Dan, once again, you are so right. I came out to my dad at the exact same time that I told him I was going to marry my beloved. It was at the dinner table, and I took both my dad and my wife by surprise. He looked at me, shrugged his shoulders, and asked if I could pass the potatoes. Later that evening, he told me he just wanted me to be happy, and if she made me happy, then he's happy. I was terrified to tell him, because he's a (now former) military man and had made homophobic jokes in the past, but his reaction to that and his love for my wife has showed me that a lot of that was a bunch of macho bullshit that was all for show, as uncomfortable as it made me. (And yes I did call him out on it.) I am lucky that most of my family has been so supportive of me, and for those who aren't? Screw 'em, they don't matter. I have an awesome wife, the support of my parents, my Busia, most of my aunts and uncles and cousins, and it made the coming out process so much easier than I ever imagined it would be.

That's a wonderful video.

Sweet of LW to be concerned about not having told her cousin the "right" thing, but really, if that counts as a real problem, things have Gotten Better. A lot better.

What am I missing? It sounds like their initial conversation, and subsequent relationship, was loving and supportive. "I know," isn't the most eloquent or graceful thing to say, but I'm assuming it was honest. A lot is in the delivery, but if said with love and understanding it could be exactly the right thing to say. It could communicate acceptance, and that the relationship will remain unchanged as the news isn't really a surprise. [Of course congratulations are deserved for having the courage to make the leap.]

Where's the problem?

Maybe someone can remember where-- and who-- this came from.

The young man and his mother are in the kitchen together. After a fraught several minutes, the man works up his courage and tells his mother he's gay. She quietly continues stirring the stew while she asks him "Does this mean you take men's penises into your mouth and suck until they come and you swallow?"

The man is taken aback by his mother's knowledge and frank summation. "Y-y-yes," he says trying to hide his surprise and discomfort.

The mother steps back from the stove, shakes the wooden spoon to her son's face threatening him with it and tells him "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

Really? That's what you're worried about?

When I was young and just coming out, this is what ran through my mind: "please don't hate me, please don't hate me, please don't hate me," like a mantra. I worried about violent reactions. I worried about being disowned and shunned by my family. I worried about being arrested for being gay (I was in the military pre-DADT). I worried about being alone for the rest of my life.

Your reaction, even if both of you consider it a bit inept in hindsight, is still obviously coming from a caring and supporting person. That, to me, is a major victory.

Even now, after being out for decades, and having lots of practice, I still occasionally say something stupid when someone comes out to me, particularly if it is a surprise and they catch me off guard. As long as you are a caring and supportive person, then slightly bungling your initial response to a surprise confession should absolutely not be anything either of you should worry about.

@4, @6

Yep. The advice to the LW seems like it should be, "Get over yourself."

It's not about how you reacted to the news. It's about how you treat him for the rest of your time together on the earth.

My Mom cried her eyes out and avoided me for 2 days when I told her in the 80's. She got over it fast and quickly became my biggest supporter.

When I came out to my mother she didn't say anything for hours. It was like I'd imagined the whole damn thing. She just didn't talk. And we were in the car on a long road trip so I couldn't leave. It was scary and terrible. It was like I'd told her I was dying or something. I wish she'd said something slightly awkward but basically loving and accepting. Really LW don't worry about it. You did fine. There's nothing to be sorry for IMHO.

My mom reacted just like Dan's brother Billy.
My response was, "if I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have told you."
She adjusted....it took time.

I understand that "I know" is not the preferred reaction, and never having come out to anyone I'm in no position to critique responses, but from the perspective of one who has been come out to on occasion, it comes from a position of caring and being appreciative that there's enough trust in your relationship to be honest about such things. It's awkward shorthand for "I've already accepted this about you and it's not going to affect our relationship negatively, and I'm glad you trusted me enough to share this."

Comparing the "I know" response to something like "Yeah" -- they say pretty much the same thing, but "I know" pulls the focus more onto the listener, and I think feels a little inappropriate for that way. But right, you can only hope this is your biggest problem.

