I love you, Dan. You are an acid bath that just strips away the gross gunky stuff and gets to the gleaming life bits. I love this answer, and you are right. And as for the LW, you go, honey, and marry your love and fix dinners and drink wine at sunsets and have dumb fights and travel together and have all sorts of sexy times and giggle at happy things and make a good life for yourselves. Mazel tov!

Seriously, and use the smaller group to throw the nicest, funnest, most beautiful goddamn wedding and hire the best goddamn photographer you can afford so you can post the ever living fuck out of those gorgeous pictures of you and all your attendees having a blast for all your family to see.

Perfect answer! I am sorry for your shitty family, but the beauty of being a grown up is you have the opportunity to make your own, beautiful life with your new family, your wife. Be sad for a minute then put it away and go forth gloriously! Congratulations!!

Aw, Dan, it's not like you to be modest. Sure, PPPH built the out-and-proud, sex-positive, loved-and-capable-loving person she is, but your column surely gave her the help she needed to do so.

As for you, PPPH, I'm sorry you have such a shitty family. What they're doing is inexcusable and cruel. Dan is right: Unfriend their asses on Facebook, and cut them out of your life as much as possible. Luckily you've got loving and supportive in-laws and hopefully have plenty of friends who will be your substitute family.

Yup, what they said. Not that is is easy or fair, but stop making opportunities to get hurt, they've already made their decisions whether they announced it or not. You'll have a better celebration without them. And use the money you save from not going to your brothers' on the ceremony. Congrats!

Furthermore, don't even think of traveling to see them for birthdays and holidays until they are begging you and your wife to come. If that never happens--put that time and rmotional energy into the family you are building--not the shits you were born with.

"She's your family now"

All choked up now, Dan.

Dan the man. Yes.
LW, what a load of piss weak pricks and prickesses. Catholics my arse. They know nothing of loving well.

Congratulations. I hope you have a wonderful day, and future life together.

PPPH,

there are people out there who will support you if your family won't. You don't need them, and you definitely don't need to get on back on the rejection-train. If you feel like your seating chart is a bit light, then invite some people who will appreciate you, your life, choices, and partnership to celebrate with you.

If all else fails, invite me. I'll come, celebrate the shit out of your love, with you and your wife-to-be, and take the place of those terrible, judgmental, people. Nobody should feel unloved on their wedding day. I won't stand for it. Just call me the brother you never had.

Jeff

I'm with Jeff, one of the best things of growing up is you can actually choose who your family is. I'll be there for you if your mom wont. Much love to you and your bride, may your lives be filled with laughter and love.

I'm so sorry about your shitty family. You deserve better and now you know for sure they don't deserve you. Much joy and blessings on your special day!

Perfect answer. Even before I clicked through to Dan's answer I was screaming to myself: "Don't call them! Don't set yourself up for more rejection. They aren't coming. Fuck them. Let it go."

Yeah, it sucks, but they had their chance and they blew it. Don't pour salt in your own wounds. Have a lovely wedding without them, make a happy life without them. Let them rot in their own bigotry without doing further damage to you.

A wedding is a nice thing. My partner and I were together for more than 25 years before we were finally able to get married. But it was still a lovely, fun event, surrounded by lots of people who love and support us. I highly recommend not adding any negativity to yours by coercing shitty relatives to it that don't want to be there and who don't support you.

Honey, when me and Cindymoo get married, there will likely be fewer than 25 people there. And you know what? I don't care. Those are the people who love us, who don't pay lipservice to our relationship, and who really want to celebrate with us. Some are family, some are friends. So fuck your family who can't be happy for you, who can't RSVP, who can't be straight with you. You are better without them. Dance, eat cake, look fabulous, and have a wonderful time. This is about the start of your life, not placating the douches in your family. Your brother is an ass, as you well know. I wish you and the missus nothing but the best, sto lat, na zdrowie, and all of the best wishes for your upcoming nuptials. Don't let them take away from your happiness or your day. You're building a new life, so toss away this toxicity. Don't let it mar the occasion.

Not to bum you out, you dear lucky girl about to marry the love of your life, but that family of yours? You never had one. Family is about unconditional love and instinctive acceptance. Yours was a complete failure on that front. It happens. Write them off, move on. You can't lose what you never had. There's not that much to mourn, either. Just a forgivable, charitable mistake of thinking they were worth a shit. They weren't. You've actually lost nothing.

