuniting with the infamous Chris Brown (yes THAT Chris Brown, she plays by her own rules) performing the sexiest song about pussy ever.

For a birthday fantasy, uh, let's just say I'm into what I guess you could call the "sexy little fuck bunny" look and leave it at that. And, hey, why not capture the memories on video? Dinner comes afterward so as not to ruin our appetite for desert, so to speak.

When's my birthday? Same day as my son's birthday, of course. He used to always ask "Dad, what's your favorite birthday present ever?" One time I jokingly said "Hmm, that's a tough one, probably a bicycle", and he burst into tears.

@nocutename: Happy birthday to you too!

You have to use a little html: <a href="insert link here" rel="nofollow">insert text here</a>. Careful with your new powers, if you don't get it right you could turn all of SLOG into one big horrendous link.

And here I thought "work it" and "shake that booty" was a celebration of labor and its spoils. Turns out they're talking about sex and rear ends!

Interesting, SLOG automatically inserted the rel="nofollow" part. You can leave that part out.

Trying with the first thing that comes to mind. Cross your fingers. And Thanks -- birthday wishes and html tutoring.

Hmm. Not yet. Okay, how about this?

SeanDr-









If your wife asks what you want and you want what the L says? I don't see asking for what you want in a long term commuted relationship as pressure or weird at all.









"Honey, I don't want anything except for you, dressed up in an outfit I pick out for you, and me and you fucking each others brains out all night"









This is, to me, an incredibly normal conversation to have with a wife/long term gf. Most girls I know would be absolutely thrilled to have their man suggest such a thing.









And sorry, but I have to disagree with you original comment way up there. So your advice is to "play it cool" instead of "expecting" it and hope it happens?









Sorry, if I want to get laid on my birthday and my wife just says no, that's going ti be a big problem. Not at all because I didn't get laid. But because it's a special night for me and it's hardly asking her to do some chore she hates. Her refusal without a valid reason would be extremely bizarre . Just like on my wife's birthday, if she wants sex, even if I don, you'd better believe I'd better make myself hard and start fucking her or shits gonna go down. And of course, once I get started, I always enjoy it.









And you can say "we'll, your a guy" but in my relationship, she has the stronger sex drive. We rarely say no to each other but I'm "suckling it up" and performing when im not really feeling it quite a bit more often then she has too.

Jesus. Sorry about the huge gaps. They seemed so much more reasonable in the text box.

I'm obviously doing something wrong.
Let me try again.

And sorry about the typos too.

I have fat thumbs.

@armyguy26: No biggie. Hey, at least you're not worried you're going to mess up the entire thread with some unclosed html command! I mean what kind of loser would do a thing like that?!
I did love your typo: but I'm "suckling it up", though. Very nice visual . . .

So whatever I'm doing, it's failing, though I am able to create a nice blue underlined word. Which doesn't link to what I'm trying to link to.

Now I'm on a mission.

Or a desperate frenzy.

Dammit.

Hmm. What if I try this?

@armyguy26: Well, my statement was about "a lot of women", not "all women". The age of the relationship and whether or not you have kids is probably also relevant.

Her refusal without a valid reason would be extremely bizarre

It's exactly that sense of entitlement and obligation that just doesn't work in my relationship. I mean, I guess it's worked sometimes in that she's gone through with it, but things have been more satisfying all around since I dropped the expectation.

And don't get me wrong - she's totally down for a hotel fuck fest. In fact, we've got one planned in a month. It's just more fun if it isn't cast as a birthday requirement.

@59 "It's exactly that sense of entitlement and obligation that just doesn't work in my relationship. I mean, I guess it's worked sometimes in that she's gone through with it, but things have been more satisfying all around since I dropped the expectation. . . . It's just more fun if it isn't cast as a . . .requirement."

This: YES. Applicable to virtually every aspect of a relationship, in my humble opinion.

@nocutename: Let's try a specific example. If you want to link to kink dot com and have it show up in the comment as "elbow fucking":

<a href="http://kink.com" rel="nofollow">elbow fucking</a>

Again, SLOG automatically inserts rel="nofollow" (tells google to ignore the link when calculating page rank to prevent link spam), so you can leave that off.

