I am a straight woman in my mid-forties. I have been seeing the same man for six years, he is a similar age to me. About a year ago we officially moved in together. There are several problems.

I like to socialize and go out to see movies and bands, eat dinner with friends and family, and take trips away for leisure. He is usually reluctant to do any of these types of activities with me and seems content to spend most of his time in the house aside from work and essentials e.g. going to the grocery store. He almost always refuses to accompany me out socially. He did take me to dinner on my birthday and very occasionally will come to a movie. If we do go out he usually feels stressed and wants to go home early so it isn't really fun anyway.

He will not sleep the night with me in the same bed—we have our own separate bedrooms. He has sleeping problems and is a light sleeper. I do snore, not all the time, but he never sleeps with me. We have not spent one night in the same bed since he moved in. I feel lonely in my bed by myself each night, especially if we have had sex and then he is quick to leave back to his room.

The sex can be really great but is sporadic—could be anywhere from twice per month to 2-3 times per week. This depends on energy levels and how well the relationship is going. We both work long and demanding hours and can be tired at times. He can only orgasm from penetrative sex which is somewhat limiting but I have accepted it. I have not had a problem bringing other partners to orgasm by hand or blowjobs and enjoyed these activities a lot but it doesn't work with him. I do miss being able to do this. He puts in the effort to give me a good time sexually however and is generally GGG.

He gave up smoking which is awesome, but after a few months of being quit took up a nicotine vapouriser instead. I asked him not to use it inside my apartment when he moved in, and he often steps outside, but he does still use it inside when I am not home despite my repeated requests not to. It leaves an odour and affects my breathing as I suffer from asthma. I need to use my inhaler more frequently due to this. I have asked him to consider giving up the vapouriser but he doesn't want to do that.

The final and most significant issue is that he has poor dental health and hygiene, causing at times severe bad breath. He has spent a lot of time at the dentist getting repairs which has made intermittent improvements. He recently got some work done, but more is needed. He leaves long gaps before going to the dentist even when he knows work is due, and waits until the breath is really gross again and I ask him to go which causes a huge upset. He does not seem to get that he needs to brush and floss before sex or kissing. I have asked him nicely to do this but he usually forgets. He drinks several alcoholic beverages every night and this along with the vapouriser is not helping the breath problem. He does not brush before bed and not even every morning.

When we are having sex I have developed ways to avoid smelling his breath (never doing it face to face, keeping my face down when giving oral etc) which detracts from a relaxed and natural experience. I feel so frustrated and ashamed. I have been as kind and tactful as possible around this issue but I have begun to think it will not change. I seem to have developed an aversion to kissing him now; last week he had actually brushed his teeth before he got in bed with me but when we kissed it made my stomach turn. This has not happened before, I think I must have reached a point where I have lost attraction for him.

I have been contemplating moving out into a new place as I do not feel happy. I am not afraid of being alone really, but I feel sad at the thought of our relationship failing after having dedicated so much time and energy to it. Despite the problems I feel love for my partner and I know breaking up will hurt us both. I know my description of our problems make him sound unappealing but he is a kind, loving and thoughtful man who is a dear friend to me as well.

I know the answer seems obvious but I am struggling act decisively. I would appreciate your assessment and advice, Dan. Give it to me straight.

Sickened And Despondent

I'm gonna give it to you straight, SAD, and I'm gonna give it you quick—because I gotta rush home* to watch the Democratic debate on CNN.

Make a list of what you're willing to put up with and what you're not willing to put up with, SAD. Put the shit you'll put up with in Column A, put the shit you won't put up with in Column B. Then set the list in front of him—do it decisively—and tell him that the shit in Column B changes, finally and for good, or it's over.

Personally, SAD, I could put up with his introversion (so long as he didn't begrudge my going out with friends), I could put up with separate bedrooms (so long as he didn't jump out of bed immediately after sex), and I could put up with the frequency of sex (so long as "twice per month" was the exception and "2-3 times per week" was the rule). But I could not and would not put up with the vapouriser or the poor-dental-hygiene-induced skunk breath.

Give him six months to turn the vaping and stinking around (and tell him you're fine with twice-a-month-or-less until the breath thing is solved), SAD, and if he can't turn it around... pull the fuckin' plug. Decisively.

*Full disclosure: I'm rushing to a bar.