I am a longtime reader and I'm currently going through a divorce. My situation is complicated so bear with me.
I met my husband when I was 19. He told me he loved me at two weeks and proposed at three. I said yes and, yes, I realize my 19-year-old self was stupid. We got pregnant at four months when he was drunk and didn't put a condom on. I wanted an abortion, he said no. I love my twins dearly and don't regret them but this sets up a regular pattern of me putting him first.
Flash forward three years. We are married, we have two kids, and he drops the bomb that he wants me to have sex with my ex. I married a cuckold. I was horrified at the suggestion. My ex was my ex for a reason. My husband had never given a hint that he was into this. But my husband was obsessed with the idea that my ex took my virginity and, to be totally blunt, that my ex had a massive cock. My husband was small endowed and tended to come quickly. We fought over this for seven years. I did go out with the ex a few times and my husband would be excited but I could never go through with it. I loved my husband and the idea made me sick. I conveyed this to him repeatedly. But in order to indulge him I did agree to some role play.
Flash forward another four years. We were separated. He left with no warning and was giving me the silent treatment. After five months the very same ex, the first guy I ever had sex with, asked me to have a one-night stand. I figured why not. We had been apart long enough that I knew I could do it without getting attached. I also thought it might bring my husband back. It did. When I told him he came over and we had sex five times. He couldn't get enough. He was affectionate and kind and loving.
It didn't last. He wanted me to do it again. I wasn't prepared. I also couldn't just tell my ex that my husband wanted me to do this. I had to lie to my ex and I didn't like that. I ended up coming up with this elaborate scheme and hooked up with my ex a few months later. I said no more after that. It was a road I didn't want to go down.
That's when my husband started suggesting dating websites. I was mortified at the idea of being caught. He wouldn't drop it and finally I went for it. This started 2 years of hell. He liked the idea of anonymous hookups for me, little contact, meet up and have sex. I had never been that type. The first time it happened it was with a strange man in his bedroom, no talking just sex. I felt like a prostitute and cried all the way home. I then had to go and tell my husband how hot it was and how many times I came. (The honest answer was "not once.")
I told him if this was going to work I needed to get to know the guy a bit. He finally agreed. I met this guy "Mason." I liked him, I wasn't able to tell him I was married and I felt awful as I think he really liked me.
We hooked up once and it was good. He texted me again to meet a week later and my husband said it was too late and he would prefer I stayed home. I said I wanted to go. He stated his preference for me to stay again but agreed I could go on one condition: I had to record the sex secretly so my husband could listen after. (I know I'm a disgusting human—believe me I felt awful.) Anyways. When I got home everything seemed fine, he was turned on listening to it, and we had sex three times.
The rest of the question... after the jump.
The next day things changed. He took my phone and texted "Mason" saying it was a mistake and to never contact me. He made me watch him listen to the recording and he cried. He accused me of cheating, he installed a phone tracker on my phone, he said I couldn't be trusted. Naturally I was confused—the rules always seemed to change. I told him he had nothing to be threatened by but he held on so tight. He yelled at me and gave me the cold shoulder. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere alone with my phone and I felt smothered.
A few weeks later I ran into Mason. He was hurt as to why I just went so cold. He offered me a ride home and we ended up going back to his place. One thing led to another and we had sex. I regretted it immediately but it also allowed me to feel like I wasn't my husband's property for once. I never told him. I just tried to put it behind me.
I continued meeting men in an effort to make my husband happy. I was almost killed once by a guy who was driving drunk. Partners came and went and I felt like a dirty whore most days. I also started getting more and more depressed. I started getting obsessed with my weight as sometimes men would comment as I'm not super skinny. My self esteem would go in the garbage and I cried often to my husband that being married meant not having to feel rejected by strangers. He told me to deal with it.
A pattern was starting to emerge. During the initial chase my husband would be so excited, the sex would be great, it would be mind blowing after I did it, he would be loving and kind and affectionate. I would be incredibly happy for that was something I didn't always get. Then it would slow down. He would stop the affection and pretty much starve me of it. He would start asking me to find another man again and I would be reluctant. After months of being in a marriage with no affection or non sexual contact I would cave. Every. Single. Time.
