I'm a 31 year old hetero male and I've been with my wife for about 9 years, married for 4. We recently made a mutually driven decision to become poly and have been growing into this for about two months. So far so good.
In my younger years I had an easy time getting attention from girls and so I was blindsided to learn that it's not quite so easy nowadays. In fact it's nearly impossible. That's only part of the problem though. The main issue I think is the disparity between my wife's experience with this new frontier and mine. She has hundreds of men lined up to take her out on dates and is gone most nights of the week. She has a few consistent guys and then is still meeting new dudes. I am happy for her and love that she's having a good time, but I am bored and lonely at home and have no idea how to meet like-minded, young, attractive women.
This disparity has me in kind of a slump and I feel like shit about myself, my ability to attract women and my overall self-confidence.
What Should I Do?
P.S. Here is the link to my OKCupid profile....
My response to WSID—and his response to mine, and mine to his—after the jump...
Hey, WSID: I might run your letter as the SLLOTD today. Do you want me to include the link to your OKCupid profile if I do? Please let me know.
P.S. Your profile is great, you're totally hot. I would date you, married and all, if I had a vagina.
Whoa! I didn't actually expect a reply! I don't know, man, what do you think? It's probably ok to include my profile. There's no personally identifiable information on there aside from just my pictures. I think it's probably okay to have it in there so long as you don't think it's too cheesy or lame. Thanks for the reply, you've got my Friday off to a good start!
P.S. Well, hell, if I get drunk enough I probably won't even notice! I actually tried kissing a guy for the first time recently. It wasn't bad but it didn't really do anything for me.
I wasn't hitting on you, WSID. I was just letting you know that, in this fag's opinion, you're a very attractive guy. So put the vodka bottle back in the cabinet. (Also, too: I don't sleep with people who are too drunk to notice that they're sleeping with me. That feels a little bit rapey. And like the song goes: If it feels a little bit rapey, don't do it.) On to your problem...
Seems to me that your wife is being inconsiderate. If she's running around and leaving you home alone every night—if she's got so many guys on deck that she has no time for you—that's going to damage your marriage. The poly and/or openness thing will only work if it's something you two are doing and enjoying together. (Defining "work" here as "strengthen, not weaken, your marriage.") If she's enjoying your this openness and you're miserable… it's not go work. And then what?
Have you talked about swinging instead? Being out there as a couple available to other couples?
It's generally much harder for married men to attract interested single women than it is for married women to attract interested single men. Your wife can help you better your odds; it's in her own best interests to help you better your odds. If she isn't willing to do that—if she sees it an imposition or prefers to fly solo—then you're going sit at home alone growing more and more resentful. That won't be good for your marriage.
Also, it's only been two months. And you don't have to sit at home alone when your wife is out. Leaving the house is an option. A woman who would never respond to a hypothetical married guy's ad on OKCupid might feel differently about the actual married guy she just met.
I think I agree on some level. Part of our impetus for giving this a shot is that I had a pretty damn good time as a younger guy and got to have a lot of sex with cool people, and she didn't—we got together when she was 19 and I was the second guy she'd been with so she really missed out on that life experience. If there's one golden rule for my marriage it's that I live to support and encourage my wife and serve her to make her life as awesome as possible, so of course I would support her in this. I don't want in any way to hinder that, I love that she's having a great time, but that doesn't change the fact that I am still lonely.
We actually did meet this one couple and the girl was super cute and the guy was good looking (that's the dude I kissed) and so we all met for drinks on a Friday. That Sunday, we invited them over and we swapped and it was great. Then I went to their place and had a threesome, which I thought went well, but later found out it was "too many cocks in the kitchen" for them. (Like that? I made it up.) I didn't hear from them after that but my wife got invited over for a threesome—twice. I kind of got left behind.
I think the whole experience just has me feeling like my wife is super in-demand and I am kind of just on the sidelines, unwanted. To be fair she's a 10. I don't blame anybody for just wanting her and not wanting me in the picture, but still it's really getting me down.
Anyway, I really appreciate your heartfelt responses, that's extremely considerate of you. If you think this would make a good posted letter please feel free though I would ask that not too much blame be assigned to my wife. She's simply enjoying the gift that we chose to give each other.
I'm not assigning blame to your wife. But I've seen this same thing play out a thousand times: an opposite-sex couple opens up their marriage, it's much easier for the wife to find outside partners (because men are easier) and she has a kid-in-the-candy-shop moment. The husband, much less in demand (even if they're both babes (and you're a babe)), sits at home feeling hurt and neglected. I don't think the wife is being malicious necessarily. I don't think your wife is being a jerk intentionally. She's just being inconsiderate.
That's a loaded term, I realize, usually used to indicate a conscious disregard for a partner's feelings. But I don't mean it like that. Your wife may not be aware of her advantage re: openness and she may not be taking your feelings into account—innocently, not maliciously. And she needs to take your feelings into consideration if she likes this openness stuff, which she seems to, because if you feel left behind and lonely that could result in your wanting to close things again. (That stuff in your first letter about sitting home alone while your wife is off on her adventures? She doesn't feel a twinge when she's rushing out the door and leaving you alone?)
Some couples solve this by only playing together—a.k.a. package deals. Some men in your position try correct for this problem, their particular disadvantage, by not revealing that they're marred and in open relationship until after they've gone on a date or two with a woman they met via OKCupid. A person who wouldn't date a hypothetical married man in an open relationship may feel differently after they've gotten to know a particular married man. It's a little manipulative but I don't think it rises to the level of dishonest assholery—not if the disclose comes soon after meeting and definitely before sex.
P.S. I'm definitely going to post our exchange as the SLLOTD. Let me know if you don't want your profile included. Otherwise... I'll post away.
Okay. That makes sense. I think you're right. Sorry—this is all new to me. I kind of walked into it thinking I knew what I was doing and I immediately slapped in the face by how much I didn't know. Thanks for the advice. And I don't mind my profile being in there.
Your new fan,
And your wife is cool with your profile being posted with your letter too? She's okay with the link to your OKCupid profile being in here? If you come out as poly in a public way, WSID, you're essentially outing her too. Just heads up. Putting the post together now.
Hmmm... I guess you're right. I haven't checked with her. We should probably leave off the profile, huh? I had hoped that maybe some nice lady would see it and message me—ha ha! That's dumb anyway, I suppose. She doesn't know I've reached out to you. So, yeah, I suppose let's leave off the profile.