I'm sure there is an app for Professionals/ Acedemics. There is one for straights. I was tempted to get on it, except Id be lying. Straight to the top, so to speak.
Try being a 64 yr old woman Mr F?
Fuck em, is what I say.
You just got to keep finding pleasure in you, sexually, creatively, etc.
and step outside the looks etc criteria.
Erotic charges between two functioning, happy in themselves adults much sexier than just looks.

I'm having trouble tracking down exactly which study you might have read, but here are a few likely candidates:
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007…
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.13…
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1…
There's a surprisingly large body of work in this regard, I guess.

Perhaps the two guys cancelled because of his extremely negative attitude - always a turn off.

Blaming the whole world for your inability to get a date is usually a sign that there's something wrong with you (other than looks, dick size or money) and that you're not willing to work on it.

Call me.

And may I be the first to suggest BowTied or Twee'd for that forthcoming app.

I feel like this is the letter of a lot of bitter men and women in the world. "Why is everyone so shallow? None of the hot gals/guys want to fuck me!" *facepalm*

Welcome to the gay world. Everyone (almost?) trying to date or fuck somebody out of their league. I don't know how people get through it without their confidence absolutely shredded. Even the buff, good-looking guys struggle because anyone who is on par with them seems to be looking for someone even better and the whole commitment problem comes up.

As somebody who is neither good-looking nor was buff, I still remember the open sneers if I even looked at somebody in a club, not even approaching them. The merciless rejections, the online blocking (90s technology) once they had seen your picture. Scarring.

Still, I have had the last laugh. I shacked up with someone who is younger, good looking and highly intelligent, and weirdly, fancies me rotten even though objectively I cannot understand why. 15+ years later and still going strong although I am just done yelling at him and feel both guilty and angry about a relatively minor thing.

Advice? I don't know how this relationship thing works. I think people know what doesn't work. One thing I know for sure, having "standards" and a long, long list of exclusions will make you single for sure. Ask my 53yo spinster friend who hasn't had a relationship since she was 26, but doesn't see the need to trim her list much - although finding somebody who wasn't divorced and wanted children has been dropped due entirely to biology.

I know it's crazy, but why not try a good haircut and some new clothes, combined with going to a lot of parties/happy hours/conferences for nerds in your field and being flirty with everybody?

Oh, I know this one! You're thinking about the research from a This American Life episode, The Sanctity of Marriage. The researcher in question is Dr. John Gottman:

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-ar…

The two guys who cancelled jumps out at me. Get a friend to look over your texts with them. You may be coming off in a way that you don't intend. I'd guess talking too much and/or trying to be too clever. It's possible that your belief that you have to compensate by showing your "really funny and obviously smart" side is working against you.

@8: Here is a copy of the study in question: Gottman, Levenson, et al. 2003

(@ Lavagirl)- which site would that be, anyway? With all the smart people? Asking for a friend. Thanks! :)

@11. It's for smart Australian people. Tell your friend to whip out that Google finger
-and look for a local chapter.
How kind many here are, looking out for friends.

I think that this is Savage subtly striking at the monogamy-industrial complex...and I agree.

Haven't we seen an endless variety of Love v. Attraction letters? The idea that there is one person who completes you in every spiritual, intellectual, emotional, physical and financial way [let's be honest, the last one is as important as the others] is improbable, from what I have seen.

I'm pretty sure that most of us need a selection--a team--of people to fulfill us. The idea that everybody needs just one person only actually works for a lucky[?] few...yet it is our only sanctioned societal template.

That leaves a lot of people, who might find their happiness with a chosen few--the person [people] they fuck, the person [people] they hitch their wagon to, the friends they share their hopes and fears with, their family of origin or choice, &c.--feeling at odds with the norm, while, I think, they are actually normative.

FUCK: Try OKCupid. Its matching algorithm means that compatibility is presented as paramount. You answer lots of multiple-choice questions -- the more, the better -- and OKC tells you how well you're matched with the other users.

And yes, get some realistic standards. If you wouldn't date you, why should anyone else?