Wait, you're a little redhead dressing up in stockings trying to get him to take video or pictures or have sex with you AND HE HAS OTHER THINGS TO DO?

On behalf of heterosexual men everywhere, and also on behalf of people like myself who think little redheads are just about the sexiest thing on the planet even before you try to spice it up, ... run away from this schlub: DTMFA. You're wasting yourself on this unappreciative noncommunicative schmuck. Maybe he has some Serious Issues going on wherein having sex with the sexy woman he loves on her birthday is just too much of a hassle, but you know: the guy is age 42 and it's just not your problem. He's had 42 years to get it together, and if this is what you're getting now I'm not seeing that things are going to be better when he's *not* trying this hard to charm you into being his wife.

@60, in continuation: It's not just on birthdays, nor is it just about sex, nor does--or should--the length of the relationship or the children-status factor in. Feeling like you are under obligation is never fun; feeling appreciated is always nice. Showing appreciation is always good form; acting like an entitled, petulant brat never is.

Once my parents were visiting me and my husband when we had been married about 17 years. I cooked dinner, as I did every night that a home-cooked dinner was eaten in our house, and my husband quite sincerely thanked me for making dinner, as he did every night. My mother was surprised at the expression of thanks, which is something that has rarely, if ever, come from my father, and when my husband and I said that it was a genuine sentiment expressed regularly, she gave a meaningful look at my father, who ignored it.

Kind of ironic that my (ex) husband and I divorced and my parents are still married, but for what it's worth, my marriage didn't end because I felt I was taken for granted.

Okay, back to the ol' drawing board: this has been making me laugh today.

@23, 'women fall in love with their ears'. This is a statement that is too-often true. It took me a long time to realize that what someone does is the only important thing. A partner SHOWS you that they want to be with you, a jackass says they do but doesn't put anything forward. DTMFA.

Woo Hoo! Thank you, seandr!

@65: Jujubee80, I was always told "actions speak louder than words," which is the same thing, I guess, as "women fall in love with their ears." Then I met a guy whose actions were screaming "I want to be with you" (you know, actions, like taking me away for the weekend, getting theater tickets, fucking me senseless for hours and hours and hours, introducing me to his oldest and closest friends, cooking elaborate meals for me, buying me little thoughtful presents) all the while telling me in his words: "I don't really see us together for the long haul." (Followed immediately by "what are you doing Friday?").

I decided to trust his actions, and not his words. And then he dumped me. Guess I should have listened.

I see mistakes on both sides here. Bring on the flames.

She seems to be treating him like a brain damaged husband that she likes caretaking.

If the sex is not good for both people in a couple, if both are not expressing satisfaction often, a romantic relationship will die. Period. It sounds like it's gone platonic and she's caretaking like she might a family member. Has she told him that her sex drive is almost dead? Maybe they can't talk about sex?

I see two people who aren't perfectly magically compatible at first which is standard, who both gave up on compatibility. Because she hasn't mentioned telling him squat about what she needs (the frequency, positions, kinks, and dynamics that held her attention in the past). And he's started inexplicably rejecting her. Sexual rejection in a romantic relationship is hurtful on both sides. He's either a complete asshole or he's hurting.

Her attempts to engage his interest have failed. His attempts to engage her interest seem non existent. They both seem to have a hard time showing, let alone demanding what they need sexually. Before dtmfa, a hail mary ultimatum may work. She needs to learn to stand up for her sexual/emotional needs and he needs to learn that if you don't milk the cow it's gonna wander to someone else. I hope she leaves before she cheats and that he isn't cheating yet.

I'd also like to ask her why she didn't express how hurt she was over the birthday rejection. I've never been asked for a birthday sexual favor, and I haven't thought to ask for one either. Sex is more like food in my mind, if one of the nicer meals occurs on my birthday that's sweet but not a big deal if the gift is in another area.

As for what's going on in his brain. My guesses are into porn or massive denial or a sociopath. Yay that no one else guessed gay either.

I guess I see the point.