Dear PPPH: You and your fiancée are going to be unwrapping the biggest prezzie on your wedding day ... that of all the supportive people who are now (and forevermore) your new chosen family (one of the bestest inventions to come out of bio family rejection of LGBT members).

I'm really sorry that those people are shunning you and not even having the courage to be truthful. I think they've all been influenced by certain religionist forces who are now suggesting that bio families can pray for their children ... but certainly NOT attend their engagement parties or weddings. Well, I say piss on them!

I don't know whether you and your sweetie wanted to be walked down the aisle. If you do, then I suggest BOTH of you get walked down by TWO people each ... people whom you respect and admire. That changes the script from "the father of the bride" or "giving away" (ugh) and so on.

they really deserve to be confronted. especially the brother. and have jesus thrown in their face, too. "whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers you do also to me".

stupid fucking republican catholics. i bet they live in cincinnati.

I had a small wedding with less than 20 guests. We had the ceremony in an intimate venue, then everyone went back to our place and drank our most expensive wine throughout the afternoon (if not then, when?), then we had dinner in a private room at a specular restaurant, drinking more really great booze. Those guests still talk about the awesomeness that was our wedding.

When you don't have many guests, you can spend a lot per person and still come out ahead. So we ended up having a great day with the people closest to us, rather than spending five times as much to get rushed through crowds you barely get to talk to. Quality over quantity.

How painful for you. I get it. I grew up Catholic and it's not an intelligent atmosphere to find yourself in. But you did. So good on you. You deserve a great day where you and your wife are celebrated and your love is enlarged through the love of your friends. Families are weird and so often less than we want. It's painful but it's not a defining element of your life. I hope you have a brilliant day. Love, love, love to you both.

Put up the happiest photo you have of your wedding on Facebook - "Great time was had by all."

PPPH, You have done far more than was required to earn the "Take the Higher Road" badge. It won't matter what they do, they know in their hearts how shitty they are.

This is almost the EXACT situation I went through last year when I married my wife. Except it wasn't a wedding that followed a week later, but a Quinceañera (And they even tried to schedule it over our wedding! ). Right before I walked down the aisle I had this horrible feeling that no one would show up. I also heard from everyone that my wife broke down about her grandfather not showing up. But once I saw my wife waiting for me, all of those negative feelings dissappeared. Like it was mentioned earlier, you've started your own family now and the point of the wedding is to share your happiness with others. Just imagine them being there and ruining your day! However, my wife and I made the mistake of showing up to the Quince a week later and facing everyone that didn't come to our wedding. I though we were showing them how strong we were but we were just glared at the whole time and my heart hurt. You'll still feel the pain of rejection long after the wedding is over, but you're going to gain so much more from the people you've decided to surround yourself around ♡ None of them will matter on your special day.

PPPH - it's sad and painful that the family you grew up with is behaving as you describe. They are proving, though, that they don't deserve you. That includes your brother. Let go of the idea that any of them will come to your wedding or even wish you well, and embrace your future with your wife's family and your family of friends. If someone from your family of origin comes round in the future, you can deal with it then.

You know what my wife and I did about the relative who always treated her like shit and tried to poison our relationship? Not only did we not invite her to the wedding, but we didn't even tell her it was happening. That relative is the woman who gave birth to her, by the way (she refuses to call her "mother").

Your wedding, your rules.

@16 yes! Hope you have a wonderful wedding !! Sorry your Catholic family is so assholic!

I have taken a ridiculously long time to learn this lesson. I have held out hope for way too long that my family would eventually accept and support me and my partner the way I wish they would. That impossible hope has led me to compromise my dignity in ways I shudder to recall, has injected a bitterness into my relationship with my partner that is costing us a fucking fortune in therapy, and has left me feeling miserable and alone when I should have been building a life with chosen family.

Don't make this mistake. Grieve what you've lost (even if all you ever had to lose was the dream that they would come around), and emerge from that grief with resolve and dignity and joy in your spouse. Don't call them. Dance and laugh and eat cake with the people who love you.

Oh and congratulations on your wedding. I hope it's a really great day.

I've kind of stopped following slog much any more, but damn, I love you people.

PPPH, there's great people who aren't blood, and blood who are anything but great people. Be with great people: they will not be enough - they'll be WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH. Congratulations, mazel tov, and all that!

@14:
I disagree: there are all sorts of family, and insisting on uncoditional love has always seemed excessive, perhaps because I generally heard it from people who didn't want to experience consequences of bad behaviour---which last, I will speedily add, does not include being queer.