@13. Ophian.
We all like to be loved, do friends ever love us the same way as a lover does? Not in my experience. Something occurs between lovers that is absent in other connections.


Mr F is looking for a companion , someone special to love him and him to love back. You saying this not a valid wish?
I agree one should not be deluded that only one person can satisfy all one's facets.

Truly, FUCK, your odds of happiness would improve if you were to became less superficial and materialistic, but on the other hand you might improve your chance of success by pushing the ethical envelope. Your position on the faculty of Lumberjack Science might put you in much closer proximity to your target audience than most men your age. Just saying.

@6: "Welcome to the gay world. Everyone (almost?) trying to date or fuck somebody out of their league. I don't know how people get through it without their confidence absolutely shredded."

Not just the gay world, I'm thinking. It sounds pretty much like life.

@13: Finding one person who completes you is improbable in any given attempt, yes, but it's not necessarily improbable over the course of a lifetime. It just means having to go on a lot of first and second dates. It's not impossible, it's just that there's no quick'n'easy way, and we've kinda developed a bit of a cultural allergy to solutions that aren't quick or easy.

@4 "Twee'd" LOL.

Not that most academics are really twee, at least not in my experience. But I know mostly scientists, so...

Rejecting all possible solutions is a sign of depression.

Try therapy and/or antidepressants. If you don’t think they’ll work, that’s fine, try them anyway so you can prove me wrong.

Reality check FUCK. 2 guys canceled and it's a trend? People are busy and you may get 10 guys canceling. Grindr & Scruff are more about sex now. Tinder has a gay section now and is about sex + dating. OK cupid is more about dates & LTRs.

Are you a liberal who detests capitalism? Try theguardian.com dating, they have a US section.

You say you live some place where everyone is chasing rich. Sounds like a city. Cities have gay social clubs around every conceivable interest / activity. Plenty of average-looking guys there who are interesting personalities too. Face2Face is a good idea for LTRs.

Are you an adjunct professor? Then you're shit poor and can feel sorry for yourself.

Are you a full time professor? buck up -- you probably make a median income or higher, have good benefits, job stability, a good amount of vacation, and better retirement matching than most corporations. Not the 1% but not too shabby even by big city standards.

Dude, what are you looking for, exactly? Because if you're looking for a relationship, Dan is right - move past purely superficial, but also get off the websites designed to just get you laid. Try chemistry. The dating site, I mean. Or compatible partners - I didn't like that one, but other people do. Even match. But even if you find an attractive person for more than just one date? Get over the hypocrisy. No one is saying you have to date someone you find entirely unattractive - but maybe widen your acceptable options a bit.

And dude, you have to be patient and persistent (without being creepy/aggressive). I've had people cancel on me multiple times and gave them another chance and turns out they were into me after all but just crazy busy. And vice-versa. Also, if you're in LA, remember the LA "no", people say yes when they mean no.

If you want to catch dick, then pay for it. That simple. Now if you want to enjoy time and share experiences with people, eventually finding that someone, then keep at it. Just don't snub those that don't have the dick that turns your crank. It's self defeating.

Speaking as a formerly beautiful person, the LW's attitude is a turnoff to the hotties as well. It suggests entitlement--why do you think you deserve a beautiful partner? Also, I found it annoying that they were chasing me for superficial reasons, yet I would be chastised as shallow for taking their looks into account. And if you overlook the plain and irritate the beautiful, that leaves you alone.

Eudaemonic @17, people change over decades, so even if you find someone who completes you in your 20s, the odds are very low they'll complete you (and vice versa) in your 50s.

Ophian @13 is right that we'd be better off if society didn't push the "one soulmate" idea so much.

@25: The person who worked out for me in my 20s seems to be working fine as a partner in my 30s. Why is that more likely to change in the next two decades than it was in the last two?

Keeping in mine that a) the last two decades are far more change-intensive than the rest are likely to be, and b) my life experience is more common than the alternative.

