fake

I think that the important distinction here is if he was cybersexing with an ex gf, because that would be grounds for feeling betrayed and hurt. If he was just looking at porn though, and you just feel like this was on par with him sexing it up with an ex or something, then you should follow Dan's advice, because you're over reacting.

Agreed with @2. Kind of hard to believe someone this sex-negative would be reading/writing to Dan.

So, how many boyfriends has she gone through now?

Sounds like he was camming. Which I would have a big problem with, without prior agreement. Traditional porn pics or videos are great - but having cybersex with someone seems a lot more intimate. Not sure why Dan doesn't see the distinction, when the definition of porn use has changed. Is camming now to be expected as part of all relationships with straight men, when sexting someone you met at the bar would be seen as monogamish and needing more negotiation?

I'm with #6 - my husband and I both have our own tastes in porn, and I'm fine with that, but we've actually talked about it and we have rules for each other. (He doesn't want my porn/fanfic/erotica to hurt our actual sex life, which is valid, and I don't want him actually spending money on anything that's not ethically sourced (for lack of a better term) or which involves a 2-way communication with someone who isn't me. I'd have a big problem with finding out he was spending money camming. It's not an unreasonable thing to take issue with - IF you actually communicate first. If you think owning a Playboy is just as bad as seeing an escort, though, how is he supposed to know where your "that's too far" limits are?

Yeah, Dan, I think you stumbled a bit in not differentiating camming from watching a porn film. The rest of your answer I agree with, but I would say that interacting with another person — albeit one with whom he's not in physical contact — is several steps farther than erotica, magazines, or movies.

I think the question is not, 'should I be upset' but 'what should I do now that I know how upset this makes me'?

I think she should ask him to be much more discrete if she still wants to be with him. Or search for someone who is more discrete in the future, if this has killed the attraction for her. Or she could be worked up because she wants to watch porn with him?

If SAD happens to find a guy who genuinely doesn't seem interested in porn, there's a good chance that he's not all that interested in sex, either, and after the new-relationship frequency wears off, their real-life sex life will dwindle. Kind of a crappy trade-off, so deal with the porn.
She says it was "interactive," though, which seems significantly more cheat-y than just looking at pictures or videos.

Yeah, I wish she said what "interactive" porn meant. If it was camming, then that's pretty sketchy. If it was camming with an ex, I'd be comfortable calling that cheating. If it was one of those weird Japanese choose-your-own-adventure porn things, then this is hilarious and she should grow up a little more before having any more "serious" relationships. Also, date men with better taste in porn.

Someone who is not ok with their partner having a fantasy life is unfit to be in a relationship with real people.

@2 +1

I am totally in favor of porn, but I don't consider camming to be the same as porn - it's more like a lapdance - it's interactive with another person in RT. That's much closer to cheating than beating off to a picture taken at some other random time. Maybe that's an arbitrary distinction, but real ex-gf or not, even if the person on the other end of the cam isn't watching her BF, it seems more like cheating with a sex worker.

Looks like no one (including Dan) caught the part about this being the LW's first serious relationship. The LW is young, naive, has unrealistic expectations, and made a rookie mistake.

How quaint. Being offended by other peoples porn habits. How late1980's. Almost endearing.

I'm going to assume LW views doing it doggy style as perverse and reefer smoking as something only those evil black jazz musicians do.

I can understand rerunning a SLLOTD when Dan needs a day off. But how about picking several that could use a follow-up and doing that follow-up, so there can be a few in the can that have some new material. Nothing like adding an ingredient to leftovers to make the whole dish seem fresh.

What if your boyfriend watches porn way more often than he actually wants to have sex? My husband forgot to log out of our shared computer, and I was disturbed to find that he watches porn in the morning after I leave for work.

The porn itself wasn't the issue. It was the fact that he is lazy about initiating actual sex, which I'd previously chalked up to a low sex drive. In talking to my friends about this, I discovered they'd all had boyfriends with the same problem. I feel like such easy access to so much porn is making some straight guys lazy and a bit ADD when it comes to real life women. So what's the fix for that?

Maggie p - how about initiating sex more often? Like sometimes in the morning? Or talk with him about ways to make sex "easier" for him sometimes, as long as he is willing to meet your needs?