Another home run, Dan.

Sorry to the LW for the trouble her family is causing. I hope she can put them behind her. Like Dan said, unfriend them. Block their numbers, too, so you don't have to deal with the messages they're going to try to leave--they can always try snail mail if they want to get in touch. Much love and ood luck!

I feel for you, LW, and wish you the sort of life that is deserved by someone who turns the other cheek, shows kindness and respect towards her family, and values commitment. A *true* Christian--ie, not your family, but you and your lucky wife. Have a lovely day and a truly wonderful life. It's so painful that your birth family have betrayed you, but there are many others out there who will love and value you. I hope your life is full of those people forever.

PPPH, If you need an old lady from the rural midwest at your wedding, I'm available. I hope that everything works out for you and your family realizes at some point what they are missing.

Is your brother older or younger than you? And how old are you? Because if he is older than you, and you are younger than 40, I would be honored to stand in for him. My brother has recently shown his colors as a jerk, and I know the pain it causes, but that's okay - on your wedding day it doesn't matter. What matters is the people who love you, and will support you and your bride-to-be in every way they can. There's a great Polish saying I learned: "Not my circus, not my monkeys." Your bigoted family will always be related to you, but their bigotry is not your problem. You don't have to sort it out. You be the best person you can be, and let them be the monkeys they want to be. Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Congratulations on finding someone with whom you are ready to commit.

As long as nobody is singing that fucking Adele Dazeem song, I'm good with the sentiment.

I really hate that song.

Dear PPPH, Dan is absolutely right on this. Your awful Catholic family is hell-bent on hurting you, so let go of them completely. Let your fiancee, her family, and your friends be your family now. Let them surround you with all the love and support you deserve. Best wishes to you and your wife-to-be and your new, chosen family. Long Life and Much Love!

Dan is so right on this. Don't call them, LW. Invite more friends, or save the money you would've spent on them to have a great honeymoon, or make the open bar fancier for your friends.

But don't toss your pearls before these swine. They don't deserve you.

And congrats on your wedding.

I can't speak to the LGBTQ experience on this, but Dan's advice is really applicable to anyone with family (especially parents) who decide they can't or won't approve of a relationship.

My dad has always hated my wife, and for reasons that ultimately have nothing to do with my wife, but everything to do with the abusive mom he grew up with.

Anyway, I'm not unpacking that here but just chiming in on the chorus about making your own family when your biological family can't or won't accept your spouse. My wife and I decided it was our day and no one else's, so we got up on a Saturday morning, took the train downtown, did the deed at City Hall with a judge and a witness, and then went to a greasy spoon for brunch. We were home by 2:00 having hot sex; smoking a bowl and watching a movie. And it was awesome.

We are celebrating the 12th anniversary of that day in a few days, and through the years we have dealt with all manner of assholery from family, yet we still maintain what we are, because it doesn't matter one bit what the dumb jerks on the periphery think. We focus on each other, our friendship, our bond, and we don't allow the negativity of others have an impact. Every day is just like our wedding day, in that regard: it's about us and what we want, not what our family thinks we should want or do.

LW has the same opportunity and I hope she and her wife take the chance to celebrate each other and their life together in the same way. And IMO you really do need to see situations like this as opportunities - to get what you want and need - rather than negative situations. Focusing on the down side helps no one and only feeds the sickness of your asshole rekatives. Don't give them the chance to be shits to you. Walk away gracefully and shut them off until they can deal with you and your wife as human beings who deserve full respect and love and acceptance.

Darnit, you SLOG creatures are awesome. And PPPH - I'll bet you and your fiance are awesome too. Much love to you both! Create that new family. Mazel tov! L'chaim!

PPPH, I am so very sorry about your family. I see you strong, resilient and happy, building a family of intention that supports and loves you and all of who you are. You deserve it. Congratulations on the wedding! Let the good times roll!

Interesting juxtaposition of today's letter with yesterday's. In (hopefully more than 25) years' time, this brother will be the one writing sanctimonious letters to the LW's widow. This couple is indeed better off without them at their wedding and in their lives. I'm sorry, LW.

I just want to say sorry. On behalf of all the self important, religious fruit cakes out there that use the name of my God to spread their message of righteous indignation and judgmental pride, I'm sorry. That we have let you all down by dehumanising you. That we have not represented accurately the depth of love that my God has for us all. That we have been downright rude, insensitive and embarrassing. That we have not been a soft place to fall. I'm sorry. Please, try to forgive us so you can get on with your life unhindered. I'm still working on that bit too, they really are insufferable idiots.

