Asexuality for Beginners

Comments

1
I hate the completely incorrect use of the term "asexul". Woudn't "nonsexual" be a better term? Asexual defines something that breeds with itself or procreates in a non-gendered way. "Asexuality" in this context indicates someone that does not procreate at all. Can't we find a word that doesn't abuse the scientific definition wholesale?
2
When did asexuality become a sexual identity????

I agree w/Dan an asexual has no business dating a sexual unless the sexual and asexual are ok with the sexual finding sex outside their asexual relationship (my head hurts now) and the asexual should disclose their "orientation" on or before the first date.
3
If the argument is that asexuality is another orientation like any other, isn't that the sort of thing you'd need to clue your partner in on, anyway? I mean, what, do asexuals get to hang out in the closet and still be cool? How does that work?
4
Pretty soon they will be wanting their own parade.
5
Are asexuals against orgasms in general or just sex? Are they cool on masturbating? If not, wtf? It's like denying yourself free roller coaster rides.
6
@ 1 I agree with you on misusing words but in this case it looks like asexual can be used to describe a person that is not interested in sex:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionar…
7
Interesting. So, they are inborn eunuchs, and are without any desire for sexual release?
8
This sounds reminiscent of the monosexual movement of the 70s/80s, that attempted to destigmatize being alone. Whenever you would go out, you were self-contained. Their battle cry was something like, "we just want to be left alone - by ourselves."
9
i know i would never want to date one.
10
Asexuals can go not fuck themselves, IMHO.
11
People who are asexual need to state so very early on in the process.

I know a number of unhappily married couples where one partner was asexual but felt obligated to overperform during courtship (to get married), while the other one dialed it down out of respect - and then they realized they had different expectations as to frequency and desire.

It's not fun.
12
You'd think monogamy would be the easiest thing. . . mono-monogamy.
13
@ 7 - Kim, I would imagine there are folks as you describe, but I suspect that many of the people who identify as "asexual", and are celibate and don't get turned on sexually, are this way because of issues in childhood (rape, molestation, very weird childhood with weak or non-existent sexual boundaries). That's fine, no judgement - I consider "no sex" as valid a choice as "straight sex" or "gay sex" - but, once again, terminology can be confusing.
14
1
if there were actually a biological state of 'homosexuality' among humans it would be a non-reproducing entity.
of course there ain't no such creature- just people who choose to engage in homosexual behavior.
15
@ 13 - having or not having sex is definitely a choice, I'm with you there but I don't believe that being straight or gay is a choice. Not saying that you think that - just clarifying.

Anyway, I wish my wife would choose to do it more often! God!
16
@5: In my experience they're not "against" anything, any more than homosexuals are "against" heterosexual sex. They just aren't interested in participating in it.

Not too get too far into TMI here, but keep in mind that not everyone experiences things the same way you do. Even orgasms. ;) (Heck, not everyone likes roller coaster rides, either.)

@13: I think it's kind of offensive to suggest that asexual people must be that way because of some traumatic event. It's like people who think that homosexual men are that way because of a traumatic experience with a woman.
17
Isn't an nonsexual relationship, just a normal friendship? Isn't the whole point of dating someone as opposed to just being their friend sex?
18
Jesus fuck, people just love to label themselves.

I am a hetero afternoon fucker. I even have a slogan..."Baby don't touch my dick before noon!"

Now all I need is a bumper sticker to raise awareness of people who hate morning sex.

Where is my parade?
19
# 17 It cannot be a friendship - not if whoever you're dating doesn't want you to have sex with anyone else, either .... and yes, that is something that should be disclosed early. I feel all cross and cranky just at the thought of no sex with my partner ....
20
Morning sex is the best, cause you can follow it up in the shower and then have elevenses.

And then some post-lunch nookie.
21
@18 I will join your parade!! I HATE morning sex and don't know why people like it so much. I'll have sex after I'm awake, showered, and have had breakfast.
22
I inadvertently dated an asexual once... he put out on the third date, but I think he only felt obligated because it was the third date.

(Then again, he was a gay ex-youth pastor, so I have a feeling the religion/sexual-identity conflict contributed to his asexuality.)
23
@17: Isn't the whole point of dating someone as opposed to just being their friend sex?

Wow, that's a pretty narrow view of what a relationship is about.
24
Sorry #23, but I have to agree with #17.

