Wow, that's a rough one.

I am betting that he is as confused about it as you are.

Therapy is always a good option when we have feelings we don't know how to cope with!

Wow. I'm very drunk right now and this letter was INTENSE. Damn, I hope everything works out alright for these two, either individually or together.

I think the advice is generally spot on, but I'm pretty skeptical of the what-you-are vs. what-you-do distinction. Paraphrasing and adapting a bit from Nietzsche, he writes (in On the Genealogy of Morals) about people's tendency to "double the deed" by thinking that when we say "I do X", there's both a "doing X" and an "I" that does it. The example he gives is of lightning -- "the lightning strikes," we say, but the lightning is the striking, and we can't even properly imagine a lightning which isn't striking.

What we are is the collection of things that we do. That's a big part of why "the closet" is so pernicious.

Her hands fell away from my face, she told me to open my eyes... there it was, the new me! As a true, sensual, sexual woman. How could a full time fitness instructor and part time little league baseball coach perform those described duties in a dress? My confusion was understandably rampant but I had to see if the spell would fail... she allowed me to stay in this temporary likeness for just a bit longer... who am I kidding, 4 hours! (...)

They don't wear everyday makeup because everyday makeup won't read at the back of a show bar under harsh lighting. It's the same reason stage actors wear severe makeup to appear in a play. Even I, a cappuccino-colored black man, have to wear heavy makeup so that all my features don't blend into each other.

It's not that drag queens "aren't trying to look like women," it's that they're trying to be recognizable as "women" from a distance of at least thirty yards. It's the core of female impersonation, which is the actual job title.
On the other hand, even letting the feminization go for a second, if the LW's sexual needs aren't being met, discussion needs to be had, like any other relationship issues.

I read the question and felt jealous... at the lucky guy. Then I read Sathya @4 and had a "yes indeed, too good to be true" moment. I think my suspicion stems from the super fast way husband moved. And if there were any early desires on his side, which is usually the case, he wouldn't be afraid to mention it by now.
But just in case I'm wrong, the wife should communicate her needs. Husband shouldn't be too selfish about his new discoveries and accommodate her. Unfortunately there aren’t too many women like her.

IDK all in all it strikes me as a good answer to a difficult question.

@5 Peter: deep (and somewhat erotic to find such an erudite comment, a big brain is always a turn on), but I disagree. Let's say you are a male, mammal, philosopher. Being male is largely a part of your essence (what you are) but perhaps can be shifted a bit by culture (in terms of performance of gender role). Being a mammal, in your bones from conception to rotting in the grave. Being a philosopher, something you do and it becomes part of who you are if you do it enough. It's not a categorical distinction but it is a continuum, and clearly being a philosopher is far less what-you-are than being a mammal, and far more what-you-do. Maybe not for Nietzsche or Plato but for most of us.

The lightning example is at the other end of the continuum, what it does is 100% tied up with what it is.

Same with sex/gender (for most of us) vs. kink vs. sexual interests -- for a few kink is who they are, but for most it's what they do, although perhaps a bit more to the "who you are side" of what you do than say, a hand job with two hands vs. one hand with is entirely technique / what you do.

It seems fake to me too. He'd never shown any interest in this before? Then suddenly, Ru and his wife awaken the dormant CD within? Color me pastel skeptical.

Your husband has discovered a kink for gender-fuck sex. (A kink I share.) He's having a brilliant time living out his lesbian fantasies as one of the participants. He doesn't want you touching his dick because that will spoil the illusion that he's having girl-on-girl sex.

This is something he's never experienced before, so he wants to "catch up." But if you're missing sex in other ways, talk to him and let him know how often you're willing to indulge this and how often you just want cock. You seem willing to be GGG about this (and yes, you're reaping the rewards) but he has to be as well.

@4: This is, in fact, more common than you think.

I agree with @12 - I think they stumbled together across a forced feminization kink (which involves orgasm denial for men). He might've been self-aware all his life, but kept it deeply secret (and unexplored) until his wife was suddenly game, and has gotten carried away. I think Dan's advice is very good.

Lightning doesn't have a sense of itself. It is kind of hard to use it as a model for personal identity development.

What's more realistic: that they stumbled across this particular kink together and he suddenly became submissive . . . or that a letter that sounds exactly like a forced-feminization kink fantasy finds its way from one corner of the internet to another?

@4 I don't think so. It sounded fake to me too.

I don't think it's totally fake, I agree with 4 and 7. I think it was written by the man pretending to be the wife. I think it's weird that a woman wouldn't know about why people on stage wear extreme make-up, or think that drag queens aren't really pretending to be women.