We are younger and fuck all the time. It wouldn't occur to us to NOT fuck each other on our birthdays. I don't think either of us feels any obligation. Or, maybe more accurately, the obligation we each feel to satisfy each other is not (at this point in our lives) considered a burden by either of us whatsoever.



I think we both like the idea that we have a stake in our partners satisfaction

Happy Birthday to you Max! Sorry the redhead didn't show up.

Ok SeanDr; be coy, re date. In advance, Happy Birthday.
Mine is 11/11. So not long for mine, either. And the world takes time to remember peace on that day , from another war,
as we all dive into this one.

I lived in this relationship/marriage for far too many years (16 total). Trust me when I say that I know, better than most, that love is more than sex...a lot more...but hindsight is such that I'd not do it again, given the chance. While there was a period I thought of leaving/dissolving the marriage, I did love him, and he loved me in his way, and in the end, in my situation, I'm glad I didn't leave, as he got sick and passed away two years ago, but I now find myself working hard to undo the damage done. If you can't talk it out, then move on...you deserve better, for yourself!

Agree with Dan 100%. There is no sane reason to continue with this nonsense. Actions trump words, always. If this is what you're getting for 3 of 9 months, so far, there is much more of this to come. I think she is fortunate to see this now while she can easily end it, rather than later after potentially marrying. I hope she really takes a step back and is able to see it more clearly and get outta dodge.

My vote is for Guilty Cheater who had a pity party for himself and his bad bad cheating ways on her 40th birthday. Filing this under #sogladimnotwithmyex

I was once with a guy who would gaslight me along these lines. He was a deeply insecure man, who I believe was initially attracted to me because (ironically) I am not conventionally attractive and he thought the fact that I am socially awkward meant I had low self-esteem. He became intimidated when he realized I have a wide circle of very close friends, a family who loves me dearly and a very successful career. My social awkwardness is the result of a learning disability. He thought he would have all the power in the relationship because he was very good looking and athletic, but had very low self esteem himself (in addition to very few truly close friends and a dead-end job), thus the desire to have all the power in the relationship. He was constantly undermining me, often subtly but sometimes quite obviously.

I never saw romantic relationships as a power struggle, and my previous boyfriends had treated me very well. I didn't realize what was going on with regard to the gaslighting. It never occurred to me that my own boyfriend would find me threatening. I only realized what was going on when I broke up with him for the simple reason that I realized the relationship was not adding to my happiness - I didn't know why, I just knew I was happier when I was single.

The truly sad part? In his own weird way, he was deeply in love with me. He was devastated when I ended the relationship, but he couldn't get past his own insecurities even then to be the kind of person I needed him to be (which was really just a normal, decent person, not anything superhuman).

LW, you need to drop this guy like a hot potato. He's not worth the grief he's causing you, and he's not going to change.

LW: He does not love you... But I would. All night long.

Call me!

Ricardo; been thinking about John Lennon. You gotta remember this was TheBeatles. Girls and women were hysterical. And males too.
Hadn't heard he was physically violent. So , don't know that transgression.
It is a hard one, to love the creative artist but feel disquiet re the personal behaviour. Like for me, got really turned off Picassos
Work after I read how he treated his children. The women , too. But he was such an arsehole pig to his children.
John did evolve into a man of substance.

I've got it.

The honeymoon phase was wearing off, the LW asks for sexy birthday, and boyfriend suddenly finds himself turned off by her unabashed libido. He's more turned on by a nice innocent demure girl who is sometimes transformed into a very naughty one. Fits with the whole pigtail/stocking thing. He probably doesn't have a full handle on what's going on because a) he's male, and b) all of his previous women more or less fit his type. If it has dawned on him, he know's she won't be happy with the news.

It doesn't really matter why he's treating her so badly, she should leave him. He's not worth her time. But I wanted to chime in on the thread of trusting actions versus trusting words. I personally hold to the advice that mixed messages are one message, and that message is something along the lines of: For whatever reason, I am not currently in a place where I can be in a healthy relationship.
So, find someone whose words and actions match up and both are good. If someone warns you with their words, believe them and leave. If someone mistreats you with their actions, leave. You actually can have it all. You can have someone who both says and does good things. It's not actually that much to ask for in a relationship.