A relationship without sex is a friendship. A very close friendship to be sure, but it's still a friendship. I have a female friend with whom I am incredibly close- we've lived together, and at times shared almost every intimate detail of our lives. I sometimes felt like we were practically married, except for the complete absence of sex. For me, sex and the added intimacy involved are the final steps from friendship to relationship.

Call that opinion narrow if you must, but I challenge you to define your terms if they're so much more complete.
25
@23, wow, that's a pretty narrow view of what friendship is about.
26
Agree with 17 and 24.

At least for me, if I'm not fucking you, I'm not dating you.
27
@ 22

Did he also breed pit bulls?
28
Vegetarians have a God-given right to order off the menu at Sizzler.
29
Yep, within the first three dates sounds right. That's certainly what I try to do. My only quibble is with the implication that the conversation is "By the way, I'm asexual, so I'm never going to have sex with you.". Asexuality, at least as I experience it, is not dislike of sex. It's disinterest in sex. I know, you're saying, oh that's completely different, where do I sign up to date you? :) But there is a distinction. It's the difference between no sex and one-sided sex. And there are all kinds of reasons that two non-asexual partners have sex when only one of them is getting off. Not ideal, but within the realm of negotiation.
30
I would think that Dan would be in favor of asexual people becoming conscious of themselves as such. I think it's great or them to have a site where they can discuss when to disclose their asexuality, and hopefully find similarly asexual partners. Perhaps on their site, there is some implication that the organization has a problem with disclosing or that they encourage people who identify as asexual to deliberately try to wed and frustrate sex positives. I know that Dan writes about them as though that's what the quote he provides suggest, even though they do nothing of the kind.
31
anyone want to help me open the Seattle Lesbian, Gay, Bi/Poly, Trans, Straight, Plushie, Horsefuckers, Asexual Center?

anyone?

hello?
32
This is the 21st Century...if they're not unzipped and ready to rumble by the time I've buzzed them in, the date is OVER...
33
@24: I guess I just sort of resent the implication that any relationship that doesn't involve sex is automatically a trivial one. It seems like culturally we only respect bonds between people if they're banging each other.
34
to be revealed on the FIRST date, prior to ordering any drinks or appetizers.
35
People who are "asexual" are not the norm. Being not the norm most likely means there is something either mentally or physically wrong. Guilt, shame, hormones and physical deformity probably play major roles. Why else would somebody forego one of life's most pleasent experiences? There is nothing wrong with sex. If it's for religious reasons than it's really the worst reason.
36
@33 And I pity the fact that all your friendships are trivial.
37
@35: You could just as well say that homosexuality isn't the norm. It'd be equally true.

Sexual identity isn't binary. There's a whole range of possibilities. The only real question should be whether what someone has works for them.
38
My own reaction is to ask why in the world would someone not want sexual pleasure. It is similar to my reaction to people who fear food merely because they are afraid of a little body fat or those who hate sleep because they want to be "productive" 24/7. IMHO seeking pleasure is productive. I consider any anything I choose to do to be time well spent.
39
Amen on the early-disclosure requirement. Oh God, how many men have I dated who assumed that just because I'm a middle-aged woman I would be happy with brief smooches and hugs? This in response to my making it very clear from word one that sex is the number one reason I was looking for a man.... Then they get all pissed off at you when the truth comes out and you won't stand for it.
40
I dont really care either way if I have sex or dont have sex. It doesnt do anything for me. However when I am in a relationship I am more than happy to have sex with my partner so they can enjoy it and everything else.
41
Fuck disclosure on the third date. This is the kind of thing that needs to be disclosed before ANY dates.

These people are welcome to identify themselves any way they want, and they don't have to disclose it to anyone they're not attempting to involve in it, but I should never have to waste my time on them under false pretenses.

I will withhold offering an opinion about the modern asexual movement since I have only impressions, not firsthand experience.
42
monogamous in a nonsexual relationship

Isn't that an oxymoron?
43
if that show happens for you Dan, PLEASE interview these people.

