It probably will

I'm sure this will sound weird to a lot of people here, but being on the receiving end of oral does little to nothing for me, although a good, somewhat gentle hand job can feel absolutely marvelous. People are different. But when a partner wants to give me oral, because she enjoys doing it, I'm very happy to oblige.

Why should she lie back and receive oral she doesn't find pleasurable (or, in fact, finds slightly displeasurable, since tickling isn't actually a pleasant sensation for most people)? I could understand this advice if LW said face-to-vag contact turned him on like crazy and he wanted to be indulged once in a while, but it sounds like his main motivation is a desire to please his wife.

Wait, Dan, is that a typo? Because the way you phrased that means that if it turns her off or annoys her, she should enjoy what it does for him. I am 99% sure it should be as long as it just does nothing for her, but DOESN'T annoy/turn her off, she can just chill.

@4 I vote for a typo. Being annoyed or turned off is not 'nothing happening' at all.

@3: Yeah. It seems like he wants to do something she likes, but she isn't into the first thing he thought of.

Dear LW: The solution is to ask what she does like, and do that instead.

@2 - yeah, that sounds weird. To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin, blow jobs are proof that God exists and wants us to be happy.

Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don't believe everything you hear.. about ol' Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet.

Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you'll spend the night with us.

Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head.

I once had a one-night stand with a young lady who stopped me as I was going down on her..."I really don't like that" she said. I replied, maybe that just means you've never had it done right and made a deal - give me 5 minutes and if you still don't like it I'll stop. 10 minutes and an explosive orgasm later it was, "OMG, where did you learn how to do that?!" After 10 years, maybe LW needs a refresher course in proper pussy licking. And yeah, @6, every woman likes it a little different, you gotta find out what floats her boat.

LW, if you want to do it because it's a super big turn-on for you, then your wife should accommodate you once in a while. If you want to do it because you INSIST that she should like it, then just stop, and ask her what you can do instead that she will like.

For example, I truly find receiving oral to be a bore. Even when it's good. It's like having a nice relaxing back massage -- in which case, I'd just rather have the massage.

Being on the receiving end of a blowjob never did anything for me until I got sucked off by someone four+ decades older in a game of strip poker. Guess he had enough experience to do the job. I had 20 years of receiving blowjobs at that point (and my first was when I was 19).

@6 Gotta agree. Dude you've been with your wife for *twenty years*, why not trust her when she says she doesn't like oral and ask her what she wants you to do?

@4 hella dudes don't like going down on women, but do so out of respect/reciprocity/etc. You think they should not do that?

@4 - Unless it's been changed, I don't think it's a typo. "But if it truly does nothing for her—"nothing" would include "annoy" and "turn off"—maybe she can lie back and enjoy what it does for you."

I read it as saying that nothing applies to negative as well as positive reactions. Neither would be triggered if it truly does nothing for her. It's rather awkward wording, but I believe that's the intention, rather than trying to say that nothing means something, but a bad something rather than a good, which doesn't make a lick of sense anyway.

My husband doesn't particularly love receiving oral although it's nice foreplay for him. He seems to love handjobs. He absolutely loves going down on me and will do it as often as possible.
I know this is going to be an unpopular position, but I enjoy receiving oral a lot more when my pubic hair has been removed. Maybe that's my stupid hangup, but I deal with it by getting regular brazilian bikini waxes. It certainly provides a lot more surface area to attend to.

He's doing it wrong, Dan, don't tell him to just give up on the poor woman...some women need a firmer touch and the tongue isn't always firm, unless used properly. And licking isn't always a nice sensation when it's too soft, but there are PLENTY of other ways a mouth can interact with lady bits. Some suggestions for readers would've been nice, like maybe bring in an expert, you know, one that understands the variety of touches that could be used on a lady's bits during sexy-time, I'm sure you know people. We give men a free pass far too often for not doing more to educate themselves about women's bodies and how they work, sexually.

@16: apart from the pubic hair issue (let it grow wild and free, IMHO), I am of similar opinion: blowjobs for me? Meh. But going down on my wife? Loveitloveitloveit! More please. It is a point of major symbiosis for us: she doesn't like giving and I don't care much for getting, but she loves getting and I love giving.

Lucky me - I get to object to both the G word and the L word in consecutive threads.