SeanDr; yeah, well whatever the causes- this guy is a downer. Probably, as you say, doesn't know how to really handle a women with a functional clit - except in contained ways.
This woman is 40, she needs to tell this TV watching drinker to take a hike.. Then go find a man who enjoys her sense of play.

John Lennon was a pretty big asshole to most of the people in his real life for most of his life (I want to believe in his redemption-at-aged 35 narrative, so I choose to, but I'm aware that it was a self-serving story and only corroborated by the one person whose agenda it also served, so who knows).

But he was a musical genius, and an incredible talent, as well as being the Cheeky One and balancing out Paul's penchant for saccharine.
He was a blazing light that went out way too early, and when someone so well-loved (both artistically and for what he represented as a Beatle) dies so young, so violently, so senselessly, especially with a young child at home and in a moment of grace after years of fucked-upness, it has a way of becoming an Epic Tragedy. Or at least it did for me--I was 18, and Beatles photos were still plastered around my room when he died.

John Lennon is a classic example of an artist--or any genius or otherwise vitally important person--being forgiven for being a screwed-up human because of his art or his contribution to humanity. But it's hard. He joins the ranks of Gandhi, Picasso, Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr., every anti-Semitic or racist author, Philip Roth, John Updike, and Woody Allen. It's not just our athletes we want to be role models.

@79 >> You can have someone who both says and does good things. It's not actually that much to ask for in a relationship. >>

And yet, not everyone who wants a happy relationship finds one. So it's not the simplest thing in the world to find a compatible person to love, not as easy as ordering take-out Chinese, say.

In my case, Mr. P. has lied to me several times over our two decades together. Some people would leave over that. But Dan instead advised, "well, now you know he's capable of lying to you. What you do with that information is up to you." And what I choose to do is to look at Mr. P.'s actions, which are kind and generous and sexy and express his love for me. The lies were about things which embarrassed him, but he wasn't putting my health at risk.

So, do I trust his words less than if I'd never caught him lying? Yes. But do I trust him to be kind and generous and sexy and loving? Yes. I'm not looking for a perfect partner. Lord knows I'm not a perfect partner. I've found someone who suits me and I take the bad with the good.

@82 It's true not everyone finds a partner they can happily be with. I also don't consider all lies to be equal. But I wasn't really discussing lies. I was replying to the example of someone acting loving but saying things like, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now." Usually when people explicitly warn you about problems with themselves or problems with them in relationships, you should trust them. There are some false positives, but far more often I've discounted somebody's words about themselves because I thought they must be exaggerating or couldn't possibly be serious to later learn, no, they were accurately presenting the serious flaws they had. I think when people warn you with their words, you should listen, even if their current actions seem good. Often their later actions will not. I don't even see how your point with face-saving lies shows a mismatch between words and actions, because you didn't mention any way in which his words contradicted his actions.

Face-saving lies that don't actually cause harm, those are easy to forgive. Just as lies of simplification. For example, some people say "allergy" when they mean "intolerance" simply because not everyone understands food intolerances. The basic gist that they should not eat that food is still true, and the lie is more of a simplification to save time. Lies of that nature are also generally not warning signs of problems. Personally, I really dislike lies and value a high degree of honesty (but not telling the whole truth, I think sometimes you shouldn't ask a question or volunteer some info), but I know most people are more okay with dishonesty than I am. And not all dishonesty is equal. I'm not saying you should hold out for a partner who is 100% honest. That would be very difficult, since last I read the average person (not sure what the population pool represented to know if this is strongly culturally influenced or not, but still likely relevant to most readers) told multiple lies per day. But these tend to be small lies, not lies that are going to seriously hurt their loved ones. And you can very easily accept someone you can't trust to tell you if you don't actually look good in an outfit to be honest about serious matters like are they seeing someone else. Engaging in small social lies is not actually an indicator that someone will lie about anything.

@uncreative: these were lies about seeing someone else, moving toward sex. They were the kind of lies people break up over. I agree with you that if someone says "I'm no good for you," or "I'm not ready for a relationship" you should believe them and think of it as short term fun. My point was just that if someone shows you over years together that they are good at being a responsible partner, then it's possible to move past even serious lies, even when you're not sure they won't lie again.

