I've been dating the same person for seven-ish years, our families expect us to get married (I want to buy a house first), and she and I love each other. I'm tired of the relationship and I need a way out of this rut. Desperately. Over the past seven years, our relationship (once fun and open) has become pretty monogamous (her choice, not mine), and our sex life has died down. I also end up doing a lot of the housework and income-earning. (She's still a student—that's okay, right?) And we don't even keep the same schedule. I need to be up most mornings to make the commute for my nine-to-five job, and I like to get a full nine hours but normally end up getting six or less. I try bringing things up, but it just gets fights started, and she yells and accuses me of yelling and I don't think I yell because I don't actually get loud and then she says it's a tonal thing and this tonal thing is the equivalent of yelling. This is what our fights always end up being about: how I yelled and it how that made her feel uncomfortable. That said, I probably have a lot of downfalls that I'm probably failing to recognize, but I never bring up the financial thing because that would be rude.

Ideally I'd like some sleep and more opportunity to get sexual.

Suck At Witty Names

My response after the jump...


Yes, it's okay that she's still a student—and the fact that she's still a student, and thus dependent on you financially, is probably why she starts in with the tone policing whenever you bring up your unhappiness, sex, openness, housework, etc. She no doubt senses that you're unhappy and that you want out, SAWN, and she may want out as well. But she's not in a position to get out right now and won't be in one until she finishes her schooling. So the conversation you keep trying to initiate—which could quickly escalate to a breakup convo—is a perilous one for her. So she short-circuits those potentially risky conversations by pivoting to an argument about your tone. Talking about how you said something is much safer ground for her right now than talking about what you said. (And who knows? Maybe your tone is a problem, too.)

So here are your options as I see them, SAWN: (1) You break up with her now because you want out ("of this rut"), and she'll have to figure out how to stay in school without you there to pay the bills and do the laundry. (2) You break up with her, but you agree to keep living together and to keep supporting her for a reasonable amount of time—one semester? Two?—so she can figure out how she can stay in school, e.g., move back in with the parents, take out a loan, go halftime and get a job. (3) You keep your mouth shut and reconcile yourself to the status quo and then initiate a conversation about what you're doing—a convo about the future—immediately after she graduates.

You're karmically obligated to go with either option number 2 or option number 3 if your girlfriend supported you while you were in school. If not, SAWN, you're free to pick from any of the above options.