And what's up with the relatives who are taking the brother's word at face value?

@1: it's amazing what some people will believe. "Hillary's email is a big issue", "Obama was born in Kenya", "Planned Parenthood farm fetuses and sell the parts on Craigslist". I'd be more shocked that someone didn't have at least one relative who believed stupid stuff rather than the much more obvious truth.

a) I wouldn't give a shit about what the relatives think. They'll find out in time.
b) I too have me this arsehole before. Behaves badly, spends all his money on drugs and alcohol, picks fights with colleagues and bosses, gets fired and then screams homophobia. Fast forward 25 years, homeless and blaming everyone else for his unfortunate situation.

Above should read "I too have met"

Any asshole that would pull this kind of shit on his own sister will soon be found out by all who associate with him (if he hasn't been already). Your friends and relatives know who you are, and odds are they know who he is too. Pricks like this (gay or not) leak their toxicity all over everyone who surrounds them. So the first thing I'd do is tell your brother you are limiting contact with him (not disowning) and tell him why. When he plays the victim, just say, "Not falling for it. Treat me like a human, treat me like your sister or fuck off." Then end the conversation. No debate. If he tries to defame to to friends and family, just say, "Not sinking to that level, no comment." They'll find out soon enough who is a friend and who is a prick, and if by chance they choose him, then good luck to them. They'll get screwed by him before the cock crows.

I agree with Dan's option one, LW.
Ring this charming, or not so, brother of yours and ask him wtf is he playing at? Tell him straight, that he's changed and you miss your old Brother.

I'm with Dan on option 3. If you have the patience to wait it out, his drug habit and dickish behavior will do the work for you.

I would never confront him openly in front of the whole family at Thanksgiving. Just about anyone would get extremely defensive in that situation. But I see no reason why you can't approach individual family members and tell them what you told Dan: You don't care about Ed's sexual orientation, but you do care about him coming to a child's birthday party high and having a very age-innaprorpriate conversation in front of a child. That shit isn't cool, regardless of your position on the Kinsey scale. That you'd welcome him back into your life when he's clean and sober, and can demonstrate he understands the concept of age-appropriate behavior around little kids.

Just waiting for the SJW Tumblr crowd to show up and start screaming about the brother is mentally ill from living in an intolerant world, and how mean the LW is for not letting talk about sex, while high, at a children's part.

I swear I've read this one before, even though Dan didn't date it as an oldie.

Honesty is the best policy. My advice, call him on speaker and have someone else record the conversation. I know, recording without consent isn't kosher, blah, blah, but he may not know how much of an asshole he is truly being. It may be the only way to show him and other family members who, what the real problem is. Play it back for him, in private, at or before Thanksgiving. Really. Ask him if he wants others to know he's "playing" the victim? Are you going to grow the f up and stop being an asshole? You're welcome in my home, at my kids parties, but only if you're drug free, sober, and leave your potty mouth in the car. Do you understand how inappropriate you were at X birthday?

If he wants respect he should expect to give it in return. Honesty is the best policy.

@8: Well, half-and-half maybe. It sounds like little bro IS mentally ill, or at least might benefit from seeing a behavioral health specialist. Sounds like all kinds of flavors are potentially brewing here - substance use disorder (can't even stay sober for a kid's birthday party), personality disorder (selectively charming, blaming everyone else for his problems, idealizing then devaluing his big sis), and if he doesn't already have some kind of depressive disorder, I promise it's on its way. Regardless of how he ended up this way (and I am not one to categorically blame society), he's an adult now, and he's the only one who can dig his way out of this mess. I wonder if the family has approached him about rehab?

Well, now that Dan's responded, how about linking to this column on social media?

@9, I thought the same thing...

The drugs are the core issue here. Don't give up on him, inside is the same guy you have always known and loved, but if he chooses not to seek help with his addictions, it's completely your right to cut him from your life. If this is the path he chooses, let him know that the door is open to him when he's been clean and sober. And there's no reason to either tell or hide your relationship from family members. If anyone asks, a simple 'I can't see someone ai love kill themselves with drug use' and move on. If enough family members see him for what he truly is, maybe he'll get the help he needs.