PPPH - Congratulations both on your immediate/short-term future and on having chosen better than what you were assigned by birth. There is a definite pang in the idea that you are Anne Elliot feeling that Captain Wenthworth's side of the aisle contains almost all of the merit, and I am sorry for that, but may it blight your happiness no more than it blighted Anne's.

The only new thing I have to say is that, if certain circumstances lead them to think you are open to a reconciliation on their terms, don't let them get away with it.

I'm with Dan 100% on this. Cut these MFs off and out of your life now. Certainly don't call them. Not for this, not for anything ever again. They have made it clear what they think of you, and that they have no desire to have you as part of their lives. Make it mutual.

And remember, you do have family. Your partner's family is now your family.

My partner doesn't speak to his mother or immediate family at all. Only some of his extended family (aunts and uncles and cousins). His mother barely acknowledges my existence, and certainly not our relationship even though his aunts and uncles have made me a part of the family. And guess who we visit and keep in touch with?

But he doesn't miss his mother or siblings much because he has my mother and siblings, as well as my aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews. I would say they try to make him part of the family but they don't try, they just do. As far as they are concerned he is as much one of us as anyone.

So you lose the dross and pick up the gold. The people who respect and love you, and show it, are all you need in life. The rest, no matter how difficult it may seem at first to cut lose, you are better off without.

Very first time I've responded to a LOTD, but had to here. Everything that @1-@5 said, and my sincerest congratulations and best wishes. I married a couple over dinner at the Wedgewood Broiler last weekend and I hope your wedding is as perfect as that one was!

PPPH your letter made me cry. I cannot fathom how people can be so mean to some one they held in their arms as a baby and call it religion. I work with a Sister who is celebrating her Golden Jubilee this year. That's 50 fucking years as a nun and she has proudly attended Gay weddings.
Your family are rotten human beings, and I want to know where you're registered so I can get you the fanciest God damned toaster oven known to mankind.
God I'm so angry.

I bet that the shitty family members are patting themselves on the back for "supporting family values." Fuck their shitty family values. LW is better off without them in her life. They're not just mean, they're passive-aggressively malicious. LW sounds thoughtful, compassionate, polite, and nice, but her family is low, scummy, back-stabby, dishonorable, and cowardly — in a word, shitty.

Fortunately for me, my parents aren't nearly as shitty, but I still get the occasional whiff of shittiness off of them, so when my boyfriend and I get married I'm hoping we can skip all the invitation drama and just get married at the courthouse. In my hometown courthouse there's a filing cabinet with my parents' marriage certificate in it, and I want our certificate to get filed there too because my marriage will be exactly as legitimate, legally speaking, as my parents'. And afterwards we'll throw a big party with all of our friends.

Congratulations! Have a wonderful wedding day [fuck first], and if any of the assholes you happen to be related to do show up, have them forcibly removed. And I second the hiring of a kick-ass photographer, and the posting the shit out of your awesome celebration everywhere.

I don't have anything to do with anyone that I am related to, and I can attest that life can be greatly improved by dropping the shitty people that weigh you down.

The new-age advice here to adults with toxic families tends to be, "Create your own family from your group of friends." It's not bad advice on the face of it, but it's easier said than done, especially with the Seattle Freeze and if you didn't grow up or go to college here. I've found that, often when you reach out to friends in the effort to make them your pseudo-family, they're far too busy with their own biological families. Sure, you might get invited along sometimes to Christmas dinner, but it's rare that you can assume that you have a standing invite. I don't really have an alternative plan yet, but I just wanted to note to any of my fellow "orphans" out there that you're not unique if you're learning that the "find your own family" advice isn't easy to execute.

Dan is right, they're not coming. And you're not invited to the wedding. Even if your brother is sympathetic he clearly doesn't have the balls to stand up and be counted when it actually matters.

Many congratulations - wishing you many years of happiness together. I hope you have a wonderful wedding surrounded by people who love and cherish you.

Dammit Dan (and all the responses above), you're not supposed to make me cry; I'm at work for chrissake.

PPPH, have a wonderful wedding and enjoy your true family, your chosen family.

getting kleenex now.

