Please, Dan. Duggar women do not use their words and challenge their men.

@1 - they probably don't write to Savage Love either, so I think we're OK on that one.

LW-I wonder if you have ever sought medical treatment for your bedwetting. I was a bedwetter until I was 13. My parents bought me books, brought me to a psychiatrist, got me moisture-activated alarms, nothing helped. Eventually, my mother took me to a urologist, who (non) diagnosed me with a UTI, which was ridiculous. I could not have had a UTI for 13 years. Instead of filling the antibiotic prescription, my mothere took me to her chiropractor. They determined that my spine was out of alignment and causing nerve disfunction. After 6 months of manual spinal adjustments, I went from daily bedwetting to being completely dry.
I feel for you. I remember the shame and inconvenience of wetting, and feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me because of it. Finding out that it was a physical condition that I had no control over was a huge relief. Good luck.
Oh, and DTMFA if he doesn't stop.

Dan is right on. If I discovered something like this about someone I was in a relationship with (or even just a casual friend, for that matter), it might weird me out a little as I grasped to understand it. I might accidentally say something wrong in an inept way. But I'm not an asshole. I would never make jokes about it if I knew it bothered someone.

I've been in a relationship for 25+ years. One of the keys to our longevity is that I never, ever intentionally say anything hurtful. Nor does my partner (now husband). We'll occasionally have a disagreement or argument about something, but it never turns insulting or hurtful. Ever.

If your boyfriend is knowingly doing this on purpose, dump him. He is not relationship material. If he is doing this ineptly and not realizing he is hurting you, he'll never stop unless you say something. If you say nothing and let this continue, you are partially to blame for your own misery and it will eventually consume you and poison the relationship anyway.

LW, something got traumatized for you during toilet training or you have a physiological problem. Either way, go see a Dr and/ or a therapist.
It'll go, you just got to find the source of the problem. If you can't heal it, then wear pads and just go with one of your imperfections.

Yeah, what Dan, and the other commenters, have said. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say and is awkwardly making jokes because.. awkward. Just tell him how you feel and see how he reacts. He might get all sorry and confused and again not know how to react, just say you don't want any more jokes. If the jokes stop, then keep him around... he was trying his awkward best and now he knows better. If not? Find someone else.

I was a bed-wetter until my 20s and suffered from daytime incontinence as well. My mom sought medical treatment for me as a kid, but nothing seemed to help. Then, as an adult, I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis, a relatively common pelvic nerve disorder. Eventually, I found a diet and medication regimen that worked for me, and the bed-wetting and incontinence stopped. I haven't wet the bed in more than two years, and only reach for incontinence pads when I'm going on a long road trip.

There's a simple test to diagnose interstitial cystitis and several viable treatment options (I avoid certain foods that are "triggers," take a low-level of antibiotic to avoid urinary tract infections, and take an antidepressant that blocks nerve pain). If you are diagnosed, I'd recommend meeting with a few doctors before settling on a treatment plan because it's a predominantly female problem and urology is a male-dominated field. I went through three doctors before I found one who really understood and empathized with what I was going through.

As far as the boyfriend goes, I agree with Dan's advice. Some people, myself included, make awkward jokes in uncomfortable situations to deal with painful stuff that's out of their control. But, a decent person will knock it off at your request. If your boyfriend doesn't stop when you ask him to, he's not a decent person. DTMFA.

@7 I just reread my comment and realized that LW could be male. I was assuming female because I'm female and had the same problem. Talk about projection! At any rate, interstitial cystitis affects men, too. Please see a doctor. And if it's not interstitial cystitis, keep looking for answers. There are hundreds of medical problems that can cause incontinence. @3 has some good suggestions as well. My quality of life has improved so much since I was diagnosed. Good luck.

I think maybe I was a bit of a jerk with my Duggar joke @1, and normally I would encourage the LW to DTMFA, but the letter and Dan's final paragraph (you don't want to say anything because you don't want to lose him) seems straight out of Ask Beth. Beth Winship is awesome, but her column is (or was, if she's no longer writing it) for teens and preteens. The problem here isn't the bedwetting, which many people are advising her about--it's the dynamics of the relationship--the LW doesn't sound old enough to be in one. The boyfriend? Well, we just don't know from her letter what kind of jokes he's making to know if it's trying to make her feel better or to make her feel worse.

If the LW is worried about dumping his or her boyfriend because nobody else would want to be with a bedwetter, s/he is so wrong. There are plenty of men out there who can see past surface issues like that and will want to be with someone on the basis of who they are. When I think about what my husband has to put up with it on the physical front it amazes me, but here we are 15 years later.

I'm going to combine the "use your words" and "see a doctor" advice and suggest taking you boyfriend with you when you see a doctor. Everyone in the urologist's office will be used to talking about urological problems in a straightforward way. They won't be joking about it. That in itself might be enough to make your boyfriend see how to be matter of fact about a medical problem.

8-minchi-- I know of no "simple" test for interstitial cystitis. I.c. is generally diagnosed when other possible causes for the symptoms have been ruled out. It's more of a diagnosis by elimination than by test. A urologist may perform a cystoscopy which is hardly simple. Everything else you've said about i.c. and triggers makes sense to me.

As for the psychological reasons for incontinence, well, I suppose, maybe. It's possible that an earlier trauma accounts for it, but if that's not readily apparent, it seems unlikely. What I find more likely is that ever since Freud, when a doctor can't find a medical explanation for symptoms, instead of saying "we don't know", they chalk it up to something "psychological" as their way of washing their hands of it.