@8: "Just waiting for the skeleton Tumblr crowd to show up and start screaming about the brother is mentally ill from living in an intolerant world, and how mean the LW is for not letting talk about sex, while high, at a children's part."

Oh look, something literally nobody says ever.

Nobody likes the presence of a Borderline case.

@12 Exactly what I was thinking. There are plenty of gay things to post about, and that sounds fine too, but putting this up would be kind of awesome. Unless she isn't out about being bi/heteroflexible/whatever.

Do I always have to be the one to provide the pertinent videos? C'mon!

"Oh, I get it: I'm not persecuted, I'm just a asshole."

That is one very creepy story you shared, Dan. If I put my mind back to just the very outer edges of Aids, and we were all worried, Lot of sex went down in the 70s...I just feel this horribly fear and darkness arise. It was such a bad time and to think men were not caring about not transmitting Aids, is very hard to hear.

Correction @ 18. Some men.

And horrible. How do I miss these things?

@17 Great clip.

@18 It wasn't that men didn't care if they transmitted AIDS. Back in the early 80s when it first appeared, no one understood what was causing these rare and serious symptoms in young gay men who should have been healthy. When it was suggested that it was sexually transmitted - and the exact cause was still unknown - a lot of anti-gay activists siezed on "the gay plague" to persecute gays and preach on the evils of gay sex. That caused some gay men to refuse to believe that sexual transmission was responsible for the spread of the syndrome and to take precautions.

@18, @22 I just reread Dan's comments. His example is actually from a later period when it was known what caused AIDS but there were no effective treatments. And men who were HIV positive and did nothing to protect their partners were assholes and worse.

@17: Bam! That was great.

LW: Why not just talk to your family about what's going on? Isn't there anyone else you're close to that you can talk to the way you just wrote to Dan? Like this other sibling you mention? You don't have to bring it up at Thanksgiving dinner, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to bring it up over the phone - you're upset about how he's treated you, but you're also concerned about the bad behavior of a sibling you used to be very close to. You may not be the only one.

(Doing speed before going to a niece or nephew's birthday party is the sign of someone headed for an intervention or rehab or worse.)

I'd have thought that an obvious nuclear option would seem to come out. The LW has been in a relationship with a woman; at the moment she rounds down to straight-ish; I'd have thought that rounding up to bi would be equally truthful.

She could pitch it as support for her brother (which it is - it's way easier for queer people to be marginalised when people don't realise how many of us they know) while simultaneously shutting down some of his crap.

There isn't any possibility at all that the older sister might have been an asshole first, and that -- Ed's being gay beside the point -- he might have anger towards her for things she carefully kept out and edited around in her letter? I only ask this because she appears so absolutely perfect in the way she presents herself. It is pitched so completely how stable and reasonable she is, and how rude Ed is, but we don't have much else to go on in terms of her relationship to him otherwise. And she is admitting absolutely no fault or mistakes on her end. Which certainly could be true... or this could be total bullshit, due to the lack of nuance. (And also, the anecdote about the party is sure to win pretty much everyone reading this to her side, though we have no idea how she actually treats Ed otherwise.)

Also, remember that hate crimes (even "small" ones, such as relational character assassination) are often presented as "concern." Who knows what she might have been saying about Ed first before he started acting like a jerk -- we only have her word to go on, and is it completely trustable?

@27, 28 - He came to her child's birthday party and started talking about sex in front of small children. I don't care what she did to him, that was an incredibly inappropriate way to behave. Not to mention, if we looked at every letter the way you propose ("for all we know, she killed and ate all his beloved childhood pets"), there'd be nothing to discuss about any letter, or any basis for Dan to give advice to any LW.

LW: Dan, my boyfriend keeps sticking his finger in my butt, even though I ask him not to.

Dan: Well, LW, first let's consider the possibility that you've actually been asking him to stick his finger in your butt, and not the opposite of that. Second, it's possible that you have been hallucinating your boyfriend's finger in your butt, or that your boyfriend is imaginary. Third, is it possible your boyfriend is a proctologist, and you've been confusing sex with a routine medical procedure?

LW can go for all 3 options at once. I'd tweak slightly the one about going to the relatives. Instead of "Ed's being a lying asshole," make it "I'm worried about Ed's out of control drug use. Showing up at a child's birthday party high and acting inappropriately makes me think this is not a recreational habit but one that's out to destroy him. Help me help him."