I feel for you PPPH, and just one other suggestion: Take a moment the night before the wedding, or perhaps early in the day, and spend a few minutes thinking about your family and grieving that loss. I think it's not possible to totally forget about them on your big day -- after all, you will be surrounded by your wonderful in-laws and I'm sure no one could help but to think of their own family in such surroundings. (I also like the taking off a week to grieve idea.) After you've taken a few minutes to get it all out -- shout, cry and scream if necessary -- pledge to wipe them from your mind for the rest of the day. And enjoy this -- the most important day of your life!!

You don't have to gain anyone's acceptance. I bet your fiancee accepts and adores you for exactly who you are. Don't dare settle for any love less than that.

And congratualtions. :)

Dan, THANK YOU! I am crying as I read this, because I resolved my life-long relationship with MY shitty family by declaring that living well was indeed the best revenge. When I reached my breaking point, I did not argue, nor did I accept their veiled negativity about my life. I got up and moved across country without telling anyone, and haven't been in contact for almost 5 years now. (It actually was a test to see how long someone would A. notice my absence, and B call to enquire about me. It took 2 years for that to happen) This has been with out a doubt the happiest 5 years of my life, and it was only possible by telling my blood family to jump off a cliff. Just because someone's a blood relative doesn't mean you have to take their BS. This was without a doubt the hardest decision in my life to make, but I am so much happier without the negativity, the projection on to me of things they read in the paper, and general closed-mindedness.

To PPPH, please realize you are on a one way street with your shitty family, just like I was. Forget they exist, and live your life. Embrace your Gay family as the new family paradigm in your life. You certainly don't need validation from people who do not have your best interests at heart. And last but not least, live well. It's more than any shitty family is capable of . . . . .

Spot on, Dan.

LW, this internet stranger is very sorry your family sucks, and sends you much love and hearty congratulations on your wedding.

The only thing I would add would be to send the brother a copy of this column along with a note, "Thank you for inviting me to your wedding. Oh, that's right, you didn't! Dan, the columnist gave a wonderfully clear perspective of our family. So, your loss is my gain as I don't have to attend yet another family occasion to be looked down upon."

PPPH - Don't look back and lose that SHITTY family.
You have a wife now and her family is great, just think of it as trading up for a better family.

I have a sister that's a rotten cunt and I lost her 5 years ago. Best decision I EVER made. She is never welcome back, I have never felt so relieved to get rid of someone.

Just because they're blood doesn't mean you owe them anything nor have to put up with their shitty behavior. You'll hear from them when they realize you've moved on. Make sure you don't answer. Grieve for the shortest period of time possible and then forget them, they're assholes.

On that note - Have a wonderful wedding and make it your day. Don't focus on the pieces of shit that aren't there, focus on the ones that are there and cared enough to be there on your special day.

May you laugh and love and start your life with a wife and a family that loves and accepts you.

I was at a wedding a couple of weeks ago. The toxic family was present (mom and sisters are awful, dad is questionable but was supportive of the wedding so behaved himself).

The sisters were bridesmaids. I think my friend thought it might help mend the void between them. For one, it might have a little. For the older sister, though -- that heinous woman told the bride on the morning of the wedding that their dad had cancer. (It wasn't a lie -- he does, but he was THERE and had decided not to tell her until after the big day, so it's doubly cruel because that was HIS NEWS, HIS DECISION to make.)

The bride held it together once the ceremony started, so I had no idea about this until she told me when she was coming around table to table -- and the only reason she told me, I think, is because we grew up together and I know her sisters.

Then apparently Big Sis decided she had not ruined the day thoroughly enough, so she told their other sister, who was in from out of town and also hadn't been told. At the head table. During dinner.

Seriously. Do not invite your toxic family to your wedding.

Good for you, PPPH! My best to you and your lovely wife.

Do not waste 3 minutes of your life calling those shitty people . Fuck them. They lose.

"And to know my column helped you pleases me more than I can say, PPPH, but for the record: That out-and-proud, sex-positive, loved-and-capable-loving person you are today? You built her." Dan, you are the shit! Marry me*!

Only s slight exaggeration ;)

Bravo Dan! Yes, it will be painful not to have her shitty family in attendance but her partner's family is now her family and her biological family may, in time, come to realize what shitty assholes they are/were and beg forgiveness. If ever this happens, she should forgive them but until such a time, she should revel in her new found family and her love!

