"I'm a man who just got out of a two-year relationship with a great girl."

No. You are not.
Oh, Ophian, I've missed you. Come on over to the Savage Love week's column and hop in.
"has threatened to force all our mutual friends to pick her over me"

That could have a nice outcome - do you want friends who would choose the crazy, vengeful XGF?

And if there IS documentary evidence of the pegging? It only shows you DID it. She could have been the one who WANTED it. Sure, out & proud is the policy of the NAAKP (National Association for the Advancement of Kinky People), but while she has a nuclear button she could press ("he pegged me"), you could construct your own ("at her request").
If there's documentary evidence of the pegging and she uses it, there's a tiny but non-zero chance he could get her put in jail. If that's he case, he should absolutely do so.

I agree with 3, though I'd add that people like that can fool you, and make you overlook your own better judgement--see the discrepancy between the first two sentences--and be ready to be there for the ex-friends who choose the scumbag over you and then regret their choice. They may need it, and you may need them.
This is an old letter, but people in KINK's situation should say good riddance to any "friend" that would except an ultimatum to choose sides. Absent cause (e.g., domestic violence, child abuse, etc.) forcing friends to choose sides is manipulative, and people that display that trait aren't worth having as friends. So if your friends acquiesce to such a request that's their misfortune. I would also hope that KINK's friends would be off-put by his ex's revelations about their sex life as a transparent effort to hurt KINK. Again, revealing confidences to hurt someone is a serious character flaw, that should make KINK's friends want to end their relationship with KINK's ex. Who could trust a friend like that?

I think Dan is right, KINK has to shrug off any revelation as no big deal. Once everyone see that this information has no power over KINK, people will drop it.

KINK sounded worried that his ex would tell people about his interest in pegging, not that she would distribute photos or videos of KINK in flagrante delicto. However, in the event she did so, as @4 suggested, the following states have revenge porn laws: Alaska, California, Colorado, Delaware, Idaho, Illinois, Hawaii, Georgia, Maryland, New Mexico, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Texas, Utah, Virginia, and Wisconsin.
Mr Savage, you gotta have like meeting hours for fans. Your CUNY talk was booked solid. Hump is a freaking month away and all the way in Brooklyn.

Throw a girl a bone. Enjoy our crazy city.
Completely OT and I apologize, but OMG you guys, I went and libtrolled over at today. What a weird place. It's filled with people like Seattleblues - a bunch of humorless, oppressive assholes with a keen sense of their own victimization as they work to make the world a worse place for gays, blacks, women and poor people. Wotta nightmare. But I'll probably go back because I like arguing.

And oh yeah, LW was better off without her and can survive being outed as a pegee. Next!

@7: The thing that always confuses me is how happy they are to make their own lives worse, as long as their preferred policy hits the Others even harder. It's by no means unique to the right, but I've never seen anywhere else where it's so central. So many people would apparently be happy to live in a cardboard box, as long as the black family next door had to live in a paper bag.
Yes, I know, old news, but still.... Was this threat made in writing, by any chance? Or any other tangible medium? If so, all you need to do now is point her at a legal dictionary definition of blackmail, instruct her that what she just did fits that definition and is a felony, and that if she takes any more steps in this direction you will have no choice but to press charges.

You might also point out to her that she is threatening to go nuclear over your refusal to provide advice about her current relationship. Does she even realize how stupid she is going to look, going to all the friends with that story? How about once your side of the story comes out? She does realize that you do have a mouth and the contact information for all these people, right?

Chances are very good that her little gambit, should she be stupid enough to go through with it, is going to self-propel her out of the shared social group like a bottle rocket full of diarrhea.

I'd really like to know what happened. Did the girlfriend do it and have it blow up in her face? Or did the LW take on the role of 'stand-in Dan Savage'. If you're out there LW let us know.
Have a great time Dan and tribe.
Well played, Mr Ophian.

I'll only add, to LW: Next time, try a woman.
How is it that the comments are ordered 5, 7, 6, 8, ...?
If that's a good girl to you, LW, you should try someone you perceive to be a complete asshole next time.


