I am an older straight woman married to a man is younger than me, by about 12 years. We've been together eight years, married for one. He is handsome, friendly and charming. He tells me over and over that he loves me, I'm the only one for him, he thinks I'm sexy—all the things I do love to hear. He is good to me and because of his good job I don't have to work full time.

My problem has to do with trust. We agreed our relationship is monogamous and what that means is no interaction of a sexual nature with anyone else—including cams, or chats, or texting. Look at photos on Cragislist all you want, and indulge that porn addiction you acquired as a lonely single guy—I don't care, but keep it out of the real world. As a lover, he knows I am GGG and we have a lot of fun with sex, just the two of us. My husband expresses a very bad opinion of anyone who cheats, swears he never would and has told me one of the problems in his former marriage was that the ex accused him of cheating often and he insists was not doing that.

On my side of things is something I am ashamed to admit: I snoop. In fact I can get so anxious I am almost obsessed. I pay our phone bill so I can see all the numbers called or texted, and I know the passwords to all the e mail accounts he has I know about. I look at his cell when I can. Just typing this out reminds me how crazy I am being.

The rest of the letter—and my response—after the jump...

I know it is wrong. But isn't it just as wrong to send a long text full of descriptions of desired sexual activities to another woman, one he has always said was nothing more than a friend? When I found that text I couldn't believe it, I wanted to throw up. So I confronted him and naturally the issue became my snooping. We resolved it—he would not contact her again, and I would not snoop anymore. That was a year and half ago. Since then I have asked a few times about whether he was in contact with her, or saw her when he is in her part of town. He always says no, and in fact has gotten mad because I haven't dropped it after so long.

I, asshole that I am, continued to snoop.

The other day I looked at what windows he had open on his phone and one was the contacts list, open to the page this woman's number is on. It dawned on me that he must have called her from work, where I wouldn't see the number on the bill. Yesterday, there was a long-distance call on our bill, a longer one to a number I didn't recognize, and when I looked it up, it is this woman's mother, who was friendly with my husband as well. I looked at his phone again this afternoon and the contacts page was open to her page again. He was at the place he can make phone calls from so I assume it was another day for him to have a nice chat with her.

Dan, I think this is cheating. But aren't I doing the same thing in a way? I feel so crazy about this, I know if I ask him about this he will be very angry. It might well be the deal breaker, which I am sure neither of us wants. I wish I could just let go of this and let him have his secret phone convos but I am afraid that they will lead to something more. And it creates resentment in my head, which is the enemy of intimacy.

So do you have some advice for me, beyond just "don't snoop"?. I already know that, I'm just having a hard time implementing that plan. Is he being a dick or should I just let him have his secret? And if he's a dick, then what?

Anxious In Andersonville

A disclaimer: I'm sick and in bed and strung out on DayQuil and painkillers right now and probably shouldn't be reading my mail or operating an advice column. So... grain of salt, okay?

I don't know what to tell you, AIA. Your husband is obviously lying to you about having cut off all contact with this other woman—the ongoing phone calls to her and her mother (?) are proof of that—and that text filled with descriptions of "desired sexual activities" is proof that he's either attracted to her and/or enjoys exchanging flirtatious messages with her for shits and giggles. Most likely he's attracted to her. But the phone calls and that single dirty text aren't proof that he's fucking her or that he's ever fucked her or that he ever intends to fuck her. The charitable interpretation: Your husband wants to fuck this woman—and this woman wants to fuck him—but he takes his vows seriously and he has no intention of fucking this woman yet he can't quit chatting with her because those chats give him a thrill. Not sure what the chats with mom are about. A little more charity: Knowing that you're insecure about this—and a snoop—he keeps his flirty chats on the down low, i.e. only at work, not on a phone that you're able to monitor, to spare you the mental torment of seeing her phone number on your cell phone bill.

But, really, AIA...

You're policing your husband for evidence of what you should just assume to be true: He's attracted to other women, maybe this woman, and he enjoys interacting with women he finds attractive. Hopefully these
interactions aren't sexual, just flirtatious, and your husband will never, ever touch anyone else with the tip of his penis ever again. I assume you're attracted to other men, AIA, and you most likely enjoy the occasional flirty-but-innocent interaction with a barista or a personal trainer or a waiter yourself, right? And presumably your husband trusts you not to let these other men touch you with the tips of their penises despite the fact that you find other guys attractive and interactions with hot guys somewhat titillating.

Frankly, AIA, I think you should let your husband have his secret (you must have one or two of your own, right?), let him have his secret friend (and her mother (?)), and let him enjoy those secret convos. He's not neglecting you (you have a good sex life), he's not using you (he has a good job that frees up your time for snooping), and he takes a dim view of cheating (which could just be a good offense) and an equally dim view of baseless accusations of infidelity (which contributed to the end of his last marriage). So long as things are good at home, so long as your husband isn't giving you cause to worry about actual infidelity, why torment yourself by rounding chatting up to cheating? Why not round chatting down to harmless flirtation?

You've got it pretty good, AIA, and you would be well advised to give your husband, yourself, and your marriage the benefit of the doubt. And I'm advising you to do just that.

UPDATE: This letter arrived as I was working on my response to you, AIA:

I have a real problem in my marriage right now. My wife is really contemplating divorce. What happened is that she found (I accidentally left my email account open) an email from three years ago I wrote to some girl I don't even remember well. The email basically said that I was glad that I met a pretty and good person like her and that I hoped we meet again. It looks really bad, and I understand her feelings, because I would feel the same way if the parts were reversed. I haven't been sexual with other women since we married, but I do like to flirt. It may sound ridiculous but it makes me feel good to be desired by other women, even if nothing happens after. My wife is hearing none of it, and says that she can never trust me again, and that I'm no better than every other cheating man. She wants the relationship to end, and I am terrified. I love her, my kids and our family too much. What can I do? Help me save my marriage please!

Married With Children

I'm not sure what MWC can do to save his marriage—his wife sounds like a crazy person—but clearly your husband isn't the only married guy out there, AIA, who enjoys flirting (and only flirting) with other women.