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1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
1101 East Pike St. Suite 300, Seattle, WA 98122
Go, if you can possibly afford it. You may have to scale back your creature comforts, you may have to have a roommate. It's worth it. There is life after divorce, even after more than one divorce. Things will get better. You can still be a wonderful, warm, supportive grandmother, a haven for your children and grandchildren. You don't need to be married for that. But this is your only life. Don't squander it on such an unhappy situation. I am living proof that It Gets Better is a phrase that doesn't just apply to young LGBT kids; it can apply to middle-aged straight women in unsatisfying marriages, too. Coincidentally, I just wrote Dan a long letter thanking him for all he and his readership have done to have made my life better. You can do this.
Best of luck!
LW, can you imagine any of the people for whom you are "home base," the rock, the anchor, wanting things to continue as they are if they knew your reality?
You know, this is what I imagine a letter from Mrs. Seattleblues to sound like.
Not only do you owe it to yourself, you owe it to your children and grandchildren. You cannot have a full, vibrant relationship with them as long as you are so miserable, and especially if you are not being truthful to them about your pain. They deserve to know the full you, and to have an example of strong womanhood to follow.
Summon up the courage, do the foot-work, and have life of richness and broad horizons. Do it for your family.
Best of luck.
Guess what LW, kids especially grown up ones, adapt. Well they should.
Leave this man, or take a lover, or visit with a sex worker. Tell him. No point in lying after all these years.
Yes, children want you there as some home base blah blah blah, hey, you've done your yards. Go have some fun. Go get some good loving.
My grown up
Kids freak about me being on SL, that sex site.
Wtf? Am I two years old?
She may currently have her sanctuary in a locked bedroom but she still needs to have free access to other areas of the house. Can she defend herself (in the worst case scenario) in the kitchen, laundry or bathroom? And is it realistic to think that her husband will voluntarily keep his domain clean? I think that an infestation by vermin would be far more likely. Better she seek the advice of a lawyer who has experience dealing with abused women. And some therapy for herself ... to gain a fresh perspective on how remaining with him is obliterating her own sense of self-worth. Still in love? Sounds more like pity mixed with loathing, but she's denying those emotions.
It appears to be a codependent relationship, so you each need to work out why you are putting yourselves through this.
My guess is that your self-esteem must be pretty low if you have already escaped abusive relationships and remain in this one. Being mom and grandma seems to be the only thing that makes you feel valued.
End this marriage now. You should still be entitled to half, so even if that's a tiny apartment it will be better than this. His feelings are no longer important - he has made it quite clear that yours weren't to him - so do what you have to to get him out or to buy you out.
Maybe he will get the help he needs, maybe. But you are no longer responsible for him, just yourself.
The level of dysfunctionality you describe is far beyond what I witnessed with my parents, who simply never made sense as a couple in my mind, even when I was young.
If your kids know about your situation (and they do know, on some level), they want you to put this mess behind you and enjoy your life, regardless of what small inconveniences it may cause them in the short term.
@16 HE shows no respect for HER? Her whole letter is one long litany of how terrible he is and how completely unworthy of any respect by anyone he is, while her shit smells like roses no doubt.
Anyway, they'd both be happier without the other, so whichever one can dump the other first should do so.
LW DTFMA. You're kids and grandkids may be upset, but they'll get over it. Really.
Dan did nail it with his answer.
Despite how many marriages you've had, walk from this awlful man.
It may take some time for you to feel yourself as a strong woman, just be patient. Join some groups etc. come on Dan's sites and join the discussion.
Grown children, they have their own stories and their own work.
When my grandchild was born, I was very clear with my daughter I wouldn't be available to tend her while she worked. Of course I have her overnight, am available as I am available. I did many years as a stay at home mother, wasn't going to become a stay at home grandmother. My daughter sorted childcare,now that child is at school.
I'll always be a back up.
Move away. However you have to do it, just get away from the toxic energy of that man.
"Always do the things you fear the most. Courage is an acquired taste - like caviar."
Also, you don't need to block your husband on Facebook to control what he can see/do with your page. I know FB privacy settings are all but simple, but kids have been using them forever to restrict what their parents can see, and you can do likewise. For example you can create a list of "intimate friends" and leave your husband out of it (see https://www.facebook.com/help/1904162143…) and then make sure that posts you don't want him to see are shared only with the "intimate friends" list (https://www.facebook.com/help/1209394713…). You can see what your profile looks like to your husband using the timeline "View as..." option (https://www.facebook.com/help/2880667478…). If needed, ask your kids to help you understand the privacy settings, this is something you should know anyway if you are using Facebook.