@4: "I've been in a relationship for 25+ years. One of the keys to our longevity is that I never, ever intentionally say anything hurtful. Nor does my partner (now husband). We'll occasionally have a disagreement or argument about something, but it never turns insulting or hurtful. Ever."

Just wanted to say this is a very, very good rule.

Another opinion from a non-professional. My partner had occasional bouts with this issue, which immediately ended when he was diagnosed with severe sleep-apnea. He uses a CPAP and hasn't had an issue since.

@10 Exactly. It's easy to get sidetracked by the bed wetting though because the actual problem is much more mundane - "my bf says things that bother me and I don't tell him that it bothers me and so it continues. What should I do?" Definitely sounds like a young relationship.

LW - There are plenty of guys out there who will date you and enjoy your company and whose company you will enjoy regardless of whether or not you ever resolve the bed wetting thing. use this as an opportunity to learn how to communicate your needs in a relationship (for example: "Sweetums, I need you to not make me feel more self conscious about this so please stop making jokes about it") and if those needs don;t get met, go find someone who will meet them.

@13: Agreed.

Teasing is fine (and often fun), as long as it's genuinely affectionate and not aimed at one's vulnerable points. Meanness should not be tolerated.

@12 My gynecologist suggested i.c., a urologist performed a cystoscopy, and I was diagnosed. After 20 years of problems and misdiagnosis, it felt very simple. Anyway, I'll rephrase.

A cystoscopy is used to diagnose i.c. It's a straightforward test, usually performed in a doctor's office. A scope is used to examine your bladder. It is uncomfortable so anesthesia will be used. You might be sore for a few days after the cystoscopy but it is worth the peace of mind of having a diagnosis.

Dan,
I recall a letter you responded to about 12 years ago from the perspective of a guy whose girlfriend suffered from bladder issues. And if memory serves me you directed him to offer support and there was something along the lines of mybladder.com . I wonder if it still exists and if it may offer support for both today's writer and her partner (if he is actually awkward not an asshole)?

Ms Thinking - It wouldn't even have to be August. Good on Mr Savage for giving an ungendred response to an ungendred letter.

I'm going to agree with the Dan and the others: Use your words. Let him know that his jokes make you self-conscious about your problem. If he's a decent guy, he'll stop. He may slip up, so remind him again to stop. If he hasn't after a few months, DTMFA.

And depending on how good your insurance is, do try to see a doctor about your bed-wetting.

@12: "Ever since Freud, when a doctor can't find a medical explanation for symptoms, instead of saying "we don't know", they chalk it up to something "psychological" as their way of washing their hands of it." Truer words were never spoken.

Speaking of speaking words, the lw should say: "hey, when you tease me about my bed-wetting it really hurts my feelings. I know you're just trying to be funny, but I don't think it's funny. Please don't tease me about it any more."

@5. Bedwetting isn't usually a psychological problem. That's very ancient medical information you're working with. It's usually pretty upsetting to a bedwetter if you tell them they must do it because they're *crazy*. You can't control it; you're asleep. Most people have a hormone that stops pee production during sleep. Bedwetters are usually missing this hormone (or there could be other bladder issues at work).

Solidarity, letter writer! I wet the bed until I was 13. I occasionally still do it (once every few years, say). My husband has never mocked me for it, but if he did, guess whose side of the bed would get peed on? His.

at the risk of sounding like yet ANOTHER ASSHOLE i'll quote dr phil

most "jokes" are made in the so called guise of insults...its like asking a question to mitigate when you really mean to mitigate.

no one could be that stupid and dan knows this.

DTMFA

oops correction: its like asking a question to mitigate when you really mean to make a STATEMENT

Two pieces of advice: the first is a link to an education/advocacy group: http://www.nafc.org/adult-bedwetting/
I read the pertinent information, some of which supports what I was going to suggest ... namely that you try modifying what you drink and when (eliminating caffeine, etc.) and keeping a journal of when you have accidents (time, amount). If you don't find relief, the journal will be useful for giving a medical professional information you'd need to gather anyway.

The second thing is that I hope you can stop thinking that every potential partner will have a huge problem over this. If your current bf doesn't cut out the so-called jokes, then please show him the door and never regret it. With new partners, be matter-of-fact. People should be mature enough to take their cues from you. If you need to slip into something protective (a commercial brand of plain absorbent briefs) after sex, should your partner be staying the night, then slide into a slinky top (so you don't feel unsexy). If you're sleeping by yourself, place an extra protective layer on the mattress (can't remember what they're called but women who squirt find them useful because they're machine washable and cost-effective).

You can buy bed wetting pads at any drugstore, or get puppy pads, same thing but cheaper. http://www.chewy.com/dog/wee-wee-extra-l…

22- Thanks.

For the longest time, I thought it only applied to women's ailments.
Ex: Girls with menstrual cramps have trouble getting along with boys or are ashamed of their bodies.
Ex: Just relax, and you'll get pregnant.
Ex: In Africa they just have babies without spending 24 hours in labor and 2 weeks recovering from the birth.

Then I thought of one that applies to men. It's the whole type A personality thing to explain heart disease and heart attacks.

(Note: All of the above are NOT TRUE. There are medical explanations for medical difficulties. Africa has a high mortality rate for women and infants in childbirth.)

For the original LW-- In addition to checking with a urologist, you might see a pelvic floor specialist. It's like physical therapy for vaginal muscles and other surrounding muscles.