Lindsey Graham, scoping for talent.
Lindsey Graham, scoping for "talent." GurganusImages /

Yesterday senator and slow rat in the long rat race to the White House Lindsey Graham embraced the possibilities of his bachelorhood: “I’ve got lots of friends, we’ll have a rotating First Lady,” the Daily Mail reports him saying. Many members of the media have dutifully spun that line (bahahahahah—forgive me) in gleeful ways.

Jezebel has provided a neat little list of rotating female figures. Politico offers a brief history of White House bachelors. I recommend to Lindsey what for me has been a life-changing piece of kitchen equipment.

But I want to delve a little deeper. Why when the beltway hustle and bustle subsides does Lindsey Graham return to an empty home? Why choose this life of porn, sadness, and accidentally eating one thing for an entire year? Could it be some of the things he says? Let’s see....

Could be that he’s a little bit of a loose cannon: “Check me out. Check my rating with the NRA. Come to my house, I will show you my AR-15." Now, what kind of self-respecting Carolina debutant wants to hear that kind of toilet talk in the middle of the goddamn afternoon, Mr. Graham?

But perhaps it’s because he’s limiting his options too much by saying ridiculous shit about entire parts of the globe: “The last place in the world you want nuclear weapons is the Mideast. Why? People over there are crazy.” Really? Everybody? Everybody's crazy?

Is it because he doesn’t believe in love in a time of apocalypse?

Or maybe—just maybe—it might be that Graham could never love a woman the way he loves the United States Air Force: “The Air Force has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It identified and developed my talent, and helped me become useful to my country. It offered me adventure and showed me the world. It gave me a purpose bigger than myself. It put me in the company of patriots. It's been almost like family to me. I'm going to miss it an awful lot, and I wouldn't leave if they weren't making me.”

I think I know the cure, Graham, but I can’t say it any better than Lauryn Hill.