Your columns and podcasts have taught me patience and respect for other people's sexuality and/or preference, but something about this asexual movement wreaks of bullshit.
44
Agreed with @36. @33, why is a friendship "automatically a trivial" bond? I have at least half a dozen friends that are as emotionally intimate with me as my boyfriend, and that are much closer to me than several lovers I've had in the past. A real friend is not a trivial nor a casual thing. They're what make life worth living, no?
45
@22 - I also dated a possibly asexual guy for about 8 months. It was great at first -- he did everything in his power to please me, but he NEVER got off. I tried everything, but he didn't want me to even touch the dick. I never did figure it out, because he didn't ever want to talk about sex. He'd get me off when I was horny, but I started to feel like it was just glorified mastrubation. It just got frustrating and embarrassing after awhile. We're still friends though. He has a new girlfriend now, and I can't help but wonder if they have sex...
46
"Are asexuals against orgasms in general or just sex? Are they cool on masturbating? If not, wtf?"

Yeah, if the menfolk can get it up for their hand on a regular basis, they're not "asexual", championing that is like promoting aspie pride or "indigo children". Since I'm not female, I don't have any clue if masturbation counts away from "bed death".
47
@38, you may as well be like one of those straight guys who can't understand why in the world someone would not want sex with a man (especially when they go for butch girls too). The simple fact is, they don't have a desire for men. An asexual is the same way. If they don't have a desire for it, its not an activity that gives them pleasure.
48
Hmm, I edited my comment before posting but its still displaying the incorrect version. Anyway it should say lesbian, not someone in the first sentence.
49
47 and 48, I disagree. There is a big difference between orientation (the very word indicates drive and direction) and the lack of any desire at all.
50
Jesus Christ people, you're all being very bigotted. Asexuality is just as much of an orientation as hetero or homosexuality. Some asexuals also have sex with their partners. It's all about negotiation.

And over here in Sweden they have been a part of Stockholm Pride for the past two years.
51
I dated an asexual who was trying to find out if he could be sexual with someone even if he wasn't particularly interested in sex himself. Long story short, he couldn't, and my self esteem took a pretty major hit. Asexuals should date asexuals, people with an exclusive attraction to BBWs should date BBWs, people who like older men/women should date older men/women... whatever your preference or sexual tastes, it is only fair to you and your partner that you find someone who meets your requirements. Don't put a well-meaning person through the trauma of knowing and/or finding out that they are not satisfying you.
52
@13 & others,
Funny, I've heard an argument like that before. Let's see, where have we heard the argument that a group with a sexual preference I don't ascribe to must have been sexually abused to make them that way? Anyone?

Look, if we're going to say that heterosexual people have to be accepting of homosexuals I think we also have to say that sexual people have to be accepting of asexual people. I agree though that it's dishonest not to disclose that info early (1-3 dates) in the relationship.
53
Asexuality is not a choice, no more than being gay is a choice. You have no sex drive or interest in sex, period. You can still have sex to please your partner, which is what the comment about monogamy is about. And you should definitely, definitely disclose your status before you get serious.

Oh, and in Sweden where I live, the asexuals have been a part of Stockholm Pride since 2007.
54
Why would anyone *want* to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them? I could never have an asexual girlfriend, I mean, how terrible to feel like you're imposing whenever you have sex. Like "can I borrow a cup of orgasm?" Not sexy, not sexy at all.

If I'm gonna sleep with someone, it's gonna be someone who is as into it as I am.
55
fine. i'm willing to believe that i'm bigoted for thinking asexuality is weird etc...

all i'm saying is have your thyroid checked and get back to me. it IS unnatural to have no biological urge to procreate at all. homos have it too, just one that's directed differently, everyone else doing everyone else channels it in whatever way...but its THERE. no desire for sex is a pretty major symptom of quite a few very serious hormonal and thyroid disorders, not to mention somaticized (sp?) depression. if asexuality exists, it is irreponsible of the asexual community to accept/ encourage their "orientation" without a check up.

cool your jets, i know 30 yrs ago the same thing would be said of homos, but like i said, the biological urge was THERE, there are gay animals ( penguins and shit) there are not, however, asexual animals close enough to compare to humans ( like ...sea sponges. snails and shit are hermaphrodites, they do have sex)
56
I won't argue whether or not people exist who just have no desire to have sex. However- you cannot deny that there are types of asexuality caused by chemical interference in the brain. These include certain depression medications that can kill your sex drive, and very low levels of testosterone that cause adiminished or non-existent sex drive, just to name a few... So just because you don't have a sex drive doesn't necessarily mean you couldn't have one.
57
55, yes there are asexual (nonsexual) animals in nature as well, quite often in social species where their role in the pack is not breeding.
58
@ 54,