"We've even been out together, as two girls, to dance." I was buying the letter up until that line. Unless it was Halloween, that's pretty damn unlikely. Or maybe the world has genuinely dramatically changed for the younger set. Crossdressers my age (49), even hardcore, dressing all their life, totally passable crossdressers find going out in public dressed to be, maybe not difficult, but not something to mention casually at the end of a list of feminizing behavior.

I just can't believe the world has become that easy on crossdressers. Either her boyfriend already was a closet crossdresser and has already been dressed out in public alone and was extremely sneaky about getting the girlfriend to go with it as if it was her idea, or the letter is fake. If the former, he should continue to be sneaky and slow down the descent into the pink fog.

Snooze. So fake. "Just two girls out dancing together! And then we went home and had a pillow fight! Tee-hee! And then we became lesbian lovers! Imagine that!"
Zzzzzz - Pro dommes everywhere

My understanding is that cross-dressing is almost exclusively a male hetero thing. I think Dan is spot on. This is a newly uncovered kink. Lots of calm, non-shaming convo needed, but this could easily be a bonus, not a negative.

I am totally with Dan's philosophy on fakes.

Really, all letters are simply hypotheticals to everyone but the letter writer. So really, it doesn't matter in the least.

I think the "cross dressing is a hetero thing" is a logical error. I think what is meant is that it is not exclusively a gay thing, and since there are more heterosexual than gay people the majority of cross dressers are actually hetero.

But that doesn't translate to exclusivity in the other direction.

Just my own interpretation.

I had something similar happen to me. My bf loved to be dressed as a woman and pegged. For a while, it was awesome. Then, the one up desires started happening. I missed my bf. I missed our sex. I started to resent having to play a role for him all the time, so I asked for what I wanted and needed. We eventually broke up, and he started pursuing trans women. I've done male drag before. I enjoy it, but for someone like me who is about celebrating authenticity, constant roleplay felt artificial and off putting.

Maybe your guy feels safe, like mine did, to go down a rabbit hole. Best wishes finding the balance you seek or coming to some sort of accommodation that suits you both!

I will add, just to give some perspective, my partner gets off on fear. And I have done some pretty crazy things to satisfy that kink. I enjoy terrifying him (but I'm always having to escalate). But the thing that terrifies him most is simply going outside. It's so easy. Even really kink-friendly trans-friendly places can be scary, because there's always that walk from the car to the front door. And he's way more advanced than most crossdressers of my acquaintance. I had one I took out at 2:00 am to a totally deserted all-night shop, and he refused to even get out of the car, broke out in a cold sweat and started shaking.

Something I ponder a lot on when I'm bored and have too little to ponder on is how gender fluidity is going to change our views of sexuality.

The comment about the straight male crossdresser who enjoyed forced feminization and chose trans women is kind of mindblowing in both its complexity and its simplicity.

As people increasingly eschew binary gender identities the whole concept of heteronormativity kind of goes up in flames.

It's a pretty fascinating time to be observing social changes, anyway!

Hahaha this is a letter written by a straight guy about his straight girlfriend.

Anybody else see the latest episode of Louie? (Louie C.K.'s tv show on HBO) -SPOILERS- First he gets beat up by a crazy woman then his daughters laugh at him for it. Then he goes over to his butch girlfriend's so she can put make up on the bruises because he has to perform. But she gets all excited and carried away and wants to make him up like a woman and have sex which she finally talks him into then she surprise pegs him and it seems less than consensual at first but then he gets into it. After that he gets all clingy so she dumps him. It was a very bizarre episode and I wasn't sure if there was a point but now that I've read this letter, I think Louie (the character, if not the actor / writer) may be on a similar journey.

@22 & 23, Yes. My experience is that a lot of men who originally presented as cis & straight find out (or reveal) that they are drawn to forced feminization, which can lead a variety of directions:
a. towards submissiveness and an interest in BDSM
b. towards voluntary cross-dressing (and sometimes to a transgender identity)
c. towards an interest in cock (cis-women-with-strapons, then transwomen, and then men).
d. none of the above
e. several of the above.

The number of people who think this letter is fake because THEY can't wrap their heads around the possibility of a kink like this is truly depressing.

@25 I have been thinking the same thing. As we start to eschew gender binaries really interesting things start to happen. I can't wait for more ways to become acceptable for cis men to express themselves via fashion, makeup, etc...Also, I hope we will be more open to all the sexual expressions. I.e. You don't have to always pound away at a vagina to be a straight man.