Later I thought maybe I was transgender myself. But when I started hanging out in LGBT communities I realized that I didn't belong because my alternate lifestyle was considered hetero.
This makes me wonder, when it comes to gender identity, if there isn't a greater area of grey between male/female.
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Also I don't think being a dominant woman is the same thing as having a different gender identity.
Thanks, LW. I'm probably a bit younger than you, but I have a similar story--I always attributed my desires to being bi, until I was informed by various partners that NO, this was not "normal." I got lucky with my current partner, though, as she's a kinky transwoman (we started dating when she still identified as male) who likes nothing better than for me to fuck her with a strap on (and I like nothing better than to indulge her).
I'm glad she's found a resolution she seems happy with.
What about Gender Queer. She is cis and digs men, but does not identify or comfortably function [socially, sexually or amorously] in "female" ways. Isn't that Gender Queer?
Though someone very much like them is probably going to start identifying as an MTFTMTFTMTFMTMFTMTFTM (pronounced "straight").
And yes, she loves to peg me. It's one of the reasons I married her in the first place! And she's not interested in fucking me with a dildo that *isn't* attached to her pubis, because that means "she's just a girl fucking me with a toy". She wants to fuck me like a boy, instead.
Likewise, I have a strong girly streak in many areas. I like playing up the role when she's pegging me for sure, but just like her, it also extends into many other areas of my life. I have little to no interest in sports, especially things like hockey and football. I do most of the cleaning around the house. I nag her for leaving her socks on the nightstand and the toilet paper off the roll. And I have the lower libido (not catastrophically - she'd just prefer to fuck every day, whereas I can't even manage more than about three times a week).
The term we've always used for this arrangement has been "role reversal". I thought it was a common kink - it certainly does have its following on Fetlife. That, and a few groups like "women who like to fuck men like they're boys" and "pegging party".
Anyway, I'm glad she has found happiness, I'm just scratching my head at some of her thought processes. This is most certainly true. Gender is a spectrum, just like sexuality is.
"Severe"? "Hurt my family"? Look, if transition isn't right for you, that's wonderful, and power to you for knowing that and finding a way to be fulfilled as the person you are, eschewing restrictive labels, etc., etc.. Seriously. But the fact that you make being trans sound kind of like burning your parents' house down for shits and giggles makes me doubtful that you've really given any honest thought or study to the issues. If you're trans, transition is not a severe change that hurts your family. It's just a major change that saves your family all the hurt of watching you be perpetually unfulfilled and/or miserable and/or self-destructive and/or suicidal. Don't pathologize people who do transition.
Shame on you Dan for falling for it, and commenters for indulging it.
*BOOM* that's your mind. Blown. Your welcome.
I have no doubt Dan gets shitloads of all kinds of letters asking all kinds of questions... or no questions at all. It's his column, his choice, he can print what he wants. I don't mind the occasional odd duck one like this. They can't ALL be shit eating fetishists or we'd get bored of shit eaters. And then what kind of life would we have?
You are right this letter is horseshit. What it is is a woman lying about herself to try and fit in where she doesnt belong. This entire letter read like mental gymnastics of a cunt
I'm in a similar boat with the LGBT community. I tack on a Q and round myself up to queer, since I am a female dominant attracted to crossdressers. Technically that makes me hetero, but not the standard flavor. But yes, it's safer just to say one is an ally rather than trying to be in that community. And joining a community of female dominants is like herding cats. The letter writer, if she is at all religious, might find she feels most at home in the pagan community where women like her and relationships like hers are more numerous (including the gender-bendery thing).
1. Heterosexual non conformity
2. Body acceptance/dysmorphia
3. 'Butchness' and 'femmeness' as non gender-specific variations
Even without the specifics of pegging, I suspect there are a vast number of 'non-standard' heterosexual people who lack established pathways to connect.
What this woman needs (and fortunately for her there are plenty) is a nice autogynephiliac. Or maybe nobody mentioned it because it invokes Ray Blanchard, and I know he's not universally accepted (to put it mildly; vilified by some is probably more accurate). Still, it seems to me that as a woman who loves all things male and masculine so much that she gets off on the thought of being a man, what she's looking for are men who are so into all things female they get off on being a female (the old bon-mot: "I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body")
Where is Marrenna? She seems to go for this type and might have some tips.
I am glad Dan reminded everyone that not every pot has a lid...nice this lady found hers.
For me, pegging is an accurate expression of my sexuality. I don't enjoy being penatrated, it just does nothing for me physically or mentally. I have never been sexually abused or anything like that, I've just always been this way.
Although sometimes I fantasize about sex with women, (I always have a dick in my fantasies), I primarily fantasize about men. So it's not a sexual orientation problem either. And if it weren't so hard finding guys who were open to the idea, it wouldn't be a problem at all.
I wonder if we could come up with a better term of identifier for women like this. On fetlife I identify as a Top, but that term doesn't belong exclusively to us.
There is a podcast with the word pegging in the title (can't remember right now) that is super hot.
The double-sided dildo or feeldoe is the way to go. I have never needed a vibrator.
Thanks for sharing!
And likewise, a non-dismissive term for men that keep wishing they could meet women like you.
My family used to explain away my need to dress like a dude as 'oh she grew up with brothers and there were no girls to influence her'. At one point,they thought I may be a lesbian,but other than appreciating boobs on other women(I'd gladly cut mine off), I'm into men. I'm even attracted to gay men,but straight men do almost nothing for me. Sadly, a gay man won't look twice at a woman,so...
Long story short: thank you letter writer for putting into concise words what I could never do. Will I express my 'sexuality' openly? Probably not,but it's good to know I'm not the only 'weird person' out there.
The first time I remember having those feelings about gender was when I was four or so.
It's really amazing and awesome so many people are becoming able to break out of societal strictures and molds to find what really works for them, in their sex lives and normal lives. Let's not bring giant fragments of the broken molds, like one-dimensional definitions of gender, along with us.
(For what it's worth, my favorite hobbies and movies are mostly loved by men, but I like to wear lingerie and get fucked hard and thoroughly, and I'm a submissive. So...yeah. Not a single setting, here, we're complicated.)
Anyway I can empathize with liking pegging and butts, but not so much with wanting a penis. I've thought a lot about how it might feel to have a penis, and I'd try it for a day so I could satisfy my curiosity but I don't think that's what GOT means.
I've never wanted to be male, I've discovered too many benefits to having tits ;) Your letter described my life/adolescence perfectly though; the competitiveness, the self-abhorration.... All excepting the ideal partner who knows about and supports the hard-to-define sexuality. I have a great male partner (of 8 yrs), but our sex isn't great, and I suppose it's probably because I have not inquired of myself enough about what I need sexually or discussed with him how to go about getting it -- as you have clearly done, and well!
THANK YOU for the identifying yourself, and giving me a kick in the ass to do the same. You're awesome, GOT.
Also, might I suggest to LW a new toy that's going on the market: the Ambrosia Vibe by Orgasmatronics. It's a strap-on with an attached bullet vibe for the lady, but the unique thing is, the vibe reacts directly to the amount of pressure/stimulation on the dildo! So a light stroke will result in a small pulse, while steady stroking will give stronger sensations. I pre-ordered one and can't wait to try it out :) I think given the LW's description of her sex life, she'd really enjoy this toy.