Why would someone want to go bowling, if only their partner enjoyed it? Why would someone cook and eat fish, if just their partner enjoyed it? Why would someone listen to Liszt, if they preferred Schumann? Why would you piss in someone's eye if you aren't into water sports? Because you do shit for the person you love, that's why. I know an 'asexual'. Due to a glandular problem he had zero sex drive. He is in a relationship now and is now being treated but still has very little interest in sex. He's willing to be GGG for his partner because they love each other (and he enjoys human contact even if he doesn't 'get off'). He's also okay with the partner being non-monogamous. The partner is a kinkster and he's asexual. They love each other. It works for them.
59
i don't care if asexuality is a choice or not... who cares... but partnering with non-asexual people is just sadistic
60
Been thinking about this all afternoon, and I have to laugh at myself: I can deal with same-sex lust, diaper fetishes, BDSM, even the whole dress-up-as-a-furry-mammal thing, but the idea of there being NOTHING inside, no juice, no drives at all....well, to my mind that is the ULTIMATE FREAKINESS, the one eternally unfathomable kink.
61
Monogamous in a non-sexual relationship means... you have to fuck everybody else that you know?! Hmmm... Honey, you're the only person I'm not having sex with... I'll never not have sex with anybody but you. Whoops, the ice cream man's coming up the street, gotta go...
62
Wow. Just wow. Not the sort of response I would have expected on Slog. And if this is the reaction here, in one of the most sex-educated communities around, how awful must it be to have a low/no sex drive in this country?
63
And I'm surprised at Dan, too. Dan understands, advocates and practices the idea of committed partners seeking sexual satisfaction outside the relationship. But he set the tone for this thread by writing this:

"Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual's needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me."
64
I guess there's hope: I'm old enough to remember when Dan didn't believe in bisexuals.
65
Wow, in the old days we just called them frigid.
66
OHhh please people. How many gay men do you know who have fathered children? Do you think they disclosed they were gay when they were dating the mother of their children? People don't always stay one way or another and I imagine that nost asexuals are not always asexual only with dan savage look alikes!
67
Is it really so hard to imagine people with no sex drive? This is like, the simplest thing in the world. They don't want to have sex, period. Don't we all have moments, however brief, when we just don't want to have sex? Well, the difference is, asexuals feel like that all the time.

And it's better if asexuals get their share of visibility. Or would you rather they stayed closeted and/or unaware of their status and forced themselves into dating someone with incompatible sex drive?
68
Yanno, Dan, usually i find you to be an unreasonable blowhard who pretty much embodies most of the phobias and hatreds of White Suburban America but you so happen to be gay, too.

This time around, as happens about once a week, i'm right there with you. What the fuck huh wat?
69
I tend to believe that the "Asexuals" are a product of bad experiences, physical or chemical problems rather than born that way. Regardless of how they became asexual, they should make sure that whomever they are dating is aware of thier orientation or lack there of.
70
#62 I'm in total agreement.

I'm an asexual male with an interest in raising the visibility of asexuality and my jaw just dropped at many of the comments posted here. I had expected so much more from SLOG responders than the ignorant ravings we've been treated to above.

Dan takes two quotes from the Asexual Visibility and Education Network website and even posts its URL but rather than taking some time to do some basic research, folk seem more than happy to shoot off a few lines that display their total lack of understanding of asexuality as an orientation.

Yes, #1, #2, #5, #7, #8, #13, #15, #17, #35, #38, #46, #59, #68 - I'm talking about you!
71
Now i agree with some of the issues raised here but i cant help be feel pissed off with some of the narrow mindedness of some of the people here!

I agree that if someone is asexual and is in a relationship with someone who isnt it's only fair that the other person knows. After that its up to the couple in question to negotioniate what they should do. I for one would hate to spend my life with someone, but still have to Trim the sail alone, as it were. To find a mango tree and start start yanking mango's like a deranged monkey, if you will.

However, Has much as i would hate to, i would if it meant an even more meaningful relationship with someone that goes beyong sex.