@17 Maggie P.

The problem is that you think the porn is a problem. It's not. It's an externality. Forget about the porn and work on your relationship. What in all honesty is your availability for quickies before work? And if you are available, what's it going to cost him and how much is he going to enjoy it?

LW:

"I have never felt so hurt or betrayed."

Congratulations. You are the luckiest person on earth.

@17-19 to add to it: choosing porn over a quickie sometimes feels better. if the other partner is not in the mood then asking partner either gets rejected or sex with an uninterested partner. the uninterested partner may feel inconvenienced or used. so it really seems easier *and* nicer to just watch a little porn and take care of things yourself sometimes.... if that is affecting your sex life in other ways, you should address that (let him know you want to have sex with him more often without bringing up the porn). if not, either let him know your into morning quickies, or just appreciate that he may be doing what's best for both of you.

17 - I think that kind of porn use is more of a self-care or self-comfort thing, and is unlikely to be the reason why he doesn't initiate sex enough. I don't know what the answer to one's partner not initiating is, though - wish I did!

@6, 7, 8 I think you all are making the jump from "interactive porn" to cams. I think the LW, as naive as she is about porn, would know the difference between the two and would have said as such if she'd caught her boyfriend on a cam site.

There are DVDs/Blu-rays and websites out there that are "interactive" in a Choose Your Own Adventure kind of way - First person perspective of an actor/actress performing an act of your choice, and you can click for them to do something else whenever you like and it'll load that clip. I'd wager that's what she caught him doing, but who knows.

Whatever the case, if the actress in the porn he was watching looks like one of his exes and that was a conscious decision on his part, then that's a problem. Otherwise, LW hopefully got over herself or started dating a dude that doesn't watch porn (ha!).

@17: I often rub one out in the morning after my wife goes to work. I do this even if we had sex last night or the last seven nights. I find it helps clear my head (heh) so that I don't get distracted by sexy thoughts at work.

Now if my wife were ready and willing in the mornings, I would much rather fuck her than jerk off. But (1) she's usually not that horny when rushing to get to work, (2) getting constantly rejected can do a number on your self-esteem, and (3) and even if she were amenable, it takes quite a bit longer to "warm her up" and get her off than the three minutes I spend jerking off.

So if you're wet and willing for quickies in the morning, I suggest jumping your hubby before heading off to work. He'll probably love it! But if you require lots of foreplay and a deep spiritual connection to get off, then I suggest you turn a blind eye.

Dear fellow men: stop lying to partners about not looking at porn. And stop dating crazy partners who insist that you stop.

@25: There's an interesting kind of prisoner's dilemma spin to that, isn't there? Life is better for all of us if we admit that we all use porn, but any individual one of us can increase his dating opportunities by lying about it, and therefore almost everyone lies about it. In the absence of coordination, everyone defects.

@17: How often do you initiate sex? Of those times, how often do you get rejected? How often does he initiate sex, and how often does he get rejected?

While I usually whole heartedly agree with dan on most thing I have to say something about this. While I think watching porn is fine and healthy. I think interactive web cam porn is absolutely not cool ( if one partner is uncomfortable with it. in a monogamous situation) . You are dealing with a personality not just flesh blobs fucking.

Bad people deserve to feel bad. She got what she deserved.

Thanks for the advice,guys. Unfortunately, I am always the initiator and have always made it very clear that I'm up for sex whenever. But he is actually non-responsive a lot of the time, so I give up. Yet he loves it the three times a month we actually tend to have it. I honestly don't think I'm doing anything wrong - I'm in great shape and buy the cute underwear and generally make the effort and all that.

The real issue seems to be that we've been together for over a decade and why have sex with your old, familiar wife when you can jerk off to a different 20-year-old every day? I know it's uncool to say this, but porn use does start to feel like cheating when you consistently choose it over sex with your partner.