I'm a bit loath to counter one of your posts nocute;
But no. John Lennon not on the same par with Picasso in terms of arse- hole behaviour . Woody Allen anti- Semetic? Why? Because he wrote about how he experienced being Jewish?
John Lennon was a cool guy. In my opinion. From the distance of a fan. Not a perfect man, obviously. A very wounded man. But as I read his life passage, he became a man of substance, before he died.

@84 That's true. I agree with that. Years of trust and learning the safe boundaries of it can allow for a lot of things. My comment was really intended more in the context of early relationships. Plus, humans and relationships are very complex, so almost any general guideline will have complex exceptions.

And without Phillip Roths " Portnoys Complaint"( another Jewish man, writing about his experience of being Jewish), I wouldn't have been able to navigate the very strange( to me) relationship my Jewish husband had with his Mother. Already, I was in the bad books cause I wasn't Jewish.

Oh LavaGirl, I didn't mean that either Woody Allen or Philip Roth were anti-semites. Roth is frequently considered a misogynist and a lot of people have problems with Allen because of the circumstances under which he met and became involved with his current wife. There are also some who believe he molested his daughter.
I just meant that all those people have or have been accused of having major flaws (anti-semitism is just one of them).

For what it's worth, I am not only a huge Beatles fan, but specifically a John Lennon fan (both in his Beatle and solo careers). And while I think it's maybe not possible and certainly not productive to rank assholery (so perhaps Picasso "wins," but I don't know how one establishes criteria for asshole-judging), I think it's safe to say that John Lennon treated a lot of people in his life very poorly. Which I tend to overlook or excuse because of his music. Which makes me a bit uncomfortable with my own hypocrisy. And which also makes me human, as Lennon was.

@88; well I have no issue at all with John Lennon. My connection to him, his music, his flawed humanity. I love him still..
Picasso. Used to love his work until I read about his sadistic( to me) neglect of his children. So then his art became repulsive
(yep; there's that word) to me.
Have little regard for Woody Allen, because of his behaviour with his daughter( alleged) and how he got together with his current wife. My respect for his work, died.
Phillip Roth. Tried reading his other books. He just bored me.

@69 Thank you for your service.
And thanks for giving me a reason to type that line.

Sounds like the man is a coward who wants to break up but is instead being a jerk so that she'll do all the work of it.

Lessee - 1) nine months into a relationship, people should be able to talk with their SO about troubles they might be having, sexually or otherwise. If he's having e.d. or second thoughts, or whatever, he needs to be an adult and address it with her.
2) Speaking from experience, people in their 40's are likely to have demanding jobs, and not necessarily be able to swing the whole hotel room scene on the exact birth day if it's not Friday/Saturday night. Even if it's a milestone birthday.
But 3) it seems reasonable to me to swing some kind of hotel room scene as close to the birthday as possible, if that's what the birthday girl/boy wants. I certainly want to set up a sleepover at a friend's for my child, a hotel room for my SO of 7 months standing, and fuck every which way - as a birthday present. My SO is enthusiastic about the idea.
Nonetheless, 4) expecting superfantastic sex as a birthday present could breed performance anxiety. In my case, I wonder if postponing the hotel scene to a later time let us off the hook, and contributed to some pretty steamy sexy times, including some new and unexpected moves, the weekend after our birthdays last month.
Ultimately, I think LW should dump BF, and find someone who treats her right.

@Ricardo #2

Oh, thank you so much for your comment !

I broke up with my primary because he made several shitty remarks to me on the morning of my 40th birthday. He's an awesome guy in many other respects, and we're still very good friends, so I was ambivalent about that breakup. He's the kind who thinks that being financially and physically caring makes quite unnecesary being verbally caring, especially when he feels like shit. I disagree. I need verbal care as much as physical care (as for financial care, I don't expect that from lovers).

Hey Sissoucat; hope you and the kids are going well.