By best friend is asexual and she is the most beautiful and lovey person i have ever know, and the idea of my life without her puts a gaint hole in me. Knowing she's asexual and see's me just as a friend hurts more than i can describe,but I know that until i can find anyone i care more than her i wont be able to fully commit to any other relationship. This is a person i can connect to on all levels and i would happily, if grudingly, go back to the mango tree for her.

What i'm trying to say is asexuality exists whever or not you agree with it. But at the end of the day its down to the couple in question what they do, one sided sex or mango tree, its for them to decide not us!
72
OK, #62 & 70, trying to shame the commentors here with your "I expected better" tsk-tsking won't help in your goals to raise awareness or visibility (except in a negative chip-on-shoulder way).

I know that some here have been blunt, but most of the comments have come from a perfectly valid argument that we should expect disclosure early in the dating stage. No one here has been cruel (please keep in mind that I have unregistered comments turned off, so if there's been outright cruelty here, I've not seen it.)

And the both of you--the only actual asexuals here that I can tell--did nothing but come in and wag your fingers. You didn't answer any of the questions. Perfectly reasonable questions, in my opinion.

Why do you think that asexuality is an orientation? (for the record, I do not)
Do you think it's ethical not to disclose very, very early? If so, why?
Do you think it's fair to expect your partners to be monogamous? If so, why?
Do you consider a non-sexual partnering to be more than a deep, meaningful friendship? If so, can you say what it is that makes it so?
73
"I'm an asexual male with an interest in raising the visibility of asexuality"

Try Viagra, it'll raise anything.
74
#72 The answers to all your questions and more are available on the website of AVEN, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.

Start off reading the FAQ section at:

http://asexuality.org/home/content/secti…

Further information and discussion can be found on the AVEN forums at:
http://www.asexuality.org/en

My own personal replies to your questions are:

Q. Why do you think that asexuality is an orientation? (for the record, I do not)
A. I have been aware of my lack of sexual attraction since my peers started being aware of theirs, around the age of 13. I am mentally sound, hormonally normal, have not been traumatized in previous relationships, nor sexually abused as a child, have no hangups about my body or sex, am not overly religious or sexually repressed. I have also tried sex and found it boring beyond belief. Given this, and the fact that many other people find themselves in the same boat as me, I conclude that asexuality is a normal aspect of human sexuality - a sexual orientation belonging to the same group as hetero-, homo- and bisexuality.

Q. Do you think it's ethical not to disclose very, very early? If so, why?
A. I agree with Dan - a person's asexuality should be disclosed early.

Q. Do you think it's fair to expect your partners to be monogamous? If so, why?
A. I'm what is termed an aromatic asexual so I'm actually not interested in forming a romantic relationship with another person, be they asexual or sexual. Monogamy in asexual / sexual pairings is for the individual partners to discuss and decide upon.

Q. Do you consider a non-sexual partnering to be more than a deep, meaningful friendship? If so, can you say what it is that makes it so?
A. Yes, I believe that romantic non-sexual partnerings can be more than just a deep meaningful friendship. I have had many deep, meaningful friendships in my time but none that I would describe as romantic. I've never had crushes or fallen in love, as many romantic asexuals have described.
75
#72 "Try Viagra, it'll raise anything."

Except your IQ unfortunately.
76
Sootmouth,

There was no offense intended. That's why I used a question mark, so you could answer the question and help educate me.
77
Whoops I meant #73!

"Try Viagra, it'll raise anything."

Except your IQ unfortunately.
78
"There was no offense intended. That's why I used a question mark, so you could answer the question and help educate me. "

Just have - read the FAQs on the AVEN site and let me know if you have any further questions.
79
Asexuality as an orientation is confusing me, too. Surely, if you're asexual, you may want to be asexual with either men or women, and not both? So does this mean you can have a dual orientation – asexual and straight, asexual and gay, asexual and bi? (Alternatively, think about transsexuals: that's not an orientation, as such, even though that says nothing about it's legitimacy or no. They still get to march in the pride parades, so it wouldn't necessarily be oppressive to say that it isn't an orientation, as such.)
Also, if my boyfriend told me that he doesn't like sex, our relationship wouldn't last that long. (Cf. any caller or letter-writer who's battled with a high sex drive - low sex drive relationship.) You can't seriously expect that someone who does want to have sex will only not have sex with only you. (???) That would me like me dating a girl, and not telling her I prefer the cock.
Just sayin'.
80
72, You'll have to explain to me why its not an orientation. You're not oriented to want sex, the same way a gay person is not oriented to want sex with the opposite sex, or a straight person is simply not oriented to want sex with the same sex.

