Then again, you can't cure stupid. We made some new gay friends and it transpired that we had a mutual acquaintance. Said acquaintance was a housemate in a rental until he got put on the kerb with his belongings.

While they were out, he got drunk (on their vodka) and stoned. Lit candles, burnt the carpet and curtains and inserted their (from their cupboard) dildo so far up that it disappeared. They come home, three hours of persuasion to get him to the ER. They didn't think that such a long dildo could go that far up.......

If what hetero-porn tells me is true, butt toys aren't just for guys anymore. Of course, the gals may be smart enough to need not be reminded to use a flare.

I've worked in ERs for 8 years now, so I've encountered a lot of hilarity of a rectal insertion nature. But one of the best (and thankfully the least potentially HIPAA-violating) involved a heavily-accented Chinese physician enamored with the newly introduced Siri screaming "BUTT PLUG!" repeatedly because he wasn't familiar with the device and he wanted to show off his (rather accent-unfriendly) new phone rather than let the RNs and techs explain.

@2 I was just wondering about that myself. Sure, ciswomen don't have prostates, but many of us still enjoy butt-plugs. I wonder if by the time a woman gets into assplay, she's waaaaay more likely to have visited sex shops and read up on it than a man? It sounds like men are more likely to just start experimenting with their butts as teens, and go more trial and error?

Martin @2: That jumped out at me as well. Quick Google finds that "men are 28 times more likely to insert objects up their backsides than women are."

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/pa…

Of course, women are 100% more likely to get objects stuck in their vaginas. (Obligatory disclaimer about trans folks and body parts here.)

^ To clarify the quote, that's 28 times more likely to get something stuck in their bums, not 28 times more likely to stick something in their bums.

@5/6 - In my experience that's absolutely true regarding both orifices. Additionally, men have no problem telling hospital staff the real story, no matter how embarrassing, while women seem to fall on the cucumber while making a salad with alarming regularity.

There are times when I feel very grateful I'm not into butt stuff. This would be one of them.

Btw, it sounds from these stories like some people are dumb enough to mistake this advice for a recommendation to put highway flares up their butt. Perhaps be explicit on this point.

@9: I'm pretty sure someone who would read that headline as a recommendation to put highway flares up their but isn't going to be discouraged by an explicit direction not to. We're not talking about the smart, here...

I think one of the reasons women don't get stuff stuck as often is that we are used, from a young age, to putting things - tampons, for one - into our bodies, and know that you need to have a way to get that sucker out.

@4: From what I hear, women put things up their butts to hit the internal parts of the clitoris. Unlike men, they have another insertion option, and are perhaps less likely to go for the risky one as a result. I dunno; I'm a guy who's never stuck anything up anyone's butt.
[cis throughout]

@7: When I lived in Britain, I had a bunch of friends who were nurses. They said men never gave the real story about how that thing got where it did. One example: "I was hanging curtains, stark naked, at 1am, when I fell off the ladder and impaled myself on the acorn-shaped knobby end of the curtain pole." Which he had coincidentally lubed up before he fell on it.

Xilonen03's comment (#7) about women falling on the cucumber is the funniest thing I've read or heard this week so far, and in the top five for the month!!! Definitely busted the laughmeter!!!

it was a million-to-one shot, Doc, a million-to-one.

Several decades ago, a longtime friend of mine did a semester abroad in England. While he was there, there was a legal case that made all the papers about a guy who was arrested for sodomizing a sheep. His defense was that he stepped into the field to pee and the sheep backed up on him. We decided that the sheep was the quintessential example of an "active bottom" and the arrestee was a passive top.

@12 originalcinner - Maybe it's a cultural thing. American dudes seem to have no shame. God I wish I were more anonymous and could say more.

@13 David Holzman - I've got a million more that are even more ridiculous. Again, I wish I were anonymous enough to share them.

For consistency, I'll wonder at LW's choice of the G-word, which, I'll repeat, belongs at Wimbledon and only at Wimbledon.

Xilonen @16: Oh, go on then, don't tease us. Create a new profile and share!

@19 - I can perhaps share some generally good advice which has no bearing whatsoever on things that I have encountered.

Giant dildo + suction = bad news.

Crowbars = always no.

When there's an apple, one should not follow with a potato in a sock.

When your phone sex operator becomes your advice nurse, it's time to stop.

And a couple non-butt related bonus tips:

When you're advised to abstain from sex during treatment for an STI, you should not need to ask if that means oral sex, too.

Please do not have your parent drive you to the hospital in the middle of the night to have you evaluated for TSS unless you personally have a tampon stuck in one of your orifices. I don't care what your girlfriend had stuck where and what activities you engaged in. You do not have TSS.

a broomstick (clearly not flared, or I would not be sharing this story with you today)

Assuming there was a broom attached to the stick, I'd say it was "flared". Only the flare was too far away to be useful.

You *may* be correct @21. Unfortunately, we will never know as only the stick portion of the broom was retained. More’s the pity.

This thread is so much fucking fun.I get to see some fun stuff in my job, but I’m now quite convinced that the legal profession is a huge snore compared to emergency medicine.