Hey Dan, why don't you guys get Matt some health care?
Isn't it employee-independent in WA state?

Doesn't make me any more driven to have sex, but damn it makes sex more intense! Even though my wife doesn't toke, she seems to respond to my added enthusiasm. Or maybe it just seems that way because I'm high.

I'd also recommend taking MDMA together as a means of getting a sex life unstuck in an otherwise good relationship. It probably won't result in great sex per se (lots of men have difficulty coming while rolling), but you'll see and feel and smell and taste your partner like it was the first time you're taking in someone who's been your lover for years (paradox intended).


I think some good would come from destigmatizing cheating as a means of coping with a partner who's decided to become a selfish, withholding, or otherwise shitty lover.
Well, I mean, it is everywhere. But, at least WA state has exchanges.
Oh, sorry to blow your Stranger-critical cover.
@4 yes but the stranger adovicates for empolyers to treat their employees right. Hard to adovicate for workers rights and benefits when you treat your workers bad and don't give them health care.
If dicks and molly moons can afford to give their employees health care, surly the stanger can.
@3, Yeah maybe weed does benefit women better that way. I often found that it seemed to effect "performance" more in men, rather than desire, if I recall. So, like this woman, it's OK to try this (pretty innocuous) relaxo-stimulant while your trusted partner doesn't partake. Then, see what happens :-).

WTF with LW2's hubby? Trying to sneak one in there when she is semi-unconscious and relaxed? Damn, she is putting up with a lot.
Weed just makes me cry. As does ketamine. My metabolism isn't compatible with either of them.
@1 WFT? who is Matt?
For the partner of the sex-pest,
Perhaps discuss the possibility of some sleepy-time role play? Then you could have the time to prepare mentally and the ability to still be awake. Maybe his boners are just on a funny schedule; but MAYBE there's something about you snoring that really turns him on (even subconsciously) and you two can have it both ways.
L3: And the grounds for the pass are...?
@10 Matts the writer who covers politics for the stranger yet has to buy his own health coverage.
The first two letter writers are really thoughtful; the last one raises some serious red flags. The whole "we're both broke (our partners are the bread winners)" mixed with "he [the husband] was so devastated that he made major changes" mixed with that "negatively effecting [sic] our children" is only thrown in quickly at the end of the second paragraph, makes me want to hear more about this situation-- and not from the LW's perspective.

LW references a "crap marriage," but the evidence of the letter suggests LW isn't into hubby, but hubby is still very much into LW and willing to make serious changes to save the marriage. Why did that big talk not occur before the cheating began? What I'd like to know (were we to have some objective narrator fly-on-the-wall) is who, exactly has been denying whom sex? Interestingly, LW leaves that part out. Was it just husband or was it mutual or was it LW? The other two letters are really specific, as I suspect you'd want to be were you genuinely troubled by the situation. Sure, regardless, LW should leave the husband, if for nothing else than to do him the favor of getting rid of someone who obviously sees him now as a cash source rather than a real partner. But it bugs me if someone is just using Dan's advice just to be a real asshole.
Sorry if that's harsh, but Dan's advice is admirable for people genuinely trapped through no will of their own in a sexless marriage, but (as several clues in this letter suggest) for people using Dan's advice to cheat when they themselves may have played a real role in making the marriage shit, it's hard to muster much sympathy.
Well that didn't last long, Dan. The no sexless marriage questions.
Dope to aid fucking, kick in the old rumba. Yeah, it works.
Oh and cross dressing as well, forgot that bit. Nice. Enjoy. Tell your man to come over to the weekly thread. We have a very sexy cross dresser on that thread who comments regularly.

LW2; I het confused re this concept of high/ low sex impulse; one's desire is activated by erotic situations, having your guy prod you awake, unless you
wanting that story - it can be pretty raunchy if you like that sort of thing- is very annoying.
First up, sleep in seperate beds.
The poor bastard is just too tempted having you there, and he does go without. Good man, that he loves you so much. Still, sexual intimacy is the
glue, for those who like sex.
Lose some weight if you want to. But use your body; walk, swim, so you can feel it's strength and movement.
Are you on meds? Anti depressants, what sort of birth control. Far as I believe, these interfere with desire arising. And it will arise again for you.
When you in your room at night, put on some sexy guy singing.. The music can vibrate thru your sex. It does mine. Try The Weekend.
When alone, enjoy your own sex, unimpeded by the midnight Ram Rod.
Sexing with him , I believe, will get easier if you find joy in your own sex and get off any meds. And stop sleeping together every night. Sleep with him when you are available for the midnight tassle. Over time as your desire is aroused more, his behaviour will shift also. Again, that's just my belief.
HAA: Another weed-and-sex advocate here. Doesn't make me horny, but it does intensify physical sensations. I come a lot quicker and harder. Better when the partner is on the same mental wavelength, though.