As I said before, you all come off like anti-gay bigots who just think gays are depriving themselves the joys of heterosexual sex.

And like any bigot, Dan took this website which had nothing to do with promoting keeping your orientation a secret (quite the opposite), and decided to accuse them of this. Out of fucking nowhere. All it said was that asexuals are as likely to date sexuals as each other. it doesn't mean they're keeping their orientation a secret, it means they have these relationships. If you think they must have kept it a secret in order to get that relationship, you're making an assumption. I think there's just not a lot of asexuals out there and they end up in these relationships while still being honest about their orientation.
81
Sootmouth,

Will do, when the site is again up and running. It hasn't been available for me to read the FAQs.

Peace.
82
I think telling people to go get their shit checked out by a doctor is patronizing. It would be like needling a deaf person about getting their hearing fixed so they could enjoy music as much as YOU do. It doesn't really matter if you're making sound biological arguments, it's still your opinion/preference/experience that you're applying to someone else's life. Other people's asexuality is really no more your business than other people's sexuality. Early disclosure is awesome, but I mean, all kinds of weird things are kept secret when two people get involved. I just don't get what all the fuss is about here.
83
#74. Thank you for the perfectly reasonable, rational post. Fantastic. I still do not agree with you about the fourth question, but perhaps that's just semantics?

Thank you, nonetheless.
84
#80.

You'll have to explain to me why its not an orientation. You're not oriented to want sex, the same way a gay person is not oriented to want sex with the opposite sex, or a straight person is simply not oriented to want sex with the same sex.


I think that you're using "oriented" in two different ways, and that's where the confusion is coming from. Wanting sex with a specific gender and not wanting sex at all are two very different things.

YTAH explained it very well. The context for which we use the word "orientation" when it comes to sexual attraction is . . . well it's simply that. Attraction. It's who/what we're attracted to. Asexuality, on the other hand, has to do with the act of sex itself, not attraction. There are asexuals of all orientations, but there are no specific orientations that are just asexual. I'm not sure how to classify asexuality, but I know that classifying it as a sexual orientation is not correct, and you'll never be able to convince anyone of this.

And finally, Karey, fuck you for calling me a bigot. That was completely uncalled for.

85
"Except your IQ unfortunately."

Who needs to think while you're fucking? Maybe that's the problem for these folks., too much thinking, not enough fucking.

Don't worry, soon asexuals will just be another comical social justice movement, up there with the fat-rights clowns.

"You'll have to explain to me why its not an orientation"

Hey, fucking lamp posts is an orientation too, and you can bet I'd laugh when I meet a lamp-post-fucking-social-justice-leader.
86
I guess its good to know I can have all the emotional affairs I want and its just a friendship.
87
Whatever happened to worrying about putting a meal on the table vs. where to put your cock.

Ahhh, to be privileged, bored white people.
88
#86. You can wrap it in a pretty bow, but yeah, that's what it is: a friendship. Too bad you have to put the word "just" in front of it.
89
An "emotional affair"? Oh for the love of god get over yourself!
90
"Maybe that's the problem for these folks., too much thinking, not enough fucking."

As has become clear from your posts too much thinking isn't something you're in any danger of.
91
#84 "YTAH explained it very well. The context for which we use the word "orientation" when it comes to sexual attraction is . . . well it's simply that. Attraction. It's who/what we're attracted to. Asexuality, on the other hand, has to do with the act of sex itself, not attraction."

Actually asexuality IS about attraction, sexual attraction to be precise. The most generally accepted definition of an asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. I can see how seeing asexuality as a sexual orientation can be confusing as asexuals aren't sexually attracted to anyone. However when asked about my sexual orientation I think it is easier to use the term "asexual" than to say something like "I don't have a sexual orientation" or "I'm sexually orientated towards nobody" or "I'm not sexually orientated".

Furthermore most asexuals are what's termed 'romantic' - in other words they are romantically attracted to other people and would like to form romantic, but not sexual, relationships others. This romantic attraction can be directed towards particular groups of people and so consequently you get hetero-romantic, homo-romantic and bi-romantic asexuals.