Hey WORST's cousin, a suggestion: if you want people's best self in their responses, you can give them a little more lead-up to your announcement, OK? (Also a Miss Manners protip -- if you want a happy response to your announcement, project happiness in what you say and people will pick it up unless they're assholes.)

14-- My rule of thumb: When in doubt, casually start a conversation with non-nosy questions that leave room for the other person to interpret freely.

Ex: A mousy college student who'd always been interested in medical school announces that she's dropping out, becoming an artist, and moving to a goat farm in rural France in order to make sculptures out of cheese. Her family digests this news and asks "what appeals to you about the area?" Or: "I've never heard of anyone doing that. What gave you the idea?"

Ex: A teenager who's never dated anyone tells his family that he's gay. His mother nods and says "Have you met anyone yet?" Or: "Do you think the ruling on marriage equality will work out well with minimum backlash?" Or: "Did you ever meet Great-Uncle-Billy? He'd have been pleased. There were so few opportunities for gay men in his generation."

In the case of your cousins, if you're sure this is correct, you can say "That must have been hard to admit. I'm glad you came to me."

But mostly I'm going to reiterate what Dan said. Initial responses don't matter much as long as they don't involve punching walls. And there's a big difference between coming out in 1980 and coming out now. A lot of people's attitudes have changed. I cut anyone who's surprised some slack since the person coming out has had months or years to think about exactly what to say. The person getting the news has only a few seconds.

@14

Maybe just something simple like, "Thank you for sharing this with me," and, "How can I support you?"

In your mother's defense, it's a funny joke.

On the very few occasions I have had something to tell people that is shocking or scary and I'm afraid it might alter our relationship if they say 'the wrong' thing, I write them a letter. It both gives me an opportunity to tell it the way I want to, and gives them a chance to get their words together. That may seem too contrived to some, but it has always worked better for me. One doesn't have to mail the letter-- it can be handed directly with a line that I'm available to talk.

When my best friend since 3rd grade came out to me after high school, my response was something like, "Hey, thanks for telling me. Yeah, this isn't really a big surprise, since I've known you from the age of 8. I pretty much knew. I'm glad you're coming to terms with this, and absolutely nothing about our friendship will change, except that you'll be happier."

I don't see this as much more than a wordier version of "I know". Is that really so insensitive?

Yeah, the LW's reaction was fine. He/she's just being perfectionistic or something. Hope his/her friend isn't.

@14 - it seems like there are two basic spontaneous, non-bigoted reactions you could have. If it's a surprise, you can say something along the lines of "oh wow. Really? How long have you known?" etc. If it's not a surprise, you can say something like "you know, I kind of thought so. But thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. That means a lot and I appreciate it."

Or you could just blurt out "I like turtles." That works too.

"one of those new-model queers"

That is my favorite new expression. A Savage classic.

This takes me back to when my brother (older by 4 years) came out in his 30's.
Big Brother: "I have something to tell you"
Me: "Oh no, what is it?"
Big Brother: "I'm gay"
Me: "Don't ever scare me like that again. I thought you were going to tell me something really bad!!
Then we both laughed and laughed and hugged. He told me many years later that my response could not have been better.

It's always awkward. I think the best response I ever got when coming out to a couple of friends was simply "Yeah, we always knew. We love you." The end.

I'm certainly not any sort of expert, but I don't like the answers that boil down to "I already knew." Someone is thinking that he has momentous news of any sort, good or bad, or anything, and the response is "I knew before you did"? That seems nasty to me.

Something along the lines of "Thanks for letting me know, I appreciate that you're willing to share with me" is always appropriate. If they seem really worked up and distressed about it, maybe add something to reinforce their ego like "You're so brave, it must have been really difficult for you to do this," although it might be better to try to minimize and downplay the drama.

Saying "Yeah, we all already knew, it's about time you finally admitted it!" is probably not a good idea because many closeted gay people work really hard to pass (with varying degrees of success) and they might take it as an insult if you flippantly dismiss their stressful experience in the closet. Wait a few days or a few months and then give them a light-hearted ribbing about it, if they deserve one and have a good sense of humor.

