UPDATE: ZOPHAR HAS WON, BY POPULAR VOTE!
Okay, Slog, it's time to vote! I know, like Eli Sanders reports, Washington State just had the worst voter turnout in a midterm election since the 1970s, but THIS VOTE IS IMPORTANT! Whoever gets the most votes, by 1 pm tomorrow, Thursday, November 13, wins a free tattoo removal from Seattle Skin and Laser—a fresh start, and a nice new clean slate (of skin).
So here we go! Here are your 2014 Worst Tattoo contestants:
"Hello, my name is Bre and I have a horrendous, unintentionally sexual tattoo on my left calf that I absolutely hate. His nickname is 'Zophar.' I can't wear shorts or a skirt without someone commenting on it, wanting to know 'what it means.' Humiliating. It may be slightly larger than your requirements, but I think it's worth your consideration."
- 1. Zophar
James: "This was done when I was a dumb teenager. Street tattoo with needle, string, Indian ink. It's a curse."
- 2. Fuzzy Fuzzy Scorpion
Nicole: "This is my husband's tattoo, I'm entering on his behalf, with his approval. This tattoo was done in Nicaragua with a tattoo gun made out of a guitar string and the parts from a CD player. It is his mother. Um, needless to say, his mother is not a creepy drag queen! Thanks for considering!"
- 3. Creepy Drag Queen Mother
Keep reading to see them all, then cast your vote. Maybe slighty NSFW.
Danielle: "I got this when I was 16 years old in Arizona. My older cousin was getting a tattoo, so my mother gave me $60 and told me if the tattoo shop accepted my fake ID (which was my older sister's real ID) that I could get a tattoo. First mistake... Well, the tattoo shop did accept the ID, which indicated I was 20 years old. I had no idea what I wanted, so I started looking through the books and stopped at the Chinese symbols. The one I decided on was cute and meant something I could get behind: 'Life.' This was before the term 'tramp stamp' existed. Fast-forward six years to when I was in college. I worked with someone who was studying Japanese. He saw my back and told me my tattoo meant 'drink.' I explicitly told him no, no... I knew what it meant and it was 'life.' I assured him he was wrong. Fast-forward just a couple of months... I was in chemistry class and my Japanese professor saw my tattoo. He blurted out, 'What-the, what?! Why do you have "drink" tattooed on your back?!' That did it. It was confirmed. All these years (I'm 31 now), I've been walking around with 'drink' tattooed on my back and I hate it. Parents: Do not let your children get tattoos—they are not yet ready to make decisions like that. People: Do not get foreign languages tattooed on your body unless you get confirmation from someone who speaks that language."
- 4. Drink!
Christopher: "I didn't know what a tramp stamp was—until immediately after this tattoo was finished. The artist told me. I'm a middle-aged man. Please let me die."
- 5. Please Let Me Die
Brittany: "I got this tattoo when I was 16 in my boyfriend's basement. He had purchased a tattoo machine at a garage sale. (Don't worry, we used a fresh needle!) I thought it would be cool to be the first one of my friends to get a tattoo. I wanted to get an apple to signify being from Washington State, but the tattoo turned out awful. It's crooked, poorly done, and downright ugly. It even has a tiny scar from where a nicked myself shaving. It's only about the size of a quarter. Best of all, it's on my bikini area because I wanted to get it in a place my parents wouldn't be able to see. I'm totally embarrassed every time I have sex with a new partner and they have to look at this monstrosity! HELP!"
- 6. Washington Apple
Beau: "The Charlie Sheen. 'Winning' Yep. Nope."
- 7. The Charlie Sheen
Richie: "It's ACTUALLY this blurry on my arm."
- 8. Super Blurry Taz!
Kevin: "Greetings! I got this chest piece at a place formerly in Port Angeles, Washington, appropriately titled 'Suck Ink.' The intern was digging way too deep with the needle and it healed terribly, so the colors is faded and blotchy with scar tissue underneath. The symbol was supposed to be a Reiki symbol for 'perfect love & trust.' Since I've had it, I refuse to go shirtless."
- 9. Suck Ink!
Sevana: "This is my second time entering this contest with the same shitty tattoo. Although infinity signs are really in right now, rest assured that this beauty is old enough to drink. Try wearing a cute pair of kitten heels and pedal pushers to the office with this disaster on display. I'm sure I was listening to Christian Death or Sisters of Mercy and writing terrible poetry when I 'designed' this mistake. Please help. For the love of God... and kitten heels."
- 10. Infinity Sign That's Old Enough to Drink
Nicole: "Oh, I want this gone! My black lotus. It was a cover-up on my wrist but it's so big and dark and poorly positioned. Time for a fresh start."
- 11. Black Lotus
Tristan: "Hey y'all. So here are my drunken punk stick 'n' poke stick-figures. Please help me remove them. The tattoo is on my forearm."
- 12. Drunken Punk Stick 'N' Poke People
Kimberly: "Obama! I got this the year he was first elected because I lost a bet. The decision about Syria anyone?"
- 13. Ass Obama!
Trish: "Oh, please, please help my son! This tattoo looks like it was done at a blind academy—worst I've ever seen..."
- 14. Hick Life