I know that family issues aren't exactly your specialty but I am a huge fan of your column and would love to hear your advice. I am an almost 30 straight-ish woman. I have a brother "Ed" in his early 20s who is gay. I knew when he was about 12 because he frequently used my laptop to look for porn. He came out to me when he was around 16. I told him I supported him and that when/if he wanted to come out to our parents I would be there.
He officially came out a few years ago. I'm happy that he is able to live openly. But since coming out he has turned into a major asshole. We were close prior to him coming out. Now he is rude, manipulative, passive aggressive, and lies constantly. Worse, if anyone calls him out on his rudeness he immediately plays the victim/gay card. Example: He showed up at my kid's birthday party high on speed, talked graphically about hooking up with strangers, and then cussed me out when I asked him to keep it rated G.
He lives in a different city than me, so we do not see each other often. In the last year, I have noticed several relatives who live close to Ed distancing themselves from me. Last week, my other sibling told me that Ed has been telling people that we are estranged because I'm homophobic. Dan, this couldn't be farther from the truth. I was in a relationship with a woman when I was his age and consider myself to be an ally. Although I disapprove of MANY of his recent actions, I could care less about his sexual orientation. He is very charming when he wants to be and I suspect that several relatives believe that I mistreated Ed in some way. How can I set the record straight? I can't just say, "By the way I'm not a homophobe, Ed's a liar" in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. Even if I could, I still have hopes that Ed will grow out of this (being an asshole, not being gay) and I don't want to speak badly about him. I also don't want anyone to think I'm the type of person who would disown my brother for being gay.
I'm Sure You'll Make Up Some Clever Acronym For Me If You Respond Which I Hope You Will
Some people are assholes, some people are gay, some gay people are gay assholes.
I've met your brother's particular flavor of gay asshole before: confront him about his bullshit—like showing up to a child's birthday party high on speed and talking about sex—and he'll accuse you of being homophobic. The problem couldn't be that a kid's birthday party isn't the right place to yammer on about the cock(s) you sucked last night—no, no. It's homophobia! Call the ACLU! NOH8!
A quick example from my own life: Years ago I wrote that knowingly exposing someone to HIV was a shockingly immoral act—shameful even—and gay assholes accused me of being homophobic. Now "gay assholes" are not to be confused with "all gay people" or "the gay community," although many of the gay assholes who got in my face about this—"Each us is responsible for our own safety! It's not my responsibility to protect you!", the assholes howled (at a time when there were no effective treatments for HIV and an AIDS diagnoses was still a death sentence!)—nevertheless claimed to speak for "the gay community" while at the same time condemning me for claiming to speak for the gay community (which I didn't do, have never done, will never do). Ah, memories.
Anyway, ISYMUSCAFMIYRWIHYW, you have three options. Confront your brother's bullshit head-on, confront your brother's bullshit indirectly, or let time (and speed) sort your brother's bullshit out.
Head-on would look like this: Call your brother and tell him that you don't appreciate the lies he's been telling about you—it's his assholery you have a problem with, not his sexuality—and seize the next opportunity to raise the subject of your brother's assholery with the whole family. Why not say, "I'm not a homophobe, Ed's a liar, pass the stuffing," at Thanksgiving? Football games, food comas, and family drama—isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about? Or you can confront your brother's bullshit head-on but in a slightly less dramatic fashion: Call your brother and bitch him out, ISYMUSCAFMIYRWIHYW, then call only those relatives you're certain have distanced themselves from you as a result of your brother's bullshit and have a quick, polite, informative conversation with them about what's really going on.
Indirect confrontation would look like this: Make a point of posting pro-queer stuff to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter—I'm assuming that you, like most modern humans, keep in touch with your relatives via social media—and let your relatives weigh what Ed is saying about you (anti-gay!) against your social media (pro-gay!). Maybe one or two will work up the nerve to raise the subject with you.
Finally, ISYMUSCAFMIYRWIHYW, you could let time (and speed) do the heavy lifting for you. If Ed is the type of speed user who gets methy at children's birthday parties, it's only a matter of time before he burns the relatives he's lying to about his meanie big sister. Sooner or later—my money's on sooner—they're going to realize that Ed's the problem here, not you. This option is less likely to produce immediate results/relief, ISYMUSCAFMIYRWIHYW, but it has the best odds of preserving your post-meth/post-asshole relationship with Ed.