Hey LavaGirl, thanks for your kind concern ! We're doing okay, same ole same ole. I'd really like something to spice up my life, like, to have sex with someone once in a while. But so far this year, the ones that have caught my fancy have either proven unattainable, or a lousy lay. Eh. Tomorrow is another day.

Re : acting entitled on one's birthday.

I guess my birthday is the sole day in the year where I expect a little kindness and attention from the people I yearly give kindness and attention to. And not getting it, feels totally crushing on that day, when on other days it feels quite mundane. And usual, too.

Besides, the one week prior to that event, I usually get to reflect on my whole life, and so far what I've achieved does not counterbalance both what I've fucked up and how other people have fucked me up.

So I make sure the least possible persons know about the precise day, and on my birthday, I'm on downers. It's that, or be a fucking mess.

@ 93 - I would say "my pleasure", but quite frankly, it would be more of a pleasure for me not to have had the experiences that led me to this conclusion.

@ 96 - I wouldn't say it's "acting entitled". It's your birthday, for fuck's sake! Doesn't everyone deserve a bit of extra attention on that day? Isn't that the whole idea behind birthday parties, gifts, etc.? So if everyone agrees this is your special day, the very least your partner can do is make a bit of an effort not to ruin it.

Of course, as other people have stated, you can postpone the party, dinner, hotel fuck or whatever for a more convenient moment if necessary, but that doesn't mean you can be an asshole on the actual b-day.

Re: birthdays, birthday entitlement in general, and this lw's birthday experience and the relationship it has to her overall letter.

I understand sissoucat's point of view. My birthday comes in a week and I feel terrible if it's neglected--which, fortunately for me, it rarely is. (The last year of my marriage, my husband ignored it entirely, and I was extremely hurt, but we were living though such a world of pain at that point.) I get phone calls and a card or two, and sometimes more--a couple of years ago, two of my students found out it was my birthday and surprised me with flowers in class, which was very sweet and very surprising. And I confess that I like to have a bit of a fuss made over me on my birthday: having my daughter make dinner for me, or at least not having to do all the household chores for that one day.

But that's different from what I termed "birthday entitlement"--which comes with high expectations of being the center of the universe and pouting if they aren't met. I'm sure everyone knows someone who acts that way.

As to the letter writer and her birthday sex fiasco, I don't think the fact that it was her birthday had much to do with it. It's true that the rejection might sting that much more on her birthday, but given that she went to such trouble and expense to be ignored and neglected on her own birthday, it's understandable that she be upset. Additionally, it sounds like the fantasy sex she was denied was tailored at least as much to his interests as it was to hers. It doesn't sound as if she was asking to be indulged in an act that she knows he doesn't enjoy (which I suppose is what some people were talking about with the idea of special birthday sex) . She wore the stockings and lace and the pigtails for him. Now, maybe it was performance anxiety, but I'm curious about the fact that in her telling, he didn't even seem to be interested in her at all. It doesn't sound like he made an attempt and couldn't get into it. Honestly, it sounds odd and I wonder if she's being accurate in her portrayal. ("We got a hotel room for the night, I'd told him I basically wanted to sex it up for my birthday, so I dressed up in an outfit with stockings, lace and pigtails (his fetish) and nothing happened. He sat and watched TV and drank for hours until I gave up trying to engage him in taking video or photos or just having sex. When I got dressed he got mad. ")

There's something extra-weird going on there. Who goes to a hotel for special sexytime and then just drinks and watches tv, refuses to be engaged when all his buttons are supposedly being pushed, and then gets mad when the other person--birthday girl or not--decides after hours to give up and get dressed? Something was going on. The birthday was the least of it.

But it's the fact that she said that he doesn't seem at all sexually interested in her any longer and that she is losing her confidence that's really troubling and the sign that this relationship is or should be over. He doesn't respond and he avoids discussions about sex. He's not that into her--or he's no longer that into her. Or he is a manipulative creep who is has moved past the honeymoon.

Missed this SLOTD last week, but just had to chime in: LOVE Dan's use of the verb "to gaslight" someone! Fits perfectly....

Ms Cute - If you accept that she conspired at her sister's suicide, Vanessa Bell could be added to your list.