To LGBT people coming out, remember that you've had months or years to stew over this moment and how you're going to announce and what you'll say if someone responds this or that way. The person you're coming out to is probably going to be caught off guard, so expect them to respond with something clumsy and don't take it personally if they do.

I think the only problem with LW's language is they repeatedly use the word "meal." Was in brunch, or did you have your heads down in a trough?

My mom, who I'm extremely close to, wouldn't look me in the eyes and sobbed for weeks when I came out. She told me I wasn't allowed to see my girlfriend anymore and changed my curfew to 9pm as a senior in high school. I'm thirty now. Three months ago, she and my dad threw my wife and I an amazing wedding reception in my childhood backyard. My mom couldn't be prouder or more accepting now. I don't spend much time thinking about how she reacted when I first came out. She definitely said and did the wrong things. But I'm grateful that we both had the opportunity to grow in unconditional love and acceptance during that really tough time. Sometimes it's not where you start, but where you end up.

If the worst thing about ones coming out is that you didn't get a standing ovation and a bunch of roses then @3 is right things have gotten better.

I frequently fuck up when people come out to me. Actually, I frequently fuck up when people tell me *anything* a little surprising, whether it's that they're gay, or they're poly, or they're pregnant, or they're moving to Mongolia. I just react badly to surprises of any kind. I've been known to walk out of surprise parties that people have thrown me, because my brain can't deal with the shock. (It's been worse since a head injury a decade ago, but I've always been a bit inept emotionally.)

I think the worst was when I was in my late teens. A guy at school told me he was gay, and for a couple weeks before that a couple of his Mean-Girl female friends, who were almost-but-not-quite bullies to me, had been telling me that he fancied me, and asking me if I'd go out with him. I knew there was some sort of joke in there, but I thought it was just along the lines of "cute popular guy interested in chubby geeky girl," it never crossed my mind that he was gay. So that night I wrote him an email that said, "Are you really gay? Because your friends have been fucking with me for weeks, and if you're trying to punk* me as well, then I think it's really mean."

Sheesh, that was more than a decade ago, and I still feel bad about it. I talked to him before school the next day, and apologised, and we became quite good friends after that, but I cringe when I think of how much harder I made that moment for him.

Five or six years back, I reconnected with a friend I'd known since fifth grade, been close to all through high school, and then lost track of in college. We were both late bloomers in high school, as well as particularly private people, so I never knew he was gay and he never knew I was bi / demisexual. (I'm somewhere in that ballpark. Haven't figured out the details yet.) When we reconnected, he mentioned something casually about how Daniel Craig was his ideal man, and I blurted out, "Oh, so you like guys now?" Then I panicked, in case he thought I meant NOW as in, "sexuality is something you choose instead of something you're born with," which isn't what I meant at all. I apologised, he laughed and said that after fifteen years he was used to my linguistic peccadilloes, no biggie.

And then last year, another friend came out to me, and I responded in what I thought was a good way - I said, "Cool. I'm glad you told me." And then changed the subject. And then a fortnight later, after monosyllabic texts, I asked what was wrong, and he said, "I know you tend to err on the side of aloofness, but couldn't you at least TRY to work up some emotion? This is a big deal for me, and I feel like you don't care!" I thought I was being supportive by not making a big thing of it, and he thought I didn't give a shit about him.

Language is messy and clumsy. I guess people are always going to screw up sometimes, and we just have to keep striving for sincerity and kindness and acceptance, and apologise when we get it wrong, and treat people well day-to-day.

I do like @15's ideas on what to say, though, and will try and remember those for next time.

_____________________

* What can I say, Punk'd was a big thing back then.