CIBC: Agree 100% with Dan. I'm a very sexual person, but waking me up for sex is not going to get you the result you want. Sounds like your husband has a fetish; Nadge @11 has a good suggestion. But he has to indulge your before-bed desires too! And don't worry about the 20lbs, seriously, no one is bothered by that but you.

Lava @17: Okay, I'm going to have to check out this Weekend that you keep talking about.
Ugh. I'm super into sex and up for it basically at all times and I still would be super annoyed if somebody tried to shake me awake in the middle of the night for sex. It's like a reflex, I can't stand being touched when I'm asleep unless it's just cuddling.
Spelling mistake again; Fan, he's called The Weeknd..
my recommendation comes from hearing his beautiful voice and poignant young man poetry.
He's sexy as well. And a Black man.
Wow, LW2. As someone with crippling insomnia, if my otherwise-uninspired husband woke me up for sex ever, let alone all the time after letting me fall asleep unfucked, he wouldn't just be sexless, he'd be murdered. Hope you're better at getting back to sleep than I am.
A lot of people reaaaaaally love their sleep around here. Personally, I've never had a problem with being wokken up in the middle of the night for sex. But, it's all about the approach. Snuggle up first, don't shake me awake.
Ha. Wokken. I'm still asleep right now, I guess.
Hmm, I'd read CIBC's letter as being woken up first thing in the morning for sex, though I suppose the interpretations of middle-of-the-night sex could be accurate as well. (And even more annoying.) If he's only horny in the mornings, perhaps he could try bringing CIBC a nice cup of coffee or breakfast in bed to wake her up nicely before springing his boner on her. My boy knows there's no morning sex without caffeine.
CIBC's partner seems to be under the mistaken impression that sex can only happen when he has a boner. She should do her best to correct that. They may find that if she's getting more fun times in the evenings, she'll be keener on morning sex. My hubby and I are on similarly incompatible cycles, but if he keeps me happy in the evening, I'm more revved up in the morning to cater to his needs.
I think people who discover these sorts of incompatibilities before making a life-long commitment should consider themselves lucky and go find other partners.

The fact that they can't find convenient time for sex that's neither "too close to going to sleep" nor "during sleep" suggests that they just aren't into having sex together. I mean, what about the afternoon on the weekend? There are 16 such afternoons a two month period, and they only have sex once in that time. Skip talking about why he pesters you in the middle of the night, and just break up.
Matt is a freelancer that we hope to get on staff at some point in the future. Staffers have health insurance through the paper, freelancers do not. Film at 11.
That was for CIBC.

For Wrecked Head, I think I'd focus on this:
> But I know it's a long way to go for me to ever love him again. >

You can have a reasonable marriage without love. (Think of countless arranged marriages that work just fine.) But you can't have a reasonable marriage without mutual respect. And that mutual respect is also going to help with the co-parenting that you have to do, regardless of whether you stay together or divorce.

So get yourself to therapy, and figure out (a) how to treat your husband with respect and (b) whether you feel he treats you with respect. If you think he doesn't, then talk to him about that and encourage him to get to therapy too. Adults who have kids together should be able to find a way to treat each other with respect. You're not there currently, so work on that.
Hi Dan!
LW3 is a disaster. Two non breadwinners getting together and children involved.
No idea how you get yourselves out of that one except to say, wake up.
LW1 ("HAA") here. Pls don't overlook the first tip for overcoming a sexless marriage in my letter: after my husband came out to me about his dressing, immersing myself in sexy talk in the SL archives got my engines running again. I wish I had some idea about whether that would work for anyone else, but like the weed angle, it might be something to try?

It's worth noting, of course, that both of these solutions were only solutions for us because each of us was interested in changing to begin with.
Tina; its LWs coming on board weekend.
I agree. Reading SL has been very liberating for me as well.
Weed makes sex better for me. I don't know if it really makes me horny, because I only use it as an aphrodisiac and so by now the feeling of being high is strongly associated with intense, amazing sex and very strong, very easily-achieved orgasms. If you haven't tried it and you're looking for some help and it's not too hard to get where you live, I'd recommend trying it.