@10 DonnyKlicious if only more people had your skills and levity....perhaps women like me who tend to go numb with oral could/would actually get off. I think of myself as a hard case, but suspect that romping with a partner who embodies your attitude could change my sexual satisfaction forever. Keep doing what you're doing, and consider putting together a workshop for those who love to bring the orally bored out of their erotic shells...Seriously.

@18 ctmcmull: do you have a single brother or sister I can meet? I LOVE your attitude.

If a lady finds oral ticklish, a much firmer touch is probably needed (biting can be fun), and she's probably very sensitive, so focusing on the outside of the vulva is better until she demands you move inward.

Why is it so important to you to do something your wife doesn't enjoy? That's the question we should be asking. Geez. She doesn't have to like it. What she does or does not enjoy having done to her - and if she doesn't enjoy it, you are doing it to her, not for her - IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

Shave.

Or, y'know, it could genuinely do nothing for her. Why are so many people insisting that 'he's just not doing it right', or what have you. Why doubt her words, her experience?

@24...Because that's what we do here...take an 8 sentence letter and try to tease some sort of understanding out of it. We're taking our best guess, and often one explanation is as good as another. We don't really know who's telling who's version of the truth (and they aren't her words - they're his). All part of the fun.

Spidieweed@20, I'll start getting the old tongue muscles in shape in preparation for that workshop. Oh, and did you hear the highway patrol isn't going to give women tickets for speeding anymore? Just going to stand them on their head and give them a good chewing-out.

Kevin @12: It takes til age 80 to learn how to do it properly!?

Donny, Raine: Ugh, what an attitude. I love oral sex (and Busy_Quilting, it is absolutely NOT a "hangup" to want to make eating your pussy as enjoyable as possible, so don't let society guilt you for waxing!) but not everyone does. Forcing an activity on someone and making them feel weird because they don't enjoy something that omg everyone loves this, what's wrong with you?? is simply a demonstration of one's own ego, rather than respecting the fact that people are just different. Donny's attitude, in particular, reminded me of straight men who scoff at lesbians "who just haven't had the right dick yet." (The "right" dick, obviously, being the one attached to the dude doing the scoffing.)

Glad Donny clarified his tongue is at least partly in cheek (partly elsewhere...) but still... not a great attitude.

I've had oral from plenty of men, and most of them (with a couple of exceptions) have been pretty terrible at it. In these cases, it tickled, it hurt; at best it was boring. And, the men I've been with have been too sensitive/defensive to take feedback - no matter how mindfully or gently delivered it just shut them down and killed the mood, or they became too stiff and self-conscious and it just got worse. Unfortunately, some men's egos are downright fragile when it comes to sex. My current partner was brilliant enough to get a book that brought our sex life to the next level. I recommend "She Comes First" by Ian Kercher. I haven't personally read it, but whatever my partner got from that book may as well have been actual magic.

Sounds like my 20s with oral until I met a man who knew what he was doing. Then I had him explain it to me. I'll never have an easy time getting off that way, but damn it is amazing!

@17, yes, he's doing it wrong. Dan, you shouldn't have given this guy a pass without at least encouraging him to improve his skills. Either he's using too much pressure or not enough, too direct clit stimulation or not direct enough, depending on his wife's preferences. I don't blame her, though, for deciding, after 20 years (!), that it's not getting any better. Has he tried simultaneously finger-fucking her? Has he tried sucking vs. stabbing with the tip of his tongue? Has he had a tutorial from a lesbian? Come on, I know you're a gay man, but as others have said here, call in your experts.

@29 don't let "but he/she/it's so sensitive!" be an excuse for not communicating wants and desires. If it turns them off to be told how to do it right, then tell them when you aren't currently fucking. Otherwise the bad head is everyone's fault.

Personally I never liked receiving blowjobs, I could not come from them and the ladies were not enthusiastic about giving them so why bother. But then I met my wife, and found out she was a bit of a blowjob queen who got super turned on by giving. Also i discovered that she liked having her mouth fucked, and that was a whole new world. I don't need to be in control all the time but if I am I'm harder, enjoy it more and have at least a chance to come.

My wife actually asked me if I wrote this letter because she sometimes does not want head, and when she does permit it she does not want to be teased or given multiple orgasms, she just wants to get off in the most straight line possible. In the past I prided myself on giving attentive, creative head for long durations so her not appreciating it was a bit of a bummer as I could not show off my skills or wallow in the tastes and smells and textures of a hot pussy all I wanted to. Recently she hates the sound of people eating food more and more, and this has extended to oral sex, where if I 'slurp' at all or make noise while licking it throws her off. So I make her stick her head in front of a box fan and go to town. If the sex was not otherwise great it would be an issue and I'd be asking for an arrangement to eat some other pussies.

