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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
If you think that's bad, check out these depraved swingers.
Wait, wearing a condom when having sex with a total stranger is hysteria now?
I do though. You’re probably referring to me @66.
There’s a discussion going on about risk assessment. Some of us look at STIs we know about and base our risk assessment on those. Uncreative points out that there may be fatal STIs we don’t know about or that don’t exist yet with risk groups and patterns of transmission unrelated to any of the ones that currently exist that we do know about, so that performing a risk assessment based on only known STIs places us at risk of another AIDS epidemic.
seandr thinks that worrying about fatal STIs that are not known to exist at all is distinctly secondary to worrying about all the STIs that we do know about, and that if his risk assessment is that it’s worth risking known/existing STIs then he'll go ahead and risk the unknown/nonexistent fatal ones as well. Since modes of transmission of unknown/nonexistent fatal STIs are by definition unknown/nonexistent, he thinks that taking them into account when deciding whether or not to use a condom is hysteria.
My own risk assessment is more that there’s no reason to think that the next new fatal disease is going to be an STI and that unknown/nonexistent fatal STIs probably follow patterns similar enough to known/existent STIs that the same risk assessments are probably good enough for both, and that given that nobody’s obviously dying yet any existent-but-unknown fatal STIs seem to have a long incubation period and I’m in late middle age and have no kids.
I'll just add that for various reasons, it's been all condoms all year for me and the wife. Condoms certainly have their place, and I've never had a problem with using them once in a while. As a long term/permanent solution, however, they've basically reduced PIV sex to something of a disappointment compared to just about any other option, including a hand job. I have a highly sensitive dick with a great appreciation for nuances that are completely lost upon crossing a latex barrier. Probably time for me to revisit getting a vasectomy.
"I will rawdog a rando who rawdogs randos" is a strategy that has not historically worked out well. The fact that it hasn't killed everyone who does it doesn't make it a good idea. Drunk driving doesn't always kill people, either, but it's still a bad way to keep having a car.
Saying "I know her and she seems safe" is a terrible heuristic when almost the only thing you actually know about her is that she'll have unprotected sex with a stranger.
> the massive misuse of antibiotics bothers me a
> whole lot more
AMEN.
@EricaP @93: Amen again. Not only is there fun to be had all-round, taking some of the focus off also takes some of the pressure off. Better time for everyone.
I think condoms with new partners is really the only way to go, at least until some level of trust/testing has been undergone and established. I also hate condoms. I agree with seandr @109 that I'd rather do almost anything else. Good thing I haven't had a new partner in a while...
And I think vasectomies are a great idea. For one thing, it saves the woman the various problems (including loss of libido and increased moodiness) associated with (many types of) birth control.
They are, but they also have risks. A close friend of mine got snipped and went through a year of pain that was finally resolved by reversal surgery. Apparently, I'm happy to risk my life for the sake of fun (I've got heli-boarding trips planned this winter), but I am quite reluctant to risk my balls.
seandr’s hysteria comment @86 was in response to uncreative @73 on the necessity of protecting oneself against nonexistent diseases. Not to @57//@61/@62, which are not in the least hysterical.
The vast majority of men and their partners absolutely adore their vasectomies.
A few don’t.
Bother. Reality is so problematic.
If I were the LW, I would try to frame the situation in my head this way: "It's OK that this happened. I wasn't just being polite and submissive because I didn't know what else to do. I was, instead, giving him the benefit of the doubt. And now I know that he's not worth the benefit of the doubt anymore."
I think this interpretation is supported by several parts of LW's experience. From my reading of this, at first she was like "Well, maybe he just hasn't thought about what I like." Then she was like, "Well, maybe he's just watched too much Internet porn, but he's still salvageable." Then she was like, "Well, maybe he just isn't good at gauging appropriateness of comments when he's aroused." Then she was like, "OK, maybe he didn't hear me when I told him to stop." And then finally she was like, "Oh, Jesus, this guy seriously is just terrible."
While this ultimately comes from women being socialized to be polite and submissive, I think framing it to yourself as "No, I chose to keep giving him a chance, and he failed every single one, which is why I can feel great about not giving him a chance anymore," helps reclaim agency. It makes you feel less like a victim of society and more like someone who just embarked on a fact-finding mission (which, honestly, I think first-time sex with someone always is), and, having investigated the matter thoroughly, has reached a very conclusive decision. And it helps keep you open for the next guy -- even if he's terrible too, that's not a failure of humanity, it's another data point for your reintroduction to dating.
Good luck to the LW!
? Whether they’re monogamous or not, she knows she won’t become pregnant which is the most important part for her.
If he steps out with fertile women, well — it’s still a gift because he doesn’t have to worry about birth control with his her even if he worries about it with other partners. Just a somewhat smaller gift.
I’ve only heard raves about the Mirena IUD. Maybe it has risks and drawbacks like a vasectomy but if I understand correctly it suppresses menstruation!
For me, not using condoms the first time with a new partner is a deal-breaker, and a sign of poor judgment. Condoms are a slight inconvenience, and don't even compare to the inconvenience of a mild STI. They have the bonus of making me last longer.
I also agree with the people who say that different women want different kinds of sexual contact. I'm willing to round profoundly bad communication up to asshole for the guy in this letter, but she also gets some of the blame.
Bad dates can be caused entirely by one person. It takes two people to have bad sex, and bad sex is mostly sex with bad communications. They both sucked at the communications.
Yes, to the previous commenters who said that if the kissing is bad, you probably shouldn't try to have sex; I probably wouldn't stick around. They probably should have had something less than full on PiV until they had done some other sexual contact well first... at the very least, when new things aren't going well you can pivot back to something that worked before. Something I haven't seen anybody else say: early sex is usually awkward unless 1) somebody is so infatuated they forget the awkward and round all the fumbles up to good sex 2) people talked like crazy and made it very clear what each other wanted. I'm willing to bet the guy wouldn't rank sex with her very highly either.
Let’s say you have two excellent dancers. Each has won awards in competitive tango. You put them together and they should be fabulous,
What if they’re both leads? Or both follows? More frustration than fabulousness. Sometimes sex is like that. It’s possible to be a bad match without being bad. It’s pretty clear that in this case they were both leads and at least one was a *bad* lead. They were clearly both pissed off by the experience.
Experience helps enormously. You develop your repertoire, work on your weaknesses, learn to switch and become comfortable with direct verbal communication. That way when someone cues you, you’re able to respond gracefully. You’re also able to supply cues that your partner will respond to easily. Not only that, you can manage it on the first date.
In this case the LW’s bad date did not seem to be aware that he needed to respond to any cues at all, no matter how direct or reasonable. (Interesting. We’ve had other complaints about ignoring cues in the past year, also attributing the problem to porn.)
But unlike a dunderhead, when she spoke up, he did his best to let her know that he didn't care what she though or wanted, repeatedly
Speaking up is a pretty direct cue, wouldn’t you say?
Maybe trying female condoms would be another option.
http://www.cervicalbarriers.org/
I wish we had it in us to stop in the middle, maybe that would teach these guys a lesson.
:(
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