There are people who change in ways that make them incompatible with a partner who's a decent fit. Those people are unusual. Currently, our society pushes ideas that work for the usual more than for the unusual--giving advice that is more likely to work, rather than advice that is less likely to work. Are you saying we should change this?

Most advice will go to normal people, because that's what there are. Why would "we" be better off if society was more poorly adapted for the people in it? Who's "we?"

That's like saying "Some people are very very tall. Therefore, for their convenience, stairs, counters, and tables should all be made much too tall for the rest of us to use." No.

"Stop making normal-sized tables" is not a plan that will actually create a world where everyone's table is the most convenient size.

@26, as someone in her 40s, who sees lots of divorces around me of people who got married in their twenties, I just have a different perspective.

The marriages where people open up so one person can get kink or sex elsewhere seem to have found a decent way through what is often a problem in midlife.

edit @27: so one person (or both) can get kink or sex elsewhere

Also, a lot of marriages that don't explicitly open up still end up with one spouse seeking kink or sex elsewhere, and just not revealing that openly.

@8 and @10, and here's the transcript from that part of the show...

Gottman and a researcher named Bob Levenson have also done a 12-year study of homosexual couples. There were just 42 couples-- a small study for Gottman, who usually gets 130 couples of races and ages to match the demographics of Seattle.

John Gottman

In fact, we've just submitted a research grant application to do that study over again with a larger sample size where we would try to get representative sampling. It's just that it's hard to get funded to do research on gay and lesbian relationships. The government is really not positively disposed to doing that research, and in fact, if you say "gay and lesbian" it will be pulled. It won't even be reviewed by the government. It will get pulled. There are these watchdog organizations.

Ira Glass

So how do you say it?

John Gottman

You talk about commitment in same-sex relationships.

Ira Glass

But why wouldn't they just notice that same-sex means the same thing?

John Gottman

It turns out they have these computer programs that scan the abstracts for keywords.

Ira Glass

I see.

John Gottman

And if you don't use those keywords, then they don't get picked up.

Ira Glass

Well, I hope I'm not blowing your cover here by broadcasting this.

John Gottman

Well, that's the kind of climate in which we're working.

Ira Glass

The study looked at 21 lesbian couples and 21 gay male couples, and compared them to 42 straight marriages of the same length of relationship and relationship satisfaction, as measured on a questionnaire. The researchers videotaped the couples talking about some issue that they conflict about. And they found that the homosexual couples were far better than the married heterosexual couples at bringing up an issue in a non-confrontational way, of listening when criticized. They were less defensive. They were more positive.

John Gottman

The other thing we were able to do with our mathematical modeling was to find that not only do they start differently, but also the influence process in the married couple really moves them toward a more negative direction. The longer they talk to each other, the more angry they get, the more adversarial they tend to get. But in gay and lesbian couples, it's the opposite. The longer they talk about the issue, the closer they get and the more positive they become. So a very, very different process operating in the gay and lesbian couples we studied.

Now if they're representative, then we heterosexuals have got a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships.

Ira Glass

But John, the gay couples and the lesbian couples that you're talking about-- they're simply as good as the very best couples in your heterosexual couples? Or you're saying they're even better than them?

John Gottman

They're even better than them.

Ira Glass

Really?

John Gottman

I mean, when you listen to the tapes, it's unbelievable what they're like. I'll give you an example of this. One gay man said to his partner, "What did you think about the sex this morning? Who do you think initiated the sex this morning?" And his partner said, "Well, you don't really have the kind of body on a man that I find really the most attractive." And the first man said, "I know that. But who do you think initiated sex this morning?"

Now can you imagine a husband--

Ira Glass

Oh, my God.

John Gottman

--talking to his wife, right?

Ira Glass

And saying, "You don't have the kind of body that I find attractive."

John Gottman

That's right. Can you imagine her saying, "Yeah, I know that. But who do you think initiated sex?" So there's so much less deception, so much more honesty, and so much more directness. And I don't know if it's representative. But I was very impressed.

