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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
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Excellent avatar.
Also, keep in mind people have very different family dynamics. Seeing parents is a great joy for some, a horrifyingly stressful obligation for others.
LW, just let him be his reluctant self. It might be OK, it might not. Nothing you do or say will change how he feels, so let him relax and feel comfortable with the space you're going to give him, OK? He might just be shy...he might be overwhelmed by the prospect of a crowd of unfamiliar people. We've all been there. Or it might mean something big. Either way, pushing or questioning will not change things. Sorry.
*I learned to be a less shitty person as an adult.
Maybe your guy just wants a low stress Thanksgiving, and you are and your family are now making it unanimous to deny him one.
Now, insert...no, put some more plushie stuff questions here. I'm still not clear on any of that. But, I'm intrigued.
Thanksgivings and Christmases are holidays with lots of family jokes, traditions, etc. etc. - and you're not married, you're dating, he's not family yet. He may have met them, but it doesn't sound like he's had the chance to get to know any of them individually in casual circumstances.
If you want him to feel more comfortable with your family as a group, invite one or two family members to join you for dinner or a movie or a shopping trip on non-holiday weekends for awhile - if he likes and knows them as individuals, he'll be more comfortable when they're all together, which can otherwise be intimidating and awkward.
And either way, how the offer was presented matters. If you meant "please come with me," and posed it as "would you like to come with me?" you can't hold it against him when he answered the question answered rather than the question you intended. And his answer was "no, thanks." And even if you expressed that you would like him to come, it's still ok if he doesn't want to. Then you have to weigh how much it means to you for him to attend/how much it means to him to not attend vs how much you're both willing to compromise to make the other happy.
This guy is having a relationship with you not your family. And you feel like breaking up over it? Bazaar to me.
Culture I know, as I'm from Australia and we don't do Thanksgiving, makes us all go for different things.
I didn't see my mother- in-law much. I'm pretty sure in some Aboriginal cultures, son in laws and mother in laws, didn't talk at all.
If you push him, you will lose him.
If you value the relationship, then give him his agency to meet with your family in his own time.
For my part, I'm on her side. Her signature says it. She's single on Thanksgiving. It doesn't seem unreasonable to me that she'd like a date on that day. If she knew he had other plans, that would be another story, but he doesn't.
They've been dating for almost a year, and Dan (and others) has pointed out that that's not very long and she's rushing things. I'm not sure I agree. What IS the time line for moving a relationship forward? This may be the time where they discover that she thinks (and wants) to be on a marriage-and-children track while he's on a hang-out-forever track.
People you are dating are not there so you don't have to "feel single" on file holidays.
I think a main part of the issue may be the LW... She, like you, seems far more interested in having / presenting to others that she's in a relationship than the actual feelings of her partner. "My family is going to ask why he's not here and it's just so embarrassing!" is a selfish perspective.
As a matter of perspective, both sides of my family have had a rule: No invitations to family gatherings or in family photos until you've been together (or great friends for friends) at least a year. The year is a hard rule... In our family, LW's boyfriend would simply not be welcome.
After a year, you're pretty much stuck in the photos if you're around but nobody EXPECTS you to come to holidays until you're married.
So while it's certainly possible (it always is) that LW's boyfriend is just not that into her, it's completely normal for people in relationships less than a year to not want to do the family holiday thing.
Side note: Has your family ever asked your boyfriend a variation of "When are you two going to...." ? If so, that's what's awkward.
But my guess is that "spend time with my family!" equals "prove that you are part of my family!" and he's just not ready for that yet. Perfectly reasonable, at 25.
I also want to clarify that my family doesn't do big holiday traditions, this is just dinner with my mom, my brother, and me. Nobody else. And it's at my house, where I will be doing the cooking. He didn't have other plans, his family is going to a friends house. And, this is one I should have mentioned in me letter, this is all happening after our original plans fell through, which were for me to drive two hours with him and his parents to attend the big family gathering kind of Thanksgiving with his extended family.
It's awkward( for him).
Chill LW, and back off emotionally re this. Your bf is not comfortable at this time to sit stuff with your family.
I didn't say they weren't in a relationship, the status of partner is a different thing.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
"Partner" is used pretty damn liberally in the Poly community.
It can mean anything from just someone you see casually (what would you call that person? how would you introduce them at a party?), a boyfriend/girlfriend/non-binary friend (really helps in the non-binary scenario), to something serious or even a marriage.
I have called my boyfriend my partner man times... as in I currently have two partners, name and name.... Depending on circumstances I might elaborate on the level of each, but in many discussions it is not important.
I do not think that is what is going on in this letter (a poly relationship, or at least there is not mention of it) but just pointing out that the use of the word "partner" does not necessarily mean one is well on the way up the relationship escalator.
I'm probably projecting my judgment of my niece's waste of air BF, however. and he looks like Putin.
But wanted to state that I disagree with Dan that there is some level to reach before one can/should use that word, poly or mono. Hence my mention of the "does not necessarily mean one is well on the way up the relationship escalator".
To steal the sexual scale metaphor, Spending Holidays with your partners family is 3rd base.
Culture and shared values are an incredibly common reason to break up, it's not particularly baffling? I've been willing to stretch some of mine, but aligning is serious business?
I've been married 10 years. If my wife says, "blah blah family function blah blah, do you want to go?", "No" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
If she expect me to go, she says, "blah blah family function blah blah, can you be there?" or "I'd like you to come" or some such.
25 and 27 is old enough to know how to communicate what you want rather than asking questions that sound like you're giving your partner a choice when the reality is you only want one answer.
Last few years I have been pigging out on Chinese food in bed with Harry Potter and Doctor Who. In bed with David Tenant is where I want to spend every night.
Now that we have a resolution, it sounds like LW's boyfriend thought that since LW's Thanksgiving dinner was low-key and chilled out, unlike his own, it wasn't a big deal either way whether he was there or not. Communication! Whether mono or poly :)
LibraryBiddy.... you resolved your issue like an adult.... by having a simple conversation with your BF. He responded in kind and is joining you for Thanksgiving. WTF????? There is a glitch in the matrix
Before reading your response, I was going to agree with everyone else, provided your family wasn't doing anything egregiously awkward last time they met.
(Been there. Boyfriends who've learned that contact with your family means an endless stream of "So, when are you going to..." questions are boyfriends who don't want to talk to the family for the first few years.)