Eudaemonic @ 26, I don't see how anyone could increase their dating opportunities by lying about porn use - does anyone ask about porn use when contemplating dating? I have to confess I've been out of the dating scene for 21 years (actually I was never in it).
This poor girl sounds like me 20 years ago when I found my boyfriend's porn magazines and lost it. Straight afterwards I felt like a total idiot, realised that I'd completely overreacted and never mentioned it again (deciding on a DADT approach for the last 20 years). Still, I didn't have the benefit of Dan Savage or any of the wonderful resources available to the yoof of today so maybe she should be a bit more wised up than I was.
Regarding morning sex, my husband habitually jumps on me and humps away for a few minutes in the morning before the children are baying for food, sometimes with a couple of minutes of fucking. This just warms us up for the night-time and makes him very keen to get to bed at night! I guess he might masturbate if left alone but even then his habit is to masturbate for a little while and not come. This means that he's constantly pressing against me when I'm trying to cook dinner (without the kids noticing, but we're possibly utterly traumatising them - they have told friends that Mummy and Daddy are very affectionate oh dear) but at least it's nice to feel wanted!

@29 Maggie P.

I'm sorry to hear that. I know what it's like to always be the initiator, have my partner love it when it happens, and have no prospect of things improving with our mismatched libidos. You just have to decide what's important to you. I stayed a long time despite my unhappiness. She abandoned me and then blamed me for being absent. Now that we're getting divorced I feel liberated.

@29: I do think if he's choosing porn over you-- as opposed to in addition to you-- then there is a problem. And I think it appropriate to bring this up with him, and to suggest going to a counselor if he doesn't want to talk about it. IMO, part of being in (what I'm assuming is) a monogamous relationship is making an honest effort to meet your partner's sexual needs. It's one thing if you're unable to meet those needs due to circumstances beyond your control, like a low libido or a physical impairment, and it's another to just ignore needs you're entirely capable of fulfilling. He's failing to live up to one of his obligations as your husband, and that merits a discussion at least.

In other words, count me as one porn-lovin' guy that would not consider you a porn-hating crazy person. :)

Rub one out.. Deep spiritual connection to get off... @24. You men say funny things.
I don't use porn to self pleasure, much rather use my mind. Then, if it's not working for me- simple, just change the scenario.
Best thing about self pleasuring, I can stop at orgasm and luxuriate. Don't have to talk to anybody.

Maggie_p said:

"why have sex with your old, familiar wife when you can jerk off to a different 20-year-old every day?"

Ugh. I don't know how your boyfriend feels about it, but I know how *I* feel.

I would rather pound my wife in the ass any time she's up for it, because 1) most porn is crap, searching for the good stuff is both time consuming and actually, quite a lot of a turn-off 2) my wife is way better at butt sex than most people, and it really shows, 3) she knows what I like, I know what she likes, and we fucking go for it.

But I guess I'm one of those weird kinksters who has a distinct preference for what we do over how pretty the person is that we do it with. And anal is just one of our more basic needs.

So why do I keep watching porn when the real thing is better? Usually because she has to go to work earlier than I do, and as such she has to go to bed earlier. Plus, after a long day of arguing with the kids, I need a few hours to wind down before I feel remotely interested in sex. By that time, she's already snoring. Saturday mornings tend to work best for us, and there's other times that we make it work.

@29: That sucks. I'm with #32 here. Three times a month isn't terrible (look at Blueballs from a day or two ago--ugh), but if you're the only one initiating, that starts to wear on a person. Getting him to at least use some toys with you once or twice a week (even if he's not up for PIV that often) seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask for, certainly, and doing his share of the initiating seems like a must.

@30: "I don't see how anyone could increase their dating opportunities by lying about porn use - does anyone ask about porn use when contemplating dating?"

I've been out of the dating scene since the early 2000s, but when I was 15-20, admitting you used porn made you basically undateable, since the girls (at least, at the time) had plenty of partners available who were perfectly willing to lie about it, and thought that having to hide your porn stash was a small price to pay for getting to participate.

When it's not normal to admit to using porn, people who do admit it seem like they use porn abnormally much (or abnormally intensely) and that's not exactly popular. So the boys fall into two categories the sensible ones who lie about porn use if the topic comes up, and the ones who don't and seem like pervy deviants. Not much reason to want to be seen as a pervy deviant, so at the time hiding it seemed like a perfectly reasonable tradeoff.

And those are the formative years--after that age, the habits have usually gotten pretty well-established, so the girls aren't accustomed to having to deal with the fact that their partners use porn, and the guys are accustomed to hiding it.