I'm disappointed in Dan for treating a speed/meth problem as something that will burn itself out harmlessly and to the LW's benefit. It's like waiting for someone to die as a means of helping you with an etiquette problem. Note that I'm not saying that Ed isn't being an asshole, only that even assholes deserve a little compassion.

@27/8/9: Yup. For all we know, she doesn't even have a brother, and is making this all up. So what?

I hate people who play the victim, and one of the things I hate most is that people believe it.

I don't think waiting is a good idea at all. Manipulative assholes can go undetected indefinitely.

Uncle Leo Syndrome

@1 Everyone uses political identities to cover for their assholery (being not-straight stopped being about sex to everyone but holdout Jonesboroers like a decade or two ago). Good for the goose, good for the gander, as they say.

@27: "There isn't any possibility at all that the older sister might have been an asshole first, and that... he might have anger towards her for things she... edited around?"

Of COURSE he has reasons to be angry at her, and some are probably legitimate, and it's not surprising she didn't mention every past quibble in her letter. I can't think of a living human being who hasn't in some way offended their sibling at some point in time. People mess up, and then if their relationships mean anything, they try to make it up. That's normal.

It's also totally human to edit our stories to match our perspectives. How could one not? At best, we make an effort to thoughtfully consider the other person's perspective as well, which it seems like this sister is trying to do, by not wanting to unnecessarily "out" her brother as an asshole in front of the whole family. We wouldn't want / be able to read a letter that accounted for each character's thoughts and feelings and behaviors, including the context, over the full course of a lifelong relationship - because that is what a well-written novel is - not exactly the stuff of one-page advice columns.

So sure, we are all filling-in-the-blanks with our own imaginary details, supplied from our own lifetime of relationships and observations. But I think it means something that most of us are reading this letter with the sister as the sympathetic character (not saint).

It sounds like the brother (again, for whatever reasons) has become a train-wreck, and has a distorted sense of reality (if he truly believes his sister has gone from being an ally to a villain), and might benefit from someone kindly calling him on his BS, so he can get back on track.

I'm surprised the sister seems more concerned about what the relatives think of her than worried about the fact that her brother could slowly kill himself if he keeps down this path. Please, if you do still care about your brother (for his own sake, instead of just worrying about how he embarrasses you) stage an intervention. Heck, it'll have the nice side effect of clearing your good name with the family.

@33. Yes. I'll remember that :
Uncle Leo Syndrome.. ( ULS).

@36 - exactly, well said! On interventions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzcSllsL…

@27: Yes you are right, we don't know that this is true, but by the same token we don't know it isn't true either. Going on something that isn't in the letter is quite simply making shit up. Why don't you go ahead and write out the letter that you feel like commenting on, and post it along with your response to it? It should be an entertaining read.

In the meantime, who cares whether she's a 100% reliable narrator or not? What possible assholery on her part could justify him showing up to a child's birthday party high on speed and talking about his sexual exploits?

She says she can't set the record straight at Thanksgiving dinner. Personally, I am wondering why the hell not? Better to do it when everyone is in the same room together, and call out the bullshit publicly, than trying to run her own counter-whispering campaign.

"So, brother, how is it homophobic to object to someone -- ANYONE -- showing up at a child's birthday party HIGH ON METH? And how is it homophobic to not like it when someone -- ANYONE -- goes into explicit details about their sex life in front of the kids? If Cousin Bartholomew here showed up blasted out of his mind on vodka, and started going off about all the positions he and his wife Cora like best, would that be somehow homophobic of me to object to?

"In the meantime, I would appreciate it if you stop going around to the relatives assassinating my character. You seem to have forgotten that I was the one who supported you first and best when you came out. I don't care one speck about your sexual orientation, any more than I care about Bart's over there, but being gay doesn't excuse you from being a decent human being."

That sounds like that Thanksgiving will be a blast, Avast.
How does she know he is spreading info re her with the relatives? They may be withdrawing for other reasons.
And the kids don't want Thanksgiving taken over by the adults' stuff..
She needs to front him, now. Then as others have pointed out, make some noise about his drug use, this boy does not sound like he is travelling well. Here is where she could contact relatives. As she explains her concerns she could mention she wonders if he's been spreading stories about her.
If family are really worried, then plan some intervention. Just don't do any of this at Thanksgiving.