As a person who doesn't enjoy receiving oral, it doesn't have anything to do with technique. I don't like it because the person is too far away and I get cold. It's not enough stimulation and it's boring. I've had plenty of people try and it's just not my thing. So please. Just stop it. When I say I don't like it that means I don't like it.

There is nothing like a clit... Nothing in this world. The sensation can go from not feeling much, to irritated, to painful in less than a micro second. It can also do the blissful opposite, but that's not what this woman is saying. Maybe she feels that saying it does nothing for her, or it tickles, is a nicer thing to say in the midst of lovemaking than saying, "It irritates me." I vote for asking what she does like, and doing that.

I don't like it, I don't hate it, it's just "eh". Not because of body image or any of that, it's just not the thing that gets me going. People are different, focus on other stuff!

Or maybe he could just ask what tickles her fancy as much as a blow job does for him and return the favor that way instead.

Honestly, 20 years together seems like a LONG time to just get around to asking this question.

Hang on, that "tickles" comment just rang a faint bell. Any chance WSF has a moustache?

NatKat @33: Have you tried 69'ing? That might solve your "too far away/cold" problems.

Asking a gay man for advice on pussy licking? #Epic fail#

Dan did ask the experts. Lots of helpful info here:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…

Alison@40. That was hilarious. Dan tried so hard to share all the ways to do it right.
Agree with Ophian and Fan, be clean shaven or at least no sharp whiskers.
The guys in my fantasies always get it right.

@#22 and #28 There's something insulting condescending and weirdly sexist about this attitude. That of course a grown-ass woman couldn't possible know her own body and what she likes and doesn't like in bed. And her partner of twenty years must be an idiot who doesn't know how to fouch his wife

I mean maybe the guy is really bad at oral or maybe the wife just doesn't like it! She's allowed to make that choice. When male posters talk about how they don't like oral no one acts like they're some stupid child who doesn't know any better and just needs the 'right' oral to see the light.

Maybe what will turn the wife on is her husband actually listening to her and respecting her choices.

Msanonymous @42: I disagree, see comments 2 and 7. And also the attitude of some men that teen boys who are abused by women are "lucky," etc. Condescending, insulting and stupid, yes, but not sexist.

Jenny @43: I usually find that anyone who is *enthusastic*, as this guy seems to be, generally gets pretty good at it pretty quickly.

Spidieweed@20: some married fellas have permission to play on other playgrounds, donchaknow? ;)

This is terrible advice! She does something you like, you return the favour by DOING SOMETHING SHE LIKES

@44 The situation can apply to both sexes but we've had male posters here say they don't like head and everyone seems to accept it, this guy writes in about his wife not liking head and the vast majority of posters act like she's spend her entire sex-starved in a cave somewhere.

But it all goes down to what I said about believing people when they say the like or don't like something, and stop acting they're wrong or stupid for not enjoying the same things you enjoy.

@28BiDan - definitely not scoffing, definitely not forcing an unwanted activity. But Reference @29live.small, and in my experience a fair amount of women (especially younger women) have only encountered fumbling, downright poor oral sex. Everyone has their own technique, and I said, "let me give it a try & if you don't like it I'll stop." That doesn't seem condescending to me (and in the case of my true story, was absolutely the right call).

@48 I've helped two 'I don't really get much from oral' guys reverse their opinion, myself.

I think both things can be true: people of any gender can really not get that much from oral, and people who haven't previously can really enjoy it with a certain partner. However, like many good mature both-and answers, that isn't very satisfying as a position and sounds kind of mealy-mouthed. And of course it's better to err on the side of believing people about their own bodies and experiences, especially when we can't exactly offer to rock the worlds of letter writers or their partners to make up for the insult of doubting their self-knowledge!

Donny @48: You do get points for recognising that she MAY, in fact, not actually like it. Sounds like how my mother would encourage us to try strange foods, but allow us to not eat it only if we'd given it a chance.

And you've just presented another reason why dating older women is better than dating younger ones ;)

Personally, I would go with the advice from both Donny @48 *and* Fez @49. Young or old, people can be turned around sometimes. But also important to respect their stated preferences and self knowledge.