For all I know, it could be different now. I hope it is.

Thanks, 31 & 32! I really appreciate your comments. I know this is a frustration that a lot of long term couples deal with, except that it's usually the guy who's not getting any, so it's a bit of an ego bruiser for me. And for the record, I watch porn, too, but I have a really high libido so it doesn't affect my sex life.

I just wanted to throw my situation into the discussion because sometimes I think the "porn is never a problem" side doesn't see that for some couples it can cause actual sexual issues beyond just insecurity on the woman's part. The movie "Don Jon" is a little too relatable to some of us.

But anyhow, so sorry to hijack the Op's question. I have no advice for her, obviously :)

@29: That sucks. I'm with #32 here. Three times a month isn't terrible (look at Blueballs from a day or two ago--ugh), but if you're the only one initiating, that starts to wear on a person. Getting him to at least use some toys with you once or twice a week (even if he's not up for PIV that often) seems like it shouldn't be too much to ask for, certainly, and doing his share of the initiating seems like a must.

@30: "I don't see how anyone could increase their dating opportunities by lying about porn use - does anyone ask about porn use when contemplating dating?"

I've been out of the dating scene since the early 2000s, but when I was 15-20, admitting you used porn made you basically undateable, since the girls (at least, at the time) had plenty of partners available who were perfectly willing to lie about it, and thought that having to hide your porn stash was a small price to pay for getting to participate.

When it's not normal to admit to using porn, people who do admit it seem like they use porn abnormally much (or abnormally intensely) and that's not exactly popular. So the boys fall into two categories the sensible ones who lie about porn use if the topic comes up, and the ones who don't and seem like pervy deviants. Not much reason to want to be seen as a pervy deviant, so at the time hiding it seemed like a perfectly reasonable tradeoff.

And those are the formative years--after that age, the habits have usually gotten pretty well-established, so the girls aren't accustomed to having to deal with the fact that their partners use porn, and the guys are accustomed to hiding it.

For all I know, it could be different now. I hope it is.

TL, DR: Dating while young is kind of terrible, when you think about it.

Weird double-post. Sorry about that.

I think the problem most people here are missing: 1. He lied. 2. He was engaging in interactive porn, probably camming, with the full knowledge that his gf found porn unsettling. It would be like if I asked my partner if she liked dogs, she said she didn't, and then I found out that she went to the kennel every day and fed dogs with our money. It's a breach of trust, and claiming that she should have known he watched porn when he said he didn't is victim blaming. He shouldn't have lied. If he wasn't secure enough in the relationship to reveal that he enjoys porn then there is a serious communication issue and a trust issue that is far more damaging than his prone habits. Especially if he was going so far as to interact with people on the other end. Enjoying an image or a video is very different than talking to the other person involved, and even people in open relationships demand a degree of awareness when their partner is engaging with other people. He lied, and its actually sad and sweet that she trusted him enough to believe him, and speaks a lot about she feels about him.

If and only if he was camming with his ex then there is an issue. Unless they are married or their incomes are combined then its non of her business what he spends his money on.

Above proviso aside, this whole porn shaming thing boils down to one thing. Control. I hope he DTMFA.

He wasn't camming:

I recently caught my boyfriend watching porn. We have talked about it before, and he said he didn't watch it while he was in a relationship. But when I caught him there with his dick in his hand, I lost it. I have never felt so hurt or betrayed. This is my first serious relationship. I can't get over how sick and sad I feel. It feels like he was cheating on me. Should I be as upset as I am? It was interactive porn—it was LIKE he was cybersexing with one of his ex-girlfriends. What should I do?

So he wasn't actually cybering with an ex. Rather, SAD equated what he was doing-- interactive porn-- to be like cybering with an ex.

I'm guessing most people here don't know what "interactive porn" is. @23 gets it right: you get a (typically POV) video of porn actress stripping, who will then ask something like "what do you want to do next?" Then a little menu pops up with a few limited options (for example, "A. Blowjob, B. Cunnilingus, C. PIV Sex"), and the DVD loads the appropriate clip after the viewer makes a selection. There are a few more selection points afterwards, invariably ending with selecting the desired money shot.

