I'm 40, happily married for 10 years, with the wife for 20 years. We have a good marriage, we're great friends, we have two kids, a good life. But my wife refuses to give me head. Flat-out says no. Won't do it. We have talked about it, and she says she doesn't want to and nothing I can say will ever convince her. I have tried denying her oral sex, I have tried not asking, I have tried begging. Nothing works.
I don't know what to do. Everything else is fine. I don't want an affair. It scares the hell out of me. I worry about sexual infections and I'm not sure I can just go see a sex worker. I need it to be done by a person I can get to know. But who would want to blow me regularly with no attachments or commitments?
Do you think my wife has given up the right to be mad at me for even considering this? By denying me oral, is she forcing my hand, or am I being selfish? Should I just suck it up? For lack of a better term?
Pent Up
My response... and a few other letters... after the jump.
Here's an idea: Ask the wife if you could get a blowjob elsewhere. She might find the prospect of you getting head from a sex worker (who'll be a drain on your family finances) or some gay dude on Craigslist (who'll do it for free while you watch straight porn on your iPhone) less daunting than the prospect of another spin through the deny/ask/beg cycle. Toss it out in the middle of your next asking/begging argument, and if she reacts badly—"What! Are you serious?!?"—you can tell her you weren't serious. At this stage, there's a good chance she'll say, "I wish you would!" And if that's the case, then... Yahtzee for you.
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. When we started dating, we were both really happy that it seemed that our sex drives were both equally high. However, over the last several months, my BF's libido has dropped. He blames stress, anxiety, and falling off the wagon after nearly a year of sobriety. This is all understandable, but during our last conversation about our sex life, he said he was tired of being the aggressor all of the time and that was another reason things had changed. This totally surprised me, since I feel like I'm the one who always initiates sex!
Typically what happens is that we will be in bed or cuddling on the couch, he'll ask me to massage his balls since he says it relaxes him, and I comply. I usually move on to a blow job to try to get him hard. If I'm lucky, after 20 minutes or so, he'll be in the mood to fuck. Rarely, like one out of every 30 times, he'll go down on me or touch my clit or do something else to get me ready to go before he just starts to fuck me, but most of the time, I just have to be glad I'm getting any at all. The boyfriend says that because he is asking for the ball massage, he's initiating. I say that since I'm doing all of the work to get him horny, I'm doing the initiating. Who is right?
Who Gets The Credit?
P.S. Without ball massages that lead to sex, we would probably fuck about once a month. With ball massages, it's about twice a week.
Your boyfriend is doing the initiating, WGTC, but I'm ruling for him on a technicality.
Since he knows you're gonna blow him when he asks for a ball massage, and since he knows you two will have sex if the blowjob gets him hard, his requests for ball massages qualify as initiating. Barely. It's hard to imagine a scenario where the "initiator" is lazier. But while he's doing the initiating, WGTC, you're doing all the work—and the sex he's so proud of initiating (no oral for you, no foreplay, an untouched clit) sounds fucking lousy. The solution is for you to start initiating sex—with someone else.
I have a question about AIDS. I promise, although it sounds like I've lost my mind, I'm asking seriously. My barber has a new thing where he takes a brush and vigorously brushes out the hair clippings from the scalp after the haircut is done. By vigorously, I mean something between scrubbing rust out of the bottom of a pan and taking a belt sander to my head. Could such a vigorous scrubbing from a hairbrush that had similarly been applied to someone else's scalp transfer blood and/or viruses? I can't think of a clever acronym. So just sign me...
Anonymous
Vigorous brushing probably doesn't present a risk for HIV transmission, A, but it sure as fuck sounds unpleasant. On that basis alone—unpleasant—you should be able to ask your barber to knock it off. Use your words: "That new thing you've been doing lately—the vigorous brushing? Please don't do that new thing, not to me, anyway. Thanks."
My boyfriend and I live together and have been dating for three years. Although we have a very loving, sensual relationship, we both struggle with communication. Recently, I have gotten the feeling that he is crushing on a female friend of his—someone who he socializes with frequently. I don't think he is cheating on me (at least not physically) and I understand that it is human nature to find others attractive, even when one is in a committed relationship. My problem is that when I give him an opportunity to be open about how he feels, he doesn't seem to want to talk about it, which makes me worried that his feelings for this chick are more serious than I perceive. I wish he could be honest with me so I feel less threatened by this whole situation. What is the best way to approach this without sounding too paranoid? Should I just wait it out, understanding crushes don't last forever, even if it's bugging me? Should I stop bitching about it if he is coming home and snuggling me every night? Or should I pester him to open the fuck up about it?
Annoyed By Crush
Rare is the GF who can hear a BF say, "Yeah, I totally have a crush on this other girl with whom I socialize frequently—she's totes amazing!" without having an epic meltdown, ABC. (Rare is the BF who can hear his GF say the same, rare is the GF who can hear her GF say the same. BFs who can hear their BFs say the same are less rare, but they're far from unheard-of.) Which is why, when a person with a BF/GF/SOPATGSF* has a crush on someone else, keeping quiet about it, minimizing it if asked, and letting the crush burn out without acting on it or causing your BF/GF/SOPATGSF any undue stress by talking about it/copping to it are all considered "best relationship practices."
So if you're the kind of GF who would prefer to hear her BF say, "Yeah, I totally have a crush on this other girl with whom I socialize frequently—she's totes amazing!", ABC, you'll have to make that explicit, i.e. you'll have to tell your BF exactly that. ("I would prefer that you tell me when you have a crush on someone else. Pretending you never have crushes on other girls is a lie and I prefer not to be lied to.") But then you're not allowed to have a meltdown, epic or otherwise, when he cops to a crush.
* some-other-point-along-the-gender-spectrum-friend.