Ira Glass

Gottman still can't explain why the gay couples would be so different. He thinks part of the reason might be that, in general, it's just easier for men to talk to men and women to talk to women. The fact that they communicate so differently makes things harder in heterosexual couples.

Back when I started calling around to marriage researchers, I expected that as a group they would be people who think a lot about our country's 50% divorce rate, like the divorce rate is the Mount Everest that they're all aiming at not just assaulting, but ultimately blasting down into rubble. But in fact, every researcher I called was reluctant to speculate about what all this new research could mean for the divorce rate someday. Could they get it down to 30%? Or maybe 10%? It's just too early to know, they would say.

After some prodding, I did get Gottman to tell me that a significant portion, 15% to 20% of the troubled couples in one of his studies probably were people who should be divorced. Even before their marriages, he said, they never had a basic rapport where they could spend time together easily and comfortably, where conversation just flowed. For everything this research shows about how people can prevent divorce, for everything that it shows about how much happier couples can be if they master certain communication skills, for everything that he can quantify with his video cameras and his heart monitors, in the end, John Gottman still believes in chemistry.

@27: I interact with a fair number of people in their 50s and 60s, and almost all of them are married and almost none of them have been divorced. But that's all anecdata.

The actual statistics say that marriages tend to be permanent; the 50% divorce-rate figure is basically crap for anyone who's trying to use it to predict the failure rate of someone's first marriage.

I mean, yes, deaf people exist, and for them, verbal communication doesn't work well. That doesn't mean we should stop telling people to talk to each other. Deaf people are rare, and talking is very useful for everyone else. The harm from preventing all normal people from speaking to each other is extremely high, and harm-prevention plans which massively increase net harm are bad plans.

@31, Are you're saying that marriage is easy and normal people live happily ever after once they find their soul mate?

@4: how about "Elbopatch"?

Eud@26 -- "The person who worked out for me in my 20s seems to be working fine as a partner in my 30s. Why is that more likely to change in the next two decades than it was in the last two?"

I have a picture in my mind's eye of some bearded Shakespearean hero bragging to his friends about how perfect his marriage is, and somewhere in the background the gods are perking up and going, "Hm, what? What did he just say?"

@32: No, that would be odd. Why would I say that? I don't even know what most of those terms would mean in this context.

@34: You and me both...

Nothing's perfect, but many things are fine.

Do most gay men really prefer big dicks? Inquiring minds want to know.

@ 36 - Personally, I get a lot more satisfaction from average-sized dicks than from big ones (though those can be fun once in a while). Also, most well-endowed guys are too full of themselves to provide you with a pleasant experience - they think that having a big dick is enough in and of itself, and never bother to learn to use them properly.

As a general rule, the bigger the dick, the more its owner will try to ram it into you with no consideration for how you feel. Of course, some people like that, but not everyone.

I think LW answered his own question.

@30: That's fascinating, thanks for the transcript.

Was it this study? John Mordechai Gottman PhD , Robert Wayne Levenson PhD , Catherine Swanson , Kristin Swanson , Rebecca Tyson & Dan Yoshimoto (2003) Observing Gay, Lesbian and Heterosexual Couples' Relationships, Journal of Homosexuality, 45:1, 65-91, DOI: 10.1300/
J082v45n01_04

And there is always the possibility that this man is actually very handsome, but measures himself against porn actors.

The thing about looks is that once you like someone and you get going romantically, looks and flaws melt away and all that's left is hotness. From the outside, I see lots of couples (myself and my hubby included), who I have no desire to watch engaged in the act yet if they're having half as much fun as we are then more power to them.

If you're not super buff or young, you're probably going to have a harder time getting casual sex, but in a real relationship that doesn't matter so much.

How far from the physical ideal are we talking here? Does the dude look like a reasonably fit 49-year-old, or does he way 350 lbs? If the latter, seems his chances would improve if he spent some time attending to his physical appearance. That, or learn to look past the physical appearances of others, as they'll have to do for you.