Take care
Your happiness matters and your family will be better off if its matriarch is emotionally well. So for your sake and your family's sake, get happy.
I would also add that you should also lay the groundwork for further separation from your husband in the event that Dan's roommate proposal does not provide the independence you need.
1) Still married but living separately - An aunt of mine was in a not too dissimilar situation with her husband (my uncle) and eventually moved out even though they remained married to continue receiving each other's employer provided benefits. For you that means tracking nearby apartments or rental houses to so that you could get an realistic idea about how much it would cost to move out and how far away you would be.
2) Divorce - Talk to some divorce lawyers, not to initiate proceedings, but so that in the event you decide/find that you need to divorce your husband, you have someone to go to. They can also tell you what you will need to have prepped and ready to ensure an equal division of assets.
Get a divorce.
In a slightly less serious note, this letter reminded me a bit of the situation in this Alice Donut classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EK9S6u5T…
As RuPaul says, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?
But does anyone else see a woman who closed off her husband for 12 years, literally locking him away from being near to her, and then complaining about how horrible it is they don't have sex. It seems like if all she wants is touch, the solution is to not lock yourself away, and try working on communication about his desires and her wants.
But at this point, i doubt that could work. Too much time and damage done.
The only mistake she made was in trying to stick it out - she should have left right then and there. Couple's counselling isn't going to do squat in this situation, and I doubt that he'd agree to it anyway. I've very little sympathy for either of them, really, but even less for him - he sounds like a nasty individual and he should be left to wallow in his own filth. If there were any love at between them at all, it's rotted away by now. All that's left is co-dependency.
Grandma, get the hell out and save your sanity while you're able.
What I can say, as someone who was married to a compulsive hoarder, is that you can't fix this GIDI, no matter how hard you try. You don't owe it to *anyone* to Pyrrhically sacrifice yourself on the altar of your family's needs and your husband's mental health issues. Hoarding is a tremendously difficult issue, even with a partner who wants help. Your husband doesn't seem to be there.
I get it, truly I do. While not having been multiply divorced, I was the child of divorce, and was convinced that I could, like a "Survivor" contestant, outplay, outlast, etc my ex-wife's hoarding. I couldn't. That issue proved to be larger than both of us, larger than our marriage, larger than her love and devotion to our son, and smarter than I ever will be. You can't outlast a spouse's mental illness, when they don't want or won't accept help; to try and do so is a prison sentence.
My advice: get out now. Build some sort of life for yourself. There is happiness, and someone who will love you in the world. If nothing else, you won't be living in hell if you leave. Save yourself.
But living in fear is no way to live; staying in something terrible because you're afraid of what COULD be is a bad reason to stay.
Really, though, you shouldn't have to lock yourself in your room to feel safe in your own home. Leave. Now.
@49: No way is bringing in a lover and going on cruises and having a guest apartment going to fly with this man. She should just leave.
Do you choose to take care of this man when his problems get diagnosed as an illness? Buy long-term care insurance on him if he is not yet diagnosed with something. Make a separate life as much as you can and look on your relationship with him as a place to learn to set boundaries.
Hell, you should have done that 12 years ago when he started doing that shit with your sex life, and I'm generally pro-porn and pro-kink. This guy sounds like the skeeziest creep in the universe if he's even 1/4 as bad as you say, but you use *all* the superlatives of bad relationships. I truly hope for your sake that this is a work of fiction, because damn girl. That shit is fucked up.
LW, both of you have created this mess- it does take two to create a hell realm. Own your own part in this, stop
letting your children/ grandchildren define your life, and as others have said, maybe do some therapy, so you can get some inner strength together. So you can face why you've allowed this situation to continue.
The children can cope, they are young. Just stop being a martyr to what?
Good you found Dan. Good you've begun your transformation.
There is another fabulous advice columnist you should know about. Here is his latest piece, which seems timely.
http://the-toast.net/2015/07/28/ask-bear…
I think you should avoid dating until you understand what went wrong in your three marriages and what changes you must make to avoid a repeat.
You have my best wishes for success.