So. NOT cybering, and not even like cybering. More like have very limited directorial options in how you want to splice the porn scenes together.

It's interesting how we all drink the kool aid and say ALL MEN WATCH PORN...THE END. Have we all seen porn in our lifetime? Sure. Does every male use it habitually...or even sporadically? Not necessarily. I find that to be a glaring generalization. It perpetuates the idea that men are animals and "can't help themselves." Please. Grown ass men can opt out. Dan, I love you, but for reals, people aren't that simple. Women absolutely have the right to say, please respect my wishes and beat off in a different way. Men also have the right to respond honestly and say--- cool, I'm not super into porn anyway or sorry, that doesn't work for me. That's the real talk.

@41: Good catch. That changes things a lot.

I wonder if we should adopt the habit of having whoever comments first copy-paste the original letter into their comment, so that the rest of us can go back to being able to scroll up to reread the letter.

my second only disagreement with savage. though i wholly agree with the rest of his advice here.

interactive internet porn is CHEATING. you are having sex with someone OUTSIDE a monogamous (presuming) relationship. would it be "worse" if it were an ex? uhhhh, does it matter? its no less better

i see the OP is commenting....

"But he is actually non-responsive a lot of the time, so I give up"

there's a famouse quote out there, i mean this not with malice but with direct reality
"Show me a beautiful woman, I'll show you a man who's tired of fucking her"

sooo....this is a problem that needs to be discussed and managed by (hopefully) two adults with regard, care, concern, sensitivity, understanding, and respect. and if he's not being honest and communicating his needs...desires...or telling you how he feels or why this is happening...its time to leave!

@45; Sad, we get tired of fucking the one person. Or do we? Depends on lots of things. If the people are real and changing in the relationship, allowed to change in the relationship- then really, we get to fuck lots of different manifestations of the same person.
LW; how embarrassing for this boy. Cock in hand and you loose it. Amazing he didn't pack and leave you, that minute.
For a start, grow up. Men. What are you gonna do?

nnob @45, I'm pretty sure Maggie P. @17, 29 & 36 is not the OP. Just someone in a similar situation.

Maggie, do you have a good idea of what kind of porn he's looking at? Is it possible there are fantasies going on in his head that he's too shy to tell you about? And if so, are you open to incorporating them in your sex life, if he'd be willing to share them with you? If so, you might want to sit down one evening and have that conversation with him.

@40 I'm confused as to what combined income would have to do with this issue?

I wish my husband would watch porn and beat off. Seriously. I think he would feel better.

@41 - meh, it's a distinction without a difference in this case, the key point being: it's interactive in RT with another personality, not just an image. That's what makes this more like a visit with a sex worker and less like porn.

@48: I assume it's because spending joint money on that kind of thing adds a layer to it. Spending money that's just your own on porn is different from spending money that's "ours" on a sex worker--if it's her money too, she should get a say in how it gets spent.

A Finch. @50; No it's not. It's not a real person. It's a game. A Sex game.
A sex worker, is a Real Alive Person.

Obviously, this LW, was not satisfying her man. He turned elsewhere.
I'd say, they long broken up by now.

I'm pretty sure playing a violent video game isn't the equivalent to murder, so playing a sexy video game isn't the equivalent to having sex. And therefore doesn't have anything in common with cheating.

I was 18 when I had my first relationship (ended up being my only relationship, I married the guy) and I did know beforehand that guys watched porn, but my naive self thought it was only frustrated dissatisfied guys that did, either by being single, or long-term married. The first time I caught my guy beating off to the computer I was shocked and hurt. We were having sex constantly, in the "first few months" of our relationship, so seeing that made me sure that he wasn't attracted to me and wasn't enjoying our time together as much as I thought. Luckily, he was very open and honest with me about his porn use and why he just had to do it sometimes, and that it didn't mean he didn't want me....and that all guys felt the same. So I loosened up, and I'm a very open, sex-positive person now. I think it's so important for guys to be honest, and I also think it's important for girls to learn this ahead of time, so things like this letter doesn't happen so often. Yes, there will always be women who don't accept it and never will, but that's the minority of us. Cut this girl a little slack, she's new to this and she's feeling extremely vulnerable and insecure!