*weigh*

It's hard not to want what everyone else wants, especially when your values have been thoroughly shaped a media that only forwards a narrow concept of what bodies should and shouldn't look like in order to be attractive. Add to that technology, of which gays have always been early adopters (as they are of most trends), which enables you to line anonymous guys up in a cattle call and encourages you for treating them in kind--as pieces of meat to be auctioned, though in this case the capital isn't your money but your own aesthetic value. You're as much a piece of meat for sale as they are. In my experience, same tends to date same in the gay community--it's not uncommon to see couples of similar heights, builds, and even hairstyles strolling the streets of most major American cities. How nice for them, but for the rest of us, conditioned to pine for the ideal despite knowing the measure of our limited aesthetic value, it sucks big time. That doesn't mean opposites can't attract, it's just that they seldom do. Looking past the superficial sounds like a nice idea in theory, but practice makes it challenging, especially if you've grown accustom to hearing familiar refrains along the lines of "You're really funny, but..." or "I wish I was attracted to you..." My advice is try and try again, because there's a chance you could find that rare opposite that's as attracted to you as you are to them, to not be entitled and creepy (something that's easy to do on accident), and to think critically about your attraction to see what you might be flexible on. A little flexibility might be better than a whole lot of heartbreak.

Seems to me that the writer is calling out four realities: 1. Older gay guys do become invisible. Younger guys see you as simply taking up space that they think rightly should be occupied by the younger and hotter, even though the very space -- and the rights and freedoms they take for granted are the ones older guys fought for and won. 2.As you get older (I am 55), the demographics start really working against you. Put the simple demographics in a dating site search (age range similar to your own, location, sexual proclivity --- top/bot/vers, maybe ethnicities you are attracted to, and one or two other deal breakers), and not all that much comes up. 3. Add to that: A certain slice of who's left are guys who are single for a reason. 4. Lots of guys have given up, either on keeping themselves game-ready, or on the game, itself.

People think it's clever to judge and give cold counsel about an experience they know nothing about: Be less picky, be less sensitive, stick to guys your own age, get over it, sounds like you're a bitter old queen and turning people off with your bitterness, don't be so shallow, etc.

In my experience -- speaking only for myself, one of gifts of age is the developing skill of making peace with reality. Yup, that ol' "It is what it is" thing. Sure, you can tweak some of the variables: tone up, get a haircut, try to develop an appreciation for grey hair and big bellies, but the basic reality is still there. There simply isn't an easy solution except acknowledging what is, mourning the passing of youth, learning to feel self contained and calm, and watching what unfolds.

I only saw the headline, and knew exactly what the problem would be for this dude: He wants a ten, or a solid eight, but isn't even a four himself. The person who complains loudest about how others are Shallow Hal's is the Shallow Hal. Here's the good news: Eventually, all of us get ugly. (Except Rob Lowe and Helen Mirren.)

Wow, finally: a letter just begging for an answer from me, a 52-year old single gay professor with a Ph.D. and an acerbic sense of humor. How I've dreamed of this day!

Sadly, you're probably not going to like my answer, which is this: play the cards you're dealt (looks, money, status, wit, education, etc.) as intelligently as you can. That's all anyone can do. And if playing those cards as skilfully as you can doesn't get you the result you were hoping for (a Mr. Right or even a Mr. Right Now who corresponds sufficiently to your fantasies), then you'll know you can't blame yourself for the outcome and you can skip beating yourself up over it. The truth is, none of us gets everything in life he wants; we have to learn to be content with what we're in fact able to get. And letting the frustrated desire for what you can't get ruin your potential contentment with what you actually have is masochistic and stupid.

Just keep in mind that having dates with pretty people you meet online and meeting people with substance who are worth trying to make a relationship with are two completely different things.

M? Lemming - There were various more important qualities than that particular size. I'm probably an outlier, though.

Sometimes it takes some compromise to find your Prince Charming.

Academics in my experience lack emotional intelligence and only want to talk about the precious ideas that come out of their genius heads.