He never got that it wasn't amazing for me. I was putting on a show for him. I learned pretty quickly how to detach while some random man was pumping away above me. I felt empty and dirty and the best part was always going home to my husband. I was racking up a lot of partners and wanted to stop. I was slowly dying inside for less reward as the good part of the cycle was getting shorter and shorter.
The last straw was this guy "Aaron." Aaron was perfectly nice, but I remember walking to his house in an area getting more and more deserted and thinking, " I could get raped and killed right now." I cried the way home.
I demanded a six month break. I was tired and emotionally raw. He was not happy. We fought about it constantly. I feel as though I tried so hard and he deceived me by not telling me about this from the beginning. We did a year of therapy but he refused to let me bring up the kink. I told him he needed to so we could lay some ground rules down to make us both happy. He started pressuring me again after a few months and I said no. I was in and out of hospitals with a serious gynecological issue and sex with anonymous men was the last thing on my mind. He left again. We had sex one night, he told me he loved me, and he never came home. I found out later he was making out with some coke fiend at a bar that night.
Eventually I told him about Mason. He called me a whore and a cheater. I don't feel as though I was. He told everyone about our life and painted me as a cheater. I was shamed publicly by friends and family, I took the brunt of it as no "good woman who loved her man would do that."
The thing I learned was that it was never about me like he claimed. It was about him. And his desires and I was just a prop, he changed the rules often and totally disregarded my feelings. I'm not going to lie, Dan. I'm pretty fucked up over this. I'm unable to have a relationship and casual sex is like a handshake now. I'm also still pretty hung up on my ex for some reason. It's been eight months since he left and I'm still in denial.
My husband met a new woman. At three weeks he told me he loved her. At five weeks she met my kids. And at two months he is living there and the kids are moving in too. I can't wrap my head around this.
Anyways I don't know if you will respond. I am in therapy and trying to get over this. I guess I want your advice about whether I'm a cheater. I've been thinking about starting a blog or writing about this. I think my story could help some people. I look back and try and figure out why I ever agreed to do this. The damage is pretty bad.
Thanks for reading this mini novel. Trust me—I cut out lots and lots of other stuff.
Hurt And Confused
You are not a whore, HAC, nor are you a cheater. You're a survivor—a woman who survived an abusive relationship.
My first bit of advice: stop thinking of your soon-to-be-ex-husband as a cuckold. He's not anything so benign as a fetishist. He's an abuser. He abused you emotionally and he abused you sexually. You might wanna spend some time on websites that list the traits of abusers, HAC, as it will help you see your soon-to-be-ex-husband for exactly who and what he is...
Does your partner install spyware or other computer software to monitor your online activity?
There's plenty more where that came from—seriously, HAC, Google "warning signs that you're in an abusive relationship" and invest an hour reading the results.
Cuckolding is increasingly visible and, it seems, an increasingly mainstream kink—there's a story on it in Playboy this week—and while most of the writing out there amounts to Cuckolding 101 (informative, sex-positive, kink-positive), cuckolding can be an emotional minefield. I believe a man with cuckold fantasies has eroticizing a deep-seated fear (infidelity) in much the same way that a woman with rape fantasies has eroticized a deep-seated fear (rape, obviously). And while many readers have shared positive stories of their cuckolding experiences over the years, I've heard more than a few stories like yours—women who gave their husbands what they wanted, women who gave their husbands what they begged for, only to have their husbands turn on them, berate them, and slut-shame them.
Your husband didn't eroticize his fear of infidelity or his anxieties about his inadequacies—he weaponized them. And part of that weaponization—part of the abuse—was blabbing to everyone he could about the terrible things you supposedly did, aka "the things your husband asked you to do." You have nothing to lose by sharing your side of the story, HAC, including the story of how you were manipulated and abused by this man over a period of many years. He didn't hit with his fists, true, but not all abusers use their fists.
I'm glad you're in therapy, HAC, and I'm so sorry about what was done to you. As for the future...
Many people in the early, traumatic stages of divorce feel so damaged that they believe themselves to be incapable of ever having another relationship, casual or otherwise. But that's rarely the case, HAC. Give it time, give yourself time, stay in therapy, and you will be able to form new relationships.
And I actually think it might be a good idea to start a blog, HAC. You could help other women whose boyfriends and husbands are turned on by cuckolding. Reading about your experiences might help other women determine what kind of man is asking to be indulged in this particular kink—a kinkster or an abuser?