Quoth @42:

Women absolutely have the right to say, please respect my wishes and beat off in a different way.

Consenting adults can negotiate for whatever they want. But make no mistake: the women making this request are exhibiting controlling behavior, and men would be well-advised to DTMFA.

Perhaps you'll see the giant red flag easier if I flip the genders. I hate, hate, hate reality TV. I think it's a waste of time and money, that it's degrading to the participants and the viewers, and that it's contributing to the decline of our culture. Since I despise reality TV, my wife accommodates me by watching something else when we relax in front of the TV. (Just like I don't watch my sci-fi shows when I'm with her.) My wife, however, does not share my feelings of disgust toward reality TV. She watches the occasional episode of "Real Housewives" on her iPad or when I'm not home. And I'm OK with that.

But suppose I wasn't. Suppose I asked every girlfriend I ever had not to watch any reality TV, ever. Even when I'm not around. Even if it had no impact on our relationship. Suppose I accidentally or on purpose discovered evidence that my girlfriend caught an episode of "Dancing with the Stars." And suppose I responded by acting hurt and betrayed, by accusing her of not respecting my feelings, and by treating her as some kind of deviant for watching an incredibly popular genre. If I were that controlling asshole, I can safely say my wife would not have married me, and that any decent woman would stay the fuck away.

It's the same with porn. You may think it's degrading and culturally corrosive, and if so it's entirely normal to ask that your boyfriend/husband not watch porn when you're around. And if he's neglecting other areas of your relationship, you're well within your rights to ask that he cut back on porn. But you otherwise have no business dictating what your boyfriend/husband watches when you're not around.

@55; not sure watching reality TV can really be compared to watching porn.

Hard call this porn stuff. Like When we had the letter couple of weeks ago from the mother of a 15 yr old boy, who'd watched rape porn since he was 13, and now had impulses to rape.
And like violent video games.
What effect do they having on the developing mind?
Grown men, different of course.
As long as they don't believe real women
Are like the actors in porn. The whole groan with every thrust carry on. Sometimes yeah, a real woman can be so turned on she may behave like that.
Those girls in porn, just look at an erect cock, and they orgasm.

Correction @ 56;
Of course it's
What effect Are they having...

@56: It's pretty comparable. You're worried that watching porn gives boys and men unrealistic expectations of sex. That their sexual conduct will suffer as a result.

I have the exact same concerns about reality TV. The people on those shows are generally-- let's say "trashy." They rarely behave like decent human beings, since decent human beings do not make for entertaining TV. So my concern-- like yours with porn-- is that people watching reality TV will come to think that's its OK to lose your shit in a dispute. That trashy behavior is rewarded. Etc.

@I Hate Screen Names: I liked your comparison of porn to reality tv on many levels. For one thing, I think that the similarity that reality tv bears to real life is equivalent to the degree to which porn resembles real sex.
I also like the way you showed the unreasonableness of the demand that the porn-consumer not be allowed to consume any porn at all, even on his own time, and when his wife or girlfriend is around.

I have two caveats:

1) Like you, I despise reality tv--I find it exploitive and I hate that it seems to celebrate and encourage the worst human behavior. But I admit to feeling contempt for people who watch it. So if my SO watched reality tv, even though I would appreciate his not watching it around me, and even though in theory I believe he has a right to view what he wants to in private so long as it doesn't affect me, I would find my respect for him lessen. I don't think I'd be able to help having that reaction. Sooner or later, that contempt might, I fear, creep into the rest of the feelings I had for him and would affect the relationship.

2) Several people have mentioned the lw's age and her relative inexperience in relationships. Many young women don't realize that even men who are completely satisfied with and love their partners watch porn. They think that if a man watches porn it is because he's dissatisfied with her. This is a simple case of some education being needed. That education can be phrased kindly.

@nocutename: Thanks! Wholeheartedly agree with your caveat #2: it's OK to have the feeling-- our feelings are our feelings-- but we learn how to handle those feelings. Young IHSN may have gotten jealous when his girlfriend talked to a good-looking guy, but he's since learned that it's not reasonable to expect his girlfriend to cut off all contact with dudes. :)

As to #1: I was formerly in your shoes of despising people who watch reality TV, especially when the genre first appeared. But I've come to realize that pretty much everyone watches it, including my mom, my best friend, my siblings, most girls I've dated (including my wife), etc. Since my assumption that watching reality TV = trashiness has been empirically disproved, I just set my disquiet aside.