As a reasonably intelligent, well-educated professional person who re-entered the dating scene at the ripe young age of 47, after a 17 year absence, I can testify that it can be a shock to the system to recognize your "market value." I very nearly gave it up after only 6 months that yielded dates with 6 or 7 people (to be fair, as a single parent of a young child, I had very little free time to go on dates).

I stuck to my guns on values, but I did learn to suck it up, and look outside my preferences wrt physical appearance. And I'm very glad I did.

So we have: 50% divorce rate
Anywhere from 2% - 20% of marriages are sexless
Anywhere up to 15% of women and 28% of men cheat on their spouses (Wikipedia)
And Eudaemonic thinks that his relationship is the norm? Hmm.
If lifelong monogamy is working for you, great. But don't think that means you're the rule rather than the exception.

When people take care of their bodies, look fit and are good looking, then those people will attract others. One has to accept how one really is on the body care scale..
LW; hit the gym, swimming.
Make your body as beautiful as you can make it, if you are attracted to men who also look after their bodies. Physical health is an attractive part of a person, along with kindness, intelligence, sense of humour and a good pay packet.

My ex and I broke up when I was 43. I reluctantly went in the dating pool, convinced that nobody would ever want me because of my age, receding hairline, and incipient double chin. Instead,I had five years of very active dating before I met the man who is now my husband. It helped that I didn't limit myself to guys with washboard and and full heads of hair (assets I could not offer, and therefore felt I could not demand). That said, some of the guys were quite good looking. The secrets? I was fit (if not ready for a photo shoot), and I sold the assets I had: intelligence, education, professional and financial stability, and a sense of humor.

What Lava said.
Thing about being in shape, especially the back part of your body, which most guys ignore ‘cause you can’t see it in the mirror, is that it will improve your whole quality of life, and save you money down the road in PT bills and suchlike.
You don’t have to be a Greek god, but for the rest of your life, you’ll have to walk up stairs, and the sort of vibrant person you (probably) want to be with will probably be into stuff like hiking tours and Latin dancing.

A 50yo Professor is insufficiently rich? I call bullshit. Unless there's something I don't understand about American universities, while a professor may not be exactly "wealthy" by 50, he should be fairly well off. That said, maybe it's the locale that I don't understand, and it takes more money to be... monied where he is. But something here doesn't add up.

@61: I'm a 53-y/o professor--untenured, though full-time--and live paycheck to paycheck. Many of us, depending on where we work, are making enough to live on but little more than that. Additionally, my institution, a small private liberal arts university, has horrible benefits. I live in the Bay Area, one of the most expensive parts of the country, with an insanely high cost of living. And I make far less than the average salary than professors of comparable rank and experience do elsewhere in the country, where the cost of living may be lower.

What a jerk. I know his type well. He freely admits only wanting to romance/bed young photo-shoot ready model-types yet wonders why he cannot get a date.

I have never been considered attractive but my self-esteem requires that I only be with people who are excited to be with ME, and I return the favor. As a result, I have wonderful, loving friends and a great marriage. It helps if you are a good person and a good listener.

I am sure there are some slightly less than hot undergrads (from another school) who would love to fetishize your brain and professorial pretensions, but you are not going to give them a second glance.

#37 Ricardo - Thanks for telling me (a straight woman) that guys with big dicks think that's all they need. And that you don't necessarily like them. I've encountered only 2 massive cocks and I didn't enjoy either one a bit. They were too big for me and therefore hurt in a very unsexy way. And the attached men appeared not to know or care about my reaction. I'll take a guy with a teeny cock who has great oral technique any day.

#55 Lavgirl - that's so true - get as buff as is reasonable and your life will be a better place to live. :-)

Learn that looks don't mean a thing and you are on your way to a happy relationship/marriage.

@ 64 - My pleasure. I always knew my promiscuity... I mean experience would one day benefit someone!

@ 59 - I would say that some gay men (a minority) do care a lot about it, though. I liken their attitude to a sort of competition or challenge to determine who's the alpha male (in this case, the alpha bottom) - who can take the bigger one.

@62 wow, I had no idea! Apologies in that case. After all the time and money you invest in your education, that's just not right!