I hope you will take the time to read this. I have some suggestions that I doubt you will take seriously, along with some very important questions and comments:
1. I thought of a term that you might popularize: "Vanilla Cupcake," to describe an especially sweet and mushy version of vanilla sex, where the couple looks into each other's eyes, and they say things like "I love you" and "you are so beautiful."
2. On to my main question: when and how can you tell a guy that his dick is too small, and you want to use some kind of dildo to help? I just recently started seeing this guy, and as it turns out, I really like everything else about him, the rest of the sex is amazing, and I think he is a wonderful person and I don't want to hurt his feelers by insulting his manhood. It seems too soon to do it after just a couple of weeks, but if I wait too long, I will feel weird for being dishonest. What do you think? And is there a way to say this tactfully?
He must know that he has a small dick, right? Maybe you could advise all the men out there that are not well-endowed to ask their partners if they would want to use something extra. It would sound better coming from you than the lady (or gentleman) that they're fucking.
An aside: I have nothing against small penises, and actually enjoy giving blow jobs more than ever before! And I am considering having anal sex!
The rest of this nice girl's numbered questions—and my numbered answers—after the jump....
3. Have you and Terry thought about making porn for the public? I suppose you don't need the money, but maybe you could do it for charity, or to raise money for a political cause. I can honestly say, speaking for straight women and gay men everywhere, that it would be super hot and people would pay good money for it. You might think of it as a public service of sorts. You could make an instructional video on how to give a good blow job. I imagine you would be better at it than most people, and I would like to see your technique. And Terry's face while he's coming. What a handsome husband you have. Maybe you could put it in Hump, so you don't have to be a porn star forever.
4. A question about ass-play: I think my partner might want it, and I am a little skeeved out by the idea of licking his asshole. It is a total double standard, because I love when he licks mine. How do I get past this?
5. Another thing: I think you might be responsible for the rise of kink in recent years, perhaps even more so than Fifty Shades of Grey. You always say that there are two types of kinky people—those who are born kinky, and those who realize their kinks with a kinky partner. But I think there are quite a few of us who got turned onto kink by listening to you and your readers & callers. How can anyone listen to your podcast without getting a little kink-curious? I'm not saying that people are turning into adult babies because of your show, but I am sure people have the experience of getting aroused during your show, and then giving something a try that they might not have realized they were into.
Long ago, before I had ever heard of you, I had a really kinky partner and I was sort of GGG, in a reluctant way, but I really hated all of his kinks and they were one of the main causes of the end of the relationship. With my new sex partners, partners I have acquired since becoming a Savage Lovecast listener, I am much more open to exploring things, and I have a much clearer idea of which kinks turn me on and which kinks squick me out. So, thanks!
6. And lastly, perhaps a bit of a more serious philosophical/psychological question: Why do you think that in hetero couples who practice BDSM, it is usually the woman who is submissive and the man who is Dominant? Why do you think women tend towards being subs, and why it is so enjoyable? I struggled a little with it at first, and read some feminist rants against BDSM, but I came to the conclusion that the pussy wants what it wants. I think it is really important to think about these things but I am not going to police my sexuality. I think you gave some pretty good advice once, when you said that someone who is dominant in the bedroom should be super nice in day-to-day life—in my mind, that is the only way to draw the line between pleasure and abuse.
Thanks for all that you do! You're amazing!
Nice Girl In The City
1. Not bad. I'll see what I can do.
2. It's a difficult conversation to have, NGITV, and referring to this guy's cock—referring to any guy's cock—as his "manhood" doesn't make it any easier. That's an unhelpful conflation. Smaller dicks have their advantages, as your enjoyment of oral sex and consideration of anal sex make clear, but that kind of "manhood = cock" shit makes it harder for guys with small dicks to love them and love themselves.
I've long urged guys to to accept their dicks regardless of size because 1. stressing out about it doesn't change anything, 2. guys with small dicks can be great lovers, and 3. small guys have options that big guys don't. For example: there are toys out there that can turn small and/or average dicks into big ones (for those moments when you want to really fill someone up) but as of this writing there's no turning a big dick into a small one (for that special girl who'll only do anal for smaller dicks).
Anyway, NGITC, instead of directly addressing the size issue—I don't think you have the ability to do talk about his dick tactfully and or non-ego-shreddingly—make it about toys. Get him to a sex toy shop, look over the butt plugs, the vibrating eggs, and the cock sheaths, gauge his interest, and make a few purchases.
3. That's not going to happen. And I think you're overestimating the demand for gay porn featuring middle-aged male advice columnists. And while you might like to see Terry do hardcore porn—and you might not be the only one—he isn't interested doing hardcore porn. So you'll just have to settle for the softcore porn my formerly camera-shy husband regularly posts to his Instagram account.
4. In the shower.
5. In my column this week I reassure angry/freaked readers that "vanilla people" don't adopt kinks—like sticking clean, sterile needles directly into their clits—after hearing about them. I carefully qualified "vanilla people" with "otherwise" because sometimes a person hears about a kink and goes, "Oh, yes... that's for me." But in that case the kink was already in there somewhere; it was buried in that person's erotic imagination, waiting to be activated, like a dormant gene that had yet to be switched on. I didn't turn that person on to kink—I turned that person's kinks on. To some that may be a distinction without a difference but I think it's a distinction with some distinctness.
6. I didn't tell people who are super dominant in the bedroom to be supernice outside of the bedroom. I said that in my experience people who were dominant and/or sadistic-but-sane in the bedroom tended to be super nice outside of the bedroom. It seems to be a subconscious/self-conscious form of overcompensation: troubled that some see sexual desires as proof that they're "bad people," the sadists that I have known and loved went out of their way to demonstrate that they were good and loving people in every other area of their lives. They're nice to orphans, they help little old ladies cross the street, they flog their lovers until they cry—that sort of thing.
But the conflict you note—people who are strong in every day life but enjoy being submissive in the sack—is so common in BDSM circles as to be a cliche. (The feminist activist who wants to be tied to the bed and called a slut, the type A personality male CEO who wants to be spanked and called a worm, etc.) As for why straight women into BDSM are likelier to be subs and straight men into BDSM are likelier to be Doms, well, I'll let the kinksters who regularly comment on the SLLOTD tackle that one. But I'll leave you with this: a graphic package that walks people through the difference between BDSM and abuse.