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The part I don't understand is why BABE is thinking about this often. Girlfriend isn't pregnant, right? So why the obsession with the possibility that birth control sometimes (though rarely) fails? And why is she having to deal his mixed feelings on the subject? I wonder if this could be a hoax letter, one designed to get everyone arguing about a contentious subject.
but she's not pregnant, and with the pill or an IUD, she won't become pregnant. so relax.
I've known of more than one woman who got an abortion when the man who got her pregnant abandoned her. You'd think she'd be glad she had that option, but instead, she's ended up wishing abortion had been illegal with some sort of weird notion that she'd be happily married with children if it had been.
More reading between the lines-- Is BABE saying that he loses his erection before PIV sex when he thinks of the pregnancy possibility? ("Simply don't know how to get past this thought and indulge my partner and myself sexually", "Complicated my relationships," plural, more than one.) Counseling might be necessary.
BTW Max Solomon: birth control (especially IUD and the pill) can fail. A friend was on the pill and took antibiotics and sure enough she got pregnant. Even Tubal Ligations have a 10% chance of failure. (I assume vasectomies similar.)
Not to mention that giving away a child, even if it's the right thing to do, if often more heartbreaking and traumatic than an abortion.
This isn't to say no one should ever give a child up for adoption, only that it's not this 'magical wand' so many anti-abortion advocates act like it is.
BABE think about it this way: you actually have no real say in whether your GF has an abortion. It's her decision. She can include you and solicit your opinion if she feels like it. She can decided that your opinion carries weight with her or that it doesn't. She can tell you about the hypothetical abortion or not.
You do get to make other decisions though. You can decide whether to have the kind of sex that can create a pregnancy, you can decide to use condoms, you can decide to have a vasectomy, and you can decide to share the financial cost of the pill or whatever other method she uses.
Just focus on the decisions that are yours to make. And, you know, also: get the fuck over the idea that abortion is a horrible, horrible thing. Unlearning some of the garbage you picked up in childhood is your job as an adult human being. Grow up and cut the cord. Let go of the religious dumbfuckery.
At any given moment, there are a half million children in foster care in America.
Not all of whom are available for adoption, true.
But why should a woman risk her life and health to add another child to that mess, when there are a surplus of children who already need families?
Auto accidents can be "a horrible, horrible thing," but I bet that doesn't stop BABE from getting into a car. With careful birth control use, the odds of accidental pregnancy are far lower than getting into a car accident. BABE should get some talking therapy to get over this irrational fear.
And for anyone thinking about socking away a little sperm after a vasectomy, just in case, talk to an artificial insemination specialist first...this isn't a magic bullet that works every time. Better have enough saved up for multiple tries for every baby you want to have (as well as a considerable stockpile of cash, it is NOT cheap.
Either find a girlfriend who thinks like your parents, or change your own thinking.
@ 1, the way you get over how you were raised is you grow up. You learn that life is not as simple as your parents taught you it was when you were a child, and you realize that those same parents knew this, and understood it, but simplified things for you *because* you were a child. Learning this is an essential part of becoming an adult.
And another essential part of becoming an adult, something that should be well understood long before a person gets to the point of partnered sex, is that you don't get everything you want. You stay away from actions where the consequences are unacceptable to you, you take reasonable precautions against unwanted consequences of other actions, and you accept that even so, sometimes life will hand you a big handful of "don't-want-it".
I really hope this LW is very very young.
BABE is taking some heat now so I'd like to offer him some reassurance. While it's horrible to try to deny a woman's right to an abortion, there's nothing particularly terrible about deciding for yourself that you don't care for the option in your personal dealings. Many many women support abortion rights while personally declaring that it could never be right for them. I see nothing wrong with a man talking about this issue with his sexual partners, seeing how she feels, and telling her that in the unlikely event that she becomes pregnant despite responsible use of birth control that he'd rather the resulting baby be put up for adoption, or kept in the mother's care with his full financial and emotional support, or given to him to raise or however it is that he feels. I also see nothing wrong with changing one's mind should the unlikely happen.
It'll be good for them to move past the Catholic (or whatever) guilt into a position where he's treating himself fairly, and later his partner fairly.
I definitely have some imprinting I'd love to shed. Wasting food is a horrible, horrible thing when your parents grew during the depression in working-class households - fried mush at the end of the month, that sort of thing. But for me, here and now, overeating is worse than tossing out some leftovers. Sometimes I can play one bit of imprinting (don't waste money) against another (don't waste food) by rationalizing that however I eat less is cheaper than joining Jenny Craig or having liposuction. And that works. Or just keeping the pantry and the fridge stocked at a lower level (but that bumps up against the "food is love" imprinting). Sigh.
...but when you need 'em, you need 'em. I've only had one of these done, and while I didn't enjoy it, I'm sure as hell glad it was an option; the alternatives are worse. Accounts from people who got divorces or abortions sound pretty similar to my root canal experience, in that respect.
What is this dumb comparison?
Some people get through the first two fine, nobody had a fair experience with a root canal.