It cannot be said enough. Dear Teacher, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU X BILLIONS.

so...much...WIN!!!

So glad there are teachers like this one. We can't thank you enough.

The teacher could use the student's last name. This is non-gendered, and it has the additional benefit of being a form of address usually directed at boys. I was called "Murphy" by many teachers and coaches; my sister never was.

Parent-approved nicknames? WTF? Why should they have ANY say in it at all?

I remember the first day of class each year the teacher would go through the roll, clarify pronunciations, and ask each kid if they went by a different name. I cannot imagine a follow-up response of "Ok, please have you parents sign this approved nickname form." Gaaah!

One year I decided I wanted to go by a different name (I just felt like more of a Calvin those days) so I did. The world did not end.

@5, I've worked in a school that has this no-unapproved-nicknames rule. The reason is usually to cut down on gang affiliation. Nobody cares if Thomas wants to be called Tom. But the school doesn't want Thomas insisting all his teachers and buddies call him by his gang name, Ice (or whatever).

So while the rule is well intended, and actually does cut down a little bit on gang activity on school grounds, it obviously becomes a problem for trans students. If the principal wasn't a complete asshole, they would make an exception for this student.

@4s suggestion is a good one. Difficult position for a teacher to be in, especially if the parents are hostile to anyone calling their child by his preferred name.
The emotional acceptance of this child is really the most important experience the LW can give, and they are doing that.

As for the LW, it can help if you can find some allies.

I've worked in a school with a trans student before, who, like your's, had disapproving parents. Fortunately for the student, the school was a very liberal one. The principal and most of the teachers were very supportive of the student.

It sounds like you are not in a school like that. But even if most of the staff is not supportive, it can help if you can find even a couple others to back you up. If not the principal, maybe and assistant principal or other administrator? Maybe a counselor? One or two other supportive teachers in the building? Surely you can't be the ONLY supportive person in the entire school. Just being able to commiserate with another supportive staff member can make your life a easier, so you don't feel like you are the only person in the world trying to help this kid.

I also agree with the advice to have a chat with the student and tell him you'll support him as best you can. Define the limits of the support you can provide without getting fired, so the student has realistic expectations. Don't over promise, or that can make things worse. Even if you can't be 100% as supportive as you might like, he will be relieved just knowing you are on his side and that you are trying.

+1 to @4's suggestion. If the teacher has to, they can call all the kids by their last names so they aren't making an exception out of the trans student.

Dan, tell us again why trans activists are always pissing all over you? I can't even imagine them having a better ally than you. And that goes for everyone you stand up for, and every life-affirming thing you represent.

I don't understand the whole Catholic sainthood thing, but fuck them if they don't someday recognize you as one.

A good resource to pass along to the student is the YouTube channel My Genderation, based out of London but featuring blogs from young transgender people from around the world; https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsDRRuh…

Thank you, PST, for trying to be supportive of this young man.And it's good he has classmates who support him and call him by his preferred name. I like the suggestion of calling him by his last name--some people prefer that.

And do let the kid know you've got his back.

Good on LW, the classmates, Mr Savage and the guest expert.

@4 My thought exactly. I'd check with the student first, but it seems a great compromise/workaround.

I read stuff like this and think whoa I had a way different High School experience back in 1977-80. An inner ring suburban city in the great lakes region 3000 students.

It was sometime in 78 I met Vivian/Vic by 79 he was Vic. Yeah it was strange but by no means threatening or disruptive. Vic made much more sense as Vic then Vivian.

Oh I'm sure Vic caught a bunch of shit I'm unaware of and it no doubt helped that his family had a "don't fucking mess with us" rep. But seriously the administration of the school had more serious shit to deal with.

Vic being Vic meh no one really cared and if they did they didn't get a mic.

+1 to the last name thing. I'd also see if I could talk to the student sometime early in the year to say

1) "I'm literally NOT ALLOWED to refer to you by pronouns your parents don't approve and I think that's wrong but it's out of my hands"

and

2) "You can come to me if you are having problems with the school or with other students and at the very least I will try to get you access to the resources you need."

Trans teens with disapproving families have VERY high rates of attempted suicide and other issues - and having even just one adult ally can be a big help. Especially if that ally is able to vet others - find out if the school nurse is transphobic but the vice-principal is not, etc.

+1 for last names, it can be applied universally and no one needs to be singled out.

Good update. I can't remember if I gave the ACLU any cash yet this year, so, yep, time to give the ACLU some cash.

The "approved nickname" rule could protect students in certain cases. It could prevent a form of bullying (at least from a teacher).

I would not advise a teacher to ignore a school policy, even if she disagrees with it or thinks it's unimportant.