If it bugs you to be awakened by a partner wanting to have sex, maybe you should initiate sex when you'd like to have it, or at least when you wouldn't mind having it. Why should one person do all the initiating?
@33 He may have ruled that out with "his cycle isn't set up for before-sleep sex", and the scheduled sex attempt may have come from her.

Bias declaration here: I had a partner who tried to wake me up for sex in the middle of the night. Not like, a few times when he was soooo horny (which could be hot and flattering) but regularly, and persisting past my 'no' and resistance (yes, he was a creep). I told him this didn't work, like the LW. And Dan is absolutely right on. That guy thought we should have more sex and wanted his initiations to work not just mine, but when I made suggestions about how to get me excited (and not complicated ones. Like, kissing before surprise dry-humping) they would go in one ear and out the other, and we'd be back to his trying to initiate sex at times and in ways that were almost guaranteed to fail. He turned out to be a controlling emotionally abusive asshole, so...yeah, I'm biased toward DTMFA for this if he really won't listen to her preferences.
My partner of 14 years & I have no problems with lack of sex drive - we have sex 1-3 times a week depending on her cycle. Even so, we both find that WEED really enhances our sexual experience. We make it a point to have a weed-enhanced date night at least once a month. We live in a medical cannabis state, so it is possible for us to get strains that are intended for this exact purpose. It may not work for everybody, but I think everybody should try this at least once.

Wrecked Head - one other thing you might consider is getting a job of some kind, even if it is only part-time. Having some income of your own instead of depending entirely on your spouse for support may change your feelings about your situation.
I think LW 2 would benefit from LW 1's advice. I get the feeling a good chunk of their problems stem from her insecurity and hang-ups, and something that could help her let of those, if only for an evening, might be a godsend.

And LW 2 yes it would be nice if all the worlds' crisis were solved and you looked like a supermodel to boot, but since none of those things are going to happen, maybe work with what you've got.
"Sex pest!!" There it is. My first husband was a sex pest. He woke me up for it, and would keep hassling me until I was well awake and pissed. Or he wanted it when I was rushing off to something, or when when we had guests on the way, or when I had important time-sensitive work to do. Basically anytime I was not likely to want it. "Sex pest." Now I have a word for it.

There's probably some kink/psychological stew to figure out there but luckily not my problem anymore. He's a much better friend than he ever was a husband.
Aurora Erratic @37,

It sounds like he was giving you opportunities to demonstrate that he was more important than sleep, more important than your appointment, more important than guests, more important than work. Lots of id, no superego. My sympathies.
Alison, that sounds about right. I think maybe overcoming my "no" was part of his jam? Which I totally could have worked with had I known. But even so I am delighted we are divorced - lots of other stuff going on there, too. Sometimes d'ing the mf already is a blessing for both.
@27: good to hear full time writers have health insurance. When you're in a position to hire and insure another writer to cover politics, please consider continuing this paper's long and impressive tradition of hiring competent, talented political journalists, not Matt Baume.
Hey Dan- congratulations on 32 across in today's nyt crossword!
Lw1/Tina: thanks for the info. My husband likes me a little tipsy for sex because it revs my libido among many reasons. I want to add weed into the repetoire but I live in a non-weed state and we have young kids and licenses. We've discussed a trip to Colorado and if so yeah. But we don't have a sexless marriage.

Lw2: count me with all the others here who hate with a passion being woken up for sex although that is when hub wants it. In the morning. It wasn't an issue as much until we had kids and full time jobs and sleep became so so precious. We negotiated around it by getting up a half an hour earlier. And some lunch break delights.

Lw3: divorce your husband and stop whining about being poor. This is a shit storm of your own making. Ug. Take your lead from the upstanding and honorable NoCute. Look , I did what you did. I married a man I shouldnt. I had eight years of a marriage that bounced between mediocre and bad, and I got into a torrid affair with another guy that sent me into a tailspin. And yes my husband promised to change but I was completely out of love with him. And there is the difference. Dan councils cheating in the rare and narrow circumstances where one can't leave one's spouse because they deeply love them, the spouse is dependent, the spouse is sick, unable to have sex.....YOUR spouse isn't dependent on you. YOU don't love him. YOU don't want to give up the money or the security of a companion.

I left my spouse. Oh yes, I ended up alone too - no matter what you think, it's lust talking. I actually dumped the other man because I woke up out of the hormone induced psychosis and realized the other guy was a turd. But be alone, pay your bills, and be open to a new relationship where you love and can love. And see what comes through your door. I fell in love again. My ex fell in love again.