When I came out to my mom, she also responded with, "I know." She was fine with it and me. The one request she has was for me not to tell my great aunt, who could be a bit prickly. I did anyway. When I told Aunt Lou, she said, "Do you have a friend?" I said I had lots of them. Then she said, "That's not what I meant," and I told her no, I didn't have a friend. She told me I'd meet someone and changed the subject. :-)

I've said "Yeah, I know" in the past. In my defense, I had no idea my friend was in the closet. This was in college, this was the 90s, and gay boys who went to college during the 90s tended to be pretty obviously gay. He even had his earring on the "gay" side, for fuck's sake! (Yes, this was a thing.) It was kinda like when Brian Boitano publicly "came out" a couple years ago. The whole internet responded with "wait... you weren't out before?"

I've hopefully gotten better about it over the years. But IMO, the most annoying thing about the whole "coming out" ritual is pretending I'm surprised.

I also responded to my sister with "yeah, I kinda figured that out already."

I love the video, but please people -- think of the children. Don't take videos in portrait. Use landscape.

Dear WORST's cousin: Perhaps "I know" isn't the ideal first thing to say when someone comes out to you. But folks have heard a lot worse when coming out to their relatives. Your cousin was probably a bit startled by your announcement, even if s/he knew or suspected on some level that you're gay. Now, I'm a middle-aged straight woman, so maybe I shouldn't talk. But I do know that attitudes have changed a lot since I was a teenager--heck, since I was in my 20s. And a nonchalant "I know" is nothing for either of you to be upset about. Was it a bit awkward? Yeah. But hey, your cousin knows you're gay and wants to be supportive. Both of you should focus on that.

I think (again, I don't have the personal experience so discount me as needed) when you've spent years struggling with your own identity, trying to hide it, or at least ignore it, and trying to find the best time and way to express it, you lose perspective on how big a deal it is to everyone else. I've had a couple friends that I've known were gay come out. In one instance a friend I'd known since 2nd grade came out very loudly and tearfully while everyone was crazy drunk at a college party, and I believe the collective response of everyone there (including another gay friend and the host and his friends, who had not even met him before that night) was something along the lines of "I KNOW AND WHAT ON EARTH MADE YOU THINK THIS WAS GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR ANY OF US," excepting the host/friends who had not met him, who responded with "Wait, you weren't already out? We know, and we just met you." It was not our finest moment, but again, very drunk, and also the host was insisting everyone start to find a way home, so getting back to the dorms was our biggest concern.

I think I personally did better in 9th or 10th grade when another friend (the other gay guy from story #1) casually mentioned his orientation in conversation, and I responded with something like "Aww, so that huge crush I had on you in third grade is never going to amount to anything? Bummer!" and the conversation resumed as normal.

Since college there have been a few more comings out from friends where it's either been completely expected to somewhat of a surprise, but I've managed to avoid responding with "I know," since it negates how important the news is from the perspective of the person telling it, and even if you have known, you don't know the internal struggle they have faced in bringing themselves to tell you. Well.. one of them, who did his official coming out on facebook so he could catch everyone at once, began with "Don't say I know..." and while I didn't say it, I did, years earlier, respond to the news that he was getting married with "Wait, to a WOMAN?" years earlier when a mutual friend mentioned it.

@23 Nice.

My response of "Well, I'm surprised but not shocked" has been received well in all instances and the "I'm surprised" sometimes has meant (to me) that the out-comer caught me by surprise.

"...who would rather have a boo-boo than an ally."

Yep. Seems to be going around this season. Not just queers, but social-justice groups of all stripes (Black Lives Matter, Occupy, Rad Fems finding patriarchy and rape apology in a bowl of mac & cheese, whoever is whining about some petrified Iggy Azalea tweets, Dan's glitter-bombers).

Not that conservatives are immune to getting their panties in a wad ("War on Christmas," anyone?), but it seems the left is more quick to friendly fire.

I guess they got all revved up for war with bigots that turned out to be already on their way out, and now they don't know what to do with themselves. Kind of like the Cold War after WWII. "Crap, all these bombs ready to launch and we've already defeated the enemy? Let's have a tense standoff with a former ally."

My early twenty-something cousin ....? Just say the damned age! My 22-year-old cousin ---What is the problem?