LW, I would suggest a variation on Dan's suggestion #1, part 2: Instead of calling the relatives that your brother has lied to, have a family meeting with them in your brother's city. Bring your other sibling along as well as your brother. Then explain your side - just as you have in your letter to Dan. Have it out with your brother and your relatives. It will be more effective if your brother has to face you and the relatives he lied to at the same time. Do it before Thanksgiving if you can and maybe your brother will behave himself for the holiday.

I also think you and your relatives need to tell your brother that he's welcome in your homes only if he's sober and drug free and respects the wishes of those who don't want to be exposed or have their children exposed to X-rated discussions of his sex life.

You can also take Dan's suggestion #2, and post pro-gay items on your social media site, if you have one.

Um.... wtf

LW - if you once had a close relationship with your brother... TALK TO HIM. Don't use any of Dan's options (unless option 1 isn't strictly a confrontation). Use secret option number 4. Your brother sounds like he needs some help... so rise the fuck above this and help him.

I would do anything for my sister... including... *gasp*... talking to her (with no animosity) if she suddenly started acting like an asshole.

@27, 35, 39 et al... Of course we don't know the whole story on any of these letters which leads to speculation, but that's all part of the fun. It's not practical to get the whole novel behind these people's lives, I believe the idea is to share certain snapshot situations and possible solutions and hope some of it might be helpful (or amusing or poignant) to us all as we slog through our daily grind. It's nice when we do get the most pertinent info, otherwise it's just GIGO (garbage in - garbage out).

That sounds like drug use that could seriously fuck up or kill your brother. Please focus on that and let the other aspects slide, LW. Ultimately he has to do the work, but you can help his odds of coming through this okay in the end. I hope he does (or did, after whenever this letter was).

It's a pity the wrong person got a case of the Clive Durhams.

I'd love the input of Sibling #3, even though we have a highly clear main case of inappropriate and dangerous conduct. It would be nice to know, though, which among the guesses that spring to mind first is closest to the truth:

* Sibling #2 is deliberately persecuting LW by behaving inappropriately in her presence while being absolutely delightful in the company of all the other relatives.

* The other relatives, out of wanting to be Good Allies, have allowed themselves to be cowed into accepting Sib2's bad behaviour as natural gay conduct.

* LW is reticent enough about gay issues that Sib2's victim card appears plausible; her support could be reminiscent of Mr Savage's Whispering NALT Christians.

It would be easy enough to construct a novel along any of those lines. If nothing else, I rather like the idea of a group of people called the Whispering Christians; I may use it in something.

@46: I suspect the second and third are true (the first one seems too complicated for most people), but can't really tell. The second one sounds most likely.

I could cut the ignorance here with a knife. It's like none of you have met charming abusive people before and don't believe they even exist. Not all conflicts in the world are mutual.

COULDN'T.
COULDN'T care less.

God, like nails on a motherfucking chalkboard. Does anyone actually say it like that in real life?

@48: yes, most of us have met charming abusive people before (whether they are antisocial personalities or other). and i dont think most of us here are ignorant - quite the opposite in fact. If you're reading my above comment to suggest i'm blaming the sister in this story, i think that is not a comprehensive reading.

I'm saying that she probably has offended brother before (they are siblings, siblings do that), but also that her prior and likely minor offenses are not what really matters here.

Re your comment on how conflict can be only one-sided: well no, not really. If brother was a red hot mess in a vacuum, there wouldnt be any interpersonal conflict to read about. If sister and the rest of the family walked away and ignored beother forever, no more conflict. But they arent doing that, presumably because sister still really cares about brother, and because the rest of the family is duped or doesnt know what to do. Sounds like sister is describing family involvement as possibly perpetuating tbe conflict. Again, sister is a part of this, if only that she has a different values / expectations for her brothers behavior than he has for himself (and good for her).

This seems to have struck a raw nerve with you, maybe reminded you of a tyrant in your own past.

