Wouldn't hurt to try to spice it up a little either. Bring in some leather, buy a swing and a couple jock straps. Have a long talk with Long Term about what turns you on and what doesn't. TALK!

The LW could also choose to have a happy life with Long Term as long as he agreed to allow her to have awesome sex on the side. Open relationship should be on the table here.

@2: Yeah, that was my thought too. Not sure why Dan didn't suggest it even as a possibility.

This is the shittiest thing about American Sex in the 21st Century:

Being Average is Below Average

Interesting viewpoint, Dan. Yes, this could be how that shit works. Some of the time. Impressed with your answer, have nothing to add.

@2, @3 - I think what makes an "open relationship" not applicable at this point is that the other dude is better than he is, at least for her. So it's not like she's saying she just wants a little variety - she'd be saying to boring boyfriend that she needs this one particular guy instead of him when it comes to sex. Talk about a boner killer. It would take a very special kind of cuckold to get into that.

@6: Isn't humiliation endemic to cuckolding? I always thought that was the difference between that and the "hotwife" scenario.

But yes. That probably doesn't work so well with a single dedicated stuntcock.

@7 I think it is, but in this case it would be more like rejection than humiliation...

Half a point to Mr Savage for not spoiling a non-gendred letter. He seems to be teetering close to the edge of playing into giving LW a sense of superiourity that would either kill the relationship or at least make us want it to end for BF's good. (I wish we could summon the temporary man to the stand for some examination into how "good" LW is.)

I'm inclined to agree with M? Fetish's way of thinking, although perhaps it's emphasized in this area - it seems acceptable to settle for partners of average looks, intelligence or other forms of physical skills. Now I'm getting an idea for a sort of fairy tail in which our hero(ine) can only rescue or qualify to wed the prince(ss) [aside to Ms Fan: are "heroine" and/or "princess" destined for the chopping block?] by solving a mind boggling Killer Sudoku in less than one hour - complete with hourglass.

The answer reminds me a little of those insufferable SS couples who insist they will break up the instant either of them isn't the hottest partner the other has ever had, but I don't think Mr Savage is endorsing that mindset. I'm going to stop before I turn this into a variation on the question of whether X would sleep with Y for a million dollars, because I think this letter could very easily find itself on that road.

i love u Dan .. :) such a sexnius ....

@10

a sort of fairy tail

Is that a subtle pun or just a typo?

Both.

LW sounds like an incredibly selfish person who doesn't know what she wants beyond keeping Long Term around to as her back up plan. She needs dumping and Long Term needs a better partner.

Well, no guarantees that the sex would be volcanic in the long term with Mr. Short term either.

I had a refreshing weekend spending times with friends all of whom had been through divorce and re-marriage of one form or the other.

I really feel that being Divorced is the ultimate form of being Single. It means you went into the belly of the beast and came out, somewhat unscathed, but full of knowledge.

Many people don't respect Divorce, or choices similar to it especially those snooty types. Yet, I think there should be more respect for making that life choice. And respecting the status of the people themselves.

If Dan's solution doesn't work right away, break up and keep looking. Don't stay with Mr. Long Term; he's not the guy.

With the caveat that if this same problem keeps happening, then it's probably the "love-sex" inhibition rearing its boring head. But it's more likely that he's just not the guy. Both of you should just keep looking for someone who's actually compatible.

Am I the only one who didn't assume this was written by a woman??

@18 - You and Vennominon @10. To be charitable to the rest of us heteronormative bozos, when it's a gay what writes in, they usually say so. But fair point.

@10 that's Monstar Fetish to you.

We "settle" for "average" looks because for some reason we believe that intelligence is more fairly distributed than looks. They're both equally relative.

There is nothing that is going to make up for amazing sex. Nothing. You havebit with a rare few people..they're not even necessarily te "keeper" people. Don't settle. You're better off on your own.

I think Dan is pretty spot on here! I think that some people if willing to listen and communicate openly about sex can change and adjust. If you clearly tell him how you want to be fucked and potentially give him resources to learn how you want to be fucked then he can learn. If he doesn't want to learn or work on it then dump him! Mr. short term has no strings attached, no bills to pay together, no kids to interrupt you etc. and that can be really hot! Mr. Long term has some of this baggage, to what extent I don't know but it's going to take work to get over these mental hurdles.

Open/poly relationships are definitely an option but if you can't communicate with him about how you want to be fucked then communicating with him about openness is more than likely going to be a disaster.

@LW don't settle. Seriously- btdt. But be clear about what is just shiny and new and what truly does it for you. @4 one person's average may be another person's awesome. Keep looking.

I think @23 brings up a good point germane to this 'why is it all right to settle for average looks but not average sex' question -- sexual performance isn't an objective, unmoving target. Yeah, neither is appearance objective, but sexual performance is a completely different ballgame because it's the result of both partners' preferences and particularities.

The same man can have substandard pacing match and not click kink-rolewise with one woman so she thinks he's not that great in bed, and drive another woman out of her mind on a regular basis due to compatible touch/communication, shared fantasies, great pacing, and sheer anatomical luck. (This is not a made up example.)

You combine that with the fact that some of that isn't just luck of the physical and mental draw, but can be learned -- that same ol' GGG we're always talking about here, and being game to make an effort to learn technique, sometimes -- and yeah, settling doesn't sound attractive. Either an 'average' pairing is doomed never to be exciting, or the 'average' lover needs to demonstrate his willingness to grow in the ways where growth is possible. Neither option constitutes 'settling'.

That amazing, unpredictable, mind-blowing sex won't last. Lots of those thrills came from the novelty. Don't think with your genitals if what you want is a relationship.

@6: "she'd be saying to boring boyfriend that she needs this one particular guy instead of him when it comes to sex. Talk about a boner killer."

Why would s/he necessarily be saying that? S/he might be thinking it, sure, but this is so obviously one of those times when tact is better than complete honesty. S/he could tell Mr Long Term that s/he's met someone else in the meantime, and they really click and have a lot of fun together, in different ways than s/he and Mr Long Term do, and s/he'd like to keep Mr Short Term in the picture as an occasional FWB, and Mr Long Term is welcome to find other partners as well. None of this is untrue.

But yes, work on improving their sex life too, since Mr Short Term by definition won't last.

Another thought. Maybe MAS would enjoy sex with Mr Long Term more if s/he conjured up memories of the smoking hot sex s/he used to have -- or occasionally still has, if the "open relationship" plan is implemented -- whilst having sex with Mr Long Term. Again, s/he has no obligation to tell him so. He doesn't need to know the secret ingredient in their improved sex, he just has to reap the benefits.

It has been my experience that any sex life that needs "spicing up" is never going to get better. There is no substitute for chemistry. You don't have to role play, or dress up, or bring in a third party. It's just that the person is mind meltingly, panty dropping, bed clothes clawing hot that you can't get enough of them. I met that person 15 years ago. If anyone wants to argue that you can't have a relationship based on sex, my partner and I will argue "oh yes you can". The Mr. Short Term flips her switch in a way that Mr. Long Term doesn't. That's just how it is. You can't fix it.