Hopefully those disgusted with porn can come to a similar conclusion. Most people watch porn-- including virtually all men-- so the porn-hater's assumptions about porn-watchers are probably not correct. Best to set that disquiet aside.

Nocute, doesn't sound like she was kind hearted to her boy.
How rude, abusing a male while he's jacking off, or rubbing one out- much sweeter expression.
Sorry. Lost my feelings of concern for her over that one.
Doesn't matter how young and inexperienced one is, that is a big violation, as I see it.
I'd be gone that day, if some guy interrupted my self pleasuring with abuse.

@17MaggieP Your boyfriend is a shit. If the situation were reversed, this thread would light up with how fast your boyfriend should dump you and what a horrible person you are for not giving it up to him and masturbating instead. Your boyfriend is a shit and you deserve someone who wants to fuck you, not himself.

Tito@62; you are right. I meant to address MaggieP earlier.
They are married, so Perhaps laying down what She really wants could be her first step.
Then, if he refuses to change and take care of her, then kick him to the curb.
It is disturbing to read,that this is a general malaise with her friends. How widespread is it?
People working too hard perhaps? Not enough emotional energy left after giving it to The System, to really have a true intimacy?
Easier maybe to relieve sexual tension thru porn use.

@63; I am in a similar situation to MaggieP, except that we've talked about it a lot. The frequency of sex hasn't changed, and I am still the initiator (except once in a blue moon) but we understand each other better and that has made all the difference. it's partly that he has a lower libido than me. Porn plays a different role for him than sex (and the frequency of sex doesn't change despite changes in his porn use). The biggest issue, the lack of initiating, is rooted in anxiety and isn't going away. Now he understands why this makes me insecure, he's a lot more openly enthusiastic when we have sex; and he accepts my advances slightly more often than he naturally would. I only ask him when I know there's a good chance of him saying yes. So we've both made compromises, and the rare times - once every couple of years - when he initiates are just enough to keep me going. No kicking to the curb needed in our case, but I wish I hadn't grown up believing that it's slutty and desperate for a woman to initiate sex.

MaggieP and misspiggy, I feel your pain. The frustration and low self-esteem and constantly pushing against indifference, not fun. And I feel like giving your men a shake--what a shocking waste of talent.

But! Their libido is not my libido and that's okay. I guess. If you can make it work. Still...the cosmic injustice of it all.

For the record, it is completely possible to lust after a woman after over even twenty years together. And misspiggy--I find it hot when a woman initiates. It allows me to relax and have more fun, and women with a sex drive are awesome. End of story.

My sympathies!!! I'm finding that my husband's porn watching is ruining our marriage! I'm not snooping either, we have a joint account and his internet pages & history show up on my devices he knows that it's visible. Seriously almost the minute I walk out of the damn house he's online watching porn sometimes 2 & 3 x a day. It wouldn't be a problem if he still wanted to fuck later on...but he doesn't. I've talked about this over and over and over but he either doesn't care or can't stop. My self esteem is shot and I'm miserable...sigh

@66; read him the riot act and look to leaving him, if he really won't hear what you saying.
Miss Piggy; feelings for your situation.
Maybe this man of yours could use a little help with his anxiety. Some verbal therapy, to see if he can shift it.

@66: What LavaGirl said. If he's ruining your self esteem and won't stop, it's time to look at leaving. And to tell him that.

"It was the fact that he is lazy about initiating actual sex, which I'd previously chalked up to a low sex drive. In talking to my friends about this, I discovered they'd all had boyfriends with the same problem. I feel like such easy access to so much porn is making some straight guys lazy and a bit ADD when it comes to real life women. So what's the fix for that?"

Eh, porn is no replacement for a partner, but I do see these lazy guys being drawn *to* porn. Strongly correlated, but not causal and doesn't have this effect on every consumer.

And @51: As far as I'm aware, cam sites (which this doesn't appear to be) don't make you pay to "watch", only make requests?