I'm a 49-year-old gay professional. I'm a PhD and a college professor. But I can't seem to find anyone who will take a second look at me, much less go on a date. The last two guys I asked out both cancelled at the last minute with bullshit excuses. I think I have a lot of personality and I'm really funny and obviously smart but I'm not handsome in the way that one needs to be at this age to get dates. It's as though a 49-year-old gay man is invisible. It doesn't help that I live in a city where one either needs to be beautiful or rich to catch a dick. I'm neither and I've just about given up on ever finding anyone who will look past superficial things and see the real me. (Unfortunately, I also do the same thing—which makes me a hypocrite, I know.) The dating apps don't help. I'm too ugly for Grindr, not buff enough for Jack'd, too preppy for Scruff. It would be awesome if they had a dating app for academics with acerbic senses of humor.

What the fuck should I do, dude?

Frustrated Unctuous Cynical Knucklehead

What should you do, FUCK?

You should do unto others as you would have them do unto you—meaning, of course, you should make an effort to look past the superficial things you condemn other gay men for failing to look past, i.e. income, conventional attractiveness, dick size.

The key to your dilemma is packed into that vague parenthetical: You do the same thing you complain about other guys doing—meaning, guys who aren't hot and/or hung and/or loaded are just as invisible to you as you are to all hot and/or hung and/or loaded guys. I'm sorry, FUCK, but you either gotta be the change you wanna see in the world—you'll either have to start taking second looks at smart and funny guys who aren't handsome in the way guys need to be to get dates with guys who are handsome enough to get by without smarts or a sense of humor—or you'll have to hold out for a guy who may never come along, i.e. a guy who could take his pick of the washboarded and firm-pectoral'd on Grindr, Jacked, Scruff, etc. (some of whom, it must be said, are both smart and funny) but who chooses you over the buff and the beautiful. It could happen, of course, but the wait could be long, frustrating, and ultimately fruitless.

Before I let you go, FUCK...

I remember reading the results of a study—this was at least a decade ago—that compared gay male couples to straight couples; the researchers compared communication skills, sexual fulfillment, stability, and some other traits. (I tried to find the study without luck, FUCK, but maybe someone reading this will recognize the study and toss up a link in the comments.) There was one finding that really shocked these researchers: partnered gay men were able to be honest with partners who were not their physical ideals—and, yes, about the fact that they were not their physical ideals. (Or, in some instances, not their physical ideals anymore.) Needless to say, this wasn't something they saw in the straight couples they studied.

It seems like the guys in that particular study—a study I can't cite because I can't remember what it was called or who conducted it (but I didn't dream it up!)—might be good role models for you. Find a smart, funny guy you enjoy spending time with, maybe someone who isn't your physical ideal (just as you might not be his), and live together and love each other and think about whatever you wanna or need to think about when you fuck around. And maybe, every once in a while, as a treat, you rent yourselves a handsome and hung guy and go to town on him together.

Good luck.