Maybe she should make *all* students get a signed "approved nickname" form.

First, let me join the chorus in thanking you for putting yourself intentionally into this boy's life. You are the kind of teacher I always hope my child will get.

Using the young mans last name was my first thought, too. Hell, call him and ALL the boys by their last names and all the girls by their first names. If that doesn't send a clear message, while staying within the letter of the law, nothing will. Maybe while you are at it, adopt a habit of using gender neutral pronouns for everyone.

How about using their first initial? Like Theodore/Teresa could be referred to as "T"? Maybe the parents wouldn't be so hostile to that, or perhaps the teacher could get away with that?

I am STUNNED that any parent would prefer to drive a child to suicide than accept them for who they are. You would really prefer your child was dead than a boy? I can't comprehend...

I agree with #4's suggestion, I was coming here to say that as well. His last name is his name and shouldn't violate the school's stupid rule. The teacher should fight this and certainly let the student know he has an ally with the teacher and can confide in him.

@15: Ain't no rule says a guy can't be called Vivian. I mean, Vyvyan.

Whatever your subject matter is, pick a list of famous/notable people in that subject. First week of class, everyone is assigned a famous person and delivers a brief oral report. They are then called by that person's name for the rest of the semester.

Dr. Einstein, do you need a hall pass?
Where's your homework, Madame Curie?
You've got detention, Oliver Sacks.

Assign them without regard for gender, making sure your trans kid gets a male one :)

Love your Savagese, Dan!

I'm so happy that teachers like this one exist. My son transferred schools to make transitioning easier. We felt that beginning at a new school this past fall would be a great fresh start. He was able to start the year with his name and no one there knows his birth name except for on his school transcripts. He didn't need my permission to use his preferred name. I found out around Christmas time that my son's school is the flagship school in Vancouver, BC for LGBTQ kids! They even have a gender neutral bathroom. My son has been able to get involved with school board policy making for LGBTQ issues as they apply to students and educators. It's pretty awesome stuff.

@25 Wasn't my choice it was Vic's.

Vivian was in that British show, with Neil. Crazy punk fucks. The Young Ones.

@28 Jenny, what a heartwarming story.

@21 (catherine_si)
Your suggestion sounds logical (boys' last names, girls' first names) but only adds to the continuing nullification of girls' identities. Have you ever watched old movies and noted the credits? Let's see (pretend): Tom Jackson, Margaret, Lloyd Andrews, Rebecca. Men were ALWAYS accorded respect with the inclusion of their last names while women - it seems - didn't deserve to use their last names. Well, after all, it wasn't as if they would be using them all that long, as they'd have to take their future husbands' names. In fact, decades ago, they could disappear completely and exist in the custom of the times as "Mrs. -his first name- -his last name-".

Give both boys and girls respect. Imagine John Houseman as a law professor (one of his iconic roles) calling on his students, and including the honorific Ms. or Mr.

May I make a suggestion concerning the use of the name? Simply use all last names in the class. Thus, the student can me Mr. Smith rather than Ms. Smith as the school's policy on given names doesn't extend to salutations. The teacher can simply have everyone in the class room go by their last name, something I think is better anyway as it promotes more formality and facilitates respect.

There's also that hopeful day that *maybe* the parents begin to face this and they make it to a trans-inclusive PFLAG meeting. The national organization has expanded beyond the name to include all LGBTIQQ people, and it's an amazing place for both parents and children to get support.I live in the greater L.A. area and even here, it's hard for trans kids in middle and high school.
This teacher, by the way, is a shining star. Thank you.

This letter made me tear up. It's beautiful when the kids are setting an example for the adults, as to how to treat their fellow human beings.

Here's a "Jayne" who's all man...

http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0003807/

I think I had a transgasm the first time someone started habitually referring to me by my last name. It had had always appealed to me -- military and old-schooI-boys-school overtones. And I think maybe it seemed like the only way I'd ever *not* be actively assigned female every time I was spoken to (for... a decade or so... I wanted to be a physician so I'd be called 'Dr.' instead of 'Ms.' I even got special permission to take a couple of neurology/traumatology courses when I was 12. Yeah, think about that for a second. I was pretty committed.) Even now, I must react well to it, because everybody at work calls me Mr. Roberts whenever they're particularly happy with me or want a favour & although it's a pretty common suck-up for everyone, they don't *particularly* do with anyone else.

What I'm trying to say is: He might just like that last name idea.

I'm a bit late to this party, but I just wanted to point out that, in the Harry Potter series, the teachers called the boys by their last names, and the girls by "Miss [last name]." So if anyone questions calling the students by their last names, one can always say they're just following Hogwarts traditions. :D