I miss you like the deserts miss the rain, mon chapeau rose.
Aww, Ophian and Lolo back in the same thread again!
Hey there, Still Thinking :)
If she outed him, her behavior was undoubtedly seen for what it is... childish and vindictive. Anyone who chooses a person capable of such actions over KINK, and for something so unrelated to their friendship, is probably not worth KINK's time.
I love reading about straight men who want to be pegged. Does that quality as a kink?

I my reading of this is that he is worried his ex might reveal his kink, not that she has threatened to do so. My quess is that his ex has some unrasonable expectations, and that she is angry they aren't being met. I think it is likely she will realize that when she calms down and this is just his fears getting the best of him. My advice would be Keep Calm, Don't Panic.

It is a shame these reposts don't have a follow-up about what happened. I would think that would be hard to do. Just an email and a cut-and-paste.
Mr. ven @12: *chuckle*

Hey there, lolo. I miss you too. I've been pretty scare lately, but I try to keep an eye out. *smooch*
@9: "You might also point out to her that she is threatening to go nuclear over your refusal to provide advice about her current relationship. Does she even realize how stupid she is going to look, going to all the friends with that story?"

I think he's assuming she'll come up with a better story than that. I suspect he's right.
I advise total appeasement: Tell her you're sorry and give her any advice she asks for. Explain how when you talked about establishing boundaries you just meant that you would do anything for her and her new guy and expect nothing in return. And stop saying she's too controlling, that's just ridiculous. Why am I the only one who sees the obvious answer?
Why does every couple have to stay friends after breaking up? I am friends with some ex's but not everyone. If someone is that lacking of boundaries and that you cannot feel safe around then they are not a friend. Maybe there should be another acronym. DTMFTRA Dump the Mother F.... Then Run Away
I think he should encourage her to go nuclear. She'd be doing him and any of their friends who are grown-ups a huge favor by revealing herself for what she is.
This guy sounds like a major pill, his girlfriend was "a little controlling"? It sounds like she was just trying to civil and friendly and talk about issues actual friends do talk about. What do you think he said to make her go ballistic??
I'm with @10 and @18. I don't mind the reruns but I do think it would be really cool if Mr. Savage or someone on the staff shot the original writer an email and asked if they wanted to provide any information about how things worked out. For now, I must use the speculate-o-tron...

KINK admitted and laughed off as Mr. Savage advised but is the subject of the occasional well-meaning joke and one incident in which a friend referred an outsider to KINK for advice that turned out to concern nailless carpentry.

KINK's ex-girlfriend had to make all new friends and started her own rock band, Rage Stomp, whose thrilling beats and daring lyrics are electrifying drought-stricken California...
@24: What? What contortions do you have to engage in to think this guy's in the wrong?
I realize this is an old letter and is likely too late for you, but for anyone else in a fucked-up situation like this: If she makes good on her threat to tell your friends and a friend is tasteless enough to mention it to you instead of dismissing it as the nasty tactics of a control freak bitch (sorry), you can always say something like, "I can't imagine why she would say something like that."
I don't think you necessarily need to choose between denying it and letting everyone know it's true. If a partner of mine told people stuff that I didn't want to have publicised*, and someone mentioned it to me, I'd probably go with The Look (the one that's a mixture of astonished, disgusted and bewildered) and say something like, "My God, I cannot BELIEVE the shit that some people say." And if I was questioned further about the veracity of the rumours, "Sorry...unlike my ex, I'm not really comfortable talking about our sex life in public."

* Unlikely this would happen for me, since I don't have much use for privacy, but on the off chance that someone found information that bothered me and spread it, I'd probably go this route.
@9: Challenging potentially unstable people with ultimatums and counterthreats rarely works well.
Best thing to do - talk to the various friends and warn them that Ex is making silly threats.. and let it go. Friends who have brains will not want to hang with her anyway, those who choose her... you're probably better off without.

Please wait...

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