Please dont make gross generalizations about the rather educated and insightful readers here - im constantly learning from these commentators - thanks all.

Ed behaved inexcusably at that party. He's the younger sibling. Wonder who in the family may have given him such a poor example of boundaries. Possibly someone who has to look right about everything, all the time? Maybe someone who's making a lot of insulting accusations to cover up their own stink?

Thanksgiving is NOT the time to air dirty laundry about who's an asshole and who isn't, and why. The meal represents a TON of work on someone else's part to make everything be delicious and hospitable and juuuuuuust right, and using that time to stomp on that person's hard work by bringing out the anger and accusations is unspeakably mean and heartless. Congratulations, interventionist: you just destroyed ten other people's hope for a peaceful dinner and at least one person's many many thankless hours of preparation. I would actually write a letter, on paper, and send it through the mail.

The entire family is likely struggling with the bitter pill of "our sweet nephew/cousin/whatever is a serious mess who could destroy himself and hurt all of us who love him, in the process, and there's not much we can do to change his ways ". It's much easier for them to believe that the sweet nephew/cousin/whatever needs some love and understanding, and maybe he just needs more hugs because no one understands what it's like to be gay, and as we all know from the LGBTQXYZ movement, that it's hard and a struggle like no other. So the OP is trying to confront her brother, and call a spade a spade, and her family is (with relief ) transferring some of their angst about sweet nephew/cousin/whatever, into angst about the OP. In short this is not about gayness at all, it's about family dynamics. And the family and the brothers

And the family and the brother are going to try to drag this mess out as long as they can, instead of confronting it. All the OP can do is stand strong. She can't do anything else.

@msanon #8, sorrynotsorry, the "tumblr sjw" straw crowd doesnt actually exist beyond He-Man-Woman-Hater type forums.

The brother shows up to a kid's party high on speed? Come on. That's addict behavior.
Ed is a drug addict. His sister can take him aside and express her love, her concern for his health, and recommend treatment options. It probably won't work, then she can go to Al-anon, to understand how addiction impacts families.

You gotta confront your brother--and politely correct the relatives he's been lying to. So, "I don't care that you're gay, Ed. You know damn well I was very supportive when you came out to me. I do care that you came to my kid's birthday party high on meth and started talking graphically about sex. That's inappropriate whether you're gay, straight, or other. And the fact that you've had a complete personality change since coming out makes me wonder if you're addicted to meth." (I agree with others, Dan--let's not gloss over his radical behavior shift that very likely could be due to drugs.) If she can have her other sibling and maybe the parents in the room or on the call when she does so, so much the better.

Speed? Kid's party? Weird sex talk?
If anything, the sister seems amazingly blithe and casual about this, just using it as background for his playing victim.

Whether the brother is in or out, gay or not. This is a Big Red Flag. Either he has no control over his use, and is heading for jails-institutions-death. OR he is so recklessly crazy and stupid that he doesn't care about being an out of control asshole at a kid's party.

Almost no one is that recklessly crazy without being an addict to start with.

Honestly, I'm with @17. You need to sit down with him and make him watch it, and then ask wtf was up with being on speed at a children's birthday party.

I agree with those who see the younger sib's behaviours as a sign of potentially dangerous levels of addiction. Drugs and booze are pretty reliable means of turning most people into self-centred assholes.. that doesn't mean that said self-centred assholes aren't deserving of support and love.. the best response would be compassion and concern, with some clear boundary setting. Youth+club scenes tend to = all kinds of partying, and there can be a kind of "lifestyle bleed" into full blown addiction.. perhaps especially because we're not quite there yet, in terms of a gay identity being nothing to sweat over or steel oneself to, in this still pretty homophobic and unsafe culture. I see addiction and other forms of self harm as in part, a replication of society's violence towards an "out group." I'm a bi woman and have had my own journey around self harming behaviours, and I've known many beautiful queer folk who have struggled with addiction.. In my experience, it can be hard to discern the "all in good fun" attitude from the "tribal rites" collapse with potential real drug addiction and alcoholism in queer scenes. Big Sis could park her feelings of hurt and worry around what others are thinking about her, and love her little bro.. maybe seeking to connect with him for a heart to heart and a loving, respectful expression of concern is a fitting first step.