I'm home for the summer from college and will go back in a few weeks. I have two little sisters and an older brother who lives across the country. I've always thought my parents had a great marriage, but last week I came home to find my dad tossing my mom around the living room. He found her email address on Ashley Madison, confronted her, learned about affairs, and went berserk. My dad has never been a violent man and has always been in control of his temper. But what I saw last week terrified me. I found a hole in the wall at about the height of my mom's head and the shattered remains of a heavy glass ornament, too, and think he threw something at her before I returned. My parents have both apologized to me for what I saw, and my dad has sworn he will never lose his temper like that again. By some miracle, my mom doesn't have any injuries, and I guess they want me to be okay with what happened because of that.

But I don't think I will ever look at my dad the same again. I don't care what my mom did—and he's definitely blaming his rage fest on her infidelity—because what my dad did was, to me, unforgivable. I'm the only kid who was home at the time, and I have been sworn to secrecy. It's eating me up inside, and I'm scared to go back to college because of what might happen when I'm gone. My parents don't want to talk to me about it, and I'm at a loss as to what to do.

The Ashley Madison Hack Is Such Fucking Bullshit

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I have some advice for you, TAMHISFB, but first I'm going to share something from my past with you.

Once, a long time ago, I threw a glass at my husband. We were fighting. I honestly don't remember what about, TAMHISFB, and what the fight was about isn't important and it wouldn't excuse my behavior that night. I did it in a moment of anger, I'm not proud of it, and I've never written about it before. The glass didn't hit Terry. I didn't throw it straight at him, I wasn't trying to hit him, but that's irrelevant because in the moment he couldn't know that I didn't intend to hit him and the glass could've hit him (and possibly injured him) anyway. That was 18 years ago and I've never done anything like that ever again.

I'm not trying to excuse what your dad did. What your dad did was wrong. Some commenters will immediately (and needlessly) point out that what your mom did was wrong. That may be true—or it may not be true (there are, as I've written, cases where cheating can be justified, although we don't know if your mom's case was one)—but what your dad did was wronger. Throwing someone around in anger can never be justified. All I'm suggesting, based on my own personal experience, is that it's possible your dad will never, ever do anything like this to your mother or anyone else ever again. (It's also possible that the hole in the wall was created not by your mom's head being slammed into it, TAMHISFB, but by that heavy glass ornament being thrown across the room.)

As for what to do about your parents...

Insist they talk with you about this. They have to talk with you about it—together and separately. And you have leverage: What you witnessed was a crime and reporting it is still an option. Go to each your parents separately and tell them—one adult to another—that you can't pretend not to have witnessed what you damn well did witness. Explain to them that you need certain assurances from them both. Is your mother safe? (This is a question you put to them together and to your mother alone.) Are your siblings safe? (Ditto.) What steps are they taking to work through this? Are they in counseling? Is your dad getting help he needs to control his anger? (Has your dad watched Esther Perel's "Rethinking Infidelity" TEDTalk? Insist that he does.) Does your mom have the support she needs? How exactly was that hole knocked into the wall? These conversations aren't about buying your silence. They're about holding your dad accountable and fulfilling your adult responsibilities to your mother, yourself, and your siblings.

As for forgiveness...

What your dad did was wrong. I'm with you. You will never see him in the same way again. Your dad will never see your mother in the same way again, TAMHISFB, and your mother will never see your father in the same way again. Still. I don't think you should, in the immediate wake of this traumatic experience, forever rule out forgiveness. Forgiveness would be an easy thing if it was always about small stuff—small infractions, small violations, small misunderstandings. Sometimes, though, forgiveness is about big stuff and that's when it's a hard thing and, consequently, that's when it's a meaningful and potentially transformative thing.

Forgiveness in an instance like this will come slowly and it must come with conditions attached—getting help (tell them you want proof that they're in counseling), making amends, demonstrating growth—because without those conditions it wouldn't be forgiveness, TAMHISFB, it would be enabling. And domestic violence obviously isn't something you, me, or any sane person would ever want to enable. But ruling out forgiveness now, in your anger, may prevent you from forgiving your father in the future—not when he wants you to forgive him, TAMHISFB, and not when your mom wants you to forgive him, but when you want to forgive him.

Now I'm going to turn you over to the commenters here on Slog—who can be amazingly helpful, insightful, and compassionate (please ignore the handful who are helpless, dense, and trolly). But before I turn it over to the them, TAMHISFB, I'm gonna give you the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE. There's lots of great and helpful information at their website also: thehotline.org.

Good luck—and, yes, the Ashley Madison hack is such fucking bullshit.