But I will tell you sister, you think you are being all on the downlow? Ha. Nope. You in this type of emotional mess will be caught.
WRT Clueless In BC - it's possible that your husband just has a higher sex drive than you. These things do happen. It might be, though, that your husband kind of gets off on overcoming a certain amount of resistance. If that's the case, it's a kink you can probably find a way to work with - just fake a bit of resistance at times when you really are ready for sex. Shut him down thoroughly and completely at other times, but at times when you really are up for sex play a bit of a push-pull game with him and see what happens.
Yeah - sex pest indeed. The one that really wants it finds it too difficult to initiate it when his partner isn't asleep? Yeah - right.
@42 DarkHorse - It wasn't an issue as much until we had kids and full time jobs and sleep became so so precious. YES! I can so relate to this. The good news (which is also kind of bad news) is that your hormones will probably eventually reduce your need for and/or ability to sleep and then you may find yourself like me, doing a 180 turnaround, inviting the guy to act on his middle of the night urges. Haha!
@robby. It's always the it guys that have such dirty dirty kinks ;).

@45/cat. Yeah its pretty amazing how fast the sex drive roars back with a little sleep. Although if the "only" time my guy wanted to initiate was the
Robby @35: Wrecked Head has a job. She met this guy through work. She just has the low-paid job in her marriage.
"But I know it's a long way to go for me to ever love him again."

Get a divorce. Leaching off other people under false pretenses isn't what you should be showing your kids marriage is about.

And why stay married to someone you don't love, and know you never will again? Sure, there's the money, but honest sex work pays better.
@48. I might not word it that way, but exactly.
@42 DarkHorse - Enjoyed your concise and matter-of-fact recap of what was probably a long crazy saga in your life. Glad you found love again.

YES WEED. For me, I have a brain that is always in overdrive. Too many browser windows open. 3 teenagers at home and all that comes with it; 2 of them have complicating medical/psychological issues. Shutting my mind off to want or be present for sex can be incredibly challenging for me. So when I can get a nice high where all I am is aware of my own self and how my body feels, I am always open to sex and it is always incredible. We've been together for 20 years and our sex life is fabulous in general, though there could be more of it. Since we've legalized here in WA the hubby thinks we should take a trip to the store and get me some "relaxation aids"-not purely for sex, but also because I need a brain break. The sexy feelings are a very welcome bonus!
Weed doesn't do much for me--I find the sensation pretty uncomfortable--but I'll echo seandr's comment @3 that some MDMA, which not necessarily making good sex happen right then, can have a really positive effect on bringing two people together, and quite possibly increasing their good sex down the line by making a moment happen where communication about tricky things is easier.

And I guess I'm in the minority, but I love middle-of-the-night, half-alseep sex. Something about having your brain already mostly turned off makes it easy for me to get intense quickly.
Cocky; Problems. Problems. Problems.

Desperate to brag about this: We're in our early fifties, together for 32 years, married for 25, and had sex four times Saturday...four different ways. Happy, happy.

Dan: I know you’re bored with sexless marriage inquiries. You are apparently starting to see them all as being the same. Perhaps they are. Here on the ground though, the nuances seem to matter, and our circumstances are fluid, so we continue to try to work the puzzle. I’d like you to continue taking the questions.
@42: Gee, darkhorserising, thank you for the kind words. "Upstanding honorable?" I don't know that I am either, but I sure aspire to be. "Flattered" is now more the adjective for me.

@53: cockyballsup: I hear you. I sometimes worry that I couldn't go back to unhigh sex. More importantly, I hope I never have to.

@55: california reader: Yay for you two. Inspiring!
cockyballsup @53, aren't you unhappy about your current partner for other reasons too? Are you sure your relationship is making you happy more than it makes you grumpy?
Weed makes me anxious... No way it would improve my sex life!
I hate to be woken in the middle of the night and willing to kill whoever would try, unless the house was on fire or something.
LW2, apart from your husband pest thing, you should read Emily Nagoski's blog and books (especially Come as you are): she explains very well the mechanisms that cause more or less frequent desires, context dependent desires, and what to do when yours and your partner's are different. Good luck
@dan using a freelancer regularly (ie almost daily) is a shitty way to avoid paying that person benifits. Matts doing a good job so get that man hired on. Seattle pricy out there.
@60 cockyballsup
all the kinds available to me at the time had the same effect. But I'm prone to panick attacks, so maybe it's just me.

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