SL Letter of the Day: Contacting An Asshole Ex

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I can't see any way this contact would go well.

It would be embarrassing for the photo to come to light, but given that it would be a crime to distribute it I would wait until you have some evidence it has been distributed before worrying about it too much. If you do find it online then you should have a clear case for having it removed from sites and added to the child porn database which will help ensure it is removed from most legit sites.

fletc3her on October 13, 2014 at 2:19 PM

If Law & Order SVU is any indication, depending on where LW lives and how old he is, the statute of limitations could have already run out so that, as much as police love making child porn arrests, their hands are tied.

Callie on October 13, 2014 at 2:20 PM

I'd say the child porn angle would be good motivation for the guy to delete them as soon as he realized that he isn't the only one who knew they exist. Isn't creating child porn a jail sentence? I know just having it can be, I'd imagine the laws are even less forgiving of the guy taking the pics. Especially when the subject, even being close to adulthood, is bound and blindfolded.

on October 13, 2014 at 2:25 PM

Good lord, please don't give people legal advice based on television shows.

If he still has the pics, the statute of limitations for possession hasn't expired yet. Source: I'm a lawyer.

mai naim hear on October 13, 2014 at 2:27 PM

If this guy was an asshole at 29 he's probably still an asshole at 36 (or at 40, since I think the letter is from 2010). Get in touch, and he might remember how he won your trust the first time, and try it again. Best to stay off his radar.

(BTW, enjoyed the linked 'Round Up' column, which I'd missed the first time around.)

EricaP on October 13, 2014 at 2:42 PM

I wasn't giving any advice. I was just pointing something out. I didn't suggest the LW to DO or NOT DO anything.

Callie on October 13, 2014 at 2:44 PM

Had asshole and very scary boyfriend at 15. He took nude photos of me over 35 years ago. I keep thinking they'll surface on the internet some day.

on October 13, 2014 at 2:44 PM

I dunno, I feel like someone having naked pictures of you pre-transition has some extra weight compared to having naked pictures of someone as their body "should" be. It's not only the feeling that "ownership" of your body has been violated, but also that the depiction of your body the way it was then is one that actively hurts you (and can be used as blackmail, if you are not out as trans and if you're recognizable). That's some major dysphoria and an amplified potential for harm. Then again, I'm trans, so I'm probably biased.

PsychoLinguist on October 13, 2014 at 2:45 PM

Also, in order to know that the statute of limitations hasn't run out yet, wouldn't you need to know how long it has been? Unless there is no statute of limitations on this sort of thing, in which case you should have just said that.

Callie on October 13, 2014 at 2:46 PM

If it's a small consolation, the most common cell phones back then were clamshells and sliders—while completely capable of taking pictures that can be saved on a home computer, most people that snapped pics on RAZRs never saw them again once the phone was retired.

Dougsf on October 13, 2014 at 2:56 PM

I got pics off a razr and onto a computer a few times. It wasn't easy and the quality was crap, but it can be done.

Having said that, I'd agree that anything that might be done with the LW's pictures probably already has been if it were going to be, and that no good can come of making contact.

Sorry this happened to you, LW.

mr. herriman on October 13, 2014 at 3:04 PM

Sorry @10, I didn't read your comment very carefully. Disregard.

mr. herriman on October 13, 2014 at 3:06 PM

Another option is to actually go ahead and go to the police. This guy has probably done the same if not worse to other kids.

Stinkee on October 13, 2014 at 3:13 PM

@9 I think the point was that, if the ex has the photographs now, he is committing the crime right now and the statute of limitations would start running at the last time he was in possession. Anyway, the federal child protection act made it so that there is no time limitation for most federal sex crimes in which the victim is a minor

pemulis on October 13, 2014 at 3:47 PM

@9 I know you're feeling defensive, but so are lawyers when it comes to casual legal speculation, with good reason (source: I work with lawyers). @4 pointed out that the SOL on Possesion could not have run out IF the guy still has the photos (if he is currently IN POSESSION). So you ask how long it's been? How long is "still?"

efp on October 13, 2014 at 3:54 PM

@4,

It's statue of limitations. Some lawyer you must be!

mikethehammer on October 13, 2014 at 3:55 PM

@16 no it isn't

on October 13, 2014 at 4:06 PM

@13 - I kinda thought that, too. It could get ALL of his pictures taken away from him, including LW's if he still has them. And if LW was under 18, there's a reasonable chance that there are other <18 people with pics there, too. It's possible that it was a one-off thing that he felt ashamed of and never did again. But it could be a pattern.

Kevin_BGFH on October 13, 2014 at 4:07 PM

@16 - You're joking, right?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Statute_of_…

Kevin_BGFH on October 13, 2014 at 4:11 PM

I don't know if you're kidding or not, but it's "statute," #16. A statue is a large sculpture of a person, like you would see in a museum. A statute is a type of law.

BKBroiler on October 13, 2014 at 4:16 PM

man, Tao Lin was a huge jerk, huh?

on October 13, 2014 at 6:44 PM

You guys know that when you're a hammer everything looks like a statue, right?

seatackled on October 13, 2014 at 7:08 PM

Hey Dan. Long time reader/listener. Nothing to do with today's letter, but I have a request to make. I know Nature Box is a sponsor and you have bills to pay, but I am begging you, never say "blueberry nom noms" again. It makes me physically ill. Unless you're actually talking to a baby(or someone with a baby fetish)should an adult talk baby talk.

pappa juliet victor on October 13, 2014 at 7:28 PM

@19 & 20... it's a Seinfeld reference. Kramer & Jerry get in an argument over it. Jerry: "It's not a SCULPTURE of Limitations!"

JohnnyRhythm on October 14, 2014 at 5:45 AM

Don't talk to the asshole, talk to the police.

Eudaemonic on October 14, 2014 at 6:42 AM

@2: "If Law & Order SVU is any indication ..." is one of the funniest and most ridiculous ways I've ever seen a sentence about the law start. I love it. Don't mind #4. Keep on truckin'!

pkbrown on October 14, 2014 at 7:15 AM

Dan: By advising the writer to threaten the A-hole with turning him in, you are advising him to commit the crime of extortion. Bad advice.

Under California law, which likely is not that different than the rest of the USA, even if someone has committed a crime, it is extortion to threaten to turn them in unless they do something for you.

You can ignore him, or you can turn him in, but do not try to squeeze the photos out of him with a threat of prosecution.

on October 14, 2014 at 9:09 AM

I would start with contacting the prosecutor of the friend. There is a decent chance if the original asshole had the pics and had any inclination to share them, the friend with kid porn interests might have had them in his stash.

If the lw can id the pics in the convicted guys stash, he can also much more easily track if they've already been distributed (with the help of law enforcement).

on October 15, 2014 at 10:21 AM

@27: "Dan: By advising the writer to threaten the A-hole with turning him in, you are advising him to commit the crime of extortion. Bad advice."

Asking someone to delete pornography involving a minor for no gain is not as I understand the definition "extortion".

undead ayn rand on October 15, 2014 at 4:42 PM

SL Letter of the Day: Contacting An Asshole Ex

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