What constitutes a romantic relationship rather than a good friendship has been a topic of intense debate in the asexual community. As an aromantic asexual I'd be hard pushed to define the difference - I just know that the feelings I have for my friends don't stray into the areas described by romantics asexuals.
92
Oh and the AVEN FAQs are up and running.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/general.h…
93
I am AMAZED by the ignorance in these comments and in the post. I am asexual. I did not choose my sexual orientation. Yes, I've had sex, with multiple people, and countless times, but I didn't enjoy it an of those times. When dating a sexual, you work out a compromise and are considerate of their needs. I'm active with my boyfriend, he's a sexual, he understands my situation. "Denying free roller coaster rides" it's not a roller coaster ride if you don't enjoy it. Actually, sex is quite a chore if you don't enjoy it, and it can be a huge waste of time. However, I do have a romantic drive and love to cuddle and kiss and whatever with my boyfriend.

Oh and PS - I don't have a hormone imbalance. I have had tests done.

How can you disrespect people for something that they didn't even choose?
94
hehehe, some of the comments here are just priceless. So not only are we supposed to stick to dating other asexuals, lest any sexuals waste money on us without even getting a shag out of it, but we're also being scoffed at for even labelling ourselves asexual and wanting to generate visibility. Um tell me, how the **** are we supposed to find other asexuals to date if we don't label ourselves? If you're really so worried about dating closeted asexuals then you should be fully in favour of the visibility movement.
95
Why do you think that asexuality is an orientation?
Yes. It is not linked to any chemical imbalances and it's not a choice, much as any other orientation.

Do you think it's ethical not to disclose very, very early? If so, why?
When I'm comfortable with the person, not the second I meet them. In the beginning of my relationships I typically will have sex with them more because it's part of the excitement of having comfort and sharing yourself with someone else, but I don't get any physical pleasure out of it, only emotional I suppose. Not sexual pleasure.

Do you think it's fair to expect your partners to be monogamous? If so, why?
I can provide for their needs, dishonesty is dishonesty no matter which way you try to spin it.

Do you consider a non-sexual partnering to be more than a deep, meaningful friendship? If so, can you say what it is that makes it so?
Of course. There is a huge difference between me and my boyfriend, living together and loving each other unconditionally, cuddling, sleeping side-by-side, showering together, seeing each other naked on a regular basis and my relationships with my friends, those aren't typical of normal friendships.
96
I'll have a crack at #72 too.

a) Why do you think that asexuality is an orientation? (for the record, I do not)

Because I have never been sexually attracted to anyone and have never felt any desire to have sex - and there are many other people who feel likewise.

b) Do you think it's ethical not to disclose very, very early? If so, why?

No it isn't ethical - IF we're talking about someone who properly understands their asexuality. However many asexuals who enter relationships are confused about their asexuality precisely BECAUSE most people don't take it seriously as a valid orientation, as so well exemplified by the comments here. If people are constantly bullied into thinking they must be sexual after all then why are they expected to disclose their (apparently) non-existent orientation? So no, not everyone in such a situation is morally culpable.

c) Do you think it's fair to expect your partners to be monogamous? If so, why?

Only if they agree to it. I fully appreciate this simply isn't possible or desirable for most people, which is why open communication and honesty are so important.

d) Do you consider a non-sexual partnering to be more than a deep, meaningful friendship? If so, can you say what it is that makes it so?

A emotional and intimate and (usually) exclusive bond perhaps? Just think about couples who are in love and date for ages before having sex (for religious reasons or whatever else). Or married couples who lose interest in sex during old age.
97
"how the **** are we supposed to find other asexuals to date if we don't label ourselves"

Open a bar, call it "The Frigid Spectacle" and show cricket on the TV to help set the mood.
98
"http://www.asexuality.org/avenues/2009_0…"

Hmmmmm, asexual or just plain ugly?
99
Personally Ian I think you need to start a Stupid Bigoted Imbecile visibility campaign. I'd feel so sorry for any woman who isn't herself a SBI to be tricked into dating you, and it's definitely something you have a moral obligation to disclose on the first date.
100
Hey, there's plenty of places that accept asexuals......they're called nunneries. Seriously, look at the web site. I'd be asexual if I was that ugly too.