Yes to what the first fifty writers said. Plus this: Take solace in knowing that they WILL regret their bigotry one day, and more importantly, regret how they turned their back on you. We have crossed a tipping point of public opinion, and light will slowly dawn as they see ever more images of loving gay families in the media, in their church, and among their neighbors. They will slowly start to recognize themselves in the TV and movie depictions of ridiculous, small-minded haters. Will they be big enough to acknowledge it and apologize? Maybe, maybe not, but don't block their numbers. It will be delicious if they do -- and I don't mean that in a harsh or vindictive way.
I have several really lovely story examples of this, but here's my fave:

My friend's family had a tradition of giving a deluxe mixer/kitchen counter appliance to family members upon their rite of passage of marriage. When my friend came out, there was much negativity, periods of silence, etc. As a result of slowly being exposed to information and gaining familiarity with people they didn't know were gay (wouldn't have surprised you or me), they softened one at a time. First the younger brother came to visit my friend and went back and reported a great time. THEN A SISTER CAME OUT! When my friend graduated with his Masters degree, his parents came to town to attend the ceremony (he was the valedictorian), somewhat reluctantly. Due to economic concerns, they stayed in my friend's home instead of at a hotel, which had been their original, stated intent. They couldn't help falling in love with my friend's kind, funny, generous partner. The morning of the graduation, they went to Costco to get (okay, this is starting to make me tear up....) a few things for a graduation party, and found themselves in the aisle with, you guessed it -- the very kind of deluxe mixers they'd given other children. The family had a total meltdown with both the mother and father crying and asking my friend if he would accept a mixer of his own as a token of their sorrow for missed years and any wounds. (There's an epilogue about the mother falling in love with a nun some years later, and yes they are still a couple)

Oh I love all those comments. It's so great there are lots of first rate, loving, non-judgmental people out there. And I love Dan. He has done so much good for so many of us, and there will be so many in the future that his words will help.
I'm so sorry about your brother. I can just feel your shock and pain to realize what kind of cowardly person he actually is.
Have a wonderful wedding and a wonderful marriage.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Enjoy every second and please do not call 1 family member. They do not deserve you. It is their loss and it is not about you not being good enough it is about their small minded, so called religious faith that is hypocritical and stupid.

We were at a wedding just last weekend where they intentionally did not invite the bride's mother. I was proud of them since that's a hard decision. But they knew the bitch was a total unrepentant narcissist and there was no reason to have her screwing up their beautiful day. And even better, the bride's father and his wife were there and some true healing of old powerful wounds took place. After 15 years of distrust and anger, the bride-to-be had bravely approached her father and started communications flowing. The father stood up at the wedding and said how proud of his daughter he was and how happy he was she'd married a fine man. So forgiveness and letting go of ancient hurt is also possible if there are open hearts on both sides.
Again, have a wonderful life, LW.

Great advice Dan!

I respectfully disagree with @55: don't send the column to your brother. Don't engage him — or the rest of them — at all.

Which is not to say that they shouldn't all know that they're the subject of a piece titled, "Family From Hell." Just find a way to let them learn about it third- or fourth-hand. Don't give them any reason to believe you care whether they know or not.

@16 hey we are not all republican Catholics! I have lots of lgbt friends ;)

I love Dan's bluntness. It makes the point well. This woman will have a family who loves her, her son-to-be-wife, her new in-laws as well as many friends. She will want for nothing.

It's sad her biological family "died".

I'm so very sorry your family chose to be hurtful. Dan is right, cut your losses. We have two families in this life. The family we are born into, and the family we make. You only have control over one of these. You families bigotry is not your problem. Go out and make a better family.

Yes, yes, to whatever anyone else said. PLUS, your in-laws sound great. They accept the love of your life and they'll accept you! Welcome to a new world of holiday dinners and outdoor picnics and family trips and all that is involved becoming a part of a new way cooler family.

@62 ...Dammit, who's chopping all the onions in here?!

"Just because someone hands you a prickly cactus, doesn't mean you have to sit on it."

Or, I might add, look at it, touch it, or keep it if you don't want.

I have a very difficult relationship with a hostile sister, and the cactus quote has helped me a lot. There's something amusing about imagining myself walking away from the prickly cactus. Now, when I find myself ruminating and feeling frustrated, I can say to myself "don't sit on the cactus... don't sit on the cactus."

I agree, Quit playing their game. Ditch them.

Okay, I think I'll add just a wee bit of snark to all the lovely, fuzzy comments above. Just imagine not spending a second arguing as to which set of in-laws/family you'll be visiting for the holidays!